Diet (618 reviews)

Function Light Weight Peach Mango

Function Light Weight Peach Mango

Ugh. I have had such good experiences with the other Function flavors I've tried. When I saw a peach mango one, I was so stoked. I didn't even take into consideration that it was "Light Weight." It tastes like nothing but artificial sweetener. I get no specific peach or mango flavor. It starts off with a general fruit flavor, and quickly turns to sucralose hell. If you are an alien and love the taste of artificial sweeteners, this may be right up your alley. I will be steering clear. Unfortunately I bought another flavor of "Light Weight" that I still have to review.

Website
http://www.functiondrinks.com/
Country
United States
Categories
Diet, Sports/Dietary Supplement
Rating
1/5
Reviewed By
Jason Draper on September 19th, 2010
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Function Drink, Light Weight: Peach Mango, 16.9 Oz. / 12Pk

Rhino's Sugar Free Energy Drink

Rhino's Sugar Free Energy Drink

I already have a hard time drinking most energy drinks. When you give me a diet/sugar free energy drink, there's no way this is going to be good. The first sip of this was pretty horrible, like swallowing battery acid. The next couple wasn’t too bad. Perhaps I've already acquired the taste for this drink? Nope, around the fourth sip the first couple sips finally hit my stomach and it feels very similar to the time I had food poisoning. For three days straight, I lied on the couch while my stomach felt like it was eating itself. It was easily in my top five worst feelings I have ever felt. Any drink that can give me that same feeling is not one I want to consume.

Website
http://www.rhinos-energy.com/en
Country
Austria
Sweetener
Aspartame
Categories
Diet, Energy Drink
Rating
1/5
Reviewed By
Derek Neuland on February 23rd, 2011
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Simplifast Blueberry

Simplifast Blueberry

Ugh. Every time I take a sip it's like punishment. Not that "I know it's good for me so I'll do it" type of punishment. Not that "Oh this mouthwash burns, but I know it's killing germs and preventing me from getting gingivitis" type punishment. It's the "Who crushed all these Sweet Tarts and put them in this already disgusting juice?" type punishment. That's what it tastes like. 15 thousand Sweet Tarts, powderized and thrown into juice. It's supposed to detoxify, but I'd much rather just eat a bunch of celery, or maybe just perform an enema. Seriously, I can't imagine drinking this entire thing.

Here's the sweet thing about this review. Sure, it's gold already, but here's where I step up my own game. Who doesn't love math? This drink was $2.50. It's on the high side, but I figured, how can you mess this up? It's juice. So $2.50. On the label, it states that in order to achieve your intended weight loss goal of upwards of an estimated 15 pounds, you have to drink four drinks per day. Now we're up to $10 per day. Oh honey, don't let it stop there. You are supposed to drink 4 per day for a week. That's seven days. Bringing our grand total up to $70. $70 in juice.

I didn't need to detoxify. What do I have to clean out? Tacos? Please, leave them in there. I love them. Your drink on the other hand...

Website
http://www.simplifast.com
Country
United States
Sweetener
Organic Maple Syrup
Categories
Diet, Sports/Dietary Supplement
Rating
1/5
Reviewed By
Mike Literman on March 21st, 2011
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Simplifast Detox Fasting Beverage, Blueberry, 16-Ounce Bottles (Pack of 12)

Sparkling Ice Pomegranate Berry

Sparkling Ice Pomegranate Berry

Drinking this beverage is like voluntarily taking a vacation to a diet nightmare. Think of yourself as a standard man. You love hamburgers, french fries, milkshakes, and you drive a sweet '64 1/2 Ford Mustang. You have enough product in your hair to be considered a natural disaster and all you wear is blue jeans, black shoes, and white V-neck T-shirts. Sure, all I know about being a man apparently came from "Happy Days", but that was when men were men and women were women...not really, but you know how these reviews tend to go.

So you're a man. While eating a cheeseburger from some chrome diner, you meet another woman's glance and you fall in love. You go to the drive in. You go to whatever a sock hop is. You listen to records. All is great in the world. You decide to get a place together. You first shopping excursion, you buy the following standard items; hamburgers, Murry's pomade, toothpaste, new pack of shirts since yours all have greaze on it from working on your hog, and some cereal. Your girlfriend is trying out dieting even though she can't clock in at more than 110. I mean, she's got a killer body and you can lift her all day long, and you do. She buys items like, low fat milk, egg whites, Lean Pockets, and Sparkling Ice Pomegranate Berry.

You pay the $7.32 bill and head home, not having any idea of the torturous night you have ahead of you.

You make some hamburgers for yourself since you girlfriend wouldn't dare eat meat because it's too fatty and she's endlessly watching her figure, so she makes an egg white omelet. You think it's fine because she's so easy to look at and you ask her for something to drink while she's in the kitchen. She grabs you one of her six Sparkling Ice drinks. You sit down to a nice meal and you take a bite of your burger, love it, and then take a big, manly sip of your drink. You can't believe it. Your otherwise perfect girlfriend is trying to poison you. Surly, no one who is trying to live would drink this. It's fruity but so fake tasting that you swear it's flavored plastic fruit like the kind your grandma has on her living room table like she's permanently doing "still life" art drawing of the same fruit. You take another sip. It's no better than the first. It’s so sharp, so strong. It's cuts through the flavor of your meal and slices it's way down your throat like candy coated razor blades.

Needless to say, you and her do not work out and it's unfortunate. She had everything going for her, and people aren't going to understand. You'll catch flak for it for a while until people realize that this "diet" thing that's going on is not good for business. You'll be fine and you will grow from your experience while she will search endlessly for results that will never be enough and she will forever be unsatisfied.

Website
http://www.sparklingice.com/
Country
United States
Sweetener
Sucralose
Categories
Diet, Sparkling, Water
Rating
1/5
Reviewed By
Mike Literman on May 8th, 2011
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Sparkling ICE Mountain Spring Water, Pomegranate Berry, 17-Ounce Bottles (Pack of 12)

Botanical Vitality Citrus Splash

Botanical Vitality Citrus Splash

This is a diet water based drink similar to Vitamin Water or Gatorade. I took a sip and it tasted a bit strange. It was slightly chalky and tasted of citrus. There was something else there that I couldn't quite place. I handed the bottle off to Editor Dan and he couldn't place it either, although he was familiar with it. It was at this time that Dan discovered the downfall of this drink. He looked at the ingredients to try and sort out what the mystery flavor was. He didn't find what he was looking for. Instead he found that the drink contained cod, pollock, haddock, hake, cusk, redfish, sole and flounder in the form of "fish gelatin." What the hell!?!?!! I don't understand it at all, and I certainly don't approve. One sip was all that I ingested of this drink. It was mediocre at best to begin with, but the fact that I was drinking Nemo makes me say no thank you.

Country
United States
Sweetener
Sucralose
Categories
Diet, Water
Rating
1/5
Reviewed By
Jason Draper on May 12th, 2011
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FunctionALOE Cleanse Cucumber

FunctionALOE Cleanse Cucumber

I just finished off a container of hands down the best salsa I have ever tasted in my life. Christine Mackie’s mom made it, and I will love her forever for her salsa skills. The mass amounts of basil in it made it absolutely incredible. I am going to have dreams for months about this salsa. It will haunt me that it is not readily available in my life.

Now that it’s gone I just want a nice crisp tasting beverage. Cucumber drinks have never failed me in the past. They are always refreshing and tasty. Now you mix cucumber with aloe and you should have an award winning drink, right? Wrong! If I were a dirty child at some crazy strict olde timey Catholic school a nun would have smacked me over the knuckles with a ruler for that incorrect answer. Yes in theory it should have been amazing. In the world of functionAloe it was down right terrible. It tastes like neither aloe nor cucumber. It does taste like it should be some sort of cleaner. I really couldn’t get more than a few sips down before I started contemplating if I needed to call poison control. If I downed this entire bottle I think I might have to get my stomach pumped. I guess they weren’t kidding when they named this “Cleanse.”

Some people may blame the taste on the fact that it’s sweetened with stevia, but I can vouch for that little guy. I’ve had plenty of drinks that he has sweetened and he is my favorite “diet” sweetener. Also, there are no chunks in this. What is a point of an aloe drink without fun chunks?

For something that had the potential to be one of my favorite drinks ever this went in completely the wrong direction. It would have been hard for them to make it any worse. I really wish I had more of that incredible salsa to kill the poison on my tongue.

Website
http://www.lilyofthedesert.com
Country
United States
Sweetener
Stevia Leaf Extract
Categories
Aloe Vera, Diet, Sports/Dietary Supplement
Rating
1/5
Reviewed By
Jason Draper on June 28th, 2011
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Function Aloe Cleanse Cucumber 16.20 Ounces

Fresca Citrus Peach

Fresca Citrus Peach

So where do I start?

I suppose, at my refrigerator!

My husband LOVES his soda. Our refrigerator is always amply stocked to the brim because he drinks at least 12 cans or bottles of it a day. So, a few weeks ago, on a weekend jaunt to Massachusetts, we went shopping at the local Big Y supermarket and found a sale for 12 packs that we both just couldn't resist. FOUR 12 packs for 12.00. NOT BAD!! A pretty damn good deal!!

One of the soda's he picked in the mix and match aisle was the DIET FRESCA PEACH CITRUS soda, and I am going to pop one for me now to try.

Wendy The Snapple Lady

I have to admit to you that I have never even heard of this flavor much less tasted it, so here goes.
Okay...clearly a diet drink, I can taste this right away as it hits my tongue. The taste is peachy, and not too bad.....UH OH...now the citrus has hit and it has totally wiped the saliva clear out of my mouth!!! I have TOTAL COTTON MOUTH!!

So now I am drinking another sip to see if this is an aberration of sorts, but it has happened again. It has taken me about a minute for my salivary glands to start working again.

I need to drink a water immediately to wipe out the dry mouth and aftertaste.

The moral of the story is YOU GET WHAT YOU PAY FOR SOMETIMES.

I rate this one bottle for the Peach taste.

Website
http://www.fresca.com
Country
United States
Sweetener
Aspartame
Categories
Diet, Soda Pop, Sparkling
Rating
1/5
Reviewed By
Wendy - The "Ex" Snapple Lady on July 12th, 2011
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Fresca Peach Citrus Soda, 12 oz Can (Pack of 24)

Celsius Apple Orchard Blend

Celsius Apple Orchard Blend

Something must have gone terribly awry at ye olde apple orchard. You see I have this can of Celsius fitness drink that was made from the harvest of the orchard and it tastes like the entire orchard was marinated in pesticides, or that it was stewing in napalm. Perhaps this is actually made from the soil of the orchard that old apples had rotted in to. No I think it's actually apples covered in napalm. You see this has only the faintest apple taste to it. I think that might even be a stretch. In a blind taste test I would never in a million years be able to pick out that this is supposed to be apple flavored. It literally tastes like poison, like I'm drinking some fluid that is supposed to go in a car, but someone has apple artificial sweetener to it. I can't believe I finished the can earlier. I just needed to keep up the energy so Mike and I could talk all night scheming of what our plan of attack would be if we ever made it on to the TV show "Take the Money and Run." I bet we could totally get away with it. We're crafty and being imprisoned for 48 hours doesn't scare us. We're strong willed. Oh yeah, we were also riding our bikes for several hours while we were discussing this. Now It's almost 4 hours later. I'm sore, I'm all hyped up, and I can still taste this poison on my tongue. For shame Celsius. You can do better than this.

Website
http://www.celsius.com/
Country
United States
Sweetener
Erythritol
Categories
Diet, Energy Drink, Sports/Dietary Supplement
Rating
1/5
Reviewed By
Jason Draper on August 26th, 2011
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Celsius Calorie Burner, Apple Orchard Blend Stevia, 12-Ounce Cans (Pack of 12)

Max Velocity Sugar Free Uncaged Energy Drink

Max Velocity Sugar Free Uncaged Energy Drink

Going into this I knew this was going to be bad. Any energy drink found at Big Lots (where drinks go to die) named "Max Velocity" is not good. On top of it, there's no flavor on this. What flavor is "Uncaged"? At least there's a grainy photo of a cheetah on the can.

Yup I was right, it's like a Red Bull/ Mountain Dew mix. So gross. It burns the throat as it goes down.

Website
http://www.albertsons.com/
Country
United States
Sweetener
Sucralose
Categories
Diet, Energy Drink
Rating
1/5
Reviewed By
Derek Neuland on October 4th, 2012
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Mountain Dew Diet

Mountain Dew Diet

There's concentrated orange juice in this? Whatever, i'll still take the crab juice.

Website
http://www.mountaindew.com/
Country
United States
Sweetener
Aspartame
Categories
Diet, Soda Pop
Rating
1/5
Reviewed By
Derek Neuland on July 12th, 2013
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Mountain Dew Diet 12 Oz- 12 Pack
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