Milk (81 reviews)

Got Milk? Magic Straws Chocolate

Got Milk? Magic Straws Chocolate

Fact: This is the slowest glass of chocolate milk you will ever drink. The slowest. When you drink this chocolate milk, you drink it much like a fine wine. You swirl it, aerate it, sniff it, and compare it to things like wood and old books. Now you can drink it in stealth. You can go to a big meeting with regular, white milk, and smuggle in these straws and be a kid disguised as an adult man who makes six figures. Here's the thing, though, back to what I said about this being slow. The chocolate comes in these little, compressed chocolate flavor balls stuffed from tip to tail in this straw. You pour a glass of milk, you put in your straw, and it melds together, forming one from two. It's almost romantic from a cannibalistic type of way. I mean, you're drinking the beautiful thing these two made together and we're all complaining about how slow we were doing it. Savages. Anyhow, you take a nice sip and you've got a nice, sweet chocolate milk. You take another sip and you've got white milk. Wait...what a second. You were drinking chocolate milk a second ago and now, all of a sudden, you're drinking regular milk. What...did someone pull the old switcheroo on you or something? No. It happens. Here comes science.

The milk dissolved the chocolate balls at a certain rate. You drinking sucks up all that dissolved chocolate along with the milk creating chocolate milk on the go. This erosion of chocolate only happens so fast so you have to take a sip and then wait. Take a sip and then wait. Yes, if you wait this is good chocolate milk but to milk, no pun intended, an eight-ounce glass of chocolate milk is hard work. Patience is a virtue or a great glass of chocolate milk. In these fast times, there isn't a lot of time to take an evening to drink a glass of chocolate milk.

Website
http://www.magicstraws.com
Country
United States
Sweetener
Sugar
Categories
Milk
Rating
3/5
Reviewed By
Mike Literman on June 24th, 2012
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Got Milk Magic Straws - Chocolate - 4 Packs - 24 Straws

Hershey's Strawberry

Hershey's Strawberry

I have not had strawberry milk since I was like fourteen. My friend Ian and I were sitting in his kitchen and drinking it and calling it "cow blood." Pretty morbid now that I think about it but we were fourteen. What did we know? Neither one of us had touched a boob. What else is there? We never drank. We didn't smoke. We just hung out all the time and played football in people's yards and hockey in people's driveways. We just hung out. We were all we knew and we were fine.

What we should have known was that this strawberry milk is complete garbage. Man. Now I know why I haven't had this stuff in like twenty years. It sucks. It tastes like candy strawberries but something about it still being milk makes me sick to my stomach. This is almost most certainly a "me" review and an opinion so don't get mad at me but I did not like this one bit. I don't really remember liking it back then which is probably why I haven't had any desire whatsoever to buy it.

Not for me. Ian, I'm telling you this now and I'm retroactively telling you this in 1994, I don't and never did like strawberry milk.

Website
http://www.hersheys.com/
Country
United States
Sweetener
Sugar
Categories
Milk
Rating
2/5
Reviewed By
Mike Literman on December 14th, 2015
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Jones Naturals Strawberry Manilow

Jones Naturals Strawberry Manilow

If you didn't chuckle at the name of this drink I assure you, you have no soul. It's funny. You know a little wacky word play. I give up. You were tragically born without a sense of humor.

I would have really liked this a lot more if it didn't have dairy in it. It really would have made a great juice. All of the berries really blend well together. Instead it tastes like a liquid version of those Lifesavers Creme Savers candy. Those never sat right with me. Solidified creme is just plain strange.

Website
http://www.jonessoda.com
Country
United States
Sweetener
Inverted Cane Sugar
Categories
Juice, Milk
Rating
3/5
Reviewed By
Jason Draper on February 4th, 2011
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Kirin Afternoon Milk Tea Chocolate

Kirin Afternoon Milk Tea Chocolate

First of all, dudes at work don't know how I do. I invited six people to drink this and give me a review. I said, "Here's your chance to be on a famous website no different than if you were Caroline Rhea or Anthony Michael Hall." They laughed, threw tomatoes at me like this was the early 1900's. I didn't even know we had tomatoes in the office but there is some sort of secret closet that contains nothing but over-ripened tomatoes ready for the next bad joke or snake oil salesman. In this case, it was my attempt to make half a dozen dudes filthy rich like me. Your loss, turds. Your loss.

How's this? Well, it's fine. It tastes like chocolate milk. One said, "It tastes like hot cocoa. No. It tastes like Yoo-hoo." which I kind of agree with. If there is tea in this, and I'm not doubting there is, it is promptly and sufficiently overshadowed by sugar and chocolate. Is that the worst thing in the world? No. Is the fact that it is eight months past expiration date that really makes it? No. It isn't. It just tastes like chocolate milk. That's cool, right? Yes and no. I wanted a chocolate tea with Jasmine and Rooibos tea, as friggin' promised. I just got a white person's chocolate milk. We all know that white people are the worst, right? I mean, enjoy your mac and cheese, idiots.

To the six people that drank this that are not on my yacht, think twice next time I offer you something you can't read the label for that you saw three other people drink before you. It could be the thing that turns your life around. Now I'm sorry but I have to go put tanning oil on hot babes that aren't my wife. My wife is cool with it. She told me she was.



As I tend to do, I spoke too soon.

Nick said:


I was approached by Mike with a nod and a wink, which of course either meant it was time for an afternoon tryst... or time to sample a new beverage. As I do require continued employment and HR frowns on at-work conjugal relations, it was fortunately the latter.

The beverage in question was a bottle which was decidedly not labeled for sale in America, fully decked out in Asian-language glyphs. OK, we have a potential mouth party, here. Strap in, taste buds.

I did see one English word: chocolate. Now, chocolate for me can be a multi-layer extravaganza of flavors, or a cloyingly sweet abomination of which Hershey's would be proud. The first sip showed this drink leaned more towards the latter. Primary flavor: sweet. Meh. There's also a texture that says to me there's some milk or other form of emulsified fat going on here. It's feels a little creamy.

What followed was a flavor I can describe as not-hot hot chocolate. Yeah, you know... the cup of hot chocolate you made to warm up after snow-blowing the GD driveway for the second time today, only to be drawn away by a wife request for something that clearly would have been less time for her to just do herself, and then later re-discover your room-temp cup, and then remembering as you drink it that room-temp hot chocolate is not nearly as good, and become lost in a downward spiral of negative emotions. Maybe that's just me, though. OK, I'm exaggerating. It's not bad. It's just not *good*. I wouldn't seek it out for this part. Thus far, we're not looking at a beverage I'd actively seek out again.

Ah - but the last, lingering hit of background tastes (and aftertaste). There's something going on here. Putting a finger on it is nigh impossible, between OMG SWEET and the milky texture and the mild cocoa. But there's... something. A complex of multiple things, very subtle. I'd later learn this was tea and hibiscus. It could have been turmeric and turpentine for all I could tell; they're so muted. But it *was* pleasant.
Is the little blend of almost missed flavors enough to make this a repeat drink?

Nah. I think it would have benefited from those secondary flavors being brought forward more.

I'm happy to have sampled it, and I enjoyed drinking what I had, but no, I wouldn't buy one. I'd probably have a hit if it was given to me. Especially if it was from Mike... with that wink and nod.

Country
China
Sweetener
Sugar
Categories
Iced Tea, Milk
Rating
3/5
Reviewed By
Mike Literman on January 25th, 2019
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Kuang Chuan Milk Tea Tiramisu

Kuang Chuan Milk Tea Tiramisu

Blasted ladyfingers. Why? Why do you have to ruin a perfectly good dessert with rum? You turds. Why? I don't eat things cooked in or with alcohol so when I found out that tiramisu swam in the lake of Cap'n Morgan, I swore off the sweet treat for eternity. Honestly, I never was that crazy about it to begin with so not eating it doesn't really affect me but when I came across this little guy in a wondrous Asian market in Toronto with the Thirsty Dude called Jay, I had to buy it.

This drink tastes like tiramisu. It's odd. Cake flavored drink. Oh, I'm sorry, have you had one before? We've had ice cream flavored drinks, Masala flavored drinks, corn flavored drinks, but never cake. Why not? It seems to not be a problem for these guys. Maybe a chocolate cake tea would be nice. Try it. This tea tastes like the cake it's supposed to. I know it's a novel idea since it's a self-proclaimed "Tiramisu" flavored but we drink stuff all the time that doesn't taste like it's supposed to and this isn't exactly a "regular" drink so it could have gone either way. As far as the "milk tea" thing goes, it’s more milk than tea but they're both there. A black tea powder (odd) and a skim milk (not odd) make up the base of this.

Also, it should be pointed out that one carton of this is about as bad for you as a slice of real tiramisu so if you are looking for a replacement, this is it, but if you're looking to save on calories, don't bother and eat real cake. If you've got your jaw wired shut like Kanye West before he felt the need to make up for lost time and never shut up, this is your go-to-guy.

Website
http://www.kuangchuan.com/
Country
Taiwan
Sweetener
Sugar
Categories
Iced Tea, Milk
Rating
4/5
Reviewed By
Mike Literman on November 17th, 2012
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Kuang Chuan Milk Tea Darjeeling

Kuang Chuan Milk Tea Darjeeling

John left from a long day of work and he was exhausted. He looked out the window of his of car and it was snowing and he knew that his day was not over because he knew before he was going to be able to kick off his shoes and sit down he was going to have to shovel. He didn't hate shoveling but after a long day of work, he just wanted to relax. He pulled up to his driveway and saw the most beautiful thing he had ever seen. Someone had plowed his driveway. He had no idea who it could have been. He ran inside to get a gift and started knocking on his neighbor's doors to see if he could find out who it was.

He went to one neighbor who owned a plow but he wasn't home. He went to another house and his wife answered the door. John asked if her husband was home and she said that he was and went to go get him. A short moment later he came to the door. John asked him if he plowed his driveway and he told him that he did.

John was so thankful he nearly hugged the guy. He held back and thanked him graciously and handed him a carton of a drink. The man asked what the drink was to which John replied, "It's milk tea." The man didn't know what to think and John said that it was a great secret that he would pick up at Asian markets every once in a while and he thought that he would thank him with it. The man thanked him and asked if he wanted to split it with him. John said he would and they both went into the house.

The man poured the drink into a glass for him and drank out of the carton himself. He took a small sip and then took a larger sip. He told John that he liked it. He said that it tasted like a cup of tea with some sugar and milk in it and that it was so simple it made it even better. He said that the milk kind of disguised the actual tea flavor but that it was still good and he was happy he knew that this new product existed.

John and the man finished their drinks and John once again thanked the man for plowing his driveway. The man said that it was no problem and if he ever had some extra time and a car wasn't in the driveway that he would do it again. John was happy to have a neighbor as nice as that.

Website
http://www.kuangchuan.com/
Country
Taiwan
Sweetener
Fructose
Categories
Iced Tea, Milk
Rating
3/5
Reviewed By
Mike Literman on February 7th, 2014
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Kuang Chuan Milk Tea Earl Gray

Kuang Chuan Milk Tea Earl Gray

Some people enjoy things like lavender or chamomile to calm them down but something about this drink is really putting the relax into me.

It is a good split between milk, smooth and Earl Gray, a pretty neutral tea. Lightly sweetened and placed gingerly into a baby carton, this drink provides countless minutes of sipping pleasure. It's not bitter, not too sweet, and is a good blend of everything that you would want in a milk tea, if you have ever heard of milk tea before and craved it. Hey, I've had stranger cravings for things.

Like I said, this is a relaxing, smooth drink that is meant to be sipped on your front porch, back porch, beachfront property or anything in between. I am very relaxed drinking it. Either that or the fact that I'm listening to Das Racist "Relax."

Website
http://www.kuangchuan.com/
Country
Taiwan
Sweetener
Sugar
Categories
Iced Tea, Milk
Rating
4/5
Reviewed By
Mike Literman on February 28th, 2014
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La Vanquita Licuados Dulce de Leche

La Vanquita Licuados Dulce de Leche

I've got a headache. I wish I could pour this drink on my brain. I've watched enough doctor shows on television to know that when you do things to the brain, it makes you do funny things. Poke here and you pick your nose. Poke there and you'll recite the alphabet in Spanish. If I poured a caramel milk on my brain, I think that it would be bad, number one, but before I went into an inevitable, caramel induced coma, I would hope to do some all encompassing spastic dance and spit out some unintelligible gibberish. I guess that I would be making a big mistake and it would not be funny or worthwhile.

If I were to miss my giant open head cavity and make some in my mouth, or have some drip out of the crevices of my brain and into my mouth, I would say that it was delicious and calming and perfect for a headache. It's just a very smooth, very caramel drink. You know those little, plastic wrapped caramels that both your grandma and myself love? They taste like that if you ate one and chased it with milk, or, better yet, drank milk, held it in your mouth, and chewed one of those caramels.

It should be known that I didn't remember that it was Halloween when I was talking about brains and stuff. That came to me naturally.

Website
http://lavaquitacheese.com/
Country
United States
Sweetener
Sugar
Categories
Milk
Rating
4/5
Reviewed By
Mike Literman on October 31st, 2011
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La Vanquita Licuados naranja

La Vanquita Licuados naranja

Apparently there is something wrong with me. I don't care for oranges and I especially don't care for creamsicles. If it was a hot, summer day and you offered me a creamsicle, I would kindly deny it. If you offered it to me again, I would less kindly deny it. If you were to re-offer it to me for a third time I would not-kindly stab you in the stomach with said creamsicle. With enough force, the hard, wooden stick would stab you in the stomach and the creamsicle would melt and make your lower portions very sticky. No one wants that so don't offer me a creamsicle.

This tastes like a creamsicle but it's not bad because it almost tastes like a creamsicle that your strange mom would make you. "We don't buy creamsicles because we can make them at home cheaper." she always says. She mixes orange juice, sugar, and milk in a bowl, pours it into an ice cube tray and covers it in cellophane and puts little toothpicks in it. That's what it tastes like. Classic mom. If you like the ingredients, you will like this. If you like creamsicles, you will like this. If you like your mom, you will like this. If you are vegan, you would like this given enough bodily training so you body can re-learn how to process dairy products.

Practice makes perfect in milk, sports, and musicianship.

Website
http://lavaquitacheese.com/
Country
United States
Sweetener
Sugar
Categories
Milk
Rating
3/5
Reviewed By
Mike Literman on April 13th, 2012
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Lotte Milkis

Lotte Milkis

Waiter, what is this? I ordered an ice cream float with Sprite and vanilla ice cream. You brought me a can of...what is this? Milkis? Also, it's in a can. I don't know how "ice cream float with Sprite and vanilla ice cream" sounds anything like Milkis. What? You don't serve milkshakes? That's crazy. It's right here on the menu. "We...oh...don't serve ice cream floats". Strange that you would even put it on the menu. Why don't you put...oh, that's right there, too. "We don't serve spaghetti sandwiches". Why do you fill your menu with things that you don't sell? Honestly, looking at this menu there are more things on it that you don't sell than things that you do sell.

Menu aside, why did you bring me this Milkis thing? It tastes like an ice cream float with Sprite and vanilla ice cream? You know what, kid, I'll take your word on it and not send it back to the chef...to put in the fridge. Ahh! Waiter, this tastes just like it. The Koreans nailed it! Can I say that? I don't mean it offensively, I just saw that it was made in Korea and want to give them full credit. Wow. There's milk in this and everything. I've got to get more and son, you're going to get a great 10% tip for this bill of $14.42.

Website
http://company.lottechilsung.co.kr/eng/
Country
Korea
Sweetener
Sugar
Categories
Milk, Soda Pop
Rating
3/5
Reviewed By
Mike Literman on July 12th, 2011
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