Milk (81 reviews)

North American Beverage Chocolate Moose Cookies & Cream

North American Beverage Chocolate Moose Cookies & Cream

Thirsty Dude comrade Dan has been pulling on my pant leg ever since I told him I bought this drink. I've had it in my fridge for weeks. Months even. It's just been sitting there. Every time I open the door to get another drink, there's that moose, staring me in the face, asking me "Hey Mike. When is it time for you and me to spend some one-on-one time. You love Hall and Oates, right? I know, who doesn't? You know that song mano-a-mano? You and me, dude. Mano-a-mano. Let's do this thing, already." Literally every time I opened the fridge, he would say that to me. Since no one likes a broken record, or a skipping needle, or even a skipping CD, today had to be the day. I shook it up thoroughly. Got out to glasses. Split that drink right in half; half of it for me, half of it for Dan and none for corgis. You know what happened after that? I took one sip and didn't like it, plain as that. I don't know why they called it Cookies & Cream since it didn't taste anything like cookies and cream. It didn't taste anything like cookies or cream, but it did taste like cruddy chocolate milk. I would not recommend this and I would not buy this again. I do not regret my purchase, but I have considered it a learning experience as to what not to do again.

North American Beverage Co? Number one, change your name. You sound like a government subsidy or a company that only makes drinks for elementary school cafeterias. Number two? Drop this item from your line.

Website
http://www.northamericanbeverage.com/
Country
United States
Sweetener
Sugar
Categories
Milk
Rating
2/5
Reviewed By
Mike Literman on February 3rd, 2011
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Jones Naturals Strawberry Manilow

Jones Naturals Strawberry Manilow

If you didn't chuckle at the name of this drink I assure you, you have no soul. It's funny. You know a little wacky word play. I give up. You were tragically born without a sense of humor.

I would have really liked this a lot more if it didn't have dairy in it. It really would have made a great juice. All of the berries really blend well together. Instead it tastes like a liquid version of those Lifesavers Creme Savers candy. Those never sat right with me. Solidified creme is just plain strange.

Website
http://www.jonessoda.com
Country
United States
Sweetener
Inverted Cane Sugar
Categories
Juice, Milk
Rating
3/5
Reviewed By
Jason Draper on February 4th, 2011
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Almond Breeze Chocolate Almond Milk

Almond Breeze Chocolate Almond Milk

Of all the alt-milks out there, almond milk is by far my favorite. It's smooth and doesn't taste watery or chalky. As far as vegan chocolate milk goes, this is the best. It's super rich and delicious and makes me wish I had Oreos to dip into it. I don't know why I only buy this every few months. When I have it in the fridge it rarely lasts longer than a few days.

Website
http://www.almondbreeze.com/
Country
United States
Sweetener
Evaporated Cane Juice
Categories
Milk
Rating
4/5
Reviewed By
Derek Neuland on April 4th, 2011
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Almond Breeze, Chocolate, 32 oz.

Crave Chocolate

Crave Chocolate

What do I crave? I crave chocolate milk that is thick. I want chocolate milk that is on the cusp of a milkshake. Why? Why would you ask me? Do you like thin, runny chocolate milk? That's for kids...well chocolate milk is for kids. I mean, chocolate milk is for everyone. Greg, a dude I work with who beat me in go-carts over the weekend, cannot stop drinking these once he starts and he's in his thirties. This is nice, thick chocolate milk. It's got a rich flavor that you don't care about slamming. Plus, due to the fact that it's in that rad aluminum can, you can shake it up all you want and create perfect, frothy chocolate milk. What more could you ask for? You want one now, don't you? I'm a salesman. I'm hired.

Website
http://icravemilk.com/
Country
United States
Sweetener
Sugar
Categories
Milk
Rating
4/5
Reviewed By
Mike Literman on June 30th, 2011
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Crave Original Chocolate Milk, 12-Ounce (Pack of 12)

Vio Vibrancy Drink Very Berry

Vio Vibrancy Drink Very Berry

Hey dude, I've got this great berry milk. Berry milk? What do you think it is? Yeah, it's like strawberry milk but berry. Did you really need to ask? Sometimes, Daren, I don't know. Give this a try. It's good right? I don't know why they didn't think of this earlier. What have you got there? Daren? Give it here. Seltzer water? That's it? What are you, an old lady? Who just drinks seltzer water? Are you in clown training school or something? Daren. Come on, you know that clowning is a saturated market and the placement has been going down. It's a dying trade. I know you're great at making balloon animals while riding on a tiny bike. What??!!!? Why did you do that? Awwww, Daren. You got seltzer in my berry milk and it's...fantastic. Can you give me another spritz please?

Daren, I take it all back. This is incredible. I've heard that there is a company called Vio that makes a drink that tastes exactly like this. Daren, you know what, buddy? I've got a friend whose dumb kid is having a bar mitzvah and they were looking for a clown. I am going to call Andrew Abromowitz and put in a good word. Practice up on your trade, your craft, and work on your face paint. You look like a sad clown and no one is going to hire a sad clown.

Website
http://www.viovibe.com
Country
United States
Sweetener
Cane Sugar
Categories
Milk, Sparkling
Rating
4/5
Reviewed By
Mike Literman on July 26th, 2011
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VIO Very Berry, 8 Ounce Bottles (Pack of 12)

Vio Vibrancy Drink Peach Mango

Vio Vibrancy Drink Peach Mango

Hi, my name is Stephen Milakis and I'm the national champion for "Float Chugging." My record is that I was able to drink a dozen 20oz mugs of the root beer variety in just under 90 seconds. Sure it hurt, and I was on the verge of spewing everywhere, but I'm a champion and I play to win. The post contest belch is also extremely gratifying. Next month I am set to participate in the worldwide championship. I thought I had it in the bag. The kid from Mongolia was the only who actually seemed like a real contender. Yesterday I received a package and everything changed. At every float chugging contest I've been at in the states the beverage used has always been root beer based. There was one time things got a little crazy and sarsaparilla was used, but it's basically the same thing. In the package was an assorted sixer of the various flavors of the company Vio. Apparently they are sponsoring the event, and so their drinks are being used. The issue I have with this is that all of their drinks are prepackaged (no actual ice cream) and are all fruit flavored. I don't know which is more disturbing. First off, these didn't come cold. They are made with skim milk and cream, and the packaging says that it contains no preservatives. How does this stuff not spoil? When I cracked open the first bottle i expected it to be rancid and chunky. Surprisingly it was not. Secondly, I don't know if I'm going to be able to chug fruit flavors. I'm so used to root beer that I've become desensitized to it. This is going to be like starting all over again. Ugh.

I'm going to still give it my all. I'm an American and we don't know when to admit we've been defeated. I'll start by downing this sixer and see how long it takes. First to go will be the peach mango flavor. It doesn't smell rancid, but it sure does smell strange. It actually tastes pretty good. It's like someone dumped some juice into milk. Wouldn't that also make it spoil? There is so much going on in this can that should make it go bad. The more I drink the worse it gets. As tasty as this was at the beginning, by the end of this 8oz metallic bottle it's hard to get it down. Dairy in liquid form should not be carbonated. Screw this I'm not even going to bother getting on my flight to Norway. I'll feign illness or something. Anything is better than losing to a Mongolian.

Website
http://www.viovibe.com
Country
United States
Sweetener
Cane Sugar
Categories
Milk, Sparkling
Rating
3/5
Reviewed By
Jason Draper on January 21st, 2012
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VIO Peach Mango, 8 Ounce Bottles (Pack of 12)

Upstate Farms Pumpkin Spice

Upstate Farms Pumpkin Spice

Your grandma rules. Make her cookies for once. Every time you go over there, she's up to something. Something delicious, not something maniacal. You're grandma who is capable of every baked good imaginable is not capable of even the slightest evil. You want cookies? Don't worry because she has some in the freezer that she made yesterday and if that's not good enough for you, you brat, she does have two different types in the oven as we speak. She also makes the best spaghetti, regardless of her heritage, known to man.

There is always some sort of pie there. Typically it's a cherry or an apple pie, complete with those nice, woven tops like you see in movies and in print. She doesn't do those lazy flat, plain tops with a couple holes so you know what kind of garbage pie it is. You grandma deal with quality. Your grandma is the Rolls Royce of cooking and baking. When it comes time to fall, she makes pumpkin pie and it's obviously delicious. She nails it every time and has never made a bad pie in her life. Upstate Farms has hired your grandma at a reasonable rate to spill her secrets into a plastic container because this stuff tastes like pumpkin pie and I'm not exaggerating. There are even little spice specs, a term I just coined that if anyone uses henceforth they owe me royalties, inside of the drink. It's delicious.

Throw your forks in the garbage, kiss your grandma on the cheek, and go get this. It's a limited time thing that might only be available in Upstate New York. Wash your forks and put them back in the silverware drawer. I don't know why I told you to throw your forks in the garbage. You don't need them for a drink, is what I was getting across. Then I tried to get you to help your grandma out because she already made you a large meal. There is no reason she should be doing your dishes, too, you ingrate.

Website
http://www.upstatefarms.com
Country
United States
Sweetener
Sugar
Categories
Milk
Rating
5/5
Reviewed By
Mike Literman on October 18th, 2011
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La Vanquita Licuados Dulce de Leche

La Vanquita Licuados Dulce de Leche

I've got a headache. I wish I could pour this drink on my brain. I've watched enough doctor shows on television to know that when you do things to the brain, it makes you do funny things. Poke here and you pick your nose. Poke there and you'll recite the alphabet in Spanish. If I poured a caramel milk on my brain, I think that it would be bad, number one, but before I went into an inevitable, caramel induced coma, I would hope to do some all encompassing spastic dance and spit out some unintelligible gibberish. I guess that I would be making a big mistake and it would not be funny or worthwhile.

If I were to miss my giant open head cavity and make some in my mouth, or have some drip out of the crevices of my brain and into my mouth, I would say that it was delicious and calming and perfect for a headache. It's just a very smooth, very caramel drink. You know those little, plastic wrapped caramels that both your grandma and myself love? They taste like that if you ate one and chased it with milk, or, better yet, drank milk, held it in your mouth, and chewed one of those caramels.

It should be known that I didn't remember that it was Halloween when I was talking about brains and stuff. That came to me naturally.

Website
http://lavaquitacheese.com/
Country
United States
Sweetener
Sugar
Categories
Milk
Rating
4/5
Reviewed By
Mike Literman on October 31st, 2011
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So Delicious Coconut Milk Nog

So Delicious Coconut Milk Nog

Ever since I went vegan and no longer could drink eggnog, I have been searching for a good vegan substitute. I have finally found it! This is seriously better than I remember regular eggnog being. The coconut milk makes this drink so creamy and thick. And it has the perfect amount of nutmeg. My holiday season just got so much better!

Website
http://www.turtlemountain.com/
Country
United States
Sweetener
Organic Dried Cane Syrup
Categories
Coconut, Milk
Rating
5/5
Reviewed By
Derek Neuland on November 10th, 2011
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Vio Vibrancy Drink Citrus Burst

Vio Vibrancy Drink Citrus Burst

Marty wasn't like the other kids. He just could not get down with creamsicles. It just reminded him of when he was but a toddler and he tried to make an ice cream float with orange juice instead of soda. Just thinking about how the mixture curdled makes him want to vom all over the place. Ever since then he has stayed clear of those treats in ice cream and soda form.

The strange thing is that little Marty loves this Vio drink. You might say "but Marty that is the exact same thing as a creamsicle except the orange is switched out for lemon lime." You would be correct, but what you're forgetting is that Marty didn't dump cream into a cup filled with straight lemon and lime juice. When he drinks this, he just thinks about it being 7Up or Sprite that had ice cream added to it, and then it melted. No curdling involved. He's a happy camper. I'm a happy camper. You're a happy camper. Did I mention that we're at summer camp, sitting around a campfire sipping on these little treats? Well maybe I'm not a happy camper. While I love the way these taste, they do get to be a bit much to drink a whole 8oz bottle.

Website
http://www.viovibe.com
Country
United States
Sweetener
Cane Sugar
Categories
Milk, Sparkling
Rating
3/5
Reviewed By
Jason Draper on December 8th, 2011
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