Milk (81 reviews)

Fuze Strawberry Guava

Fuze Strawberry Guava

Two things: A. Why did they add sucralose to this when there are both sugar and crystalline fructose up near the top? B. Why does Fuze feel the need to add skim milk to their drinks?

In answer to A I’ve read that small amounts of sucralose and other zero calorie sweeteners help to enhance the natural flavors of a drink. I’m called bull on that. What it does enhance is the terrible artificial diet flavor. It’s really unnecessary.

The reason for the second question isn’t so clear. Perhaps the CEO just likes slightly milky drinks. It reminds me of when I was little and I would mix all the drinks in the fridge into a “power drink.” In early trials I would mix in some milk, then I realized that it was kind of gross, and I started to exclude it. It would sometimes curl when mixed with juice. I’m surprised that doesn’t happen in here. Adding milk to a drink always gives it a slight melted ice cream flavor.

Let me sum up this drink for you. It would be a decent juice if there weren’t sucralose in it. It’s too bad that it has the terrible diet flavor to it. Why add that flavor when there is still 42g of sugar in the bottle? Oh and while we’re at it, they should have left out the milk as it makes it weird and creamy and melted milkshake like.

Website
http://www.drinkfuze.com/
Country
United States
Sweetener
Sugar
Categories
Juice, Milk, Sports/Dietary Supplement
Rating
3/5
Reviewed By
Jason Draper on August 2nd, 2012
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Fuze Beverage, Strawberry Guava , 16.9 Fl. Oz., (Pack of 6)

Mi Canton Horchata Sabor De Morro

Mi Canton Horchata Sabor De Morro

I decided to continue my mind trip to our neighbors to the south with this beverage. No, I’m not drinking apple soda and this back to back, I’m just writing the reviews at the same time.

For those of you who are not familiar with horchata (I’m expecting that to be the majority of you reading this), turn off your computer, make your way to the closest authentic Mexican restaurant to you (of course Chipotle doesn’t count!) and order yourself the biggest glass possible. You don’t even need to know what it is. You have the assurance of the Thirsty Dudes that you will love it. Actually if you are lactose intolerant or vegan ignore that order because you will either get really sick or the vegan police will come after you. If that is the case, we assure you that you will not love the way you feel after drinking it.

Horchata is rice, milk and spices (mostly cinnamon) in Mexican culture. Other countries have their own varieties, but the Mexican version is the only one I have ever tried. I admit, it doesn’t sound too appealing, but something happens when those ingredients are mixed together that is magical. It still has a slight rice flavor, but nothing horrible. Actually none of the flavors are too overbearing. They all mix together and live in food racial food harmony.

I’ve only ever had one prepackaged horchata before, and it was a bit on the gross side. If it’s not coming from one of those constantly churning drink machines that used to always be in restaurants, but that you don’t see too often anymore…well then I would tend to avoid it. My friend Ian bought me this when we were on tour together, and I’m glad he did, because it’s one of the best horchatas I’ve had. It tastes like it came right from the machine. Everything is in perfect balance (unlike my last prepackaged one). Now I really want to eat a burrito. Too bad it’s so late and I’m too lazy to make one.

Website
http://www.trianglequalityfoods.com
Country
United States
Sweetener
Sugar
Categories
Milk, Other/Weird
Rating
4/5
Reviewed By
Jason Draper on July 18th, 2012
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Silk Pure Almond Unsweetened

Silk Pure Almond Unsweetened

Jerry wasted much of his time trying to unlock the secret of the almond, mainly how to get “milk” from them. You see Jerry was absolutely disgusted by milk that came from animals. Rice milk tasted too much like rice for his liking. Soymilk was a good substitute for a while, but he soon learned that consuming a lot of it just wasn’t healthy. It was at this point that almond milk entered his life. He loved the nuts, and he loved the milk. It just baffled him where the milk came from. The nuts were fairly dry themselves, but he did some experiments to compress moisture out of them and came up with failure. His next thought was that maybe the milk came from the almond plant, and not specifically from the nuts. He went to the local botanical gardens and checked out the trees. While he was able to get some liquid from them, it wasn’t anything like what he bought at the grocer, and it wasn’t anything that he would have liked to consume.

Disillusioned he finally gave in and looked it up on the internet. It was then that Jerry learned that almond milk was actually just ground up almonds in water. He felt like an idiot for not thinking of that, but it made sense. His favorite kind was the Silk unsweetened because it tasted the most like actually almonds, and really who needs extra sugar in their milk? Now that he knew how it was made, when he took a sip he could taste that it was exactly how it was made. It really just tasted like raw almonds in liquid form. It was wonderful.

That is the story of how almonds saved breakfast and how you can find out anything via the internet.

Website
http://www.silksoymilk.com
Country
United States
Sweetener
No Sugar Added
Categories
Milk
Rating
5/5
Reviewed By
Jason Draper on July 10th, 2012
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So Delicious Almond Milk Almond Plus

So Delicious Almond Milk Almond Plus

Milk disgusts me to no end. The stuff that makes up milk is vom inducing. While I’ll eat it if it’s used to make some food, just drinking it is a big no-no. When I was younger I would put it in my cereal, but dump it out of each spoonful. It was such a waste, but I couldn’t bring myself to drink it. Eventually I moved on to soymilk, but drinking that in large quantities isn’t that great for you either, so a few years ago I happily landed on almond milk.

Almond milk is something I can completely get behind, as long as you go for the unsweetened variety. I go through about a gallon of the unsweetened Silk brand a week. This week when I went to the store they were out of it, and all that was left was this new carton of So Delicious Almond Plus. As I said I usually stay away from the ones with added sugar, because I eat the cereal of a child and it has more sugar than I should probably eat all day. The look of this carton was intriguing to me, and I liked the idea of added protein, so instead of stopping at another store I decided to give this a try. It was a mistake. My normal almond milk doesn’t have too much of a presence. It’s just has a dull almond taste that is generally overpowered by my cereal (fake Cinnamon Toast Crunch for those of you playing at home). If I were to drink it by itself it’s pleasant enough. This on the other hand is far too sweet. Well it’s not insanely sweet like a soda, but the sugar distracts from the taste of the almonds, and it just tastes like sweetness with a harsh, almost burnt, almond aftertaste. It makes my cereal taste completely different. Needless to say I am not a fan, and I would trek to a different store the next time Wegmans is out of my Silk.

Website
http://www.turtlemountain.com/
Country
United States
Sweetener
Dried Cane Syrup
Categories
Milk
Rating
2/5
Reviewed By
Jason Draper on June 25th, 2012
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Got Milk? Magic Straws Chocolate

Got Milk? Magic Straws Chocolate

Fact: This is the slowest glass of chocolate milk you will ever drink. The slowest. When you drink this chocolate milk, you drink it much like a fine wine. You swirl it, aerate it, sniff it, and compare it to things like wood and old books. Now you can drink it in stealth. You can go to a big meeting with regular, white milk, and smuggle in these straws and be a kid disguised as an adult man who makes six figures. Here's the thing, though, back to what I said about this being slow. The chocolate comes in these little, compressed chocolate flavor balls stuffed from tip to tail in this straw. You pour a glass of milk, you put in your straw, and it melds together, forming one from two. It's almost romantic from a cannibalistic type of way. I mean, you're drinking the beautiful thing these two made together and we're all complaining about how slow we were doing it. Savages. Anyhow, you take a nice sip and you've got a nice, sweet chocolate milk. You take another sip and you've got white milk. Wait...what a second. You were drinking chocolate milk a second ago and now, all of a sudden, you're drinking regular milk. What...did someone pull the old switcheroo on you or something? No. It happens. Here comes science.

The milk dissolved the chocolate balls at a certain rate. You drinking sucks up all that dissolved chocolate along with the milk creating chocolate milk on the go. This erosion of chocolate only happens so fast so you have to take a sip and then wait. Take a sip and then wait. Yes, if you wait this is good chocolate milk but to milk, no pun intended, an eight-ounce glass of chocolate milk is hard work. Patience is a virtue or a great glass of chocolate milk. In these fast times, there isn't a lot of time to take an evening to drink a glass of chocolate milk.

Website
http://www.magicstraws.com
Country
United States
Sweetener
Sugar
Categories
Milk
Rating
3/5
Reviewed By
Mike Literman on June 24th, 2012
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Got Milk Magic Straws - Chocolate - 4 Packs - 24 Straws

Tree Of Life Chocolate Almond Milk

Tree Of Life Chocolate Almond Milk

I've eaten a lot of almonds and I've drunk a lot of chocolate milk. Put these two things together and I've got high hopes. Why? I like both things. I don't know the crazy behind the idea of getting "milk" from almonds but I guess a "hats off to you" should come your way because not once have I chewed or squeezed an almond and gotten milk from it. Unless I'm misunderstanding something, which I probably am, I didn't know that almonds contained any sort of moisture let alone drinkable, containable milk.

I have drunk soymilk and rice milk but I've never had almond milk. I suppose I'm stupid to assume that it would taste like almond flavored chocolate milk. That would be great. If you could make this drink but leave some of the almond flavor, I would buy the daylights out of it. Inside this carton is a smooth and creamy, as advertised, chocolate milk. Real smooth. Silky smooth. It tastes different than something like a delicious Nesquik and tastes more like generic corner store chocolate milk. That's not bad, but I just want to set you up right so you know what to expect.

I don't know if I've ever had bad chocolate milk and this certainly doesn't break the mold but if you're vegan, I may have just made your day. Let me know if I've made your day. In the meantime I'm going to eat some pepperoni pizza and think of how you're probably drooling.

Website
http://www.kehe.com/treeoflife/Home.aspx
Country
United States
Sweetener
Sugar
Categories
Milk
Rating
3/5
Reviewed By
Mike Literman on June 13th, 2012
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Nestle Aguas Frescas Horchata

Nestle Aguas Frescas Horchata

Felix was a cat that lived in Rio de Janeiro. He loved the nightlife and he never wanted to leave. He lived there all his life and was very accustomed to the sights, sounds, and most of all, smells. He was a cat that roamed around during the day to the local eateries and was a common face. Shop owners would leave out saucers of milk because Felix was such a good cat.

One time, it was late at night. Music was playing and people were dancing. Felix was having a good time in the alley just watching. He found himself a bit thirsty so he walked around the corner to see if he could find something to eat. Just then, he heard someone yell, "Hey! Cat!" Felix turned around and it was an old man who worked at a spice shop. The man said "Hey cat. Come here." he then laid out a nice saucer of milk and put some cinnamon in it. He told the cat that he was sure to love it. Felix looked down at the milk and it was quite inviting. He took one lap and was in love. It was sweet, cinnamony, and still was a nice, milky drink. This will most certainly be a stop he makes more often.

Website
http://www.nestleusa.com
Country
United States
Sweetener
Sugar
Categories
Milk, Other/Weird
Rating
3/5
Reviewed By
Mike Literman on April 28th, 2012
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Nestle Aguas Frescas Horchata-Pet, 14-Ounce (Pack of 6)

La Vanquita Licuados naranja

La Vanquita Licuados naranja

Apparently there is something wrong with me. I don't care for oranges and I especially don't care for creamsicles. If it was a hot, summer day and you offered me a creamsicle, I would kindly deny it. If you offered it to me again, I would less kindly deny it. If you were to re-offer it to me for a third time I would not-kindly stab you in the stomach with said creamsicle. With enough force, the hard, wooden stick would stab you in the stomach and the creamsicle would melt and make your lower portions very sticky. No one wants that so don't offer me a creamsicle.

This tastes like a creamsicle but it's not bad because it almost tastes like a creamsicle that your strange mom would make you. "We don't buy creamsicles because we can make them at home cheaper." she always says. She mixes orange juice, sugar, and milk in a bowl, pours it into an ice cube tray and covers it in cellophane and puts little toothpicks in it. That's what it tastes like. Classic mom. If you like the ingredients, you will like this. If you like creamsicles, you will like this. If you like your mom, you will like this. If you are vegan, you would like this given enough bodily training so you body can re-learn how to process dairy products.

Practice makes perfect in milk, sports, and musicianship.

Website
http://lavaquitacheese.com/
Country
United States
Sweetener
Sugar
Categories
Milk
Rating
3/5
Reviewed By
Mike Literman on April 13th, 2012
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Fuze Peach Mango

Fuze Peach Mango

An open letter to the beverage world,

Folks, don’t you think you’ve beaten it into the ground? Perhaps we should just let it die in peace. Peaches are great. Mangoes are wonderful. When you combine the two they make a nice couple. You know the kind that will date for a few years, eventually get married and go on to have a nice respectable family. Everyone likes to know a couple or two like that, but no one wants to be surrounded by nothing but couples like that. It leaves one feeling like something is wrong with them for not being a part of such a wonderful couple. Then the non peach-mango will get desperate and try to pair itself with anything to be like the happy couples. That just isn’t good for anyone. Am I making any sense? Of course I’m not. My point in that it seems every drink company out these days has a peach mango option. It’s been overdone and it’s no longer exciting. It used to be one of my favorites, but I no longer look forward to reviewing drinks of this flavor. I know you folks have more in you, so be creative. Match up some other fruits. I bet a passionfruit/dragonfruit would make for a wonderful wedding.

Sincerely,
Jason & The Thirsty Dudes.

ps. This actually has a decent peach/mango flavor to it, but for some reason they decided to add sucralose along with the sugar and crystalline fructose in here and you catch hints of it. I have no idea why they added it, but one serving still contains 42g of sugar, so it obviously wasn’t to keep the calories down. Also if I didn’t know there was milk in this I don’t know if I would realize it was there, except for a little extra creaminess. Knowing it’s in there grosses me out a little. I’m going to guess that 95% of this drink is all water, sweetener and milk. Take a second to think about making that in your kitchen. You wouldn’t want to drink it then, so why would they put it in here? I don’t see what it’s there for at all. Take it out and maybe this drink would have gotten 4 bottles. As it is Derek is off crying because a cow was raped to make this drink. Fuze, why did you have to go and make Neulando Calrissian cry?

Website
http://www.drinkfuze.com/
Country
United States
Sweetener
Crystalline Fructose
Categories
Juice, Milk, Sports/Dietary Supplement
Rating
3/5
Reviewed By
Jason Draper on March 10th, 2012
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Fuze Peach Mango, 16.9-Ounce Bottles (Pack of 12)

Copper Mountain Hot 2 Go! Light Hot Cocoa

Copper Mountain Hot 2 Go! Light Hot Cocoa

Ma'am, please. Get down here in the bomb shelter before another bomb goes off. Shut the door. We don't want any bad guys or shrapnel coming down here. This is a safe zone. You never thought you'd be in a bomb shelter, did you? Well, here beneath the Jewish school, we've been stocking up. Notice how we have separate shelves for meats and dairy. I'm not even Jewish and I can appreciate the orthodox nature of this organized bomb shelter. Sure, until the smoke clears, we won't be able to eat a cheeseburger or pepperoni pizza, but I can deal with it. We've got plenty of Twinkies and this canned hot chocolate. It's diet because if we lived off nothing but Twinkies, gelt, and non-diet hot cocoa, we wouldn't be able to make it up the stairs because we would have gained so much weight.

We've got like fourteen cases of this hot cocoa and eleven car batteries to run the microwave and space heater. Can I make you a can? Yes? Great. It will be ready in a minute.

Here you are. Piping warm. What do you think? Yeah, I got that, too. It's good at first and then gets really diet tasting. You always know that it's hot cocoa, but it's got a constant sucralose undertone. It's not bad. Sure, we've also got bottled water, but this is in a can, which I feel is chemical bomb proof. You know what? On second though, this might be harder than we thought. Why? Well...how to put this...they stocked the food, have blankets, batteries, water, but they're forgetting one thing. Toilets. There is nowhere to go to the bathroom and there is a concrete floor that is four feet thick so we can't even go in a hole. Looks like that room that you thought was yours is going to have a handful of pee corners. Sorry, ma'am.

Website
http://www.coppermtnbev.com/
Country
United States
Sweetener
Sucralose
Categories
Diet, Milk
Rating
3/5
Reviewed By
Mike Literman on February 7th, 2012
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