Milk (81 reviews)

Lotte Milkis Strawberry

Lotte Milkis Strawberry

It's rough being eight. I can't have everything I want. Sure, I don't get homework and my math is just adding and subtracting and I only get like four hours a day to play with friends. I have no responsibilities except to brush my teeth, which I only do when mom is watching. I also feed the dog the food I don't want for dinner under the table regardless of what my dad says. So DJ Biacco the chihuahua has gained fifteen pounds and my parents have no idea why. I don't care. I'm eight and don't completely understand consequences.

One thing that I want is pop, all the time. I love it and my dumb mom never lets me have it. I don't care if I lose teeth; they just keep growing back, right? That's why I don't brush them, as I have previously mentioned. So I love pop and want more of it, number one. Number two, more strawberry milk needs to be stocked in the house. I love it and once again, I can't have it all the time and that's just not fair.

You know what would be great? Strawberry milk pop. Man, if they ever made that then I would just lose my mind. Wait, what? They do? You've got to be kidding me. I have to get some. You have some? It’s strange that you would have this on you. If I didn't know better, you would be trying to get me in your van. I don't think you have any. You do have it! I will get in the van because I see that you have video games and pizza in there, but just to eat one slice and try this Milkis.

Ahh! How did no one tell me about...yeah you can close the door. How did no one tell me about this before? It tastes like carbonated strawberry milk. This is the best drink I have ever had.

Where are we going? Oh, we're here? Oh, there's my house. Thanks for taking me home, although it was strange that you did that since I only live two blocks from where we were. Thanks anyhow and thanks for this Milkis.

Website
http://company.lottechilsung.co.kr/eng/
Country
Korea
Sweetener
Sugar
Categories
Milk, Soda Pop
Rating
4/5
Reviewed By
Mike Literman on July 15th, 2011
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Lotte Milkis

Lotte Milkis

Waiter, what is this? I ordered an ice cream float with Sprite and vanilla ice cream. You brought me a can of...what is this? Milkis? Also, it's in a can. I don't know how "ice cream float with Sprite and vanilla ice cream" sounds anything like Milkis. What? You don't serve milkshakes? That's crazy. It's right here on the menu. "We...oh...don't serve ice cream floats". Strange that you would even put it on the menu. Why don't you put...oh, that's right there, too. "We don't serve spaghetti sandwiches". Why do you fill your menu with things that you don't sell? Honestly, looking at this menu there are more things on it that you don't sell than things that you do sell.

Menu aside, why did you bring me this Milkis thing? It tastes like an ice cream float with Sprite and vanilla ice cream? You know what, kid, I'll take your word on it and not send it back to the chef...to put in the fridge. Ahh! Waiter, this tastes just like it. The Koreans nailed it! Can I say that? I don't mean it offensively, I just saw that it was made in Korea and want to give them full credit. Wow. There's milk in this and everything. I've got to get more and son, you're going to get a great 10% tip for this bill of $14.42.

Website
http://company.lottechilsung.co.kr/eng/
Country
Korea
Sweetener
Sugar
Categories
Milk, Soda Pop
Rating
3/5
Reviewed By
Mike Literman on July 12th, 2011
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Crave Chocolate

Crave Chocolate

What do I crave? I crave chocolate milk that is thick. I want chocolate milk that is on the cusp of a milkshake. Why? Why would you ask me? Do you like thin, runny chocolate milk? That's for kids...well chocolate milk is for kids. I mean, chocolate milk is for everyone. Greg, a dude I work with who beat me in go-carts over the weekend, cannot stop drinking these once he starts and he's in his thirties. This is nice, thick chocolate milk. It's got a rich flavor that you don't care about slamming. Plus, due to the fact that it's in that rad aluminum can, you can shake it up all you want and create perfect, frothy chocolate milk. What more could you ask for? You want one now, don't you? I'm a salesman. I'm hired.

Website
http://icravemilk.com/
Country
United States
Sweetener
Sugar
Categories
Milk
Rating
4/5
Reviewed By
Mike Literman on June 30th, 2011
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Buy Now
Crave Original Chocolate Milk, 12-Ounce (Pack of 12)

Vitasoy Soy Drink Chocolate

Vitasoy Soy Drink Chocolate

I purchased this little gem as part of a mean sixer at a local Asian supermarket. I have been looking at it but have been too cheap to drop the necessary $4 to buy it. If it were in singles or an assorted pack, dude, I would have reviewed all of them, but when it comes to spending $4 on a juice box that I am going to drink one of and give the rest away, it's hard. I know my girlfriend has drunk two, Derek has one, I just drank one and that leaves a few more. I think I promised Jay one. Anyhow, the review...

I was impressed. I have had some strange, imported soy chocolate milk and they are gross. This rivals YooHoo, but probably not Nesquik because that is pretty darn fantastic in my opinion. This, to me, I think would be kid friendly, too. It's still a crap-load of calories (160) but if your son is lactose intolerant and needs chocolate milk, this won't make him get sick.

I really think that this could stand the kid taste test, too. If you had your kid drink 15 non-market chocolate milk boxes and then snuck one of these buddies in there, two things would happen.
1. I would call CPS on you because you just gave your kid 16 chocolate milks in one sitting and are a terrible parent.
2. Before you got carted away by the authorities, your kid wouldn't be able to tell the difference.

If you're vegan or lactose intolerant, get this. If you still don't want chocolate milk, enjoy your menial desk job, your boring car, your turkey sandwiches with the crust cut off, and your "Hang In There" cat poster, turd.

Website
http://www.vitasoy.com/
Country
Hong Kong
Sweetener
Sugar
Categories
Milk, Soy
Rating
4/5
Reviewed By
Mike Literman on June 20th, 2011
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Woongjin Morning Rice

Woongjin Morning Rice

Son, it's time for breakfast. What do you want? Cereal? What kind? Sugar Smacks? Alright. Hurry downstairs, you've got to eat quickly or you are going to miss the bus. You know what happens when you miss the bus. You've heard that Kris Kross song, right? Oh, that's right, you're 11 and not an adult. I've got to brush my teeth and put my tie on, have a good day at school and don't forget to put your bowl in the sink when you're done with it.

{5 minutes elapses}

I told him to put his bowl in the sink. I also told him to use less milk and now there's a bowl full of milk and no milk left in the carton. I am not above drinking this and that is what I am going to do. That's not bad. That's actually pretty good. I like Sugar Smacks, but if I could just get the milk that would be awesome. I wonder if anyone has thought of it.

"Someone has thought of it, Tom!", screamed the television.

What?

"A company in Korea named Woongjin has created a beverage called "Morning Rice" which tastes like cereal milk."

Well, how about that. I have to go to work, television, I'll talk to you later because I am a crazy person.

Website
http://www.wjfood.com/
Country
Korea
Sweetener
Couldn't Read Ingredients
Categories
Milk, Other/Weird
Rating
3/5
Reviewed By
Mike Literman on May 23rd, 2011
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Chocomel Chocolate

Chocomel Chocolate

Yeah, it's just chocolate milk, mom. You don't understand what it's like. Do you know what it is like to be 13? It's hard. You've got girls and homework. Well...yeah, you might have had girls and homework, too. And you had to ride in cars without seat belts? Well whatever, mom. It's 2011 and everything is harder. This chocolate milk isn't even from here. It's from the Netherlands. I don't even know what it is. It's illegal to have in this country. Oh, you just can't sell it here, but it's fine if it comes in? Well, check it out. Glass bottle. Oh, everything you had was in a glass bottle? You must have had it rough? Do you want to share this Chocomel? It's pretty good. It's like a real Nesquik. It's not as creamy but tastes more natural. You know what? I know I'm all grown up at 13, but you're pretty cool, even if you do drive a minivan. Oh, you had to sell your motorcycle when you had me? Sorry, man, you're tough.

Website
http://www.chocomel.nl/
Country
Netherlands
Sweetener
Sugar
Categories
Milk
Rating
3/5
Reviewed By
Mike Literman on April 8th, 2011
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Almond Breeze Chocolate Almond Milk

Almond Breeze Chocolate Almond Milk

Of all the alt-milks out there, almond milk is by far my favorite. It's smooth and doesn't taste watery or chalky. As far as vegan chocolate milk goes, this is the best. It's super rich and delicious and makes me wish I had Oreos to dip into it. I don't know why I only buy this every few months. When I have it in the fridge it rarely lasts longer than a few days.

Website
http://www.almondbreeze.com/
Country
United States
Sweetener
Evaporated Cane Juice
Categories
Milk
Rating
4/5
Reviewed By
Derek Neuland on April 4th, 2011
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Buy Now
Almond Breeze, Chocolate, 32 oz.

Vita Milk Soy Bean Milk

Vita Milk Soy Bean Milk

It's a steaming hot day. It's so hot that you can't even comprehend the idea of moving. You are soaked with sweat just from breathing. This fan isn't doing anything. There's only one thing that can save the day. A Slurpie? No that's kids stuff. You're an adult now and the only thing that will cool you down is a nice ice-cold bottle of soymilk. Crack one open and chug it. As you wipe some dribble off your chin you are the picture of refreshment. You've beaten that heat.

Obviously that is completely fabricated because of two important things.
1. Slurpies are for all ages. They cool down your body like nothing else. On top of that they are delicious. I don't think I could ever trust someone who tells me they don't like them.
2. Soymilk, or cow milk for that matter, is not refreshing at all. I love it on my cereal, but other than the chocolate variety, I can't see myself ever downing a glass of it for pleasure. It's very strange to me to have it in single serve glass bottles.

Also soymilk and tofu are both made out of soybeans, so why don't they taste similar? I think Vita Milk had the same thought and decided to do something about it. This tastes like they took bricks of tofu and put them in a blender with way more sugar than is ever needed. I think I'll stick to my vanilla soymilk on my cereal in the morning.

Website
http://www.vitasoy.com
Country
Thailand
Sweetener
Sugar
Categories
Milk, Soy
Rating
2/5
Reviewed By
Jason Draper on February 25th, 2011
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Olatte Milky & Fruity Apple

Olatte Milky & Fruity Apple

Milky and fruity? Interesting. As a scientist, I had to buy this drink. I didn't think that it was going to be bad, but I also didn't really know what to expect. With milk, you're kind of rolling dice. Giant dice. Fun dice that you would roll at a local discount home improvement store in order to get a percentage off of your purchase price. After opening the can, I looked in and it was creamy white. It smelled sweet and fruity and actually quite inviting. I poured some out to two different Mike's, one Kevin, and then myself, the third Mike.

I liked it. It was pretty sweet, but, as you could guess, smooth on account of milks doing. The apple was a pretty truthful apple flavor. I might say green apple if I have to pick. It's pretty good. Nothing like Apple Jacks, like you might imagine apple and milk would taste. That's bad for people who love cereal and think it would be a good idea to bottle and sell cereal milk. I've got news for you, friends. You aren't the only one who has thought of it.

Country
Korea
Sweetener
Fructose
Categories
Juice, Milk
Rating
3/5
Reviewed By
Mike Literman on February 8th, 2011
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Jones Naturals Strawberry Manilow

Jones Naturals Strawberry Manilow

If you didn't chuckle at the name of this drink I assure you, you have no soul. It's funny. You know a little wacky word play. I give up. You were tragically born without a sense of humor.

I would have really liked this a lot more if it didn't have dairy in it. It really would have made a great juice. All of the berries really blend well together. Instead it tastes like a liquid version of those Lifesavers Creme Savers candy. Those never sat right with me. Solidified creme is just plain strange.

Website
http://www.jonessoda.com
Country
United States
Sweetener
Inverted Cane Sugar
Categories
Juice, Milk
Rating
3/5
Reviewed By
Jason Draper on February 4th, 2011
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