Smoothie (54 reviews)

Hansen's Smoothie Pineapple Coconut

Hansen's Smoothie Pineapple Coconut

Hey. You know when you throw up and then try to cover up the taste with old popcorn? You do? Then number 1; I'm sorry. Number 2; you don't need to drink this.

For a company that has the best pop I've ever drunk, this stuff belongs in the filth can.

Here's how it went down...
I drank it and liked it while it was in my mouth. As soon as I swallowed it, I got a strange barf taste and I thought it might be the metal from the can so I poured it into a glass. I took another drink and it was worse. Afterwards I felt sick because you always are reminded of throwing up when your mouth tastes like, or recently tasted like, up-chuck.

I made this site with my bare hands and I wish I had created a 0 rating because this would get it.

Hansen's, I am happy that I reviewed this drink before your Cherry Vanilla Creme pop because you can only go up from here.

Website
http://www.hansens.com/
Country
United States
Sweetener
High Fructose Corn Syrup
Categories
Coconut, Smoothie
Rating
1/5
Reviewed By
Mike Literman on September 17th, 2010
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Rajbhog Sweet Rose Lassi

Rajbhog Sweet Rose Lassi

Travel back in time, back to the romantic era. The year is 1785 and you, a lonely soap maker meet a woman you love. You spend day in and day out producing sweet smelling soaps so that others may clean their bodies. Everyone loves your soaps and you do fairly well. People know you for who you are and respect what you do.

So along comes this woman who you begin courting in hopes that one day she will become your wife. She, of course, gets complimentary soap whenever she desires. She never grows tired of the scent and the way that it makes her skin feel. The soothing scents of lavender, roses, and other native flowers fill the air as she bathes herself once a month (not a scumbag thing. They took fewer showers since it was a chore to get hot water and they typically used "dry" shampoo to wash their hair. Leave them alone. They're all dead. I don't know why I mentioned it. Ignore that part. It's in type. I cannot be erased. It is too late.) She, if anything desires more scent. "More!" she beckons from the small one bedroom house as you trot off to work.

One day you go into work, and amongst all the animal fat and flowers and powders, and such, you think that you might try something new. You take the soap and melt it down and pour it into a glass. You frighteningly take a sip and it's pretty terrible, but you don't give up. No. You are not a quitter. You put some sugar in it and use less powder and more milk from the local dairy. After a couple secretive weeks of experimentation you've got it the perfect mix of creamy, sweet, floral drink that you desired.

The next day at the market, you fill some small bottles with this creamy mixture and have people try it. They do not like it. They say to you, "Good sir, we love your soaps for our bodies, but, alas, we do not love your soap for our gullets. I'm sorry." As you bow your head down in shame, your wife walks up to you with a smile on her face. She is so happy to see you. After all, you've spent so much time at the shop experimenting that your wife has nearly gone unnoticed. In hopes that she can cheer you up, as she always does, you give her a taste of your newest creation. She takes a dainty sip and a look comes across her face like no other you've seen before. She gives you a solid, definitive look of disappointment and then walks away. You don't talk to her for weeks until you finally agree that you will no longer produce the drink. You continue to bow your head in shame as yet another venture has gone up in smoke.

Basically, this drink tastes like old people soap.

Website
http://www.rajbhog.com/
Country
United States
Sweetener
Sugar
Categories
Smoothie, Yogurt
Rating
1/5
Reviewed By
Mike Literman on December 1st, 2010
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Suavva Cacao Juice Smoothie Original

Suavva Cacao Juice Smoothie Original

I'm so glad that you could join me for lunch, Charles. It's been too long. I'm sorry we had to meet like this, at a shopping mall food court to eat Sbarro's but we are two busy men that rarely have time for leisure like this. Yes, you and I have made quite a name for ourselves, what with me owning a successful underwear line and you being the impresario of subway covers. We still manage to stay fit and trim and this is our treat to ourselves: A nice slice of pizza from Sbarro's.

Wait...what's this about? This doesn't taste like the Sbarro's that I used to know and love. Remember when we used to go to the mall as kids in Queens and eat Sbarro's and it was the best? This pizza tastes like the box it came in. So disappointing. Good thing we've got these garlic knots to cancel out that blem. I also bought us some smoothies from that New Age shop next to the pet store but before the RV dealership. I don't know what happened to this mall. There is like a Claire's in here and almost nothing else. I swear that at one point there was a Saturn car dealership in here. So, as I was saying I bought us some cacao smoothies. I've had cacao before and it's like a bean than makes chocolate.

Ugh. Now what the heck is this about? Charles, I'm sorry but this is turning out to be the worst lunch I've ever had. This too tastes like the bottle it came in. What is happening? Why does everything taste like the receptacle that it came in? It tastes nothing like chocolate and is like a smooth, gooey mess. It also smells like paint.

Charles, I cannot apologize to you enough. If we could do this again sometime, please, you pick the place. This was a disaster. I love seeing you, but not like this. I hope that the sewer cover business is going well for you. It has to be better than this lunch.

Website
http://www.suavva.com
Country
United States
Sweetener
Agave Nectar
Categories
Smoothie
Rating
1/5
Reviewed By
Mike Literman on March 15th, 2013
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Suavva Cacao Juice Smoothie Chocolate

Suavva Cacao Juice Smoothie Chocolate

Mike gave the original version of this beverage a less than stellar review. The one line of his review that stuck with me, and also made me fear drinking the other flavors was, “It also smells like paint.” Nothing could make me want to taste something less than the smell of paint. Lucky for me when I finally gathered the courage to try this, the scent of paint was nowhere near my nostrils. They were only filled with the rich smell of chocolate.

Actually, maybe I wasn’t so lucky that the paint smell wasn’t there. Had it been I would have been more prepared for the way this tasted. I have never had cacao juice before, but I never would have expected it to taste like this. I mean it’s the base of chocolate for crying out loud. This tastes like it’s bitter, bitter dark chocolate mixed with acai or some such harsh fruit. It’s sweet, but in all the wrong ways. I wanted to like this because it has a lot of health benefits and I love chocolate, especially dark chocolate. I couldn’t bring myself to get further into this than three sips. I was hoping it would get better if I drank more, but nope it was still grosser than gross.

Website
http://www.suavva.com
Country
United States
Sweetener
Agave Nectar
Categories
Smoothie
Rating
1/5
Reviewed By
Jason Draper on April 16th, 2013
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Suavva Cacao Juice Smoothie Orange

Suavva Cacao Juice Smoothie Orange

Orange and gross. If you speed drink this, it might taste good. It does have a good initial orange juice taste but as soon as the orange goes down your gullet, it is promptly shoved, quite rudely out of the way, by a bitter taste. Do not for a split second think that this cacao has anything to do with chocolate because if it tasted like one of those fantastic orange chocolate balls, I would order a case of this. That is absolutely not the case and is actually the polar opposite.

You end up racing against that nondescript putrid taste by drinking and it's just an endless race. I checked the expiration date multiple times because I thought it had gone bad. Why wouldn't you just buy orange juice? That's all you want out of this drink is for it to taste like orange juice. The other stuff you can leave behind regardless of its healthy goodness. Eat a salad. Leave this on the shelf.

Website
http://www.suavva.com
Country
United States
Sweetener
No Sugar Added
Categories
Smoothie
Rating
1/5
Reviewed By
Mike Literman on August 20th, 2013
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Love Grace Chocolate Superfood

Love Grace Chocolate Superfood

Dear Love Grace,
I am sorry, but this is completely vile. It’s not just my hunger or my hatred of bananas either. I actually don’t even think this tastes much like banana. I made my girlfriend try it as well, as she loves fancy juices and bananas. She said it was one of the worst things she’s ever tasted and it reminded her of vomit.

One might think that a mixture of banana, goji berry, cacao, maca, vanilla bean, dates, coconut oil, flax seed and Himalayan sea salt might be tasty. One would most definitely be wrong. Cacao in its pure form and fruit is always a bad idea. The bitter and the sweet just never mix right. I’ve had goji berries and dark chocolate together before and I thought that was gross with 70% chocolate. This is nearly unbearable.

It’s also so damn thick that it wouldn’t pour out of the bottle. I had to shake it into my mouth. Once I made room in the bottle I added a bit of water to thin it out so I could chug it. I needed that flavor in my mouth for a short of time as possible, while still getting the nourishment. I instantly drank a glass of water to wash it all away. Unfortunately for the next 15 minutes I kept burping it back up. Ugh. This was enough to make me never want to do a cleanse that involved it again.

Website
http://lovegracefoods.com/
Country
United States
Sweetener
No Sugar Added
Categories
Juice, Smoothie
Rating
1/5
Reviewed By
Jason Draper on March 12th, 2014
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Genesis Organic Smoothie Superfood

Genesis Organic Smoothie Superfood

When I first took a sip of this, I thought it was juice. Only after tasting the chunks of fruit in it did I realize that it said smoothie on the label. I'm not a big fan of drinks with pulp and chunks, and this was REALLY chunky. That aside, I was hoping this would taste a lot more like other green juices I've had. Once again, I should have looked at the label instead of the color of the drink. As you can see, there is a giant banana on the label and this drink has a very strong banana flavor. The only ingredients in this are apples, bananas, and spirulina. I wasn't crazy about it, but that's because I generally don't like banana flavored drinks. Other than that, it was good and probably super good for you.

Website
http://www.genesisorganicjuice.com
Country
United States
Sweetener
Naturally Sweetened
Categories
Smoothie
Rating
2/5
Reviewed By
Derek Neuland on October 4th, 2010
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Rajbhog Mango Lassi

Rajbhog Mango Lassi

Right off the bat, I can tell you that this is not Sweet Rose part deux. This is actually drinkable. No, I didn't/couldn't finish the whole thing, but it was actually drinkable. The texture/viscosity/consistency is something to get used to. Think of this:

Go to your local grocery store. While your mom is buying girl stuff and boring vegetables, you take a quarter you found in between the seats of your family's Pontiac 6000 where you spent countless road trips sitting by yourself in "the way-back" watching other families watch you watch them watch you watch them. You check out the vending machines...plastic guns? No. Homies? Funny, and clearly racist, but no. Slime in an egg? Yep-ahh. You put your quarter with all it's french fry grease and dog hair into the slot, turn the crank, and down comes your clear egg with a creamy, pastel, yellow slime. All of a sudden, two punk kids come up to you and say, "Hey, kid. Nice slime. Eat it!" and you, who are no match for two kids wearing leather jackets with the sleeves cut off, open your mouth hole and slurp it down. Just as your finished with the last glob, you mom comes out with some stupid carrots and yells at those kids to go home.

That's what the texture was like, but the taste wasn't too bad. It tastes lightly of mango. Not bad. I won't have it again since each small bottle is 280 calories and it wasn't that much to come back to, but it wasn't bad.

Website
http://www.rajbhog.com/
Country
United States
Sweetener
Sugar
Categories
Smoothie, Yogurt
Rating
2/5
Reviewed By
Mike Literman on January 1st, 2011
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Chia\Vie Smoothie Mango-J

Chia\Vie Smoothie Mango-J

Did you know that chia seeds are what demigods grow from? True story. We’ve all heard the storied about how “primitive” people used to sacrifice virgins to their gods in order to appease them and ask for any number of gifts in return. Well that is just plain silly and barbaric. Somewhere along the line someone messed up a translation. You see in ancient times sacrifices were all the rage, but they had absolutely nothing to do with virgins. What does a god want with a virgin anyways? Nothing, that’s what. They are gods they can jut conjure up anything they like. Anything except one thing that is, and that thing is chia seeds. They are a sacred, sought after item for gods. You see much like Link needs to collect rubies in The Legend of Zelda in order to trade them for various weapons and dry goods, the gods much also collect chia seeds in order to trade them in for demigods. You see our life is meaningless to the ancient gods, except for the fact that they can use us to help gather chia seeds in order to win the game. Oh didn’t I mention that part? You see at the beginning of time, there were a bunch of bored gods. They sat around each other’s houses all the time bored, complaining that there was nothing to do and that being omnipotent was such a burden. One of them, maybe it was Odin (he always had the best ideas), came up with the idea for a game where all of the gods had to collect as much as something as possible, and then at a predetermined date they would count them all up and the one with the most one. It sounded boring at first, but then Odin, being the world’s first dungeon master, created an elaborate world in which the game would take place. In order to make the game harder, he created a new item called the chia seed. The gods could not just magically wish for them and they would appear. They had to have the inhabitants of the world gather the seeds for them. For every million seeds that were presented to them they could create an item that they were to be collecting. Everyone agreed that is was better than what they were doing so they began the game. After a while it seemed that it was taking all of the gods forever to collect the appropriate amount of chia seeds so Odin amended to rules so that the collected items would be demigods, and those demigods could also be used to raise more chia seeds. It was actually quite elaborate and Odin won a bunch of awards for it at the Omnipotent Awards that year.

So there you have it the true history of the gods and chia seeds. Now that the game is winding down the humans who once harvested the seeds for the gods have lost interest. To be honest they have pretty much lost all awareness of their task. Instead of gathering the seeds in order to present them to their specific gods they instead have started putting them in their beverages. You see not only are they good for creating demigods they are also chock full of fiber, omega-3 and antioxidants. Chia\Vie has made this drink with the seeds. They mixed some fruit juices and then ground down a bunch of chia seeds and added them to the drinks. It’s a little gritty, but not too bad. This specific flavor is supposed to be mango, but it ended up just tasting like cheap orange juice that had sat out for a long time and then rechilled. There’s a bit of mango in the mix, but old-orange is definitely the prevalent flavor.

Website
http://www.drinkchiavie.com
Country
United States
Sweetener
No Sugar Added
Categories
Smoothie
Rating
2/5
Reviewed By
Jason Draper on April 10th, 2012
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Love Grace Green Protein

Love Grace Green Protein

I’m now a day and a half into this juice cleanse and I shockingly feel fine energy-wise. By this point I really expected to just be curled up on the couch, miserable and not wanting to do anything. Instead I went for a couple hour walk to enjoy the brief stint of nice weather we’re having. I have been experiencing some on and off again headaches, but apparently that is normal. It is getting to the time of day when I eat dinner, and I can feel that in my stomach. Luckily it’s time for my protein smoothie of the day. Unlucky for me that smoothie contains banana, flax seed, kale, dates, spirulina, hempseed, chia seed, coconut oil, lemon, Himalayan sea salt and wheatgrass powder.

Now I eat a lot of kale in my day-to-day life and I love wheatgrass, but everything else in here are ingredients that I don’t really have a taste for. I expected this to be all banana, but it’s pretty bland and the majority of the flavor seems to come from the various seeds involved and the lemon. The banana is there more in scent than taste. It’s also super, super thick, almost to the level that I feel like I should eat it with a spoon. It’s thicker than applesauce, which I tend to drink for the record.

I got no pleasure from the taste of this smoothie, but I finished the whole bottle for the sake of my health and this cleanse. I would never in a million years drink this outside of a cleanse, but it’s not really something that you would come across in day-to-day life. Besides that healthy doesn’t always means it tastes good and sometimes you just have to bite the bullet. Also note that our rating on Thirsty Dudes is based on flavor and not functionality. It’s gets two for flavor, but it would get a five for health.

To this drinks benefit it definitely curbed my hunger a bit and for that I am grateful.

Website
http://lovegracefoods.com/
Country
United States
Sweetener
No Sugar Added
Categories
Juice, Smoothie
Rating
2/5
Reviewed By
Jason Draper on March 11th, 2014
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