Sports/Dietary Supplement (173 reviews)
Quinoa Gold Caffeine-Free Energy Mango Passion
When I saw this intriguing beverage I was pre-warned that this was "completely gross" by a friend who had already been roped into trying it. I was feeling adventurous (and I thought it couldn't be nearly as bad as he said it was), so I decided to give it a chance. Oh how I wish I hadn't. It was extremely bland. The quinoa "supergrain" gives the nearly flavorless beverage the consistency of a grits milkshake. I'm usually a fan of pulp and other floaty things in drinks, but this was just too much. I couldn't even finish a third of the bottle. I wouldn't recommend this to anyone as an everyday drink, but if you're drinking it for the health benefits, I say good luck to you.
- Website
- http://www.quinoagold.com/
- Country
- United States
- Sweetener
- Organic Agave Nectar
- Categories
- Chunky Drinks, Energy Drink, Sports/Dietary Supplement
- Rating
- Reviewed By
- Jason Draper on 9/8/2010
- Comments
- 1 Comment. Leave a comment.
Genesis Boost Youth Mangosteen
I've seen these drinks around a few times, but the $4-$5 price range always deterred me from trying it. When I saw it on sale for $2, I realized it was time to give it a chance. I've had dried mangosteen in the past, and it was pretty decent, so I was looking forward to this. When I opened it, there was brown gunk on the inside of the cap, I checked the expiration date, and it hadn't passed, so I chalked it up to "health food sludge." The smell is pretty terrible, like a fruit that is past ripeness. First swig it wasn't so bad, but it was kind of hard for me to finish the bottle. It reminded me of cider when it's just on the verge of becoming alcoholic. This is definitely not the beverage for me.
- Website
- http://www.genesisboost.com/
- Country
- United States
- Sweetener
- No Sugar Added
- Categories
- Elixir, Juice, Sports/Dietary Supplement
- Rating
- Reviewed By
- Jason Draper on 9/16/2010
- Comments
- 2 Comments. Leave a comment.
Function Light Weight Peach Mango
Ugh. I have had such good experiences with the other Function flavors I've tried. When I saw a peach mango one, I was so stoked. I didn't even take into consideration that it was "Light Weight." It tastes like nothing but artificial sweetener. I get no specific peach or mango flavor. It starts off with a general fruit flavor, and quickly turns to sucralose hell. If you are an alien and love the taste of artificial sweeteners, this may be right up your alley. I will be steering clear. Unfortunately I bought another flavor of "Light Weight" that I still have to review.
- Website
- http://www.functiondrinks.com/
- Country
- United States
- Categories
- Diet, Sports/Dietary Supplement
- Rating
- Reviewed By
- Jason Draper on 9/19/2010
Genesis Boost Inner Boost Noni
Ugh. Look. I just had the gnarliest food poisoning of my life. Worst. It destroyed me. Annihilated, I threw up so hard I fell out of bed. No, I'm not exaggerating. So what do I remember I have in my fridge? This Genesis Inner Boost drink, which is supposed to support detoxification and internal cleansing. What better thing to drink after getting internally crushed by bad seafood? Uh, well, I'll tell you. Anything. I could not like this drink any less. Yes, any less. Took two sips and couldn't touch the stuff. Number 1 ingredient, pear juice, 2; strawberry juice; 3, raspberry juice; 4, grape juice. All good, right? Yeah? Could it be #5, the dreaded Noni berry? I don't know. I'm not a large fan of pears, they are like crappy apples, but this didn't really taste like it. It didn't really taste like anything and smelled even worse.
This drink might be for someone and I'm not looking for something special, too fruity, too dry, too thick, too thin, whatever, I don't care. This seemed borderline undrinkable, like I could give it to 100 people and 100 people would say, "No, not for me." I'm clearly and evidently one in 100.
- Website
- http://www.genesisboost.com/
- Country
- United States
- Sweetener
- No Sugar Added
- Categories
- Juice, Sports/Dietary Supplement
- Rating
- Reviewed By
- Mike Literman on 11/13/2010
Cell-nique Super Green Drink Dark Chocolate
Mike and I have had our collective eye on the Cell-nique drinks for months. We would see it in the store every time we went. More often than not we would pick it up and look at the bottom of the bottle. There is so much sludge there. It was equally enticing and disturbing. The $4 price tag deterred us for a long time, but I finally gave in this week. I wish that I had put it off even longer.
Let's start with the fact that this has the longest list of ingredients that I have ever seen on a drink. There are 36 different ingredients. Sheer insanity. There is so much crazy stuff in here that I never in a million years would have expected to drink. Also, everything says "Organic" before it. I hate when companies do that. It's such overkill. This is pretty much supposed to be the healthiest thing you can ever drink. By default that means that it's going to be one gag shy of a trip to Pukeland, USA.
Here is my thought process starting with smelling it:
-Wow this doesn't smell nearly as bad as I expected. It has a general cocoa smell, with some undertones of weirdness. This might not be nearly as bad as I had anticipated. Oh wow it would rule if this actually tasted good for how healthy it is for you.
*Bottles Up*
-Okay that tastes like a strangely fruity dark chocolate bar. It’s not the greatest thing ever, but not that bad. I also expected this to have little chunks of grain (Quinona) in it.
*.2 seconds later*
Oh sweet Jesus what the hell is that flavor. It's like someone took every single thing that was in a fridge and put it all into a blender. It's a complete assault on the taste buds. There is absolutely nothing good about this flavor. Show me someone who enjoys this and I will show you someone who is either a liar or someone that was tragically born without taste buds.
*Again .2 seconds later*
Okay now it tastes like I just ate a spoonful of black licorice and hot chocolate mix, but the taste of liquid hell is still lingering in the background. Oh man this flavor just will not leave my mouth. I may have to cut out my tongue if this doesn't go away. I'm going to try and wash it down with something else.
*Hands bottle to Mike, goes into the kitchen and downs a tasty fluid*
Mike wanted to add that it tasted like he was eating a campfire somewhere in the middle of the flavor spectrum. I can't comprehend how disgusting this is. It's now a few hours after my initial tasting and I still have the memory of the flavor on my tongue. I've eaten several things since then as well.
Mike said that I should give this a two. Things this healthy don't have a chance in the flavor department. Sometimes you have to deal with something purely disgusting for the sake of health. This is so disgusting that the only way I could give it a two was if it gave me supernatural powers. I'm still normal me, so it's getting the loneliest of all numbers.
- Website
- http://www.cell-nique.com/
- Country
- United States
- Sweetener
- Naturally Sweetened
- Categories
- Elixir, Juice, Other/Weird, Sports/Dietary Supplement
- Rating
- Reviewed By
- Jason Draper on 2/24/2011
- Comments
- 1 Comment. Leave a comment.
Simplifast Blueberry
Ugh. Every time I take a sip it's like punishment. Not that "I know it's good for me so I'll do it" type of punishment. Not that "Oh this mouthwash burns, but I know it's killing germs and preventing me from getting gingivitis" type punishment. It's the "Who crushed all these Sweet Tarts and put them in this already disgusting juice?" type punishment. That's what it tastes like. 15 thousand Sweet Tarts, powderized and thrown into juice. It's supposed to detoxify, but I'd much rather just eat a bunch of celery, or maybe just perform an enema. Seriously, I can't imagine drinking this entire thing.
Here's the sweet thing about this review. Sure, it's gold already, but here's where I step up my own game. Who doesn't love math? This drink was $2.50. It's on the high side, but I figured, how can you mess this up? It's juice. So $2.50. On the label, it states that in order to achieve your intended weight loss goal of upwards of an estimated 15 pounds, you have to drink four drinks per day. Now we're up to $10 per day. Oh honey, don't let it stop there. You are supposed to drink 4 per day for a week. That's seven days. Bringing our grand total up to $70. $70 in juice.
I didn't need to detoxify. What do I have to clean out? Tacos? Please, leave them in there. I love them. Your drink on the other hand...
- Website
- http://www.simplifast.com
- Country
- United States
- Sweetener
- Organic Maple Syrup
- Categories
- Diet, Juice, Sports/Dietary Supplement
- Rating
- Reviewed By
- Mike Literman on 3/21/2011
FRS Healthy Energy Orange
At first, this was just orange juice. The further down the can I got, the more I hated it. I know, Dad. I shouldn't use the word "hate", but who cares in this case. I'm an adult man now and I can say what I want. We've had our differences, like that time I wore non-prescription glasses to Thanksgiving and we got in that fight and didn't talk for a year. That was awful. Sorry Dad, but this time I'm putting my foot down and saying what I want about this drink. It promptly starts tasting like someone poured orange juice powder in this can and filtered out the actual juice. Did someone just give me roofies? Man, I hope not. I've got stuff to do.
Don't spike my drink, and Lance Armstrong, sorry I don't enjoy what you endorse. Deal with it.
- Website
- http://www.frs.com/
- Country
- United States
- Sweetener
- Organic Evaporated Cane Juice
- Categories
- Energy Drink, Sports/Dietary Supplement
- Rating
- Reviewed By
- Mike Literman on 3/23/2011
- Comments
- 4 Comments. Leave a comment.
Celsius Apple Orchard Blend
Something must have gone terribly awry at ye olde apple orchard. You see I have this can of Celsius fitness drink that was made from the harvest of the orchard and it tastes like the entire orchard was marinated in pesticides, or that it was stewing in napalm. Perhaps this is actually made from the soil of the orchard that old apples had rotted in to. No I think it's actually apples covered in napalm. You see this has only the faintest apple taste to it. I think that might even be a stretch. In a blind taste test I would never in a million years be able to pick out that this is supposed to be apple flavored. It literally tastes like poison, like I'm drinking some fluid that is supposed to go in a car, but someone has apple artificial sweetener to it. I can't believe I finished the can earlier. I just needed to keep up the energy so Mike and I could talk all night scheming of what our plan of attack would be if we ever made it on to the TV show "Take the Money and Run." I bet we could totally get away with it. We're crafty and being imprisoned for 48 hours doesn't scare us. We're strong willed. Oh yeah, we were also riding our bikes for several hours while we were discussing this. Now It's almost 4 hours later. I'm sore, I'm all hyped up, and I can still taste this poison on my tongue. For shame Celsius. You can do better than this.
- Website
- http://www.celsius.com/
- Country
- United States
- Sweetener
- Erythritol
- Categories
- Diet, Energy Drink, Sports/Dietary Supplement
- Rating
- Reviewed By
- Jason Draper on 8/26/2011
My Body Shots Vitamin Mango Passionfruit
When an attractive woman came up to Steve at the bar he was shocked. He was completely in disbelief when she asked him if he wanted to do a body shot. Steve knew where he stood in life. He was pretty frumpy and he suffered from a terrible case of halitosis. On top of that he had the personality of a dead moth. To sum it up he was no prize catch. This woman was completely beautiful though and here she was standing in front of him asking if he wanted to drink alcohol off of her body. Something strange was going on in the world. Perhaps Zuul had come to reign over the humans. You know the whole “human sacrifice, dogs and cats living together... mass hysteria!” bit. Steve didn’t care this was a big moment for him and he wasn’t going to turn it down. Apparently all of these thoughts took awhile to process in his mind because the woman was just staring at him strangely and asked if he wanted one or not. Steve snapped out of it and moved in closer and said of course so. His halitosis almost made her throw up. She gagged, reached into her bag and threw a tiny bottle at Steve and walked away. Confused, he looked down at the item she had tossed his way. Oh of course, that makes perfect sense. The woman was a representative of the My Body Shots company and she was going around handing out free samples like the “Red Bull girls” do. Steve felt like an idiot, so he sat back down on his stool and downed the shot. It was all natural, so at least he didn’t have to worry about getting cancer. That was the only way he could see his life getting any worse. Somehow the shot still tasted a bit chemically. Steve guessed that when you concentrate so many vitamins and minerals it’s not going to have a pleasant taste, no matter what you do. It was supposed to be mango passionfruit flavored, but he couldn’t spot those specific flavors in the mix. It just had a general tropical/vitamin flavor to it. Since you’re supposed to down in all in one gulp, it wasn’t too bad. The variety he got was a rehydration shot, so at least it would help him avoid getting a hangover in the morning. Now only if it could cure his terrible breath.
- Website
- http://mybodyshots.com/
- Country
- United States
- Sweetener
- Cane Sugar
- Categories
- Sports/Dietary Supplement
- Rating
- Reviewed By
- Jason Draper on 3/6/2012
Viso Strawkey Strawberry Key Lime
My first experience with Viso was this summer at the Portland Zine Symposium. Viso was kind enough to donate 50 cases of their products to the 2 day zine fest. Seeing as I was one of the organizers and barely slept that weekend, Viso's energy drinks were what kept me going.
I picked this bottle up at the store thinking it was an energy drink. To my surprise, it wasn't. The bottle labels it as a dietary supplement, but it's sorta like Vitamin Water. This thing is loaded with vitamins (12 to be exact) plus minerals, calcium, and a whole lot more. On top of that, it's an organic drink and is a local company to Portland.
As far as taste goes, I'm not crazy about it. It doesn't go down really smooth. While I can taste the strawberry and key lime, immediately after there's a strong bitter after taste. After drinking a few sips of it, there's a thick feeling in the back of my throat that makes it hard to swallow. I've had this same thing happen with every flavor I've tasted, so perhaps there's something in it that's making my throat do that.
I know a lot of people in Portland love this drink, but I can't really get into it. While it's a good company and a super healthy drink, it just doesn't taste good to me.
- Website
- http://www.drinkviso.com/
- Country
- United States
- Sweetener
- Organic Cane Sugar
- Categories
- Sports/Dietary Supplement
- Rating
- Reviewed By
- Derek Neuland on 10/19/2010