Water (208 reviews)
Sobe Lifewater Acai Fruit Punch
Dear old friend. I've missed you. You've grown up a lot since I've last seen you. Dare I say you've become a man while we've been apart? I might just say that. You have made new friends, I see. I don't blame you. I wouldn't have expected you to wait around for me after all these years. You've also lost a ton of weight. Good for you on that venture. You weren't fat before, but you had some extra chunk and bad skin.
So what have you been doing with yourself? You joined a gym and started eating better? That's awesome. Oh, you've replaced your regular sugar with Stevia? Good for you. Forward thinking. I wasn't introduced to your friend. Hello, my name is Mike. Oh, Acai? Interesting name. Is that Scandinavian? You don't know? Well, nice to meet you all the same. What else besides the gym, dude? It's been so long. Oh, you taste the same? Normally that would not be a big deal except that you have met your new friend Acai here and are using Erythritol and you kept your priorities in check. Everyone always loved you. Now you're even better!
Well here's my number. Don't let this happen again, Fruit Punch.
- Website
- http://www.sobe.com/
- Country
- United States
- Sweetener
- Erythritol
- Rating
- Reviewed By
- Mike Literman on 4/3/2012
- Comments
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Cascade Ice Orange Mango
These drinks are the beverage worlds equivalent of Tribbles. Don’t act like you don’t know what a Tribble is. I know you’re secretly a nerd and have at least a beginner’s knowledge of Star Trek, so you can just stop pretending that you are clueless as to what I’m talking about. Again, this drink=Tribbles. No matter how many I drink of them whenever I open my fridge/cupboard there are more waiting for me. I think they may actually be asexual organisms that are just reproducing. If they were spectacular drinks I would celebrate this and encourage them to reproduce at high volumes. Truth be told, I’m not a fan of diet drinks, or things that taste like seltzer water. I don’t flat out hate them, but with so many other drinks floating around my world I’m drinking these out of a sense of duty. In reality these aren’t bad at all, but they are completely middle of the road. This one in particular tastes like a slightly dry diet orange soda with just a hint of mango. You really can’t even make out that it’s mango, but there is definitely another fruit flavor there other than orange. To be completely honest I would have probably enjoyed this a bunch more if they had completely forgone a sweetener instead of using sucralose. Oh well, I’m sure that when I go to move more drinks to my fridge tomorrow I’ll find 8 more bottles of this stuff. KKKKKHHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAANNNNNN!!!!!!!!
- Website
- http://www.cascadeicewater.com/
- Country
- United States
- Sweetener
- Sucralose
- Rating
- Reviewed By
- Jason Draper on 3/27/2012
- Comments
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Jones 24c Strawberry Lemonade
It’s hot, I mean unnaturally hot for this time of year, and you’ve been cruising around like a jackass on your longboard all afternoon. Earlier you got a double iced ristretto venti nonfat organic chocolate brownie Frappuccino from the Starbucks on campus but for some reason something with such a stupid name just didn’t refresh you like you wanted it to. You really need something to cool you down, but you blew the last of your money on the sweetest visor you have ever seen at the local “skate shop.” Well at one point in the past it was a skate shop, but now it’s really just a stupid clothing boutique, but they still have a couple killer longboards in the window. You were just about resigned to give up on your day and head home and drink whatever beer you could find stashed in other kids dorm rooms, when you decided to take a shortcut behind the mini mart that sells beer to underage kids. As you were holding your breath to ride passed the dumpster that smells like it contains the corpses of at least eleven different types of mammals, you noticed a case of drinks sitting by the back door. The turd who worked the counter made fun of you last week for buying Zima and Skittles so screw him you’re just going to steal a couple of bottles. You grabbed a handful of the drinks and shoved them in every pocket that your cargo shorts had to offer. Then you reached down to grab one for the road. You really showed the proprietors of that store, stealing drinks they had out by the dumpster. That will show them to laugh at your alcoholic beverage choices. As you turned out of the alley onto the regular road you cracked open the bottle of Jones 24c Strawberry Lemonade. It looked like it was your lucky day, nothing beats the heat that a nice bottle of lemonade. You gulped a huge mouthful and promptly fell flat on your face. It could have been the pebble that stopped the wheel of your longboard, or it could have been the distinct feeling that something was not quite right with the lemonade. Actually you instantly decided that whoever decided to call it lemonade should be fired. Not only did it not contain a single drop of lemon juice, but it also didn’t taste like they even tried to fake it. Now that you think about it, it didn’t even really taste like strawberries either. It just tasted like a generic fruit flavored fake Vitamin Water. Something was also very off with the taste. Originally you thought that it might have been the sweetener, but after realizing that it was made with cane sugar, you decided it was either the vitamins that had been added, or the drink had simply gone bad. All of these thoughts swam through your head as you stared down at your new visor that was now swimming in a mud puddle. Suddenly a moment of pure enlightenment washed over you. Whether it was spoiled or this was just the way it tasted this drink had been where it belonged out by the dumpster. Also, you are a complete douche bag and “longboard is the wrong board” bro.
- Website
- http://www.jonessoda.com
- Country
- Canada
- Sweetener
- Inverted Cane Sugar
- Categories
- Sports/Dietary Supplement, Water
- Rating
- Reviewed By
- Jason Draper on 3/27/2012
- Comments
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Karma Wellness Water Mind Orange Mango
Medicine is no laughing matter. If you are sick, I suppose that you can laugh when you are stricken with illness and you can laugh that you have antibiotics and your disease will soon be no more. Anyhow, this whole medicine cabinet candy store scenario has gone on too long. People raiding their mommy and daddy's medicine cabinets and taking prescription pills is not a good life. You know that is no way to live your life, right? You know that the pills you took that were in an Oxycodone are actually just laxatives right and now you're going to have the toots. Medicine is not a joke and should not be taken unless prescribed to you via a doctor. Cool? Done.
If you feel the need to take vitamins, those you can almost go crazy with. Vitamins will make it so you don't need medicine if you do it well. Want to have fun taking vitamins? Try some of these Karma waters. The other ones are more juice than medicine. This one is more medicine and serious than the other ones, I've got to say. This was thicker, more opaque, tasted exactly like mango and orange would taste if mixed with vitamins for kids, and probably did the trick.
So seriously, stop it with all the pain medication abuse. Just quit your job at the plant. That will improve your life. Get a job doing something you like. If you can't do it, go back to school and go for it. We don't want anything to happen to you. If something happens to you via overdose on your grandma's old pain meds from her back surgery, it's on you, but I can't say I didn't tell you. Drink vitamins. Have a better life.
- Website
- http://www.drinkkarma.com/
- Country
- United States
- Sweetener
- Sugar
- Rating
- Reviewed By
- Mike Literman on 3/26/2012
- Comments
- View and Leave A Comment
Wat-Ahh! Brain
Review part 1: It's just water.
Review part 2: It's more than just water. Here's the thing about water; it's great. It the best drink for you. It's essential for life and energy. It helps clear your skin and wake up energized and all sorts of other things that you probably take for granted. Judging off those points alone, water beats a lot of the drinks that we review. It doesn't really have a taste unless you live in Florida and if that's the case, you probably drink bottled water since your water tastes like someone farted in it. Wat-ahh! steps it up a notch, though. They figured that water existed, let's make something like "water plus" where it has all the benefits and parameters of water, but we'll throw in one bonus element.
This one that I drank was "Brain" and apparently would stimulate the brain with its selective array of electrolytes. I couldn't possibly give this anything bad as it's better than the best drink for you. I don't feel myself getting any smarter but that might be because I spent like three hours playing Saints Row: The Third on "hardcore" and this drink may have just unrecognizingly balanced the dumbening of that. It would also obviously be a regimented thing where you drink a bottle every day for a month to gain the focus you need to actually notice that a change had occurred. I don't see myself doing that because I'm not made of money but if you are ever presented with the option to buy regular water or Wat-ahh! you would be dumb not to pick the latter.
- Website
- http://drinkwataah.com/
- Country
- United States
- Sweetener
- No Sugar Added
- Categories
- Water
- Rating
- Reviewed By
- Mike Literman on 3/25/2012
- Comments
- View and Leave A Comment
Eldorado Vitamin Charged Natural Spring Water Black Raspberry
Did you know that I am fluent in Spanish? I’m actually quite the scholar. Give me anything and I will translate it for you. That? Sure I can translate your drink for you. As a bonus I will also translate the flavor of the drink into words you can understand. El Dorado, well that is just Spanish for “The Dorito.” I don’t know why anyone would want to drink something that tastes like liquefied tortilla chips with powder flavoring on them, but I guess it takes all kinds to make the world go ‘round. I’m actually regretting saying that I would translate the flavor for you. This really sounds revolting. Black raspberry Doritos, that just makes me want to vom. A promise is a promise so here I go. Hmmm this doesn’t taste like Doritos at all. It really just tastes like berry-flavored water. Did you know when I was a kid my grandparents had a farm and they grew three different types of raspberries? Yup, there were golden ones, your classic red ones and a couple of bushes of “black” ones (they were really dark purple/blue). I assumed they were just blackberries until the day I bought a container of black berries at the market. There was a definite difference. This surely tastes like the black raspberries my grandparents grew. It’s a different taste than the raspberries you are probably used to. It almost tastes like regular raspberries mixed with a couple of cranberries (minus the bitterness). I actually really like this and it seems that I have drunk your entire bottle. My apologies. I still don’t understand what this drink has to do with Doritos. Perhaps I should write the company a letter telling them it would be wise to change their name.
- Website
- http://eldoradosprings.com
- Country
- United States
- Sweetener
- Organic Cane Sugar
- Categories
- Sports/Dietary Supplement, Water
- Rating
- Reviewed By
- Jason Draper on 3/19/2012
- Comments
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Eldorado Vitamin Charged Natural Spring Water Peach Mango
There is the possibility of two scenarios going today:
1. People eating so poorly that companies are doing their best job to just cram vitamins and minerals into everything we eat and drink. Electrolytes, antioxidants, vitamins C's and B's in everything all the time. If drink companies weren't putting these essential vitamins and minerals in there, would we be a nation of slothy, fat, malnourished people? More so, I mean.
2. Drink companies have been hired by the US Army to breed superhuman by chocking them full of stuff to make them so strong that bullet are repelled from their giant, naturally bullet-repellent skin.
Whatever happens, we're all inevitably better off, right? This isn't the whole "antibacterial" thing where in the end we're just breeding stronger bacteria. We all benefit. Vitamins is vitamins, right, son? Whatever. If all vitamins and/minerals tasted like this drink, we'd be a lot healthier. This is good. It's not too much at all and as a matter of fact I've easily killed this entire drink with no hesitation. Two and a half servings; yeah if I'm a baby. Good mix between peaches and mango, too. It has that 60% water and 40% flavor. Sure, it's listed as "organic flavor" and if you just don't care, just imagine it as organic peach and mango flavors. Imagination helps me through a lot of our drinks. This didn't need it, but it never hurts.
- Website
- http://eldoradosprings.com
- Country
- United States
- Sweetener
- Organic Cane Sugar
- Categories
- Sports/Dietary Supplement, Water
- Rating
- Reviewed By
- Mike Literman on 3/16/2012
- Comments
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Clearly Canadian Daily Energy Pink Grapefruit
Snotty people eat grapefruits. They sit there with their silver spoons and carve away at the softball sized fruit and add their low calorie sugar and have themselves a little treat. They do this before their polo matches and tennis lessons, and lobster dinners. They do it before their trips to Paris, trips to the Bentley showroom, and trips to the bank where they deposit millions of dollars bi-weekly. Rich people. They live such a difficult job. Well guess what fellow schmos? I've got a secret that the rich people don't know about.
Inside this bottle of Clearly Canadian is pink grapefruit. Sure, there are a lot of chemicals, too, but being poor, we can handle it. We weren't fed organic, free range, farm raised chickens or massaged, sake fed cows. We were fed McDonald's. A lot. We can take chemicals, dirt, pesticides, lead, or whatever you throw at us, as long as it doesn't require us to see a doctor because health care is expensive. This drink, as far as I know and remember from the limited times I have had an actual grapefruit, tastes a lot like grapefruit. The sugar, albeit artificial, actually enhances the flavor to a point where even I, a previous disliker of the fruit, really like this drink. It's light enough that you, like I, can drink an entire bottle, regardless of its statement of 2.5 servings.
General public and not those who drive cars that are worth more than houses hundreds of thousands of dollars more than our houses, this is the drink that levels the playing field. If they find out about this, they don't have anything anymore. They don't have anything except for their 152 foot yachts, columned houses, argyle cashmere golf club covers, gold Rolex President watches, cars with umbrellas in the doors, and a couple other things. We're catching up.
- Country
- Canada
- Sweetener
- Crystalline Fructose
- Categories
- Water
- Rating
- Reviewed By
- Mike Literman on 3/15/2012
- Comments
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Noah's Sparkling Spring Water Berry Pomegranate
Dear The FDA,
Can we get a little stricter on ingredient lists? I mean what constitutes natural flavoring? I could soak muddy rocks in a vat of water, would that fall under the category of natural flavoring? Take this can of Noah’s for instance. It’s a nice little drink. It’s obviously flavored soda water, but the ingredients only like carbonated water and natural flavoring. Since the can also states that it contains 0% juice, I want to know what it is that I’m drinking that is creating that berry pomegranate flavor. I like the flavor, a lot actually. This reminds me a lot of the Dry Sodas. I hate seltzer water, but I really enjoy those, and I enjoy this a good deal as well. The Dry bottles list what is flavoring them though. This is just natural flavoring. Does that mean that they just soaked fruit in the carbonated water and then strained them out? How about a little guidance here? I like this drink it’s lightly flavored sparkling water that makes you feel like an adult, even though it looks like it’s marketed towards kids. If you could get kids hooked on this stuff instead of regular soda, the world would be a better place. I’m just the curious sort. Also, what is this that I’ve been hearing that if a drink has less than 4 calories, companies can now claim them to be zero calories? FDA, you either need to go back to school for some basic arithmetic, or stop being such a liar.
Sincerely,
The Thirsty Dudes
- Website
- http://www.noahswater.com
- Country
- United States
- Sweetener
- No Sugar Added
- Rating
- Reviewed By
- Jason Draper on 3/12/2012
- Comments
- View and Leave A Comment
Pure Cool Triple Chill
Alright men, this is it. This is the one that we have to win with. Thirsty Dudes have not given us a good review of any of the drinks we've made so this one has to count. Let's give it everything we've got. No fruit flavor since they consistently do not like it. I don't know why. I mean, it's not the best but it's not the worst. So let's do what we do best.
Gentlemen, I see that you've all worn your sneakers, white T's, blue jeans, and leather jackets. Max, I see that you've worn a jean jacket, that's cool, too. What I've gathered you all here to do is make the ultimate cool drink. I'm dubbing it "Triple Chill" and we're giving it all we've got. All chill, no funny business. Let's get to work. We're doing a 24 hour work shift. I'm going to get pizza and pop for everyone for lunch and dinner. A cool set of meals for a cool set of dudes.
Alright. Guys, I would like to thank you for a job well done. You have worked very hard and have made a lot of drinks and I am sending a couple bottles to the Thirsty Dudes. We made this for the masses but we had Thirsty Dudes in mind. Let's see what they have to say.
One week later
Guys! They reviewed it. I didn't even read it. I just printed it out so that I could read it. Everyone into the conference room in five minutes. I'll read it. Here's what it says:
Pure Cool has done it again. A strange tasting minty drink that misses the mark just about everywhere. I don't know what they use for mint but every sip tasted like I was drinking the water out of a urinal. You know when you pee on those urinal cakes and it is that strange minty-ness? That's what this tastes like. I did appreciate no fruit as that would have made this drink a complete abomination. I think that if humans ate plastic, and that plastic was mint flavored, that is what this drink is. Start a fire. Sit back in your nice leather chair and put your feet up. Pop a couple of minty plastic chips in your mouth and enjoy the night. That's what this drink makes me want to do. Ahh, to be a plastic ingesting human is to enjoy a bottle of Pure Cool Triple Chill.
I...I don't know what to say...We all worked so hard. Jim...you tested it, right? It was good wasn't it? Maybe there's just something wrong with the Thirsty Dudes. Yeah, that has to be it. Those guys have a messed up palate. These drinks are great and we are not in denial. They don't like them. So what. We're still in business, aren't we? Then let's keep doing what we do best! Back to work! Pizza for everyone!
- Website
- http://www.drinkpurecool.com/
- Country
- United States
- Sweetener
- No Sugar Added
- Categories
- Water
- Rating
- Reviewed By
- Mike Literman on 3/10/2012
- Comments
- View and Leave A Comment
