Coffee (40 reviews)
Mr. Brown Iced Coffee
Mr. Brown, so nice to meet you. I'm sorry, but I've got to get this out of the way because I'll be thinking of it this entire meeting. You look remarkably like a mix between Dom Delouise and Wimpy from Popeye. I hope that doesn't offend you, but I have to speak my mind. That’s why you brought me in here, right? Honestly? Right? No? Oh, you made a new coffee drink. Well fantastic. I always thought you should expand the line. What have you got for me? Iced coffee? I like it. Let's have a drink here.
What a delightfully small and nearly indestructible can you've got here. Man, you're not cutting corners on this thing. It's un-crushable. I like that you're ruling out the "I'm going to get drunk and smash this can on my forehead." demographic. This would knock a brother out, Mr. Brown! Let's get down to taste, though. That's what's going to push product, not this nuke-proof bottle. You know what? This is coffee. It's cold coffee with a little bit of sugar. It's very coffee tasting and isn't for haters of coffee but please, those people aren't for us anyhow. This is a nice morning drink when you don't feel like burning your mouth or tasting your receptionist's garbage, burnt coffee. Did you ever think of that? We're a coffee company and Sally makes the world’s worst coffee. She just lets it sit in the pot for hours, doesn't make more, and it just gets old or burnt or both. That's not what we want in these cans and that's not what we want in this office. She's fine. Please don't tell her I said that. She's a dear. She's a dear who just needs to pay more attention to her coffee.
Mr. Brown. You have made another wonderful product. People will think of your name when they think of coffee. You will be synonymous. Coffee? Oh, Mr. Brown. Congratulations, sir. You've done it again.
- Website
- http://www.mrbrown.com.tw
- Country
- Taiwan
- Sweetener
- Sugar
- Categories
- Coffee
- Rating
- Reviewed By
- Mike Literman 5 days, 10 hours ago
- Buy Now
- Mr. Brown Iced Coffee
Archer Farms Coffee Energy Drink Mocha
Rain? Again? Drats. I've got so much gardening to do. What do you think, pup? What do we do? Sit inside and play video games? Pup, I'm not twelve anymore. I've got responsibilities and that rhubarb isn't going to make a pie out of itself. First thing's first, you've got to get a fresh bowl of water and some food. I've got to tell you, your food smells terrible. I suppose that your breath is the product of your food. Problem solved. I've got to wake up a little bit. Hey, do you know if your mom drank that...oh no. Here it is. Good. Archer Farms, pup, I don't know. I'm fifty-fifty on this stuff. It's half good and half real bad. I don't know what to expect but it says "coffee energy" so I'm going to take it at face value.
Hmm. That's not bad. It is way more mocha than coffee. Not much coffee at all. It's smooth, though, and that's nice. I hope this give me the pep to just bear the elements and take care of the garden. I'm telling you, pup. You take one day off and your garden looks like a pile of garbage. This drink is all right. It's not bad. It might be too sweet since it's closer to chocolate milk than coffee. I don't typically drink chocolate milk at eight in the morning so this is the start to a very strange day.
You know what, pup. You and I are going to see if this rain is going to subside. I don't want to have to towel you off because, let's face it, you're going to get muddy because you're short and you always get muddy. You also hate your little beans to be cleaned for some reason so let's sit in here for a bit, not brush our teeth, and catch up where we left off in Sonic 3. I'm stuck at that part where you've got super sonic and then you have to ride that dumb cart across the water, Knuckles punches you, and by the time you get to Dr. Robotnik, you have no rings. I hate it. Every time, pup, every time.
- Country
- United States
- Sweetener
- Sugar
- Categories
- Coffee
- Rating
- Reviewed By
- Mike Literman on 1/12/2012
Archer Farms Coffee Energy Drink Vanilla
Well this isn't good. I do enjoy a nice coffee drink, not to be confused with actual coffee, which I can't stand. Strange right? Welp, what are you going to do? This is very vanilla and, as reported by two separate colleagues, metallic tasting, which is not a strong selling feature unless you are advertising to sell to a tired goat. As for the energy, I don't get any "energy drink" taste. Mostly it just tastes like the vanilla and milk. I also did not get much coffee, which I was hoping for.
I will say that if we were playing darts, you know, Target CEO Gregg W. Steinhafel and I, I would think they were hitting a ton of low, non-counting numbers like three, or eight, because this drink missed the mark. It's missing what I wanted and expected. Now, Gregg might be a fantastic dartsman, but in the game where I asked him to play like this drink was playing, I beat him and looked great doing it. I didn't rub his face in it and I bought him a root beer for being a good sport.
- Country
- United States
- Sweetener
- Sugar
- Categories
- Coffee, Energy Drink
- Rating
- Reviewed By
- Mike Literman on 1/5/2012
Marley's One Drop Coffee
I don't know Bob Marley. I mean, come on, I'm a 29 year old, Jewish, white kid from Buffalo. The only thing I know about Bob Marley is that he's probably rolling in his grave because of the fact that every time you think of him, you think of weed, or how you have a tapestry at home with his face on it, or just tie die. It’s unfortunate. I am not going to pretend to know anything about him because pretending to do so will do his life a great injustice. I'm not against him or whatever he believed in and I would like to watch a documentary because I feel that at one point, he was so influential to a people, that he's still as great as he was today. Also, I don't read so a video is the only way that I'm going to take it in. Even Wikipedia is going to be too much to read. That man grew those dreads so we could all see them.
I don't know who's putting out all these Marley drinks, because we all know it's not Bob. He's not signing his name on the dotted line saying, "Yeah, mon. I would love to put me name on dis tea das gonna put ya ta sleep." Someone is forging his name and he keeps pushing out products and the dead Bob Marley is just pulled into it. So "Bob" wants me to drink this coffee drink that he makes and I'll do it.
It's good. It's smooth and doesn't have as strong a coffee taste as many other coffee drinks like a Starbucks. It's not too sweet, and it gives me this coffee stuck to my tongue type deal so that makes it seem genuine and like the coffee you know and love.
Bob, may you rest in peace. If you were here when I was drinking this, you'd better believe that I'd share it. 80/20, advantage you. You win, brother.
- Website
- http://www.marleybeverages.com/
- Country
- United States
- Sweetener
- Pure Cane Sugar
- Categories
- Coffee
- Rating
- Reviewed By
- Mike Literman on 12/14/2011
- Buy Now
- Name Your Link
Monster Java Originale
For some people, coffee is not enough. For some people, energy drinks are not enough. For the rest, you've got to combine caffeine with caffeine and hope for the best. I am no nutritionist, but I am a scientist and I would say that this could not be worse for you than anything else you could drink.
Ignoring all nutritional value, which in this case, if it weren't for the FDA demanding that legitimate numbers be printed on the back of all food, should just say "Bad." Oh sure, there is a ton of vitamin B in there, but who cares? I think my mom takes a B12 for memory. Her memory is fine, but she takes it. I think it's a girl thing, like how all girls have anemia, but probably don't, they just all think that they should because their mom's told them to take it.
One thing your mom or dad is not going to turn you on to is this. It's not bad, but if your parents care about you, they won't let you have this. Yeah, yeah, yeah, you're an adult and you can make your own decisions. You're such a rebel. Look, you're not sixteen anymore. Make up with your parents and see what they've been up to. No one cares that you don't get along with your daddy and it's unfortunate. Bury the hatchet about that thing that happened at Thanksgiving twelve years ago and get a steak with your friggin' dad.
It doesn't taste like an energy drink, but it also doesn't taste like coffee. It kind of tastes like a liquidy coffee iced cream. Perhaps with some diet action to it. Your mom wouldn't like it. Your daddy wouldn't like it. Your boss might like it, but your boss is always a bit juiced up.
- Website
- http://www.monsterenergy.com
- Country
- United States
- Sweetener
- Sucrose
- Categories
- Coffee, Energy Drink
- Rating
- Reviewed By
- Mike Literman on 12/5/2011
- Buy Now
- Name Your Link
Starbucks Doubleshot Mocha
One of my two bosses drinks at least one of these a day. It didn't occur to me that we hadn't reviewed one yet so I borrowed some which if he asks for it back; it will be in a disgustingly different form.
Starbucks has some good "on the shelf" stuff. This is good. You know why it's good? Because it doesn't taste anything like an energy drink. Strange how that works, eh? I love this drink because of it's false advertising. I would expect this to taste like coffee spilled into some brat kids plastic pumpkin head of nothing but plain chocolate and Pixie Stix. Scene:
"Trick or Treat!" says the little girl. "It's November, kid. Get out of here," your grandpa says. "I know, but I want candy and my mom said that I can't have any and I know that when I go to other people's houses and ask with a ghost costume on, they give me candy. See? Look. I've got some chocolate and someone had Pixie Stix left over. They said they were to old for Pixie Stix and gave me a handful of them." "Oh yeah?" said grandpappy. "Well here's what I think of your out of the box thinking." he said as he pours an entire carafe of old coffee into the boys plastic jack-o-lantern, but before the boys leaves, the old man dips his cup into the pail now filled with floating candy bars, Pixie Stix wrappers, old coffee, and the little boys tears, and takes it to his lips. He enjoys it, because he's a terrible old man.
End scene.
Thing is, it doesn't taste like that. It's a smooth coffee drink. If I didn't know better, I would just say that it's a mocha Frappuccino. You even get a periodic taste of real coffee, which is a nice touch, I must say. Who knows how much actual caffeine is in there, between the coffee and whatever other energy supplements they have in there.
I hope that story that was completely fabricated never comes true. I would hate to see a sad ghost kid walking down the street with damp, coffee stained candy.
- Website
- http://www.starbucks.com
- Country
- United States
- Sweetener
- Sugar
- Categories
- Coffee, Energy Drink
- Rating
- Reviewed By
- Mike Literman on 11/18/2011
Seattle's Best Coffee Iced Mocha
If all coffee drinks tastes like this, I would be thrilled. I had a busy day. I did my girlfriend's brakes, took the dogs for a long walk in the park, went grocery shopping, and when I got home, I knew what I had to do.
Now, when you get home from a day like that, everything's got to be right. In order to set the mood, I put on Pet Shop Boys Yes, which finally arrived from the UK. It's good. Not over the top at all. I am a huge Pet Shop Boys fan so I was excited when I liked everything I heard from a newer album. I mean, come on, they can't all be Please, am I right? That album is in my top five pop albums of all time list.
So with Neil Tennant and Chris Lowe doing what they do best, serenading me, I decided it was time to get my coffee drink on. I have liked iced mocha drinks in the past, and this was no different. It has a lot more chocolate than previous mocha drinks had, and that's a good thing. I liked it a lot, to the point where I would buy this again. You should buy this more than once because you don't have a cache of three shelves of drinks to go through, so for me to say I would buy it again has weight.
Neil and Chris, don't ever break up. I don't see any album nowadays pushing you out of that top five spot. I also don't see anyone pushing Tracey Thorn and Ben Watt's Temperamental out of there, either. Serious gems people.
- Country
- United States
- Sweetener
- Sugar
- Categories
- Coffee
- Rating
- Reviewed By
- Mike Literman on 11/12/2011
Monster Hammer X-Presso
A lot going on. But there always is, isn't there -- a lot going on?
A classic line from the classic...er movie "Made" with Vince Vaughn and Jon Favreau. That line defines this drink to a T. Tee? Tea? Who cares, am I right?
In one corner of the royal rumble, you've got the Monster name. With that, you expect that "trillion Smarties" taste. You don't get it in this drink, but you expect it.
In another corner, you've got a coffee taste. It's not too bad. It's definitely more than a basic, poor person coffee taste. It's compressed, like Monster has hired ex-baristas and are just having them compress coffee in an underground shack for this drink.
In the third corner of the world's strangest wrastlin' ring, the sweetness. It's regular first, and then it gets a little diet-y. There is sucralose in there, but it is tolerable. It's pretty masked by a lot of the other flavors that are going on, hitting each other in the heads with folding chairs from your aunt's dumb basement party. Why does she have parties and gatherings in the basement when she has a perfectly clean and functioning upstairs?
In the fourth and final corner, there is milk. Milk is kind of like the ref in this game. While the drama is going on with the other wrestlers, the ref literally smoothes everything out. He's a nice guy. He smoothes everything out in the ring and before that, he refs his kid's T-Ball game.
I didn't hate this as much as I thought that I would. That says a lot.
- Website
- http://www.monsterenergy.com
- Country
- United States
- Sweetener
- Sugar
- Categories
- Coffee, Energy Drink
- Rating
- Reviewed By
- Mike Literman on 11/11/2011
Starbucks Frappuccino Mint Mocha
Starbucks. There's one not too far from my house and I try as hard as I can to not go in there. Only reason I do is when my girlfriend needs to get a coffee and she yells at me when I want to stay outside. I never want to go in anywhere. My epitaph might say, "Do you want to run in while I stay in the car?" I was in Starbucks last week and she forced me to get a hot cocoa. It was great, but I didn't want it. I don't drink coffee so for the sake of me (and the sake of an establishment that doesn't want people it can't sell to) I don't go there. No offense.
Something happened inside of coffee shops and I don't think that it's a wanted or desired thing. Fifty percent of the seats have been taken over by people on laptops. I don't believe they were just checking email, either. I feel they were doing some sort of work that takes an adequate amount of time. Every food place I've ever worked has basically tried to get you in and out as quickly as they can because quick turnover means more money. You on your laptop write a thesis on how the Cosby show portrayed Black America in a good light at a coffee shoppe means that while you're there taking up space, no one else can come in, sit down, drink a cup of coffee, and scoot. You who are reading a book about how the harvesting of the ivory tusks of elephants to make chopsticks is a thriving but illegal business is not allowing a tired mother who has schlepped her crying kid around all day and just wants to sit down and enjoy a chai latte a place to sit, as she is entitled to do.
I hold a grudge towards those people who do this sort of action and it is not something that happened a little. I have completely written off coffee shops that sell decent food because jerk college kids think that a coffee shop is actually the common room in the dorm where they can stretch out and work on English 101 homework with their study group.
I believe for this reason, Starbucks has created this drink. For the inconsiderate person on the go. It's got that coffee name you can trust, plus coffee, plus some cocoa, plus mint, in case you decided that you would rather drink a drink that is horrible for you, albeit delicious, instead of brushing your teeth. Now, I know that last part isn't true, but if Starbucks brick and mortar stores have just given up and are alright with housing people on computers all day, then they needed to create an outside revenue resource. The Frappuccino was born. Now, the baristas can make seventeen drinks in one eight hour shift for eight people while no one can get in and out because the middle of the establishment is so full of power cables running to and from people's computers, that it looks like a rubber and plastic spider has been created as some sort of garbage "art as an installation" piece in the center of all and every Starbucks.
Starbucks. You don't need me to come in. Do not be sore at me for I do not hate your establishment. Your mint mocha Frappuccino is delicious and I've got three more to keep my mouth pleased. You do need to start charging for Wi-Fi and/or electricity to start getting some people out of your shops.
- Website
- http://www.starbucks.com
- Country
- United States
- Sweetener
- Sugar
- Categories
- Coffee
- Rating
- Reviewed By
- Mike Literman on 11/6/2011
Wolfgang Puck Double Blend Mocha
So wait, you're telling me that Wolfgang Puck doesn't look like Mr. Food dressed up as a werewolf? You sir, have just blown my mind grapes. I have known the name for years, but have never seen a picture of the man, the chef, the legend. In my mind that is exactly what we looked like. For no other reason than I never really gave it much thought, and that's the first image to pop into my head. What I do know for sure is that he is a world-renowned chef and has some cookbooks and restaurants. Today I learned that he's tried his hand at coffee drinks.
I've never tried his cooking, or any of his other products, but if this is any indication it's going to be damn good. The blend of espresso and chocolate is nearly perfect. It's just a tad heavy on the coffee side, which is really how it should be. The chocolate used seems to be of a much higher quality than most mocha drinks as well. It says that it's Viennese chocolate, which I would now really like to try in bar form. I bet this would be completely incredible hot as well. Go Puck!
- Website
- http://www.wolfgangpuck.com/
- Country
- United States
- Sweetener
- Organic Evaporated Cane Sugar
- Categories
- Coffee
- Rating
- Reviewed By
- Jason Draper on 10/25/2011