Coffee (244 reviews)

Margaritaville Iced Latte Calypso Coconut Fudge

Margaritaville  Iced Latte Calypso Coconut Fudge

I thought this wasn't bad. Well, let's be honest for a second here. I bought it because I thought that it would be a funny review because it's Margaritaville and the Thirsty Dudes don't drink. That being said, I did go to a Margaritaville in Las Vegas and it wasn't too shabby. It wasn't the best jerk chicken I've ever had but you know what? It's fine. It was good and I was hungry and I would actually say as much as I might go back. Go ahead. Call the cops. I'll wait. call the cops.

This, though, this was not as good as my previously mentioned jerk chicken. This started out good and I was surprised. Then something happened. The true colors of the garbage ingredients had a chance to shine through and rear their ugly heads. The coconut was strong and the "fudge" was very strong and tasted very fake and super chocolatey. After a while, it almost had a numbing sensation and I'm glad that I only had to endure half the medium sized can because drinking the whole can would have truly displayed an element of self-hate. If this was served in shot glasses, or the same sized container that Five Hour Energy drinks come in, we would be fine. It's not. Fifteen ounces...fifteen ounces is a bit more that I can imagine drinking. I have half a can of it in the fridge and I feel that there will be some toilet alligators might find themselves energized and caffeinated soon. Watch your butts.

Website
http://https://www.margaritavillefoods.com
Country
United States
Sweetener
???
Categories
Coffee
Rating
2/5
Reviewed By
Mike Literman on July 1st, 2019
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Dunkin' Donuts Cold Brew Chocolate Cherry

Dunkin' Donuts Cold Brew Chocolate Cherry

Thanks again, The Impulse Buy for making me wake up early to go to Dunkin' Donuts and get this. Both a sarcastic thanks and a non-sarcastic thanks. I saw the post and determined that I had to go. Sometimes even I fall for this stuff.

I go, I buy, I sit in my car with my "lightly buttered" bagel dripping in butter and I take a sip. A very important note to be made is that this is sweetened by its syrup so if you would like to eat solid foods into your golden years, do not think that it's going to come unsweetened and that you should get sugar when they ask. They didn't tell me, I rolled the dice, I won this round. I rarely win. I won.

It was good. It was very sweet but the more you drank, the better it got. You're not supposed to drink coffee so fast but when it's chocolate cherry cold brew, is it ever coffee anymore? I'm no purist but the percentage of coffee remaining is so low in the mix that it's more of a "coffee flavored drink" than a full fledged coffee. Do I care? Nope-ahh. I don't give a rip. It's good. I'd drink it again right now if I woke up a little bit earlier and could go "the long way" and pick one up. I'll most certainly get one this weekend. I might also advise that you get "light" syrup, though. As I said, it was missing a lot of the coffee taste I expect from, you know, coffee. I think they do it in "pumps" there so if you order a medium, as I do, they give you three pumps of flavoring. Half the time when I ask for "light syrup" they just smile with a glint of terror in their eyes as they pump more than the recommended dose. Other times it's fine. Rolling the dice every day of my life.

Website
http://www.dunkindonuts.com
Country
United States
Sweetener
Not Listed
Categories
Coffee
Rating
3/5
Reviewed By
Mike Literman on April 4th, 2019
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RISE Nitro Blood Orange Coffee

RISE Nitro Blood Orange Coffee

I'll have the 2-2-2, please? Egg? Ugg, scrambled. Sausage. Pancakes please. Oh, chocolate chip pancakes. Oh, to drink? Umm. You know what? I'll have a coffee and an orange juice. Thank you.

Wow. That was fast. Oh, it's made before hand and microwaved and brought to me? You can hardly taste the difference. If I wasn't such a scumbag, I might complain but it's garbage food to begin with so I'm fine with it. Why...why are you making that face? Oh yeah, I like to pour orange juice into my coffee. It cools it down and gives it a citrus taste. Is it good? Well it's not...poison. I don't know why I do it. I've been doing it seemingly forever. Wait wuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuut? You have a drink that tastes like orange juice and coffee mixed together? You can save me the painstakingly large amount of drinking half my orange juice straight like a savage and then pouring scalding hot coffee into my orange juice cup? How it is? It tastes exactly the same? Does it have the same, strange orange citrus taste mixed with the strange bitterness of coffee? You don't say. Well Darlene, I will take one to go and I will tip you handsomely. No, I'm not calling you handsome. Well I did notice that you have a moustache and while it looks good on you I wasn't going to say anything about it. Well I didn't know if you were going for something and I thought it to be none of my business. Darlene, take this $5. It's yours. Cash. Take it. I'll take this can of Rise Nitro Blood Orange Coffee and drink it in the car on the way to clown college. Yes Darlene, you heard me correctly. I'm a grown man going to clown college. My life isn't going exactly as planned.

Website
http://risebrewingco.com/
Country
United States
Sweetener
Cane Sugar
Categories
Coffee, Juice
Rating
2/5
Reviewed By
Mike Literman on March 13th, 2019
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Archer Farms Cold Brew Mocha

Archer Farms Cold Brew Mocha

Oh cold brew. What did you do to me? Now I drink coffee? Thirty years I didn't touch the stuff and then all of a sudden "maybe coffee ain't that bad." You jerk. While I only drink one cup a day in the morning, it's still there and wasn't before. It makes me more "adult" than I care to be. Regardless, I now buy and drink coffee like some suit bastard.

How is this? It's a bit syrupy. If I could take the words out of the colleague that I let/made try it, he said that it tasted like the mocha was some sort of syrup that had taken over. It tasted like mocha coffee but the chocolate was very lingering and overpowering. I didn't hate it but it could have been backed off a bit. First sip was great but after a while, you kind of realized that something was happening.

I don't think this was terribly expensive and it's only 70 calories so would I buy it again? Eh, maybe. There's enough "mocha cold brew" out there that you don't have to be married to just one. It's a wonderful, polyamorous world for cold brew. It's like the Utah of the coffee world. Does that make sense? It's the singles cruise for coffee? What I'm getting as is that if you can sleep around, do it. Don't get married too soon. Plenty of cool boobs and butts out there to discover. This is no longer a review of coffee and has taken a PG turn. Shield your eyes, children. Mike's talking about sweater meat again.

Website
http://sites.target.com/site/en/supertarget/page.jsp?title=brands&brand=archerFarms
Country
United States
Sweetener
Cane Sugar
Categories
Coffee
Rating
3/5
Reviewed By
Mike Literman on December 4th, 2018
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Maxwell House Iced Coffee Max 2X Boost

Maxwell House Iced Coffee Max 2X Boost

It’s been awhile since I have had a coffee beverage that was not a mocha. So long in fact that when I took a sip of this I just thought that the extreme sweetness of it was actual chocolate, but nope, it’s just sugar, coffee and milk. I will describe it with Hold Steady lyrics, “Well, you in the corner with the good looking drifter, two cups of coffee and ten packs of sugar.” That’s a ridiculous amount of sweetness in here, but you know what I liked it. It made it seem more of a dessert than just a vehicle for caffeine, which is what I had intended it for. I don’t know what was done to this to give it double the amount of caffeine that their regular beverage has. Did they brew the coffee, and then rebrew it through the same grounds a la The Descendents’ Bonus Cup?

I think I may be out of musical references to coffee, so I guess I’m done here. Oh wait, it does not taste like black coffee. There’s a Black Flag reference for you.

Website
http://www.maxwellhouse.com
Country
United States
Categories
Coffee
Rating
3/5
Reviewed By
Jason Draper on November 16th, 2018
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Cafe Bustelo Cafe Con Chocolate

Cafe Bustelo Cafe Con Chocolate

I've been reviewing a lot of coffee drinks lately. I haven't been reviewing much, truth be told, but I've been reviewing a lot of coffee drinks. I don't know why. Probably because I feel like all I do is work, come home, watch my dumb kids and then after they are in bed, just watch YouTube and go to sleep. It's been a repetitive couple weeks and trust me, I'm as bored of it as you are reading about it.

So how is this, you ask? Well, it's fine. It's got a decent but not great coffee taste. I'm no connoisseur but the coffee might be a bit dark or perhaps a little burnt for my liking. The chocolate is fine but it's strong. It might also be a little too sweet. I don't know if anyone who likes coffee would actually like this. I'm right in the middle so I'm fine with it but it's either "too this" or "too that" for anyone who has a solid opinion one way or the other.

I've got to get out of this rut...this coffee isn't helping. I think the next step is going to be a Buick, starched collar and a start to that suicide note I never thought I'd write.

Website
http://cafebustelo.com/
Country
United States
Sweetener
Sugar
Categories
Coffee
Rating
3/5
Reviewed By
Mike Literman on July 27th, 2018
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Peet's Coffee Cold Brew Dark Chocolate

Peet's Coffee Cold Brew Dark Chocolate

My parent's, specifically my mom, never goes anywhere. Heck, she probably goes weeks at a time without leaving the county. So when we were in Phoenix for my brother's wedding a while back, she tried like crazy to get Peet's Coffee. You can't get it here. I assume it's like Western New York's local favorite franchise Tim Horton's. My uncle or someone said that it was great so she tried to find it while she was wildly out of her comfort zone. I bet I could count on one hand the amount of times my mom has been on an airplane.

I found this bottle of Peet's at a Target. Right around the corner from home and nowhere near Arizona or wherever Peet's is local to. I saw "dark chocolate" and "cold brew," audibly said, "Yup!" and headed for the checkout. I tried it today and it is awesome. It's also hardly coffee. It's just chocolate milk for adults. It's more coffee flavored chocolate milk than vice versa. It did have a great coffee taste and the dark chocolate was very good, too but let's call a spade a spade here, dude. This is not exactly a refined person's coffee. It's at least 50% chocolate milk. It's very good. It's very but not too sweet. I would absolutely get it again but certainly not when I needed some pep in my step. Just for when I want coffee and chocolate simultaneously.

My mom couldn't even drink this. I gave her Dunkin' Donuts' new brown sugar cold brew and she made quite the face at me. This would do something unimaginable to her. I think she likes her coffee like she likes her men.

Website
http://www.peets.com
Country
United States
Sweetener
Cane Sugar
Categories
Coffee
Rating
4/5
Reviewed By
Mike Literman on July 11th, 2018
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Monster Caffe Mocha

Monster Caffe Mocha

When I saw this, my first thought was, “Is this just a repackaging of the Monster Java line?” After drinking it and doing a little bit of research I’m still not sure. Perhaps if I drank them back to back I could give you a more definitive answer, but as of now I can only say…maybe? This is chocolatey and very creamy. There is actual more milk in here that I would want. While I can get behind a latte, recently I prefer my coffee based beverages without cream. The chocolate in here is really nice though. It tastes like chocolate and not just chocolate flavor. Overall this tastes more like a frothy chocolate milk with a splash of coffee in it, rather than the other way around. All of the energy drink aspects of this are not present in the flavor at all. There is no chemical or liquid candy flavor at all.

I’m going to assume this is different than the Java line, because I still saw those in the cooler, and why would the store stock both? Perhaps the difference is this uses Arabica coffee. Who knows? It’s tasty and that’s all that matters to me.

Website
http://www.monsterenergy.com
Country
United States
Sweetener
Sugar
Categories
Coffee, Energy Drink
Rating
3/5
Reviewed By
Jason Draper on June 2nd, 2018
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Stumptown Cold Brew Chocolate w/ Cream & Sugar

Stumptown Cold Brew Chocolate w/ Cream & Sugar

Can I just say, "Wow. 5 bottles." and call it a day? Let me check with management for a minute here...

{ Walks up 45 flights of stairs due to a broken elevator. Waits in a waiting room for four hours. Gets told that the boss has left and to come back tomorrow. Walks down 46 flights of stairs. Goes home. Fights with wife and kids. Goes to sleep on the couch. Wakes up with a bad back and cold because the dog pulled the blanket off in the middle of the night. Notices a ticket on the car. Gets in a traffic jam on the way to work. Gets to work fifteen minutes late and misses breakfast pizza because "fat Joan" decided to eat eleven pieces because "she just can't help herself." Walks up 45 flights of stairs. Waits three hours. Door opens. }

The boss said that I can say "Wow. 5 bottles." if I also add that it's really rich and creamy and has a wonderful chocolate milk quality to it.

Website
http://www.stumptowncoffee.com/
Country
United States
Sweetener
Natural Cane Sugar
Categories
Coffee
Rating
5/5
Reviewed By
Mike Literman on May 3rd, 2018
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Chin Chin Coffee Blue Mountain Style

Chin Chin Coffee Blue Mountain Style

This is the last baby can of coffee I've got to review. It half makes me sad but between you and I, I've got extra duplicates at home that I can enjoy whenever I want.

I don't know why I like this stuff so much. It's the same review as it always is; it's sweet but not too sweet. It's smooth because of the milk (powder). This did taste a little different but I wouldn't be able to explicitly say, "Oh, that's a Blue Mountain right there." It's got a great coffee taste and is not bitter at all. It's good, though. I don't know why we filthy American's don't embrace stuff like this. This is sweetened, canned coffee. We love coffee here. Embrace it, turds. You'll love it. Why do I call you turds? Because this is my website, not yours. This is my soapbox. You don't talk to the man on the soapbox because he's got something important to say. I mean, he brought that box to make a statement and he's going to do it.

Go to your local Asian market and get this. It's not hard to find. Buffalo is hardly a metropolis. If you are in an equal sized city, you've got a bunch of markets. Just walk in, grab a couple cans, pay for them, and sit in your car and cry because your wife left you for a younger man. Also, drink this.

Website
http://enogee.com/Drink.php?ord=Bst&Drink=21&Title=ChinChin_-_Vitality_Boost_energy_drink_review
Country
Taiwan
Sweetener
Sugar
Categories
Coffee
Rating
4/5
Reviewed By
Mike Literman on March 27th, 2018
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