Pure Cool - 5 Reviews

Alright men, this is it. This is the one that we have to win with. Thirsty Dudes have not given us a good review of any of the drinks we've made so this one has to count. Let's give it everything we've got. No fruit flavor since they consistently do not like it. I don't know why. I mean, it's not the best but it's not the worst. So let's do what we do best.

Gentlemen, I see that you've all worn your sneakers, white T's, blue jeans, and leather jackets. Max, I see that you've worn a jean jacket, that's cool, too. What I've gathered you all here to do is make the ultimate cool drink. I'm dubbing it "Triple Chill" and we're giving it all we've got. All chill, no funny business. Let's get to work. We're doing a 24 hour work shift. I'm going to get pizza and pop for everyone for lunch and dinner. A cool set of meals for a cool set of dudes.

Alright. Guys, I would like to thank you for a job well done. You have worked very hard and have made a lot of drinks and I am sending a couple bottles to the Thirsty Dudes. We made this for the masses but we had Thirsty Dudes in mind. Let's see what they have to say.

One week later
Guys! They reviewed it. I didn't even read it. I just printed it out so that I could read it. Everyone into the conference room in five minutes. I'll read it. Here's what it says:

Pure Cool has done it again. A strange tasting minty drink that misses the mark just about everywhere. I don't know what they use for mint but every sip tasted like I was drinking the water out of a urinal. You know when you pee on those urinal cakes and it is that strange minty-ness? That's what this tastes like. I did appreciate no fruit as that would have made this drink a complete abomination. I think that if humans ate plastic, and that plastic was mint flavored, that is what this drink is. Start a fire. Sit back in your nice leather chair and put your feet up. Pop a couple of minty plastic chips in your mouth and enjoy the night. That's what this drink makes me want to do. Ahh, to be a plastic ingesting human is to enjoy a bottle of Pure Cool Triple Chill.

I...I don't know what to say...We all worked so hard. Jim...you tested it, right? It was good wasn't it? Maybe there's just something wrong with the Thirsty Dudes. Yeah, that has to be it. Those guys have a messed up palate. These drinks are great and we are not in denial. They don't like them. So what. We're still in business, aren't we? Then let's keep doing what we do best! Back to work! Pizza for everyone!

This should be something I love. Over the past year or so I've fallen in love with low sugar "dry" sodas. They provide the bubbles and the flavors that I need without being anything more than liquefied sweetener. The thing is I think that a very small amount of sugar may be needed when drinks are carbonated. I still don't understand it after 32 years on this planet; if you drink a glass of water it's cool refreshing and tasty (in a tasteless kind of way), but if you take that same water and carbonate it the flavor changes. It acquires this taste that is borderline bitter. Is it the CO2 that I taste? I can only assume it is, and it can ruin drinks for me. If that added taste wasn't there this drink would be perfect. It has a light pear taste and there is a nice mellow ginger aftertaste. This is the kind of drink that you could enjoy after a nice meal. It's just too bad that I can't get over the "seltzer water" taste it has. Seriously, if this were uncarbonated I would probably be raving about it. Dear taste buds, please start liking the taste of unsweetened carbonated water. There is a world of drinks out there that are way better for us that we are just not enjoying because of it.

What can I get you sir? A Dr. Pepper? Wise choice. Let me just go over here to the fountain, press this medium, responsible sized cup to the lever and...hmm. That's odd. Let's do it again because anyone who has worked a fountain drink machine knows that the drinks are lighter coming out of the spout than they are in the cups that we drink them out of. Round two, here we go. Nope, clear. Sir? Pardon me, sir? How are you feeling today? Daring? You are?! Sir, I like you. Let's do something here. What have I got? I've got this soda water. Check. I've got limes. Limes are good, right? You're not allergic to limes, are you, sir? Good. The only other thing I have is this spearmint gum. I'll put it in this separate plastic cup of water, mush it up, and pour it into your drink. Deal? Wicked. Let's do this right now.

What do you think? It's cold, right? You can't taste the lime? Eh, can't win 'em all. You can taste the mint, though? Yes. Good. It's a bit bitter because it's just soda water and there is no sugar or anything because, as we discussed, there is almost nothing behind this counter. On a scale from one to five, what would you give it? A three. You've got it sir. Also, because you're so adventurous, that drink is on the house.

Greg makes a good point. He said, "How can you make a product like this. Doesn't anyone taste it before it leaves the company?" I made everyone, and I mean everyone, drink this because it was so bad. How bad? I would describe this as a berry scented urinal cake. Ladies, don't know what a urinal cake smell like? Go to your local bar, and don't bother going into the bathroom because it already smells like a urinal cake. If it doesn't, go into the men's room and take a big whiff. That's pee and urinal cakes [slash] what this drink tastes like. It was co-described as a watered down cough syrup. I concur. It was co-described as medicinal. I concur. I was going to make up this great tale about how I'm "pure cool" but it's not worth it.

Honestly, you have to taste it to believe it, but this is sheer garbage. It is "cool" but I think that it's the cherry in there that's medicinifying, a technical term, this drink. I had ten people try it and there is half a bottle left. No one except me went in for seconds. No double takes. No, "wait, is it really that bad?" Well friends, I will tell you, it was that bad and it still is that bad, in a half full bottle, in the garbage.

Garbage. If you see it, it will inevitably be on sale. Buy it and make one of your dumb friends taste it. You'll laugh when you hear what he has to say about it. It will probably be something along the lines of what I described above.

Flavored water? No thanks. It usually tastes gross to me unless it's really sugary like vitamin water. You're telling me this has no calories, no sugar, no sweeteners, just water and natural flavors? That sounds like it's going to be really bland and boring. But this "Pure Cool" name is kind of intriguing. Okay, I'll give it a try.

Hmmm, it has a slight berry taste but it's more of an afterthought. Wait, what is this? It suddenly feels like a blizzard in my mouth. It's not like a peppermint cool, it's a smooth cool, and feels like you're breathing in really cold air. It's weird, but a really awesome sensation. I stopped caring that this doesn't taste like berry or pomegranate at all, this after taste is amazing! I hope I can find more flavors to try them all.