Tropicana - 7 Reviews

Driving down some old country road Martin passed a fruit stand. He decided he would treat himself to a nice healthy snack, so he turned around and stopped. Being from the big city he couldn't believe how cheap the produce was at this stand. Knowing that he would kick himself for passing up such a great deal, he bought the entire stock and told the peddler to go enjoy the rest of the day as they loaded it into the back of his BMW. As he drove off into the summer haze Martin chucked an apple core out of the window and cranked up the Huey Lewis on the stereo.

It's now a week later in Martin's high-rise luxury apartment and the air is starting to thicken with fruit flies. Martin had never bought large quantities of produce before. He would normally stop by the local Whole Foods and buy what he needed for the meal he was making that night. Now that he had a couple of crates improperly stored around the apartment, he didn't know what to do with it. It hadn't all fit into his fridge with all his bottled water and micro brewed beer, so he had left it on the counters. That's how people seemed to store their fruit in movies. Apparently the silver screen had lied to him. He called his sister in Tampa to see if she had any ideas and she recommended he try the juicer she had bought him last Christmas, which was undoubtedly sitting unopened in the back of his closet. It was. Not knowing how to actually make juice Martin just dumped it all in together; sweet potatoes, grapes, apples, peaches, carrots, and mangos. He had no idea why a fruit stand in rural Illinois was selling mangos, but they were fifty cents each, so how could he pass that up.

It was only when he was pouring himself his first glass that Martin realized that he might have made a horrible mistake mixing everything together. Mangos and sweet potatoes, what was he thinking? He took a tentative sip, and then a much larger gulp. Everything was coming up Marvin. It was delicious. It had a general sweet fruit flavor, with the peaches and the mangos more exposed than everything else. There was an ever so slight vegetable flavor in the background, but he thought that no one would ever notice that unless they were told what was in it. The more he drank, the more he decided he liked it. He pulled up Wikipedia and did some searching and found exactly how healthy this drink he had created was. He also looked up ways to get rid of fruit flies…€¦it looked like he was going to have cups of vinegar around the house for a few days. That was unfortunate, but this juice was great and healthy for him. It was then that he decided to call his uncle Mort who was a big wig at Tropicana and sell them his juice. He decided he would call it “Fruit Stand.” As he waiting for the secretary to patch him into his uncles office he began to daydream of how he would retire from this deal and spend the rest of his days following around Huey Lewis like he was the Grateful Dead. Life was good for Martin.

Okay soldiers, this is your training for the Great Citrus Army. You will enter here oranges, but many of you will leave as so much more. Some of you will also be rejected and be forced into the concentrate army. No one wants to see that happen, so try your best and show us what you are made of. It is the time to find out if you are a TropiCANa or a TropiCAN'Ta.

Today you will be paired up with the pineapple division. Those of you who are lucky enough to pass this test will end up bleeding along with the respected pineapples and will become an elite force that is greater as a whole then it's individuals. Only the strongest of oranges will make it into this regiment: those of strong flavor, and those who are not afraid to be separated from their pulp. This is a pulpless unit folks, and I don't want to hear any complaints otherwise. Sure we all love a little bit of chunk in out drinks, but that in not what this is about. Also, be warned that there will be no sugar added to this unit, so you will have nowhere to hide. You're flavors will be laid bare.

You oranges will be at the forefront fighting bravely so that the few pineapples can sneak behind enemy lines to unleash their flavor. It is never too strong, but it's there enough to let the enemy know who is boss. They have even enlisted to help of a lone peach to aid them in the advancement of their flavor.

This is what we've been fighting for soldiers, so let's show them what we're made of. To Morning and Beyond!

Have we, The Thirsty Dudes, reached a level of respect and admiration in the beverage world that we can start demanding things? I don't mean demand people send us stuff, although it is nice when they do. I mean demand that drinks be named/labeled in certain ways. For example if a juice drink, such as this one has four or more different types of fruit juice listed in its ingredients that it must, under Thirsty Law, be labeled as a fruit punch. I will give the companies a little bit on leniency, in that they are allowed one fruit over those in the name of the flavor. I know certain fruits are expensive and using apple or grape juice to stretch out the juice is more cost effective. Anything more than that, will hereby be known as fruit punch.

The drink that I am currently sipping on will now be known as “Strawberry Kiwi Fruit Punch.” It's that easy. You see the top three fruits listed in the ingredients are apple, grape and pineapple, yet none of them are in the name. While I do enjoy this juice (especially since there is no added sugar) it by no means tastes like someone mashed a bunch of strawberries and kiwis together. That is a drink that would probably be costly, yet would totally be worth that cost. I'm drooling just thinking about it. This tastes like a fruit punch that has a slight kiwi aftertaste. I want to say that you can taste the strawberries in every sip, but the flavor I'm singling out doesn't taste like biting into a piece of red, juicy fruit. It is just a flavor that companies have programmed my brain to process as strawberry.

So there you have it. I have pounded my gavel and the first Thirsty Amendment has been passed. Make sure you spread the word to your friends in the business. I would hate for them to get fined for breaking my law.

I don't know what these fruits are furious about. Perhaps it's because they are being referred to as tropical, and they are all everyday heart of America fruits, except for the pineapple. Have the rest of the fruits worked themselves up into a tizzy because the pineapple is getting a higher billing than them? Well if it's the apples and grapes that we're talking about, that would be understandable. They are doing all the grunt work (they are the only two fruits mentioned by name on the ingredients list, the rest falls under natural flavors) and they get very little of the credit. Isn't that how it always is, the work of many is exploited by the few?

I really hope that our friend cherry isn't putting up much of a fuss. He may not be at the top of the marquee, but he certainly is the star of the show. Everything else melds together into a generic fruit punch flavor, but it's that small billed cherry whose performance shines through. Isn't that what is most important, to be the name on everyone's lips once the curtain falls?

Holy crap I feel like I am going to puke. This drink...jeez louise. Just vomit. Gaaah. I can sum this drink up in a lovely simile. Did you, like me grow up biting your fingernails? Did your parents buy you that stuff that you put on your fingernails that made them taste disgusting? This is what that tastes like. Absurdly bitter. Oh it smells inviting but one sip and you are on the fast track to Hurlburg. Please add sugar to this next time. I honestly can't see anyone liking this. I appreciate 100% Juice when it's a good fruit at 100%. Grapefruit juice at 100% sucks.

Here's what I want you to do. Put me in a room and take all my clothes off. No, this is not a sexual thing. Now put a clean white shirt and a clean white pair of pants on me. Now put a pair of goggles on me. Now fill T-Shirt cannons with de-pitted cherries and an assortment of berries. Take aim and fire. That is a literal "cherry berry blast." It's fun. It's messy. It's unsuspecting. This drink, though, has a lot of the fun taken out of it. Allow me to explain.

This drink is not bad but it's too flat. It has a good berry flavor but not a real strong cherry flavor and almost no bite. If I have to judge by way of percentage, I would say that there is 9% bite in this drink. I don't get the sense that this was ever derived from real fruit. The main ingredients, as with most juices, is apple and grape juice. It's juices way of watering down juice. That's fine, but it really just tastes like berry flavoring more than anywhere in the creation of this drink did it ever encounter real fruit. It's simple. Kids will love it. Idiot adults will love it. People who care about fruit or want something a bit more natural will think this is boring. I didn't even say "organic," just natural. Corn syrup and artificial flavors could do anything poorly. It's a recipe for mediocrity.

This juice makes me want to stay in a hotel. Why? Two words: Continental Breakfast. Number one, the Lincoln Continental was a large boat of a car. The Continental Breakfast can range from cruddy doughnuts and a carton of orange juice to a smorgasbord of early morning delicacies including but not limited to:

• Pastries


• Bagels


• Breakfast Sandwiches


• Cereal

Another thing they have is juice. Sometimes they really raise the bar and have multiple types of juice like orange, pineapple, cranberry, and grape. This drink tastes like you are on a business trip to finally close the Johnson deal and you woke up, thirsty as ever. You go downstairs and they've got a sweet setup but they're running late on juice so you've got to mix. You pull a fifty-fifty with some pineapple and orange knowing it will be good and it is. You can taste the two mingling as if they're shaking hands closing deals with your taste buds. If they can do it, you can, too.

You go to your meeting, promptly impress the client, land the Johnson deal, get a big bonus and the admiration of your co-workers, and go buy yourself a nice new suit because you earned it all thanks to two juices that came together to satisfy your palate.