Canada (146 reviews)

Chubby Crash'N Cream

Chubby Crash'N Cream

This little guy has been staring me in the eye every time I open my cupboard for about a year now. It’s like he’s just been daring me to taste his awfulness. I don’t even remember where he came from, Mike probably…the bastard. I’d like to imagine that he was summoned forth like some sort of drink demon to ruin my day. You may say, “Hey it’s just soda pop in a cute little bottle.” If you utter those words to me I will tell you that A. Cream soda should not be green. B. No soda should be green. It just means that added food coloring to make it wacky. C. Soda that comes in such a small container can be nothing but overly sweetened to the point where It will instantly erode your teeth and give you a terrible stomach ache.

I’m sick of looking at this. I’m sick of being afraid. Today I face my fears and try the dreaded “Chubby” (phrasing).

Oh my god it may be worse than expected. I opened up the bottle and it smelled like a nice pleasant cream soda. I thought to myself, “Hey maybe this actually won’t be so bad. Maybe you’ve just been paranoid.” Then I took a sip and realized the demon had tricked me into taking a large gulp of his poison. It tastes solely like sweetener, with the faintest, faintest hint of vanilla. It has sugar and/or glucose fructose plus sucralose. You can taste it all battling out inside of your mouth, and no matter who the victor is it will not be your taste buds. Damn you Chubby!

Website
http://www.chubbysd.com/chubby%20files/chubby.htm
Country
Canada
Sweetener
Sugar/Glucose-Fructose
Categories
Soda Pop
Rating
1/5
Reviewed By
Jason Draper on August 4th, 2012
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Allen's Tropical Grove Mango

Allen's Tropical Grove Mango

The first thing I noticed about this was the kind of odd packaging, it being in a small carton, with a screw top lid, kind of like a medium sized orange juice container. Upon opening, I was pleased that this wasn't like mango nectar (which tends to be heavy, and overly sugary), it passed the smell test, and it was a nice orange color. All seemed well, and at first it was, the initial taste was awesome, until I swallowed it. Then came a strange mild body odor taste (which you can get with a unripe mango). As I continued to drink it, the taste got more and more powerful. I really wanted to like this, but I just couldn't get over the after taste. It has hints of grape and peach, which doesn't help the taste at all. Its only plus is that it's cheap (about a dollar), but I still have half of it left and its been a week and a half. I would pass on this if I were you.

Country
Canada
Categories
Juice
Rating
2/5
Reviewed By
Derek Neuland on September 6th, 2010
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Allen's 25% Real Mango Juice Case Pack 12

Allen's Tropical Grove Guava

Allen's Tropical Grove Guava

The ingredients: water, sugar, juice. Couldn't they have reversed the sugar to juice ratio? I bet this would have been way, way better if they had. It has 15% juice. So that means that more than 15% of this drink is sugar. I probably shouldn't think about that. It does actually have a guava taste, but I can't help but thinking about the insane amount of sugar that's in it, and I can't really get over that. I paid $1 for this, so I didn't really expect it to be much better, but a man can dream.

Country
Canada
Sweetener
Liquid Invert Sugar
Categories
Juice
Rating
2/5
Reviewed By
Jason Draper on December 20th, 2010
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Allen's 25% Real Guava Juice Case Pack 12

Beaver Buzz Dam Good Citrus

Beaver Buzz Dam Good Citrus

Smell: Not bad.

Taste: Almost like a natural orange juice but with a strange aftertaste, almost dry. Then sometimes is gets a little strange. It sticks to your palate for a long time. Unwelcomely long. Uninvitedly long.

Burp: Disgusting. Seriously, every burp tastes like you just burped and bile came up. What's strange is that when you burp, it resets your taste buds like when your Nintendo, original, not Super Nintendo, game doesn't work and you hit the reset button 40 times to try and get 720 to work so you can see that dude that is clearly inspired by Rodney Dangerfield. So if you drink it and it starts to get grozz, just burp, make matters worse, and then have everything back to before you took your first sip.

This is along the lines of the FRS drink in its citrocity, but doesn't end up tasting like orange flavored chalk at the bottom of the can.

Website
http://www.beaverbuzz.com
Country
Canada
Sweetener
Sucrose
Categories
Energy Drink
Rating
2/5
Reviewed By
Mike Literman on April 13th, 2011
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Kiki Maple Sweet Water Lemon Ginger

Kiki Maple Sweet Water Lemon Ginger

Did you know that all you need to do to get maple syrup is you stick a spigot into any tree in Canada? Any tree at all will do. It won't work at all in any other country, but in Canada if you had a palm tree in your house and stuck a spigot into it, maple syrup would flow out in great torrents. It's a fact. Read a book.

The Kiki company decided to open up their tree faucets and add some lemon and ginger to the sweetness that came pouring out. Something went horribly wrong though. The mixture smells of the air in a high school hallway several minutes after a pile of the nerdy kids vomit has been cleaned up with that weird powder they used. That’s definitely the gross lingering scent of vomit. Even if this tasted wonderful (it doesn't) it would be hard to get over the smell. It tastes like diet ginger. I don't know how that's possible since ginger isn't sweet. Also it all tastes very watered down. It's a shame I had high expectations for this.

Website
http://www.trollbridgecreek.ca/
Country
Canada
Sweetener
Maple Syrup
Categories
Ginger, Water
Rating
2/5
Reviewed By
Jason Draper on May 14th, 2011
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Clearly Canadian Daily Vitamin Blueberry

Clearly Canadian Daily Vitamin Blueberry

You've got your flavored waters and you've got this. Hint does a nice job of putting a little bit of flavor into a lot of bit of water and making something both flavorful and pleasing. This drink does a good job of adding a little bit of flavor to a lot of bit of water and making it boring.

Initially it was alright. I thought it was going to be a nice drink but as soon as the temperature rose to room temperature, boredom sets in. It couldn't be blander, really.

I needed be bothered with writing a long, detailed review on this. It's not great and I don't recommend it to you. End of story. Blunt? Yep-ahh.

Website
http://www.clearlycanadianbrands.ca/
Country
Canada
Sweetener
Crystalline Fructose
Categories
Sports/Dietary Supplement
Rating
2/5
Reviewed By
Mike Literman on August 18th, 2011
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Tiger Malt Original

Tiger Malt Original

Well. Great. Merry Christmas. Fantastic. Here I am, on stage, accepting this award for perfect attendance for my high school. One of two kids that got it. I don't necessarily do stupendous in class, but I do fair. I'm a B student. What do I get? A handshake and a bottle of pop from the principal. That seems strange to me. I guess I did spend all that time going to class. I deserve this pop.

Alright. Study hall. Second to last day of the year. I've got this strange Tiger Malt and I'm going to drink it. I can do what I want. I'm 17, there is one day of school left and I haven't missed a day. Down the hatch Tiger Malt. Ugh. What the heck is in this bottle? What are my taste buds doing to me? I've got to try this again. I have never felt anything like this before. It's revolting but yet so familiar. Bleh. Terrible. Did someone play a joke on me? Is there some sort of conspiracy against letting kids finish a school year without missing a day? This is going to put me in the hospital? Did someone liquefy and strain a bowl of Raisin Bran? It tastes like a stronger version of my Puerto Rican friend Joey's mom's favorite Malta Goya drink. I might barf. That's isn't going to look good on the floor or on my permanent record.

Country
Canada
Sweetener
Sugar
Categories
Other/Weird, Soda Pop
Rating
2/5
Reviewed By
Mike Literman on December 21st, 2011
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Jones 24c Tropical Citrus

Jones 24c Tropical Citrus

Let me start off by saying that I found this drink at Big Lots. Not only that, but it was also on clearance. Something on mark down at a discount store generally means that this product has been discontinued. After a quick check I see that it is listed in the "Retired Products” section on the Jones website. I wonder how old this is. There’s no expiration date to be found on it. I don’t blame them for discontinuing it. It’s not very memorable. It’s basically Jones’ version of the Energy flavored Vitamin Water, except it doesn’t taste as strong, or as good. There is no specific citrus flavor to it. It’s just nondescript tropical citrus. It’s a water drink, so I don’t expect the flavor to be very strong, but the problem with this is unlike Vitamin Water you can taste the vitamin undertones in it. Vitamins don’t exactly taste wonderful, so that’s kind of a deal breaker. With so many other vitamin based drinks on the market these days this beverage falls short. Jones, I’ve tried a bunch of your products, and I have to say, stick with what you know…soda pop.

Website
http://www.jonessoda.com
Country
Canada
Sweetener
Inverted Cane Sugar
Categories
Sports/Dietary Supplement
Rating
2/5
Reviewed By
Jason Draper on March 7th, 2012
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Jones 24c Strawberry Lemonade

Jones 24c Strawberry Lemonade

It’s hot, I mean unnaturally hot for this time of year, and you’ve been cruising around like a jackass on your longboard all afternoon. Earlier you got a double iced ristretto venti nonfat organic chocolate brownie Frappuccino from the Starbucks on campus but for some reason something with such a stupid name just didn’t refresh you like you wanted it to. You really need something to cool you down, but you blew the last of your money on the sweetest visor you have ever seen at the local “skate shop.” Well at one point in the past it was a skate shop, but now it’s really just a stupid clothing boutique, but they still have a couple killer longboards in the window. You were just about resigned to give up on your day and head home and drink whatever beer you could find stashed in other kids dorm rooms, when you decided to take a shortcut behind the mini mart that sells beer to underage kids. As you were holding your breath to ride passed the dumpster that smells like it contains the corpses of at least eleven different types of mammals, you noticed a case of drinks sitting by the back door. The turd who worked the counter made fun of you last week for buying Zima and Skittles so screw him you’re just going to steal a couple of bottles. You grabbed a handful of the drinks and shoved them in every pocket that your cargo shorts had to offer. Then you reached down to grab one for the road. You really showed the proprietors of that store, stealing drinks they had out by the dumpster. That will show them to laugh at your alcoholic beverage choices. As you turned out of the alley onto the regular road you cracked open the bottle of Jones 24c Strawberry Lemonade. It looked like it was your lucky day, nothing beats the heat that a nice bottle of lemonade. You gulped a huge mouthful and promptly fell flat on your face. It could have been the pebble that stopped the wheel of your longboard, or it could have been the distinct feeling that something was not quite right with the lemonade. Actually you instantly decided that whoever decided to call it lemonade should be fired. Not only did it not contain a single drop of lemon juice, but it also didn’t taste like they even tried to fake it. Now that you think about it, it didn’t even really taste like strawberries either. It just tasted like a generic fruit flavored fake Vitamin Water. Something was also very off with the taste. Originally you thought that it might have been the sweetener, but after realizing that it was made with cane sugar, you decided it was either the vitamins that had been added, or the drink had simply gone bad. All of these thoughts swam through your head as you stared down at your new visor that was now swimming in a mud puddle. Suddenly a moment of pure enlightenment washed over you. Whether it was spoiled or this was just the way it tasted this drink had been where it belonged out by the dumpster. Also, you are a complete douche bag and “longboard is the wrong board” bro.

Website
http://www.jonessoda.com
Country
Canada
Sweetener
Inverted Cane Sugar
Categories
Lemonade, Sports/Dietary Supplement
Rating
2/5
Reviewed By
Jason Draper on March 27th, 2012
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Jones 24c Cranberry Apple

Jones 24c Cranberry Apple

Why on Earth do all of these drinks taste like they have some sort of artificial sugar in them when they are actually sweetened with inverted cane sugar? I think they might actual be decent vitamin based water drinks, but nope something just tastes wrong in all three flavors I’ve reviewed. As I’ve said in the past it may just be that they don’t do a very good job of disguising the taste of the ridiculous vitamins and minerals and dirt and stones that are in the drink. I can tell you that I taste approximately zero apple and very minimal cranberry in here. It has a general quasi fruit flavor that seems like it will be good for you because of the off flavor. I wouldn’t purchase this again. I also wouldn’t advise that you do either with so many other companies doing a similar thing that taste much better.

Website
http://www.jonessoda.com
Country
Canada
Sweetener
Inverted Cane Sugar
Categories
Sports/Dietary Supplement
Rating
2/5
Reviewed By
Jason Draper on April 10th, 2012
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