United States (4124 reviews)

Goya Tamarind Nectar

Goya Tamarind Nectar

I am a fan of most of the Goya Nectar drinks. I usually get them in the larger bottles, but this flavor I've only ever seen in a can. I learned today that although the bottles use natural sweeteners, the ones in the cans all seem to be sweetened with High Fructose Corn Syrup. In my opinion that's already deducted points. The taste of the nectar reminded me of a mix of apple and grape juice, with a strange earthy undertone. It really did nothing for me.

Website
http://goya.com
Country
United States
Sweetener
High Fructose Corn Syrup
Categories
Juice
Rating
1/5
Reviewed By
Jason Draper on September 6th, 2010
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Goya Tamarind Nectar

12 Noon To Midnight Original

12 Noon To Midnight Original

This bottled beverage taunted me for months from the shelf of my local grocery store. The bottle made it look so fancy and tasty. I thought of it as the grail of beverages. The $8 price tag on it always deterred me. I would look up at it weekly and say "Some day. Some day." Finally I got to the point where I couldn't stand it any longer and bought it to have with dinner that night. This drink had been built up in my head to such a level that I cannot describe my disappointment as it splashed on my tongue. It tasted like the blandest fruit juice I had ever tasted. It tasted the way every health food was described in 80's movies. It also had a strong fennel aftertaste, even though it's not listed in the ingredients. I had a handful of other people taste it, wondering if it had magically powers that made it taste so disgusting to those who weren't worthy of it's glory. After one sip everyone thought it was completely terrible, and half a bottle of it was sadly poured down the drain.

Website
http://www.twelvebeverage.com/
Country
United States
Sweetener
Naturally Sweetened
Categories
Juice, Sparkling
Rating
1/5
Reviewed By
Jason Draper on September 8th, 2010
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12 Beverage Sparkling Fruit Juice and Tea Blend 25.4 oz.

Quinoa Gold Caffeine-Free Energy Mango Passion

Quinoa Gold Caffeine-Free Energy Mango Passion

When I saw this intriguing beverage I was pre-warned that this was "completely gross" by a friend who had already been roped into trying it. I was feeling adventurous (and I thought it couldn't be nearly as bad as he said it was), so I decided to give it a chance. Oh how I wish I hadn't. It was extremely bland. The quinoa "supergrain" gives the nearly flavorless beverage the consistency of a grits milkshake. I'm usually a fan of pulp and other floaty things in drinks, but this was just too much. I couldn't even finish a third of the bottle. I wouldn't recommend this to anyone as an everyday drink, but if you're drinking it for the health benefits, I say good luck to you.

Website
http://www.quinoagold.com/
Country
United States
Sweetener
Organic Agave Nectar
Categories
Chunky, Energy Drink, Sports/Dietary Supplement
Rating
1/5
Reviewed By
Jason Draper on September 8th, 2010
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Taylor's Tonics Cola Azteca

Taylor's Tonics Cola Azteca

I'm not a fan of most coffee drinks, but I do occasionally enjoy a mocha. I unfortunately did not enjoy the Cafe Azteca. I guess it remotely tastes like mocha, but it is extremely strong and burns a lot. It wasn't what I expected after having the other Taylor's Tonics drinks. At first I thought it might have been my dislike of coffee drinks that was weighing my opinion, but after having some avid coffee drinkers taste it, everyone agreed it was way too strong for its own good. Out of the seven or so people who tasted it, only one really enjoyed it.

Website
http://www.taylorstonics.com/
Country
United States
Sweetener
Evaporated Cane Juice
Categories
Coffee, Soda Pop
Rating
1/5
Reviewed By
Jason Draper on September 8th, 2010
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Southern Graviola Distribution Inc. Graviola Life Original

Southern Graviola Distribution Inc. Graviola Life Original

No thanks. The whole drinks packaging reeks of "As Seen On TV" sales tactics. With phrases like "World's most powerful heath drink" and "Low on sugar low on carbs" (no spaces or punctuation). I should have known. Not to mention, the website listed on the bottle is not correct. That rarely happens.

Let us continue...

From opening up the bottle, it gave me a plasticy, unnatural taste. The primary ingredient is a fruit called the "graviola" or known by its more common name "soursop". It does have a slightly sweet, milky smooth taste, but that strange aroma overpowers the taste and welcomes itself back into your senses.

Having heard nothing of graviola or soursop, I did ten seconds of research on Wikipedia, the worlds most reliable (sarcastic) source, and came across two items which interested me:

1. "Nutritionally, the fruit is high in carbohydrates" - After it had previously stated that it was low in carbs
2. "Research carried out in the Caribbean has suggested a connection between consumption of soursop and atypical forms of Parkinson's disease due to the very high concentration of annonacin." - Which just plain isn't good.

Sure, everything is good in moderation, but this just plain isn't good. Needless to say, the garbage found a 3/4 full bottle of this drink.

Website
http://www.graviolalifetea.com/
Country
United States
Sweetener
Sugar
Categories
Iced Tea, Sports/Dietary Supplement
Rating
1/5
Reviewed By
Mike Literman on September 9th, 2010
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Genesis Boost Youth Mangosteen

Genesis Boost Youth Mangosteen

I've seen these drinks around a few times, but the $4-$5 price range always deterred me from trying it. When I saw it on sale for $2, I realized it was time to give it a chance. I've had dried mangosteen in the past, and it was pretty decent, so I was looking forward to this. When I opened it, there was brown gunk on the inside of the cap, I checked the expiration date, and it hadn't passed, so I chalked it up to "health food sludge." The smell is pretty terrible, like a fruit that is past ripeness. First swig it wasn't so bad, but it was kind of hard for me to finish the bottle. It reminded me of cider when it's just on the verge of becoming alcoholic. This is definitely not the beverage for me.

Website
http://www.genesisboost.com/
Country
United States
Sweetener
No Sugar Added
Categories
Juice, Sports/Dietary Supplement
Rating
1/5
Reviewed By
Jason Draper on September 16th, 2010
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Youth Boost to Support Healthy Aging and Immune System (1) Bottle 12 oz.

Hansen's Smoothie Pineapple Coconut

Hansen's Smoothie Pineapple Coconut

Hey. You know when you throw up and then try to cover up the taste with old popcorn? You do? Then number 1; I'm sorry. Number 2; you don't need to drink this.

For a company that has the best pop I've ever drunk, this stuff belongs in the filth can.

Here's how it went down...
I drank it and liked it while it was in my mouth. As soon as I swallowed it, I got a strange barf taste and I thought it might be the metal from the can so I poured it into a glass. I took another drink and it was worse. Afterwards I felt sick because you always are reminded of throwing up when your mouth tastes like, or recently tasted like, up-chuck.

I made this site with my bare hands and I wish I had created a 0 rating because this would get it.

Hansen's, I am happy that I reviewed this drink before your Cherry Vanilla Creme pop because you can only go up from here.

Website
http://www.hansens.com/
Country
United States
Sweetener
High Fructose Corn Syrup
Categories
Coconut, Smoothie
Rating
1/5
Reviewed By
Mike Literman on September 17th, 2010
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Function Light Weight Peach Mango

Function Light Weight Peach Mango

Ugh. I have had such good experiences with the other Function flavors I've tried. When I saw a peach mango one, I was so stoked. I didn't even take into consideration that it was "Light Weight." It tastes like nothing but artificial sweetener. I get no specific peach or mango flavor. It starts off with a general fruit flavor, and quickly turns to sucralose hell. If you are an alien and love the taste of artificial sweeteners, this may be right up your alley. I will be steering clear. Unfortunately I bought another flavor of "Light Weight" that I still have to review.

Website
http://www.functiondrinks.com/
Country
United States
Categories
Diet, Sports/Dietary Supplement
Rating
1/5
Reviewed By
Jason Draper on September 19th, 2010
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Function Drink, Light Weight: Peach Mango, 16.9 Oz. / 12Pk

Goya Malta

Goya Malta

Imagine the following. It's Thanksgiving. Everyone has just sat down for a wonderful traditional meal. Suddenly your crazy aunt comes in and pours eight gallons of pureed prunes on everything. That is exactly what Malta Goya tastes like to me. It is the worst beverage I have ever tasted in my life.
Years ago, when I first moved into my current apartment, we had a taco party. Someone thought it would be a good idea to bring a case of this. We all in turn thought it would be a great idea to all chug them at the same time. I then spent the next hour laying on my bathroom floor cringing in pain. I didn't even get another one of these to drink while I wrote this review (which is how I normally do it). It's that bad that I never want the flavor on my tongue again. I wish I could give it a negative rating.
Like this beverage, my sister's boyfriend is from Puerto Rico. I guess people drink it down there like crazy. They can't get enough of it. I can't even come close to understanding that.

Website
http://goya.com
Country
United States
Sweetener
High Fructose Corn Syrup
Categories
Soda Pop
Rating
1/5
Reviewed By
Jason Draper on September 23rd, 2010
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Goya Soda Malta 2 Cases of 6 Bottles - 12 Bottles - 84oz

Trader Joe's Watermelon Juice

Trader Joe's Watermelon Juice

This went bad. Really bad. Terribly bad. Did I still drink it? Yep-ahh. I'm a glutton for punishment. I'll give you the back-story:

My girlfriend went to Vegas. She only won $100 but with the proceeds, she went to Trader Joe's, a store we don't have where we are from, and bought a handful of stuff that you can't get here. One of those drinks being this watermelon juice. She then came home, gave it to me, and I brought it to work to review.

So here I am, thirsty. After all, I am a thirsty dude. I say to myself that I'm going to try this watermelon juice because, after all, I like watermelon. I open the cap, hand it to my friend Mike (pictured) and he tries it, and quickly shows a face of utter disgust. "It tastes like someone crushed the watermelons with rubber." he says handing the bottle to me. I smell it, and it's putrid. I taste it...equally putrid. It tasted like you ate two day old, thrown out watermelon.

Think like you are a homeless person and you go through the garbage on a Monday after a back yard barbecue held the previous Saturday. You find what looks like a perfectly good slice of watermelon, but lo and behold, it is not. Put that in a bottle and sell it and that's what you've got.

This was probably out of the fridge for too long during transport so I might re-rate this at a later date. If someone else has had this with better luck than myself, please tell me otherwise. If this is how it tastes, share this link with your friends so that they stop making garbage watermelon juice.

Website
http://www.traderjoes.com
Country
United States
Sweetener
No Sugar Added
Categories
Juice
Rating
1/5
Reviewed By
Mike Literman on September 27th, 2010
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