China (31 reviews)

Kirin Afternoon Milk Tea Chocolate

Kirin Afternoon Milk Tea Chocolate

First of all, dudes at work don't know how I do. I invited six people to drink this and give me a review. I said, "Here's your chance to be on a famous website no different than if you were Caroline Rhea or Anthony Michael Hall." They laughed, threw tomatoes at me like this was the early 1900's. I didn't even know we had tomatoes in the office but there is some sort of secret closet that contains nothing but over-ripened tomatoes ready for the next bad joke or snake oil salesman. In this case, it was my attempt to make half a dozen dudes filthy rich like me. Your loss, turds. Your loss.

How's this? Well, it's fine. It tastes like chocolate milk. One said, "It tastes like hot cocoa. No. It tastes like Yoo-hoo." which I kind of agree with. If there is tea in this, and I'm not doubting there is, it is promptly and sufficiently overshadowed by sugar and chocolate. Is that the worst thing in the world? No. Is the fact that it is eight months past expiration date that really makes it? No. It isn't. It just tastes like chocolate milk. That's cool, right? Yes and no. I wanted a chocolate tea with Jasmine and Rooibos tea, as friggin' promised. I just got a white person's chocolate milk. We all know that white people are the worst, right? I mean, enjoy your mac and cheese, idiots.

To the six people that drank this that are not on my yacht, think twice next time I offer you something you can't read the label for that you saw three other people drink before you. It could be the thing that turns your life around. Now I'm sorry but I have to go put tanning oil on hot babes that aren't my wife. My wife is cool with it. She told me she was.



As I tend to do, I spoke too soon.

Nick said:


I was approached by Mike with a nod and a wink, which of course either meant it was time for an afternoon tryst... or time to sample a new beverage. As I do require continued employment and HR frowns on at-work conjugal relations, it was fortunately the latter.

The beverage in question was a bottle which was decidedly not labeled for sale in America, fully decked out in Asian-language glyphs. OK, we have a potential mouth party, here. Strap in, taste buds.

I did see one English word: chocolate. Now, chocolate for me can be a multi-layer extravaganza of flavors, or a cloyingly sweet abomination of which Hershey's would be proud. The first sip showed this drink leaned more towards the latter. Primary flavor: sweet. Meh. There's also a texture that says to me there's some milk or other form of emulsified fat going on here. It's feels a little creamy.

What followed was a flavor I can describe as not-hot hot chocolate. Yeah, you know... the cup of hot chocolate you made to warm up after snow-blowing the GD driveway for the second time today, only to be drawn away by a wife request for something that clearly would have been less time for her to just do herself, and then later re-discover your room-temp cup, and then remembering as you drink it that room-temp hot chocolate is not nearly as good, and become lost in a downward spiral of negative emotions. Maybe that's just me, though. OK, I'm exaggerating. It's not bad. It's just not *good*. I wouldn't seek it out for this part. Thus far, we're not looking at a beverage I'd actively seek out again.

Ah - but the last, lingering hit of background tastes (and aftertaste). There's something going on here. Putting a finger on it is nigh impossible, between OMG SWEET and the milky texture and the mild cocoa. But there's... something. A complex of multiple things, very subtle. I'd later learn this was tea and hibiscus. It could have been turmeric and turpentine for all I could tell; they're so muted. But it *was* pleasant.
Is the little blend of almost missed flavors enough to make this a repeat drink?

Nah. I think it would have benefited from those secondary flavors being brought forward more.

I'm happy to have sampled it, and I enjoyed drinking what I had, but no, I wouldn't buy one. I'd probably have a hit if it was given to me. Especially if it was from Mike... with that wink and nod.

Country
China
Sweetener
Sugar
Categories
Iced Tea, Milk
Rating
3/5
Reviewed By
Mike Literman on January 25th, 2019
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Nongfu Spring Tea Peach Oolong

Nongfu Spring Tea Peach Oolong

It's been a long time since I've drank anything with this much sugar in it. There is sugar, presumably cane sugar, and also honey which makes this peach oolong taste fantastic. Seriously, this was great. If it had half the sugar, it might be better. The honey adds more flavor than it did sweetness but man, this was good. The peach flavor was good. I might say that the sugar overpowered the child custody arm wrestling match against the oolong to the point where it was just a "tea base" instead of something truly distinguishable.

Would I get this again? I don't think so. I would recommend it with the caveat of, "If you like sweet tea, you will love this." but my palate doesn't really do so hot against drinks like this anymore. It doesn't hurt the review but it would count against me telling other people to get it. Seriously, though. If you like sweetened, flavored tea, get this. Get this and you'll never drink a Brisk raspberry again. I know peach and raspberries are different fruits but if you are looking to become a better person in society, this over that.

Country
China
Sweetener
Sugar
Categories
Iced Tea
Rating
4/5
Reviewed By
Mike Literman on January 3rd, 2019
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Farmer Springs Milk Tea Matcha

Farmer Springs Milk Tea Matcha

Jay loves matcha. Why did I review this then? Don't ask questions. That's why.

This was purchased as a local Asian grocery store I tend to go to. I brought my son thinking he might like some different snacks and treats. For the record I thought wrong. I bought him a mochi ball and he didn't like it. I bought him a chunky juice and he didn't like it.

This was good but even in the small bottle there is no way I could finish it. It does taste like matcha but after a while, you eventually lose the green tea taste and it starts to taste like the milk at the end of cereal. Once again, not bad, but exhausting and sweet. Not tooth rottingly sweet but too sweet for me to drink even this baby bottle.

Country
China
Sweetener
Fructose Syrup
Categories
Iced Tea
Rating
3/5
Reviewed By
Mike Literman on June 7th, 2017
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Hung Fook Tong Salted Mandarin Drink With Mandarin Pulps

Hung Fook Tong Salted Mandarin Drink With Mandarin Pulps

Man while I’m sitting back relaxing drinking my juice I can only think about how the rest of the world is full of suckers. They are all drinking regular orange juice and here I am living like a king drinking mandarin juice, and it even has pulp. I swear in some parts of the world this really would make me royalty. Mandarin juice is just so superior. It has its own unique taste, which still clearly being part of the orange family. Jim, you haven’t had much to say about his. Actually why are you making a giant pile of salt out here on the back deck. Oh, you’re saving up so you have a surplus next winter because you just want to spread it over the driveway so you never have to shovel? Well, I’m not sure if that will work, but I like the way you think, and I give you points for ingenuity. Why don’t you pull yourself up a hammock and grab a nice glass of mandarin juice and take in a slice of the good life. Oh man, Jim! You’ve covered in salt and a bunch of it got into the juice. This is why no one likes you Jim; you ruin even the simplest of things.

You’re still drinking the juice? Did you see how much salt dissolved in there? You say it’s not that bad? Give it here! Actually you’re right, this is not nearly as salty as I would have expected, and it gives the juice a certain charm. Actually no, I was wrong. One or two sips was okay, but the more I drink the more I notice the salt and it’s kind of ruining everything, much like yourself. I feel like I might try putting a dash of salt into my next carafe of mandarin juice, but anything more than a pinch is just too much. I can’t make it even a third of the way through this glass. Jim, you’re lucky I’m not the king I previously pretended to be or else it would be off with your head!

Website
http://www.hungfooktong.com/tc/
Country
China
Sweetener
Cane Sugar
Categories
Chunky, Juice
Rating
2/5
Reviewed By
Jason Draper on June 1st, 2014
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Wahaha Russian Style

Wahaha Russian Style

Come on, dude. Let me down. I don't think that I deserve this. I swear I didn't steal that pack of gum. I've got like thirty dollars in my wallet. Why would I steal a one dollar pack of gum? Dollar fifty? Come on dude. This is a dollar gum and you know it. You're just ripping people off with that. I know people love it. It's a classic gum but that's no reason to overcharge just because you can. Let's just get back to the issue at hand here. Why am I being drawn and quartered? I told you I wasn't stealing that gum. I had some on me that you just so happen to be a brand you sell. Seriously, I'm telling you the truth. Man, this reminds me of that strange tea I had. What? Oh, now you're concerned about my opinion. Well I'll tell you but I would like you to let me go. I'll pay you double for the gum I didn't steal just so you let me down. This thing pulling me is getting quite uncomfortable.

Alright, so I met up with some friends and one gave me a tea that I couldn't read a single word to. Naturally I just drank it because I was thirsty. I took a sip and it tasted like someone poured jasmine tea into a beer and sweetened it with honey. I don't drink so this kind of took me for a loop. Why don't I drink? It's because I don't want to and don't think that I need to, that's why. Back to the tea, I love tea. I love it. When you pair it with beer, though, it goes down an infinite amount of pegs. When you have a nice jasmine tea sweetened with honey, though, it's a good thing. So I'm torn, much like I feel like my limbs are slowly ripping from my socket all over some stupid gum.

Oh, what? I don't know where it came from, maybe some Asian market. So what do you say, pal? Can you let me down? I've been good to you. I've promised you more money that you deserve. I've told you a tale of my past. How about you let me down? No? Well what do you want to talk about while my balls and sockets say goodbye? This is unbearable but I give you full credit for doing it with horses and not some medieval apparatus. Credit where credit's due, right?

Website
http://en.wahaha.com.cn/
Country
China
Sweetener
Sugar
Categories
Iced Tea
Rating
3/5
Reviewed By
Mike Literman on October 31st, 2013
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Hung Fook Tong Qing Bu Liang Drink

Hung Fook Tong Qing Bu Liang Drink

On a recent trip to the Asian market Mark decided to get a bunch of things he had never heard of before to expand his palate’s horizons. He picked up some job’s tears seeds, fragrant solomonseal rhizome, lily bulbs, lotus seeds, longan, gordon euryale seeds, and coastal glehnia root. He was so proud of his haul that Mike went right home and set out to make supper. That is where the troubles arose. No matter what he did with any of these ingredients the results were not very tasty. He tried to make tofu, pasta and even went as far as sprinkling them on toast. All were a no go.

It was in a moment of frustration that Mark decided to juice boil all of the ingredients together along with some rock sugar he had inexplicably laying around. He decided that a tea would be his last ditch effort. In the final moments of the game, he finally got his break. It tasted decent hot, but he decided to put it on ice and see what he had. Once cold his “tea” took on a new life. It was fairly sweet in the way that only rock sugar can make things. He’s still convinced it’s just rock candy ground up. It tastes about the same. Everything else just kind of blended together in a way that he could only racially describe as Asian. The flavor of this tea is just not naturally found in the Western world. It’s hard to explain, but it tasted decent enough, so he drank it and was glad that his ingredients went to some productive use. It will be quite some time before Mark goes out and blindly buys unheard of ingredients again.

Website
http://www.hungfooktong.com/tc/
Country
China
Sweetener
Rock Sugar
Categories
Iced Tea
Rating
3/5
Reviewed By
Jason Draper on September 17th, 2013
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Cheng Kang Strawberry Soybean Drink

Cheng Kang Strawberry Soybean Drink

Do you remember when you were a kid and Strawberry Quik was one of the best things ever? Well, this is the soy version of that. Okay, you caught me. I am a liar. This wishes that it was the soy version of that. Actually I believe that at some point in its creation that is exactly what it might have been but then things went wonky. It tastes like they had two vats, one filled with soymilk and another filled with sweetened strawberry flavoring. I can only imagine that they meant to water down the soy vat to make it slightly less soy-y, but someone at the factory messed up and watered down the flavoring instead. The result was a beverage that tasted very strongly of soy and not as boldly of strawberry.

Instead of this tasting like nice strong strawberry milk it ended up tasting like the soymilk left over after a bowl of Frankenberry. I don’t think anyone wants this.

Country
China
Sweetener
Sugar
Categories
Milk, Soy
Rating
2/5
Reviewed By
Jason Draper on August 13th, 2013
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Master Kong Honey Jasmine Iced Tea

Master Kong Honey Jasmine Iced Tea

Honey jasmine, you say? No English on the bottle, you say? Hmm. Well...I'll take it! I'll take that and I'll take a delicious bahn mi. Now I will sit here and insult fourteen year old boys for not knowing about sriracha. I will talk about bands he hasn't heard of while listening to bands he hasn't heard of. I will take him through some rough streets whilst making jokes about adultery.

How do I feel about you? Well, I have mixed emotions about you. You are a good tea but you have your issues. You have a good, floral taste and you actually have that lovely bite from the green tea. You taste of jasmine and green tea and for that I applaud you. You are penalized for adding far too much sugar. It tastes like good sugar, but it is too much sugar. For that I do that thing where I rub my fingers in that "shame on you" or "tisk tisk."

All in all, we have insulted a kid for things you had no idea existed until you were well over his age and drank a decent tea. I'm not a betting man but I would have to say that you will have better days than this.

Website
http://www.masterkong.com.cn
Country
China
Sweetener
Sugar
Categories
Iced Tea
Rating
3/5
Reviewed By
Mike Literman on August 2nd, 2013
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Oriental Leaves Farmer

Oriental Leaves Farmer

This is a nice bottle of tea. Perfect for all occasions. The only catch is that everything is in Chinese and there is no telling what is in a bottle of "Farmer" flavored tea. Hey, I'm just telling you what Google Translate is telling me and they told me that this is made up of ground up farmers.

If I may say so, farmers don't taste so bad. They're one with the earth. They probably aren't too many degrees away from tea. You and I, city folk, we're further. We're closer to things like plastics and rubber.

This tastes like a pretty generic black tea. Generic, safe, good quality, and foreign: a good combination. I would take unsweetened black tea from a Chinaman before I would take it from a Yankee. Is that racist? Call in the feds on this one. I think I'm in the right here.

Country
China
Sweetener
No Sugar Added
Categories
Iced Tea
Rating
4/5
Reviewed By
Mike Literman on July 10th, 2013
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Hung Fook Tong Imperatae Cane Drink

Hung Fook Tong Imperatae Cane Drink

Is it possible to strain a liquid through a liquid? I suppose it would be. If you wanted to strain water through an oil, that would work. It's a matter of volume and separation. You may have to go through some sort of skimming process to take a layer off, but that works.

This drink, which sucks, tastes like you strained sweet tea through soup; iced tea through all the corn, peas, carrots, broth and the like. I gave this drink to our new employee slash my new coworker and she knocked it out of the park. I made her just smell it and she said that it smelled like water chestnuts and me, hating water chestnuts, am not too familiar with the scent. Number two ingredient after water? You guessed it, new girl: water chestnuts.
You're re-hired™. Take that, Donald Trump. I've coined my own phrase that people have been using for years and called it my own.

Website
http://www.hungfooktong.com/tc/
Country
China
Sweetener
Sugar Cane
Categories
Iced Tea
Rating
1/5
Reviewed By
Mike Literman on March 4th, 2013
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Buy Now
Imperatae Cane Drink - 16.9oz [3 units] by Hung Fook Tong.
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