Bolthouse Farms Perfectly Protein Hazelnut Latte

Bolthouse Farms Perfectly Protein Hazelnut Latte

In the middle ages, times were tough. You had to raise your own fruits and vegetables, people got sick and died from things like a cough, and there weren't any Burger Kings. Not to mention, periodically, you had to be ready and the drop of a hat for a dragon invading your tiny town. On the plus side, you got to use your sword and were encouraged to at any given time. Throw it. Cut up fruit for dinner. Who cares? Every use is one step closer to being able to kill orcs and wild boars. For protein and energy, you have to eat mutton and probably nuts. I doubt that the meats are carefully marinated and are probably pretty bland. That's no good for anyone.

I would like to be the time traveler that brings a case of Bolthouse Farms to these people. I would be treated with so much respect. I am not going to go as far as being knighted, well maybe, but I would at least get a nice jacket or something. Perhaps I can have the local cobbler make me a nice pair of wingtips. That would be real nice of him. I would say to him, "Dear cobbler. I'm going to call you by your name, Mitch, because "cobbler" is your job and that's a jerk move. Mitch, I bequeath to you a case of Hazelnut Latte Bolthouse Farms drink. It tastes like a melted Arby's jamoca shake and is delicious. You don't know who Arby's is? It's a fast food restaurant that specialized in roast beef sandwiches. Roast beef, not roast beast. I don't know. It could be the same thing. Either way, this is delicious and will give you the botulism free energy you need to both make shoes and boots and shoot arrows at rabid animals. It is yours. Enjoy. Yes, they do make other flavors. What, is this not good enough for you? I come one thousand years back in time and you want variety? Mitch. Come on, dude."

Mitch is a good guy, he just doesn't have the manners one would expect from an adult man. He would take the drink, eventually love it, and be chocked full of energy. I wish him the best of luck with his footwear company and am anxiously awaiting my shoes. I told him to bury them in the ground at a specific location in a nice box so that I can dig them up. They'd better fit.

Website
http://bolthouse.com
Country
United States
Sweetener
Agave Nectar
Categories
Coffee
Rating
4/5
Reviewed By
Mike Literman on 9/28/2011
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Rob's Really Good Mango Tango

Rob's Really Good Mango Tango

It's a little known fact, but this beverage actually inspired the Ted Nugent song "Wango Tango." You may say, "but Thirsty Dudes the timeline is way off. "Wango Tango" was released in 1980, Robs is a fairly new company." That may be true my friends, but the mango drink was actually created by Rob's mother, it is the drink that made Rob want to create drinks of his own. His mother also had a tryst with Senior Nugent back in the late 70's. Theodore was obsessed with this sweet treat of hers and she made a jug of it for him every time he went out bow hunting. Momma Rob was also very concerned with being "green" and the environment, so she would only eat meat that Teddy hunted. She's the one who always said, "You gotta kill 'em to grill 'em." She taught the Nug oh so much about life.

After she broke off the brief relationship Ted tried to win her back by writing "Mango Tango" for her (the producer made him change the name due to the unpopularity of the fruit in the late 70's). Her response was that he could have her again, but only if the song about her and her nicely thinned out mango juice (it really was a precursor to the flavor/consistency of Vitamin Water) made it into the Billboard Top 10. Unfortunately it only got to number 86, and they were never to meet again. The only question there is left to answer is "Could Ted Nugent actually be Rob's biological father?" Come back never round of flavors to find out!

Website
http://www.robsreallygood.com
Country
United States
Sweetener
Organic Cane Sugar
Categories
Juice
Rating
4/5
Reviewed By
Jason Draper on 9/30/2011
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Cooper's Cave Ale Company Butter Beer

Cooper's Cave Ale Company Butter Beer

People just don't understand what a hard life us members of Slytherin have. Wake up. Pray to the snake. Eat breakfast. Pray to the snake. Mock a Weasely for being a ginger. Pray to the snake. Go to class. Pray to the snake. Make fun of a Weasely for being poor. Pray to the snake. Study for potions. Pray to the snake. Plot against Harry Potter. Pray to the snake. Do the dark lords bidding. Pray to the snake.

That damn snake gets more praise than Odin ever did in his prime. On top of that we have to deal with all of the filthy mudbloods that started letting into the school. Ugh. Those disgusting creatures have no business learning magic. When will He Who Will Not Be Named come back and go all fourth reich on their unworthy keisters?

This is the only time of day that I get to relax. The snake has been appeased and I can sneak off to Hogsmeade and pop into The Three Broomsticks and get myself a nice cold one, loosen my robes and just spend some time on myself. They don't let the underclassman in here so it's nice and quiet. Also because they can't come here they all think that the sought after Butter Beer is alcoholic. They sure took a turn into Wrongville. There's nothing alcoholic about it. It's just a nice tasty cream soda that has been flavored with butterscotch. The combination hits you in some nice waves. First it's all nice and vanilla creamy. Then you swallow and the butterscotch tastes over as a nice mild aftertaste. To tell the truth before I tried one of these I was against butterscotch. It seemed unnatural as a flavor. Something mudbloods would eat as dessert. You still won't find me eating that trash, but I will enjoy one of these sodas whenever I get a chance. Oh great it's almost time to praise the snake again. I should get back to our common room.

Website
http://www.cooperscaveale.com/
Country
United States
Sweetener
Pure Cane Sugar
Categories
Soda Pop
Rating
4/5
Reviewed By
Jason Draper on 10/1/2011
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President's Choice Sparkling Soda Lychee

President's Choice Sparkling Soda Lychee

I like eating fresh lychee fruit. Sure it might have a consistency that I can only liken to an eyeball, but it tastes pretty awesome. Something horrible happens when that fruit is transformed into drink form. It somehow starts to taste the was I can only assume an old lady would. Like a perfume from the 1940s. That would be the opposite of awesome.

I've had this sitting around for probably six months. Because the can was white I thought it was diet (all diet pops from my youth were in white cans). That and my fear of lychee drinks put it on the back burner. Tonight I decided to suck it up and for my bravery I was rewarded. President's Choice did something right with this drink. They have kept the flavor of the fruit intact without bringing out the perfumey aspect of it. It's a very light beverage that I would be happy to drink again. Thanks Canada.

Website
http://www.presidentschoice.ca/LCLOnline/
Country
Canada
Sweetener
Sugar/Glucose-Fructose
Categories
Soda Pop
Rating
4/5
Reviewed By
Jason Draper on 10/2/2011
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True Colors Enhanced Energy Beverage Orange Tangerine

True Colors Enhanced Energy Beverage Orange Tangerine

Hey Frankie, I thought I told you to pick me up an energy drink? This thing don't taste like no energy drink I ever had. It taste like a more juicy soda pop. You know with like fruit and junk in it. What do you mean does it have taurine in it? What am I some kind of ingredientologist? Fine I'll read the stupid can. Yeah it's got that "t" stuff in it. Sounds like something to do with a bull. Is that what gives Red Bull it's kick? Wait this isn't bull testicles is it? If it is and this is some kind of joke I'm going to box your ears. Okay, okay I believe you. This stuff still doesn't taste like an energy drink though. It tastes like a fancy orange juice with bubbles in it. Tangerines you say? Well ooolala Mr. Fancy Pants Frenchman. Now shut your mouth and help me rip up this carpet.

Website
http://www.drinktruecolors.com
Country
United States
Sweetener
Sugar
Categories
Energy Drink
Rating
4/5
Reviewed By
Jason Draper on 10/3/2011
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The Simpsons Energy Drink Duff

The Simpsons Energy Drink Duff

Someday Midge will see how much I love her and she'll come runnin' to old Moe. Sure I own a crap hole of a bar and I more than occasionally delve into some less than legal monetary pursuits (what was I thinking keeping a whale in the back of the bar?) but I've sure as hell put the time into winning her over. It's exhausting really. For the past 22 seasons I've been following her and Homer all around this god-forsaken planet just to be close to her. Oh Midge if you only knew the time and effort I put in each week following and watching you for all these years. Sneaking into the luggage compartments on planes, hiding in the flora of the restaurants they eat in, and a whole lot of creeping around watching through windows.

In the early days in order to keep up steam I had to rely on some classic meth that I would get from Cletus, but after what it did to my skin, and with my teeth falling out and whatnot I knew I needed to stop. Lucky for me Duff released an energy drink. I can tell you it's sure a hell of a lot better than that swill ale those low life drunks at my bar gulp down all day. It tastes like a classic energy drink with a nice citrus twist. Sure they use high fructose corn syrup, and I swore I was going to cut that down so I could get in shape for my love, but really what can you expect from such a low rent company as Duff. At least it keeps me up for my late night sessions of watching Midge sleep. That is when Homer's fat whale of a body isn't blocking my vision. Speaking of which it's about time for me to be climbing that old tree. Someday she will be mine. Oh yes, she will be mine.

Website
http://www.bostonamerica.com/
Country
United States
Sweetener
High Fructose Corn Syrup
Categories
Energy Drink
Rating
4/5
Reviewed By
Jason Draper on 10/4/2011
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Simpsons Duff Energy Drink

Monster Absolutely Zero

Monster Absolutely Zero

The packaging makes this drink look like it's going to be ice cold. Like when mints have that weird coldness to it. I didn't expect it to be minty, but I hoped it would have the same freezing effect. It ended up just tasting like a regular diet energy drink. When Dan first opened it and took a sip he said it was pretty gross. I expected the worst, but it tasted fairly average to me. Underneath all of that chemical energy it took a second for my taste buds to register that it was even diet.

In the end this is one of the best diet energy drinks that I've tried. With no sugar or calories it's also probably one of the "healthiest" I've ever had as well. To be fair neither of those are really that crazy of achievements.

Website
http://www.monsterenergy.com
Country
United States
Sweetener
Erythritol
Categories
Diet, Energy Drink
Rating
4/5
Reviewed By
Jason Draper on 10/5/2011
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16 Pack - Monster Energy - Absolutely Zero - 16oz.

Anteadote Organic Oolong

Anteadote Organic Oolong

"Ahh" is the sound you make when you drink this. I picture myself swimming through space and all of these sugary, canned and bottled juices and pops coming at me, slowly. It's space after all. So they're all coming at me, from all angles and I'm just pushing them effortlessly into oblivion with little to no effort since there is no gravity in space. I am also wearing a jet pack to get me from the spaceship to wherever it is I'm going. Probably the International Space Station, which has a water slide, everything is in a bubble, and looks like the inside of BioDome, the movie featuring the quasi-lovable Pauly Shore.

So all of these drinks are coming at me and I'm swatting them away like flies. All of a sudden, this Anteadote oolong tea comes towards me and it's like I met the love of my life. I (stupidly) hold my breath, lift up my space visor which, yes, is oil spill colored like awful gas station sunglasses. I take a big gulp and I say "Ahh" because I didn't need all those sugary beverages, literally, in my space. I made the right decision, picked a couple more from the seemingly infinite amount which are being propelled at me from what I can only guess is a grocery truck that made a wrong turn at Albuquerque and ended up crashing into an asteroid and spilling its cargo all over space. I go back to my space hut. Put my bushel of drinks on the counter, and think, this is great. It's bitter, natural, and has a bold flavor. It's not like I've never had one like this before, but it's good to switch it up every once in a while.

Website
http://www.adagio.com
Country
United States
Sweetener
No Sugar Added
Categories
Iced Tea
Rating
4/5
Reviewed By
Mike Literman on 10/6/2011
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Anteadote Organic Oolong Tea, 16.9 Ounce Bottle (Pack of 15)

Sobe Lifewater Fuji Apple Pear

Sobe Lifewater Fuji Apple Pear

An open letter to pears everywhere:

Dear pears,
I'm sorry that I crap on you all the time. No, not literally. That would be a sight to see, though, wouldn't it? Me sitting over a bushel of pears, letting them have it. No, I am sorry that I call you "crappy apples" all the time. I complain, but it's really my way of saying that I want you to be better. Creative criticism, if you will. I have just tried your collaboration with the apples of Fuji and now I've got to say, you two are great together. A dynamic duo, like Batman and Robin or any other superhero and sidekick. This drink is sweet and apple come out and pear comes out and everyone plays together in the flowered plains called my mouth. It's not too sweet and although this is technically a "diet" drink, the Erythritol isn't overpowering and leaves me with a cool sweetness, as it often does.

In closing, you have done a great job with your friend, Dr. Fuji Appleton. I am sorry for all the guff I give you. You do have many appreciative friends who enjoy you, and it's one of those "you can't win them all." scenarios. I am one man and am clearly outnumbered. I just wanted to give you the benefit of the doubt with this drink because you truly are amazing.

Website
http://www.sobe.com/
Country
United States
Sweetener
Erythritol
Categories
Diet, Sports/Dietary Supplement
Rating
4/5
Reviewed By
Mike Literman on 10/7/2011
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SoBe Lifewater Lean Machine Fuji Apple Pear, 20 oz (Pack of 24)

Best Guava Juice Drink

Best Guava Juice Drink

I've had pink guava juice in the past, and now I am presented with one that is off white. Which is the true color? Is there artificial color added to the pink? Are there two different types of guava one white, one pink? Guess what, I don't care. It's all delicious. Guava is very close to the top on my list of favorite fruits, and I've never met a juice of it that I did not like.

This is really nice because it's not just guava juice, but guava pulp. It's thick and has the teeniest, tiniest little chunks of fruit in it. The only thing that I could think of that might make this better would be if there wasn't any added extra sugar in it. Maybe that's just me being a fan of pure fruit juice though.

Website
http://www.aitco-best.com
Country
Egypt
Sweetener
Sugar
Categories
Juice
Rating
4/5
Reviewed By
Jason Draper on 11/23/2011
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