Neilson French Vanilla

Neilson French Vanilla

Living in Alaska is hard work. Sure, you've got a Between The Buried And Me record named after you, but aside from that it's snow. Year in. Year out. Day in. Day out. Snow. There is a little time you can see the green grass, but it's probably muddy. You never know the pleasure of not wearing a coat or shorts unless you have irresponsible parents. One thing that you "earn" is the ability to crave ice cream. Most people have warm weather that needs cool treats to make the temperature bearable. You have cold year round, so there is no better time than now for ice cream. Honestly, you might eat ice cream to warm you up on certain days.

If you live in the frigid parts of Canada and can identify with the previously mentioned sentiments, go to your local shoppe and buy this cool milkshake. French vanilla is an ice cream that I don't really care about unless there are fun fixins on it like fudge, jimmies, and a cherry. If you like the plain vanilla then this drink is right up your alley. Look, we can't get high quality milkshakes everywhere all the time. Sometimes we need to get off our high horse, or in your case, your average sized snowmobile that is probably pretty bitchin' and drink this "everyman's" milkshake. It's thick. It's sweet. It tastes remarkably like french vanilla. It's frothy and is nice to shake and shake and shake after every sip.

Alaska might be a nice place. I might like it. Northern Canada might be a nice place. I have dealt with enough cold to not have to subject myself to more of it. I recommend people in these two places take a little vacation to somewhere with sun where they can shed their coats, pants, and extra socks. Feel the sand between your pale, white toes. Let the sun hit your hatted head.

Website
http://www.saputo.com
Country
Canada
Sweetener
Sugar
Categories
Milkshake
Rating
3/5
Reviewed By
Mike Literman on February 3rd, 2012
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Jones 24c Tropical Citrus

Jones 24c Tropical Citrus

Let me start off by saying that I found this drink at Big Lots. Not only that, but it was also on clearance. Something on mark down at a discount store generally means that this product has been discontinued. After a quick check I see that it is listed in the "Retired Products” section on the Jones website. I wonder how old this is. There’s no expiration date to be found on it. I don’t blame them for discontinuing it. It’s not very memorable. It’s basically Jones’ version of the Energy flavored Vitamin Water, except it doesn’t taste as strong, or as good. There is no specific citrus flavor to it. It’s just nondescript tropical citrus. It’s a water drink, so I don’t expect the flavor to be very strong, but the problem with this is unlike Vitamin Water you can taste the vitamin undertones in it. Vitamins don’t exactly taste wonderful, so that’s kind of a deal breaker. With so many other vitamin based drinks on the market these days this beverage falls short. Jones, I’ve tried a bunch of your products, and I have to say, stick with what you know…soda pop.

Website
http://www.jonessoda.com
Country
Canada
Sweetener
Inverted Cane Sugar
Categories
Sports/Dietary Supplement
Rating
2/5
Reviewed By
Jason Draper on March 7th, 2012
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Clearly Canadian Daily Energy Pink Grapefruit

Clearly Canadian Daily Energy Pink Grapefruit

Snotty people eat grapefruits. They sit there with their silver spoons and carve away at the softball sized fruit and add their low calorie sugar and have themselves a little treat. They do this before their polo matches and tennis lessons, and lobster dinners. They do it before their trips to Paris, trips to the Bentley showroom, and trips to the bank where they deposit millions of dollars bi-weekly. Rich people. They live such a difficult job. Well guess what fellow schmos? I've got a secret that the rich people don't know about.

Inside this bottle of Clearly Canadian is pink grapefruit. Sure, there are a lot of chemicals, too, but being poor, we can handle it. We weren't fed organic, free range, farm raised chickens or massaged, sake fed cows. We were fed McDonald's. A lot. We can take chemicals, dirt, pesticides, lead, or whatever you throw at us, as long as it doesn't require us to see a doctor because health care is expensive. This drink, as far as I know and remember from the limited times I have had an actual grapefruit, tastes a lot like grapefruit. The sugar, albeit artificial, actually enhances the flavor to a point where even I, a previous disliker of the fruit, really like this drink. It's light enough that you, like I, can drink an entire bottle, regardless of its statement of 2.5 servings.

General public and not those who drive cars that are worth more than houses hundreds of thousands of dollars more than our houses, this is the drink that levels the playing field. If they find out about this, they don't have anything anymore. They don't have anything except for their 152 foot yachts, columned houses, argyle cashmere golf club covers, gold Rolex President watches, cars with umbrellas in the doors, and a couple other things. We're catching up.

Website
http://www.clearlycanadianbrands.ca/
Country
Canada
Sweetener
Crystalline Fructose
Categories
Energy Drink, Sports/Dietary Supplement
Rating
4/5
Reviewed By
Mike Literman on March 15th, 2012
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Cplus Orange

Cplus Orange

A Eulogy.

Back in the year 2000 I became aware of a glorious place that existed a mere hour and half north of my in the magical land of Toronto. If one were to venture to the corner of Queen and Spadina on any given day (including holidays) one would find the source of much joy in this world. No I’m not talking about the bank, or the McDonalds. I am referring to the small hot dog cart that has sat there for many years. You might say, well that’s not anything special. I would reply that this cart has incredible veggie dogs. You may say well okay that’s a little special, but so do a lot of other carts in the greater Toronto area. My response would be but do any of those other carts boast to have over 50 condiments? I think not. A group of brave Buffalonians named this cart and it’s cook “50 Toppings Guy.” You would be surprised at how many condiments you can actually fit on a hot dog. I’ve broken 20 on several occasions. The most important of all of the toppings is the often sought after corn relish. It is a true delicacy that the world needs to be educated about. So yes for years my friends and I would eat multiple dogs from this great establishment every time we were in Toronto (which is way more often then you would expect. There were times in the middle of the night when we would be getting hungry so we would just make the drive for hot dogs and nothing else (oh yes the stand is open 24/7). Those were the days when gas was under $1.50/gallon. With every order I placed at that awesomely dirty stand I also got a can of Cplus orange soda. Nothing compliments hot dogs better than a nice orange soda, and it doesn’t get much better than Cplus. The secret to this soda is that it actually has orange juice in it, which makes it actually taste like oranges and not some weird mixture that kids are taught orange tastes like. Over the years I must have downed well over a pallet of these cans. You see it’s not available in the US so I would get my treats in while I could.

Sadly the dark ages moved in. A large company bought out almost all of the hot dog carts in the city. “50 Toppings Guy’ held strong and what followed was the Great Hot Dog War of 2007. (that may actually not be the correct year). A cart right around the corner and the lord and savior of condiments went toe to toe. The competition had the money so they lowered their prices to try and drive “FTG” out of business. He fired back with even cheaper prices. There was a point where you could get a dog for a loonie. It was a good day for consumers, but a dark time for our hero. Eventually condiments started to disappear. He simply couldn’t afford to keep them in stock with his lowered prices. After a valiant fight 50 Toppings Guy gave in and sold his cart. A cart still stands at that location, but it’s not the same. They did keep the corn relish though, so every time I’m in the land of Toronto I still eat a hot dog in memory of the ghost of a true Canadian hero.

Today I set up my grill for the year and cooked myself a round of veggie dogs. I’ve been saving this can since November, waiting for the perfect day to crack it open. Today as we mourn the loss of the greatest hot dog slinger to ever exist I urge you to raise a can of Cplus in his memory. You’ll never find an orange soda as this, or hot dogs as good as his.

Website
http://www.sunkistsoda.com/
Country
Canada
Sweetener
Sugar/Glucose-Fructose
Categories
Soda Pop
Rating
4/5
Reviewed By
Jason Draper on March 17th, 2012
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Buy Now
Cplus Orange Soda From Canada

Pop Shoppe Lime Ricky

Pop Shoppe Lime Ricky

Ricky was a boy who knew what he liked, and what he liked was limes. He had him mom buy limes by the bushel. He would put them on and in everything he ate. I’m not kidding the kid put limes on his PB&J. It was completely disgusting, but he loved it. Did I mention that Ricky was Canadian? Well he is, which means he also put limejuice on his poutine. If you ask me I think perhaps Ricky had an early life stroke that affected his sense of taste. I’m no doctor, but I see no other explanation for his love of limes.

Ricky’s mom worked in Burlington, Ontario at The Pop Shoppe factory. It was her job to make soda pop day in and day out. For Ricky’s birthday she wanted to do something special for him, so she convinced her foreman to make a lime soda and call it Lime Ricky in honor of her son. He was something of a local oddity so why not celebrate his insane taste buds? It was essentially their lemon lime soda, but without the lemon and double the lime. It was a bit more like lime candy than the fruit, but it all fell under the umbrella of Ricky’s love. The foreman was actually impressed with the taste of the soda, so he decided to make this limited edition pop part of their regular line. Lime Ricky you are a very special boy and I hope you enjoy your birthday present to the world.

Website
http://www.thepopshoppe.com/
Country
Canada
Sweetener
High Fructose Corn Syrup
Categories
Soda Pop
Rating
3/5
Reviewed By
Jason Draper on March 20th, 2012
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Jones 24c Strawberry Lemonade

Jones 24c Strawberry Lemonade

It’s hot, I mean unnaturally hot for this time of year, and you’ve been cruising around like a jackass on your longboard all afternoon. Earlier you got a double iced ristretto venti nonfat organic chocolate brownie Frappuccino from the Starbucks on campus but for some reason something with such a stupid name just didn’t refresh you like you wanted it to. You really need something to cool you down, but you blew the last of your money on the sweetest visor you have ever seen at the local “skate shop.” Well at one point in the past it was a skate shop, but now it’s really just a stupid clothing boutique, but they still have a couple killer longboards in the window. You were just about resigned to give up on your day and head home and drink whatever beer you could find stashed in other kids dorm rooms, when you decided to take a shortcut behind the mini mart that sells beer to underage kids. As you were holding your breath to ride passed the dumpster that smells like it contains the corpses of at least eleven different types of mammals, you noticed a case of drinks sitting by the back door. The turd who worked the counter made fun of you last week for buying Zima and Skittles so screw him you’re just going to steal a couple of bottles. You grabbed a handful of the drinks and shoved them in every pocket that your cargo shorts had to offer. Then you reached down to grab one for the road. You really showed the proprietors of that store, stealing drinks they had out by the dumpster. That will show them to laugh at your alcoholic beverage choices. As you turned out of the alley onto the regular road you cracked open the bottle of Jones 24c Strawberry Lemonade. It looked like it was your lucky day, nothing beats the heat that a nice bottle of lemonade. You gulped a huge mouthful and promptly fell flat on your face. It could have been the pebble that stopped the wheel of your longboard, or it could have been the distinct feeling that something was not quite right with the lemonade. Actually you instantly decided that whoever decided to call it lemonade should be fired. Not only did it not contain a single drop of lemon juice, but it also didn’t taste like they even tried to fake it. Now that you think about it, it didn’t even really taste like strawberries either. It just tasted like a generic fruit flavored fake Vitamin Water. Something was also very off with the taste. Originally you thought that it might have been the sweetener, but after realizing that it was made with cane sugar, you decided it was either the vitamins that had been added, or the drink had simply gone bad. All of these thoughts swam through your head as you stared down at your new visor that was now swimming in a mud puddle. Suddenly a moment of pure enlightenment washed over you. Whether it was spoiled or this was just the way it tasted this drink had been where it belonged out by the dumpster. Also, you are a complete douche bag and “longboard is the wrong board” bro.

Website
http://www.jonessoda.com
Country
Canada
Sweetener
Inverted Cane Sugar
Categories
Lemonade, Sports/Dietary Supplement
Rating
2/5
Reviewed By
Jason Draper on March 27th, 2012
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Jones 24c Cranberry Apple

Jones 24c Cranberry Apple

Why on Earth do all of these drinks taste like they have some sort of artificial sugar in them when they are actually sweetened with inverted cane sugar? I think they might actual be decent vitamin based water drinks, but nope something just tastes wrong in all three flavors I’ve reviewed. As I’ve said in the past it may just be that they don’t do a very good job of disguising the taste of the ridiculous vitamins and minerals and dirt and stones that are in the drink. I can tell you that I taste approximately zero apple and very minimal cranberry in here. It has a general quasi fruit flavor that seems like it will be good for you because of the off flavor. I wouldn’t purchase this again. I also wouldn’t advise that you do either with so many other companies doing a similar thing that taste much better.

Website
http://www.jonessoda.com
Country
Canada
Sweetener
Inverted Cane Sugar
Categories
Sports/Dietary Supplement
Rating
2/5
Reviewed By
Jason Draper on April 10th, 2012
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Jones Soda Candy Cane

Jones Soda Candy Cane

You've never eaten lunch and wanted to talk to a pretty girl? Why? That would be because you're mouth tastes and smells like Jamaican jerk turkey burger with Cajun mayo. If you were to audaciously walk up to the first pretty girl you saw and kissed her on the lips, she would never reciprocate because it's a stranger with a beard, and she was never a fan of dudes with beards. She would also think that you had horrid breath that tastes like a burger and that's nothing anyone wants to be shocked with. If someone shoved a cookie in your mouth to awaken you, well that’s another story. Maybe if someone woke you up by feeding you pudding that would be awesome, too. If you were sleeping and I crammed a highly seasoned burger in your mouth, I would expect no less than a punch square in the mouth. That's where this pop comes into place. Rewind...

You're eating a deliciously highly seasoned burger. You take your last bite and sit back in your chair and are satisfied. That restaurant always has great food and that burger was no different. You ordered a candy cane pop to warsh it all down and wash it down it does. Sure, it's a little strange because who wants to eat a Starlight mint after every bite? It's actually more like if you had carbonated water and marinated a candy cane in it, so for honest, true titling of a product, you would be spot on with this pop.

Your burger is gone and you've taken a nice swig of that pop and here she comes, a beautiful girl. Full figured. Bam and bam. Top and bottom. Bam. You're going to kiss this girl. You wipe your mouth because you don't want to leave her with a spicy mayo aftermath. You're already invading her personal space and might get smacked so you want it to go as best as you can. You've still got a beard but there's nothing you can do in the allotted time. You're going for it. You stand up and walk towards her and kiss her. You kiss her right on the lips. She kisses back. It's amazing because you really expected to get kneed in the groin. You both psychically decided to leave it at that and walk in opposite directions. What a day. What a burger. What a girl. What a kiss. What a pop.

Website
http://www.jonessoda.com
Country
Canada
Sweetener
Inverted Cane Sugar
Categories
Soda Pop
Rating
3/5
Reviewed By
Mike Literman on April 16th, 2012
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Buy Now
Jones Holiday Gift Pack Soda 4 Pack 2011 Candy Cane, Ginger Bread, Sugar Plum, Pear Tree

Elliott's Amazing All Natural Apple Cherry Berry

Elliott's Amazing All Natural Apple Cherry Berry

Everywhere Elliott went everyone constantly told him how amazing he was. It was as if he could do no wrong in the eyes of his peers. Things weren’t always this way, it all stemmed back to a couple of years ago when he went to Coney Island, before they tore it down, and made a wish on the Zoltar fortune telling machine. Why he was asked to make a wish by a machine that was supposed to tell him is fortune is something that never quite sat right with Elliott, but who was he to argue with the results? Since then everything has been coming up Milhouse….err I mean Elliott.

Elliott had always loved juice, and when he could afford it he would make his own with fresh produce from the grocer. At a family party he served some of his newest concoction (apple, cherry and strawberry juice) to his sisters husband, who just happened to be a very rich and powerful man. Do you know what he said? He exclaimed, “Elliott like you this juice is amazing! The flavors are so smooth, yet present! The cherry/strawberry combo makes it taste like you mixed the flavoring from a Fruit Roll-Up with good quality apple juice!” He then whipped out his checkbook and wrote Elliott a blank check to start a company to mass-produce the juice, along with other flavors.

It’s now been a year since that party and things have been going great. Elliot’s juice line has expanded and everyone says it’s amazing, so much so that he decided to name the company “Elliott’s Amazing.” The only fear that Elliott has is that the FDA is going to tighten up their restrictions and come down on him for saying his juice is “all natural” when it is sweetened with high fructose corn syrup. It’s only a small worry though, as he’s sure that if he gives them a bottle they will look at him and shout, “Elliott, you’re amazing!” and then give him a pass.

Website
http://www.elliottsamazing.com/
Country
Canada
Sweetener
High Fructose Corn Syrup
Categories
Juice
Rating
4/5
Reviewed By
Jason Draper on April 25th, 2012
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Fresh Pure Pomegranate

Fresh Pure Pomegranate

It’s now time for another installment of how stupid Jay can be with drinks. I took this beverage with me to see some bands play at a house show the other night. Buffalo has a long tradition of house shows, and I’m glad it’s still going strong. So there I am watching bands, hanging out with friends and occasionally taking pulls from my juice while most other people are downing beers. I was fine with the juice; it wasn’t spectacular but it was exactly what I expected from a cranberry juice that was sweetened with cane sugar. By the end of the show I had drunk about ¾ of the bottle and decided to hold off on the rest until I was home and could resample it to write my review.

Cut to now where I am sitting at my desk about to write a review for some decent cranberry juice. I give it to my ladyfriend so she can give it a little taste, and she says, “Wow that’s some sweet pomegranate.” I reply with, “No, no, no it’s cranberry not pomegranate.” At which point she simply points at the label and I feel like a complete fool. She was right it is pomegranate and I am once again playing the roll of the idiot. I’ve often thought that pomegranate and cranberries were closely related in the fruit family tree, but I never would have thought I would have confused them. When I grabbed it out of my fridge that day I had cranberries on my mind, so I thought that is what this was. The inclusion of apple juice in the ingredients helped me along. Everyone’s heard of cranapple, but who has ever heard of pomapple? If they want to make a drink that sounds cool they should make a cranagranate. I would buy that on name alone. So yes I thought it was cranberry juice, but as soon as I took a sip after I knew I was wrong, all I could taste was strong, very sweet pom. This is the kind of drink that could get kids into pomegranate. Sure it could benefit from not being made from a concentrate, but that would make it cost way more, and it’s only 99 cents, which is rad. At least they used cane sugar and not HFCS.

Country
Canada
Sweetener
Cane Sugar
Categories
Juice
Rating
3/5
Reviewed By
Jason Draper on May 6th, 2012
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