Hype Energy Organic

Hype Energy Organic

Being a Hype Man is no easy job, but what can you do? I was born a Hype Man and I’ll die a Hype Man. My mother tells me she met my father at a concert in the 80s. When I was younger she always led me to believe that my father was Grandmaster Flash, but years later it came out that while she was aiming for The Flash, she settled for Creole, the original Hype Man. Once I learned the true identity of my dad I became obsessed with becoming a Hype Man myself. I went so far as to pitch a reality show to VH1 that would star Flavor Flav, just so I could get a chance to meet him and ask him to mentor me. Needless to say, it worked. I spent years learning the tricks of the trade from “the clocked one.”

Finally after two decades of grueling dedication I am the prime Hype Man for a rapper. For legal reasons I can’t divulge whom in fact I’m hyping until I make my stage debut, but you would be shocked and awed. We’ve run through the routine a million times, but I still get nervous. When I called Flav for some words of encouragement he hipped me to this drink. It really is shocking that for how he is obsessed with organic food, even though he put just about every drug into his system. He won’t even drink a Red Bull now. He claims this drink gives Hype Men the energy they need in a healthier way and it tastes rather unique. I have to agree with him. It tastes like someone liquefied a whole mess of Double Bubble Gum and mixed it with some apple juice (and a little bit of that energy drink flavor). It may sound gross, but it’s actually quite delicious. If this was the first energy drink I ever tried I would probably initially think it was gross, but being well versed in the flavor this is a great change of pace. It doesn’t taste very chemical, and when it’s ice cold it’s a nice shock to your taste buds. Best of all is it doesn’t have that chemical energy drinkness to it.

The crowd is getting restless. They need me. Me! I must go out and pump them up and add my little exclamations and interjections to my boss’s raps. The world isn’t ready for me with the little extra Hype I got from this energy drink.

Website
http://www.hype.com/
Country
Canada
Sweetener
Organic Cane Juice
Categories
Energy Drink
Rating
4/5
Reviewed By
Jason Draper on August 1st, 2012
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Chubby Crash'N Cream

Chubby Crash'N Cream

This little guy has been staring me in the eye every time I open my cupboard for about a year now. It’s like he’s just been daring me to taste his awfulness. I don’t even remember where he came from, Mike probably…the bastard. I’d like to imagine that he was summoned forth like some sort of drink demon to ruin my day. You may say, “Hey it’s just soda pop in a cute little bottle.” If you utter those words to me I will tell you that A. Cream soda should not be green. B. No soda should be green. It just means that added food coloring to make it wacky. C. Soda that comes in such a small container can be nothing but overly sweetened to the point where It will instantly erode your teeth and give you a terrible stomach ache.

I’m sick of looking at this. I’m sick of being afraid. Today I face my fears and try the dreaded “Chubby” (phrasing).

Oh my god it may be worse than expected. I opened up the bottle and it smelled like a nice pleasant cream soda. I thought to myself, “Hey maybe this actually won’t be so bad. Maybe you’ve just been paranoid.” Then I took a sip and realized the demon had tricked me into taking a large gulp of his poison. It tastes solely like sweetener, with the faintest, faintest hint of vanilla. It has sugar and/or glucose fructose plus sucralose. You can taste it all battling out inside of your mouth, and no matter who the victor is it will not be your taste buds. Damn you Chubby!

Website
http://www.chubbysd.com/chubby%20files/chubby.htm
Country
Canada
Sweetener
Sugar/Glucose-Fructose
Categories
Soda Pop
Rating
1/5
Reviewed By
Jason Draper on August 4th, 2012
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Jones Soda The Orange Cola

Jones Soda The Orange Cola

Sometimes you find yourself taking a picture of some animal that is either a donkey or a antler-less moose standing in water at dusk. I think it’s safe to say that if you ever find yourself in that position, things are going pretty good for you. Things are also going pretty good for you if you’re sipping on a bottle of this soda.

Jones has so many flavors that I don’t even know about. I had no idea they even made an orange cola until it showed up (with the lemon lime) at our local Big Lots. I was intrigued as the only orange cola I have previously had is Mezzo Mix, and I love the stuff.

The Jones version doesn’t have as much orange as Mezzo Mix, but I’m okay with that. IT tastes like they took their normal cola (which leaves a little to be desired) and added just a bit of orange. You can definitely taste the orange, but the cola is the main force here. I like it. I love it. I want more of it.

Website
http://www.jonessoda.com
Country
Canada
Sweetener
Inverted Cane Sugar
Categories
Soda Pop
Rating
4/5
Reviewed By
Jason Draper on August 16th, 2012
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Jones Soda Sugar-Free Cola

Jones Soda Sugar-Free Cola

Remember when Jones came out and you thought to yourself, "Green apple pop?! Woah!" Now, look, they've still got strange, fun flavors, those crazy Canadians, but you've got to pay the bills. Diet cola sells and people love the stuff. Even for a company that prides themselves on using pure cane sugar, they can't do that unless they make a super weak, odd tasting pop. Dry does it, but they're good at it and that's their thing.

This, and you shouldn't be surprised, just tastes like a diet cola. It has an alright cola taste but is still diet. I might say that this is a titch (scientific term) better than diet Pepsi. I'm not hating; just doing a poor comparison. I'm not a hater. I'm cynical, but I'm no hater. 'Nuff respect, Pepsi. Let these guys do what they do.

Website
http://www.jonessoda.com
Country
Canada
Sweetener
Sucralose
Categories
Diet, Soda Pop
Rating
2/5
Reviewed By
Mike Literman on August 23rd, 2012
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Jones Soda Sugar Free Cola, 20-Ounces (Pack of 24)

Jones Soda Green Apple (Eldritch Blast)

Jones Soda Green Apple (Eldritch Blast)

I don’t know if I can properly express Mike’s disappointment in the Jones Dungeons & Dragons line. It crushed the man. He saw an ad that Jones was releasing this line, and he jumped on it. He ordered us the whole series, and spent a pretty penny doing it. In his mind the new flavors were out of this world and from an older time, some would say a simpler time. Others would say it sucked because you were always worried about dragons or orcs attacking you. One thing that no one would argue about was that the beverages back then were way different. The day finally came when the package arrived. Mike opened it up and said some expletive or another. You see the ad listed the flavors as things such as “Sneak Attack,” “Potion of Healing” and “Eldritch Blast.” What it didn’t tell you was that these were just the normal Jones flavors with new wacky names (Cream Soda, Blackberry and Green Apple). Mike was so upset that after we divided the flavors between us it took him nearly six months to review even one, and that was under duress. I feel for him. No one likes disappointment, especially when it comes in the way of sodas you were super stoked on.

What is an Eldritch Blast anyways? I thought it was some sort of creature, as I have no idea what the being on the label is. I Googled it and eldritch just means strange or spooky. I guess that it makes sense as Jones was able to make a green apple soda that actually tastes like pop and not like someone put a handful of Jolly Ranchers in a cup and then microwaved them for two hours. Sure, it’s sweet as hell, but underneath the sugar it actually tastes like a nice sour apple and not just candy. This is the first soda I’ve ever had that has done this properly. I hope that makes up for some of Mike’s sadness. I know it won’t but a man can dream. Actually if I’m dreaming I should probably be dreaming bigger, like say Mike won a contest when he ordered these lies of soda and he’s getting one of those fancy cars that he loves and 25 pachinko machines to annoy his “live in” girlfriend. Now there’s a dream.

Website
http://www.jonessoda.com
Country
Canada
Sweetener
Inverted Cane Sugar
Categories
Soda Pop
Rating
3/5
Reviewed By
Jason Draper on August 24th, 2012
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Buy Now
Jones, Soda Green Apple, 12-Fluid Ounce (24 Pack)

Tim Horton's Iced Cappuccino Mint Chocolate

Tim Horton's Iced Cappuccino Mint Chocolate

Well this is something different. I don't drink hot coffee. I just don't. I get gimmicky drinks when I go to coffee shops as you can probably tell with my copious amount of Frappuccino and Coolatta reviews. This iced cappuccino is no different. It's a frothy, foamy, iced coffee drink. Also, the fact that it's chocolate mint screams, "not legitimate coffee." Back to something different. What's different is that I bought one today (pictured) and it is currently and by the time you read this, was disgusting. I will describe that in detail and then describe all the other ones that I've had.

I woke up, felt fine, but didn't have time for a proper breakfast so I got little doughnut holes AKA "timbits." While I was there, I thought it would be a good time to get a little drink for myself to review/enjoy. A nice woman with a not so nice crustache took my order and delivered to me the worst iced cappuccino I've ever had. I don't need to tell you that I don't drink so I am basing this off assumption but this drink tastes like someone pulled the old teaspoon/tablespoon mixup and put way too much creme de menthe in this because it tastes borderline alcoholic in it's concentrated mintitude (not a word).

All other ones that I have had are a nice blend of chocolate and mint and I don't need to drink from the top in hopes to avoid the mint disaster that is sleeping at the bottom. It's a good, refreshing drink that I enjoy getting on rare occasions. I also only get a small and I never get the "supreme" option, which is like the top trim of a car. Whipped cream and chocolate and caramel syrup. Oh, it looks great and nothing looked sadder than the drink that I received today, all naked in a clear cup, but I don't need/want those extra calories and it's honestly aesthetic unless you really have an affinity for whipped cream. I might save myself more extra calories by throwing this in, what the British call, "the bin."

Website
http://www.timhortons.com
Country
Canada
Sweetener
Not Listed
Categories
Coffee
Rating
3/5
Reviewed By
Mike Literman on September 11th, 2012
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Jones Soda Pear Tree

Jones Soda Pear Tree

Margaret had a problem with her neighbor. Well it really wasn’t her neighbor that was the problem; she was a sweet old lady. Her problem was that there wasn’t a fence between their houses and in her neighbor’s backyard there was an old pear tree. Early in the season it was great. It was a lovely looking tree and the air around it always has a soft smell of pears. As late summer (and ultimately fall) set in is when things turned poor. You see the old lady neighbor didn’t go out much because of her age and all of the pears would fall to the ground where they would begin to rot. The smell was kind of bad, but even though there was a slight scent of decay, the smell of the pears overwhelmed it. The true problem was that the rotting pears attracted armies of bees. You see Margaret had a small British looking boy that she liked to dress up as Charlie Brown to fulfill some sadistic need. When she would bring him out back to play, as soon as she looked way he always bee-lined (all puns intended) towards the tree. She always caught up to him in time, but she knew one day she wouldn’t be fast enough and it would be sting city for her little comic character brought to life.

She knew the neighbor really wasn’t fit to do anything about it so Margaret decided to clean up the pears herself this year before they began to rot. She made some pies, canned a few, but there were still mountains left over. Eventually she decided to try and make some pear soda. Since she didn’t really know what she was doing to she pleased with the way it turned out, even though it tasted a bit off, and not really like pears. She somehow managed to do to her pear soda what sour green apple candy flavoring has been doing to candy for years. It was sweet, yet slightly sour and only vaguely tasting of pears. It wasn’t great, but it was better than expected. She made up a few cases (you seriously can’t believe how many pears this tree produced) and saved them up for the holidays. You see her husband ran a soda company and his name was…wait for the reveal…Thomas Ezekiel Jones. DUM DUM DUM

Website
http://www.jonessoda.com
Country
Canada
Sweetener
Inverted Cane Sugar
Categories
Soda Pop
Rating
2/5
Reviewed By
Jason Draper on September 14th, 2012
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Buy Now
Jones Holiday Gift Pack Soda 4 Pack 2011 Candy Cane, Ginger Bread, Sugar Plum, Pear Tree

Jones Soda Red Apple

Jones Soda Red Apple

Rumor has it that it's been a rough year for apples. It was a blisteringly hot summer and that's not good for any sort of trees, plants, fruits, vegetables, and everything in-between. I assume the orchards aren't just throwing away bushels of lesser quality apples. I hope that there will be an influx of apple goods like apple cider, apple donuts, apple bread, something. I like apples. I like certain apples more than other but I like them all. Apple juice is good but companies as of late have been really nailing that apple flavor and not just apple flavoring things.

This pop is apple. Red apple. Not apple flavored. It says "natural and artificial flavors" but I'm thinking that's a misprint. It's a really good flavor. It's sweet but it's pop. If you've had Jones before they are a little guilty of over sweetening their pop. It's real sugar though so over sweetening with cane sugar versus artificial sweetener, in my opinion, is way more drinkable. I'm just saying they could cut back a bit.

Autumn, apples, cider, hoodies; it's all happening now, for a limited time. Fall is a short season because you take summer for every day but as soon as snow hits, it's mentally winter. That's the frigidly cold truth. I'm not telling lies over here, just truths.

Website
http://www.jonessoda.com
Country
Canada
Sweetener
Inverted Cane Sugar
Categories
Soda Pop
Rating
4/5
Reviewed By
Mike Literman on October 26th, 2012
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True Blue Wild Blueberry & Blackberry

True Blue Wild Blueberry & Blackberry

Since I don’t watch Canadian television much I’m not sure if this has happened or not, but it really should. Picture this: a fade in with some synth bass and a drum machine playing in the background. The scene is young women’s bedroom and she’s laying in her bed wearing a ripped up shirt and way too much jewelry. As it pans in we realize that it’s Madonna (well a 1986 Madonna look alike) and she’s getting frustrated playing around with a keyboard and sheets of music and lyrics litter the room. She just can’t seem to write her next big hit. She decides she needs to take a break so she goes over to the fridge and pulls out a bottle of juice. She takes a sip and inspiration hits her. Just like that. She runs over to her bed aka workstation with a big goofy grin and starts working feverishly. By the end she’s playing along and singing with the song that has been playing in the background and just as it gets to the end of the chorus and she sings the line “True Blue baby I love you,” the camera zooms in on the now mostly finished bottle of juice on her nightstand. It doesn’t get better than that ladies and gentlemen. You get one hell of a song, one hell of a drink and a nice 80’s throwback that all the kids are raving about these days.

I know what you’re thinking and yes I am available to write ads for you as well, just get a hold of my agent. Oh, that’s not what you were thinking at all? You actually want to know what the juice tastes like? Well, it certainly tastes blue, with a little purple in the mix. You see True Blue went a bit out of their color spectrum and used grape juice as filler in this drink. You can really taste both the blue and blackberries in this, but the taste of grape is always lingering in the background. I have no problem with that uninvited little fruit. It’s actually kind of nice. It’s also not as sweet as you would expect it to be. There is still 29g of sugar in this, but it doesn’t taste that sweet. It’s always a nice treat to not have an overly sweetened juice. Oh and if you spill any of this on a carpet or a couch, forget about ever getting it out. This blue is true and is staining forever.

Website
http://www.leadingbrandsinc.com/
Country
Canada
Sweetener
Sugar
Categories
Juice
Rating
4/5
Reviewed By
Jason Draper on October 28th, 2012
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Buy Now
True Blue True Blue Blackberry Juice (8/46 OZ)

Grace Island Soda Cream Soda

Grace Island Soda Cream Soda

You know what I hate? I hate when people get perfume in my pop. I absolutely hate it. I often leave open bottles of pop on the floor at grandmother’s homes and you know how grandmas are. They spray that perfume on with a Super Soaker before raging at the Bingo parlor, just gallon after gallon of lavender and Chanel No. 5.

I must have accidentally left this bottle open at everyone's grandmother's house in Western New York before I drank it because this drink tastes like a slew of different old women. It was a lot like the Pakola Ice Cream pop that we drank many moons ago. It tastes nothing like you would expect and everything like you don't want. Not a strong sales approach.

Website
http://www.gracefoods.com
Country
Canada
Sweetener
Sugar
Categories
Soda Pop
Rating
2/5
Reviewed By
Mike Literman on November 1st, 2012
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