Caravelle Basil Seed with Honey

Caravelle Basil Seed with Honey

"That tastes like boring cereal!" That was our friend Dan's first response to trying this. He was totally right, but that's not all it tastes like. It's like someone got out their old pestle and mortar and ground up a handful of banana Runts into a fine powder. Then they used the self same tool and ground up a big ole box of Kix cereal. They made sure to mix it all together for consistencies sake and then dumped it in to some honey sweetened water. That's it. Oh wait no it's not. How could I have forgotten the hundreds of floating little amoeba looking chunks in the bottle? The manufacturer says they are basil seeds, but the weird slimy coating on them leads me to believe that they are in fact TADPOLE EGGS! Okay, I know they aren't really, but they really do look like them. It looks like tadpole eggs floating in the urine of someone who takes a lot of vitamins. It’s a nice rich yellow color. It's unfortunate for the Caravelle company and myself that I like neither Kix nor bananas.

Country
Thailand
Sweetener
Fructose Syrup
Categories
Chunky, Other/Weird
Rating
1/5
Reviewed By
Jason Draper on January 25th, 2011
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Young Energy Source Plum Juice Drink

Young Energy Source Plum Juice Drink

Shit Sandwich.

Country
Taiwan
Sweetener
Fructose
Categories
Juice
Rating
1/5
Reviewed By
Jason Draper on January 30th, 2011
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Fentimans Shandy

Fentimans Shandy

I almost didn't buy this drink because the first ingredient is "beer 70%". I have never drunk a drop of beer in my life. The smell of it disgusts me, plus I don't drink alcoholic beverages. But after consulting with my fellow Thirsty Dudes, I was reassured that this is completely safe to drink since like other Fentiman's drinks it had less than .05% alcohol.

After doing some research, I found out that shandy is traditionally a beer mixed with citrus-flavored soda, carbonated lemonade, ginger beer, ginger ale, or cider. This has lemon juice in it so I'm assuming it's the carbonated lemonade variety, minus the alcohol of course. Upon opening it, it definitely had a beer like smell to it. Not as strong as normal beer though.

The taste? Gross, plain and simple. It's like malted lemonade. I don't understand why anyone would drink this. Hopefully one of my housemates wants the rest of this bottle because I won't be drinking any more of it.

Website
http://www.drinkfentimans.com
Country
England
Sweetener
Granulated Sugar
Categories
Other/Weird
Rating
1/5
Reviewed By
Derek Neuland on February 5th, 2011
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Fentimans Shandy Soda - 9.3 oz Bottle
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Buy at SpecialtySodas.com

Foco Aloe Vera Drink Mixed Berry Flavor

Foco Aloe Vera Drink Mixed Berry Flavor

Foco...come on. This is gross. It's so thick and syrupy. Dude, it's gross. It tastes diet but it most certainly isn't. It's somehow clear, regardless of how many colorful berries are on the can. It tastes like someone made aloe in cans that had a ton of soap residue on them. This might be the worst aloe I've ever had. I don't know what else to say. Thumbs down, Foco. There is no reason why a "regular" drink should get a one out of five review. I guess in those regards, you won. Congratulations?

Website
http://www.thaiagri.com
Country
Thailand
Sweetener
Sugar
Categories
Aloe Vera, Chunky
Rating
1/5
Reviewed By
Mike Literman on February 9th, 2011
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Wonderfarm Sour Plum

Wonderfarm Sour Plum

Plums? Prunes? Who cares? This stuff is rough. Rough like the seas that took down so many of our Viking brethren. Brethren. Remember how awesome it was when Hey Mercedes used the phrase "uniformed brethren" and you thought to yourself, "Woah, what a good use of that term." Is that me patting myself on the back for using words? Possibly, it's not the point. I am neither a genius nor a scholar. I don't read books and I do not partake in even the finest of wines. Parts of me wish that I would after drinking this near abomination.

Where to start? Well, first sip seems like a good place. It was gross. I asked myself in ever stage, "What's this in the middle?" and favorites like, "What's happening at the end?" The more you drink, the better it gets, but that's not to say that it's ever good or even drinkable. Between three people and two additional "sippers" there is still easily half a can of this stuff left. If you take a couple sips your mouth masks the grossness a couple percentage points and you find the prune/plum but it's not how you want it to taste. It's a tiny bit fruity, wildly bitter, and mostly undrinkable.

Website
http://www.wonderfarmonline.com/
Country
Malaysia
Sweetener
Sugar
Categories
Juice
Rating
1/5
Reviewed By
Mike Literman on February 22nd, 2011
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DeDe Longan Drink

DeDe Longan Drink

It takes a lot for a drink to gross me out. I didn't know what longan was before I bought this, but I assumed it was a fruit. When I picked up the bottle, I noticed that there were big chunks of something floating inside. Then, I noticed on the ingredients list the following: Longan Meat (2.0%). My vegan instinct kicked in at the sight of meat on the label and freaked me out a little. The floating stuff did have a meat look to it as well. Luckily I was right, and longan is a fruit grown on a tree of the same name in South and Southeast Asia.

Upon opening it, I couldn't help but to smell it first. After drinking some nasty stuff over the years, it's instinct. The smell was something I have encountered many times, but never in a drink. If you guessed really dirty socks, then you are correct. How they managed to bottle the smell of dirty socks I will never know. A couple of my housemates said it smelled like dates or prunes to them, but I didn't get that at all.

To prepare for potentially getting a mouthful of dirty socks, I took the first sip over a sink. Luckily (or unfortunately depending on how you feel about drinks making you puke) it tasted better than it smelled to me. The taste can be summed up in two words: liquid raisins. I don't hate raisins, but I don't particularly love them either. The idea of a raisin flavored drink is pretty disgusting to me. After this revelation, I tried taking another sip and it was too gross. I don't want liquid raisins.

Country
Thailand
Sweetener
Sugar
Categories
Chunky, Juice
Rating
1/5
Reviewed By
Derek Neuland on February 23rd, 2011
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Rhino's Sugar Free Energy Drink

Rhino's Sugar Free Energy Drink

I already have a hard time drinking most energy drinks. When you give me a diet/sugar free energy drink, there's no way this is going to be good. The first sip of this was pretty horrible, like swallowing battery acid. The next couple wasn’t too bad. Perhaps I've already acquired the taste for this drink? Nope, around the fourth sip the first couple sips finally hit my stomach and it feels very similar to the time I had food poisoning. For three days straight, I lied on the couch while my stomach felt like it was eating itself. It was easily in my top five worst feelings I have ever felt. Any drink that can give me that same feeling is not one I want to consume.

Website
http://www.rhinos-energy.com/en
Country
Austria
Sweetener
Aspartame
Categories
Diet, Energy Drink
Rating
1/5
Reviewed By
Derek Neuland on February 23rd, 2011
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Cell-nique Super Green Drink Dark Chocolate

Cell-nique Super Green Drink Dark Chocolate

Mike and I have had our collective eye on the Cell-nique drinks for months. We would see it in the store every time we went. More often than not we would pick it up and look at the bottom of the bottle. There is so much sludge there. It was equally enticing and disturbing. The $4 price tag deterred us for a long time, but I finally gave in this week. I wish that I had put it off even longer.

Let's start with the fact that this has the longest list of ingredients that I have ever seen on a drink. There are 36 different ingredients. Sheer insanity. There is so much crazy stuff in here that I never in a million years would have expected to drink. Also, everything says "Organic" before it. I hate when companies do that. It's such overkill. This is pretty much supposed to be the healthiest thing you can ever drink. By default that means that it's going to be one gag shy of a trip to Pukeland, USA.

Here is my thought process starting with smelling it:
-Wow this doesn't smell nearly as bad as I expected. It has a general cocoa smell, with some undertones of weirdness. This might not be nearly as bad as I had anticipated. Oh wow it would rule if this actually tasted good for how healthy it is for you.
*Bottles Up*
-Okay that tastes like a strangely fruity dark chocolate bar. It’s not the greatest thing ever, but not that bad. I also expected this to have little chunks of grain (Quinona) in it.
*.2 seconds later*
Oh sweet Jesus what the hell is that flavor. It's like someone took every single thing that was in a fridge and put it all into a blender. It's a complete assault on the taste buds. There is absolutely nothing good about this flavor. Show me someone who enjoys this and I will show you someone who is either a liar or someone that was tragically born without taste buds.
*Again .2 seconds later*
Okay now it tastes like I just ate a spoonful of black licorice and hot chocolate mix, but the taste of liquid hell is still lingering in the background. Oh man this flavor just will not leave my mouth. I may have to cut out my tongue if this doesn't go away. I'm going to try and wash it down with something else.
*Hands bottle to Mike, goes into the kitchen and downs a tasty fluid*

Mike wanted to add that it tasted like he was eating a campfire somewhere in the middle of the flavor spectrum. I can't comprehend how disgusting this is. It's now a few hours after my initial tasting and I still have the memory of the flavor on my tongue. I've eaten several things since then as well.

Mike said that I should give this a two. Things this healthy don't have a chance in the flavor department. Sometimes you have to deal with something purely disgusting for the sake of health. This is so disgusting that the only way I could give it a two was if it gave me supernatural powers. I'm still normal me, so it's getting the loneliest of all numbers.

Website
http://www.cell-nique.com/
Country
United States
Sweetener
Naturally Sweetened
Categories
Juice, Sports/Dietary Supplement
Rating
1/5
Reviewed By
Jason Draper on February 24th, 2011
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Cell-Nique, Green Spr Drk Choc Drk, 12 FO (Pack of 12) ( Value Bulk Multi-pack)

Simplifast Blueberry

Simplifast Blueberry

Ugh. Every time I take a sip it's like punishment. Not that "I know it's good for me so I'll do it" type of punishment. Not that "Oh this mouthwash burns, but I know it's killing germs and preventing me from getting gingivitis" type punishment. It's the "Who crushed all these Sweet Tarts and put them in this already disgusting juice?" type punishment. That's what it tastes like. 15 thousand Sweet Tarts, powderized and thrown into juice. It's supposed to detoxify, but I'd much rather just eat a bunch of celery, or maybe just perform an enema. Seriously, I can't imagine drinking this entire thing.

Here's the sweet thing about this review. Sure, it's gold already, but here's where I step up my own game. Who doesn't love math? This drink was $2.50. It's on the high side, but I figured, how can you mess this up? It's juice. So $2.50. On the label, it states that in order to achieve your intended weight loss goal of upwards of an estimated 15 pounds, you have to drink four drinks per day. Now we're up to $10 per day. Oh honey, don't let it stop there. You are supposed to drink 4 per day for a week. That's seven days. Bringing our grand total up to $70. $70 in juice.

I didn't need to detoxify. What do I have to clean out? Tacos? Please, leave them in there. I love them. Your drink on the other hand...

Website
http://www.simplifast.com
Country
United States
Sweetener
Organic Maple Syrup
Categories
Diet, Sports/Dietary Supplement
Rating
1/5
Reviewed By
Mike Literman on March 21st, 2011
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Simplifast Detox Fasting Beverage, Blueberry, 16-Ounce Bottles (Pack of 12)

FRS Healthy Energy Orange

FRS Healthy Energy Orange

At first, this was just orange juice. The further down the can I got, the more I hated it. I know, Dad. I shouldn't use the word "hate", but who cares in this case. I'm an adult man now and I can say what I want. We've had our differences, like that time I wore non-prescription glasses to Thanksgiving and we got in that fight and didn't talk for a year. That was awful. Sorry Dad, but this time I'm putting my foot down and saying what I want about this drink. It promptly starts tasting like someone poured orange juice powder in this can and filtered out the actual juice. Did someone just give me roofies? Man, I hope not. I've got stuff to do.

Don't spike my drink, and Lance Armstrong, sorry I don't enjoy what you endorse. Deal with it.

Website
http://www.frs.com/
Country
United States
Sweetener
Organic Evaporated Cane Juice
Categories
Energy Drink, Sports/Dietary Supplement
Rating
1/5
Reviewed By
Mike Literman on March 23rd, 2011
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FRS Healthy Energy Liquid, Orange, 11.5-Ounce Cans (Pack of 24)
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