Celsius Apple Orchard Blend

Celsius Apple Orchard Blend

Something must have gone terribly awry at ye olde apple orchard. You see I have this can of Celsius fitness drink that was made from the harvest of the orchard and it tastes like the entire orchard was marinated in pesticides, or that it was stewing in napalm. Perhaps this is actually made from the soil of the orchard that old apples had rotted in to. No I think it's actually apples covered in napalm. You see this has only the faintest apple taste to it. I think that might even be a stretch. In a blind taste test I would never in a million years be able to pick out that this is supposed to be apple flavored. It literally tastes like poison, like I'm drinking some fluid that is supposed to go in a car, but someone has apple artificial sweetener to it. I can't believe I finished the can earlier. I just needed to keep up the energy so Mike and I could talk all night scheming of what our plan of attack would be if we ever made it on to the TV show "Take the Money and Run." I bet we could totally get away with it. We're crafty and being imprisoned for 48 hours doesn't scare us. We're strong willed. Oh yeah, we were also riding our bikes for several hours while we were discussing this. Now It's almost 4 hours later. I'm sore, I'm all hyped up, and I can still taste this poison on my tongue. For shame Celsius. You can do better than this.

Website
http://www.celsius.com/
Country
United States
Sweetener
Erythritol
Categories
Diet, Energy Drink, Sports/Dietary Supplement
Rating
1/5
Reviewed By
Jason Draper on August 26th, 2011
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Celsius Calorie Burner, Apple Orchard Blend Stevia, 12-Ounce Cans (Pack of 12)

Empire Bottling Works Spruce Beer

Empire Bottling Works Spruce Beer

Franklin Mercer has been sick for quite awhile. His wife Sharon has been up for the past three nights. Franklin is so congested that he can hardly breathe and what little breath he has comes out in the loudest snores you've ever heard. She's begged and pleaded but he's so darn stubborn and won't take medicine. To fix her problem Sharon and I have mixed up this little concoction to trick him into getting better.

If there's one thing Franklin loves it's soda pop. He drinks it all the livelong day. I suggested that we slip a little Vicks Vapo Rub into his soda in order to get him well. Yes I know you're not supposed to ingest it, but every time we try to rub it on his body he wakes up and freaks out. It's like waking someone with night terrors. I'm surprised I don't have a black eye. Sharon said her family has a secret recipe of mixing a bunch of buds and needles from spruce trees and boiling it down to make a syrup that will fix you right up. The problem is we're on vacation out in Arizona and there isn't a proper tree to be found anywhere. As a substitute she decided to mix in a pine scented tree air freshener that she found at the gas station. I don't know how they are equals, but she assures me it will do in a pinch. We boiled it all down, mixed it in with his Sprite and here we go.

Lucky for us his nose is so stuffed up because the smell of this stuff is intense. I can't believe he's drinking it. The cold must also be effecting his taste buds. I took a little sip earlier to make sure it wasn't poison, and it tasted like I had bathes in Vapo Rub and then decided to lick the sap from a tree. I couldn't get more than a little sip down, Franklin just chugged the whole bottle. Here's to hoping it clears up his nasal passages!

Country
United States
Sweetener
100% Cane Sugar
Categories
Soda Pop
Rating
1/5
Reviewed By
Jason Draper on September 10th, 2011
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Buy at SpecialtySodas.com

San Pellegrino Sanbitter

San Pellegrino Sanbitter

Although this drink may be an acquired taste, who would want to go for a second one when it tastes like this? I don't hate the San Pellegrino Chinotto and I understand that it is an Italian staple, but this is something else.

Someone recommended this to me not too long after we started the site and I never found one that wasn't in an eight pack. If it was something that wasn't questionable, I might have gotten it, but since it was called a bitter, I didn't want to splurge and get an eight pack and have seven other ones lying around never going to be drank. Drinking this makes me appreciate my decision.

This drink tastes medicinal. The flavor seems like it might want to be cherry, and if you sip the smallest sip, you might taste it, but anything larger than that you get an onslaught of a medicine you were not prescribed. Oh, it's bitter, there is no doubt about that, but what is that good for? "Oh, I love a nice, bitter drink that doesn't have a taste as much as a tongue reaction when I drink it." Who is saying that? Who wants anything overly bitter? It's like asking for something too sweet or too salty. Does this accompany anything? I'm just so confused as to the purpose of this. I'm glad it was cheap, I'm glad it came in an awesome bottle, I'm glad I'm not obligated to drink the whole thing.

Website
http://www.sanpellegrino.com
Country
Italy
Sweetener
Sugar
Categories
Juice, Sparkling
Rating
1/5
Reviewed By
Mike Literman on September 18th, 2011
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Bitter Red

Tim Horton's Supreme Caramel Apple Cider

Tim Horton's Supreme Caramel Apple Cider

On the turn of a dime, it has become fall. Autumn to some, fall to others. I've been wearing a hoodie for a couple days and although I missed their deep hood, welcoming pockets, and going outside, throwing up my hood immediately, and feeling like a robber or rapist. Try it. I would never rape or never rob, but I just feel like if someone saw me throw my hood up, they would think I am up to no good.

Fall means cider. Apples in any form, really. On my way to visit my parents, I stopped by Tim Hortons and I wanted a mint chocolate, iced cappuccino, but was convinced to try a hot caramel apple cider. I got it because seriously, how can you go wrong? Apple cider and caramel and the added delicacy of whipped cream on top. Sweet. Half an hour later, I open up the cup and prepare my senses to enjoy pleasure to a parental advisory level. Then... Disappointment. To the fullest extent. It tasted like I was drinking a liquid candle. I am not exaggerating. If you went to Yankee Candle or equivalent, bought an apple cider candle, went out into the food court, lit it with a borrowed lighter because you just quit smoking, and drank the wax, you, my friend, have just drank a Tim Hortons hot apple cider with caramel.

I have easily half left and cannot stomach another sip.

Website
http://www.timhortons.com
Country
United States
Sweetener
Not Listed
Categories
Cider
Rating
1/5
Reviewed By
Mike Literman on October 2nd, 2011
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7 Eleven 7 Select Essence of Chicken

7 Eleven 7 Select Essence of Chicken



For your viewing pleasure and enjoyment. I have drank and video'd my review for 7 Eleven's very own "Essence of Chicken." Watch the video and let me drink this for you.

Website
http://www.7-eleven.com/
Country
Taiwan
Sweetener
Couldn't Read Ingredients
Categories
Other/Weird
Rating
1/5
Reviewed By
Mike Literman on October 19th, 2011
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Alo Coco Exposed Mangosteen + Mango

Alo Coco Exposed Mangosteen + Mango

This could not be a more disgusting drink. I mean it. This is hardly drinkable. I took one sip and essentially signed off on the whole thing. I love aloe. This has so much chunk in it that you think that you're drinking something else. It's downright thick. Second, it's got coconut water in it which I am not the largest fan of, but I thought that since it's got fruits in there, both prefixed with "mango" ironically, it might be alright. Nope. It stood out like a sore thumb. I can taste the fruit but it's so masked by chunks and coconut that you'd be better off just not adding flavor, or more flavor. This drink is a Frankenstein of all things bad and no, I'm not using that phrase because it's a week away from Halloween.

Website
http://www.alodrink.com/
Country
United States
Sweetener
No Sugar Added
Categories
Aloe Vera, Chunky, Coconut
Rating
1/5
Reviewed By
Mike Literman on October 26th, 2011
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Coco Exposed 12/350ml Mangosteen + Mango

Shloer Sparkling Juice Drink White Grape

Shloer Sparkling Juice Drink White Grape

Dear Shloer, just look at what you've done! You should be ashamed of yourself! You created a quality product with your sparkling red grape juice and now you've gone and sullied your family name with this abomination. For shame! I can't believe you would let it leave your facilities with the way it smells, which is to say like a hobo's breath. It doesn't taste much better either. I was told it tastes like cheap bad wine. I wouldn't know, but I do know that I would now never in a million years ever try cheap bad wine, because this is just bad. It certainly tastes fermented and gross. Out of the 10 people I had try it 3 said it was decent, not good, but decent and everyone else was completely grossed out. I wonder if it did start to ferment somehow and it now turning to alcohol. I took two sips and I really can't drink anymore. It's a shame it was such a big bottle.

Website
http://www.shloer.com/
Country
United Kingdom
Sweetener
Glucose-Fructose Syrup
Categories
Juice, Sparkling
Rating
1/5
Reviewed By
Jason Draper on November 20th, 2011
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Typhoon Enterprise Company Ltd Hawthorn Berry

Typhoon Enterprise Company Ltd Hawthorn Berry

Plums = Prunes. Like the Alamo, never forget. Also never forget that in the East, their prunes are smoked or something because everything plum/prune flavored tastes like you are eating their Western equivalent at a bonfire. Smokes. It's like chipotle fruit. Now allow me to read the ingredients to this drink because it should be the best drink I've ever had:
Water. Sugar. Hawthorn berry. Plum. Hibiscus flower. Licorice.

Could this drink sound any better? I mean, I don't know what hawthorn berry tastes like, but it's a berry. I get it. The plum/prune, I can say with most certainty, ruined this drink. I cannot taste anything but that. I love hibiscus drinks and love licorice and those are non-existent and that blows. It smells and to a lesser extent tastes like fruity beef jerky. Man. Editor Dan, the bequeather of this drink, was right. It sucks and should be better. If I could dissect this drink, I would do it in a heartbeat. Take all the plum/prune DNA out of it, add some water to put it back together, drink it again and love it.

Drats. This sucked.

Country
Taiwan
Sweetener
Sugar
Categories
Juice
Rating
1/5
Reviewed By
Mike Literman on January 31st, 2012
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Hyper Malt Original

Hyper Malt Original

For a few years I thought of how great it would be if someone would market cereal milk. All different kinds, but particularly Fruity Pebbles and Golden Grams. There is nothing better than that flavor infused cream after you've finished the "solids" portion of your two course breakfast cereal. It's like drinking the bathwater of the gods and sometimes, before moving onto that final stage, I refresh the first, making the inevitable payload that much more savory. It's a harrowing exercise of will power to be certain but like any work-out or period of time without smoking cigarettes, it's more than worth it once you cross that finish line. It is, essentially, the bathwater of TWO gods now. Perhaps they bathed together. Maybe there was just a water shortage and they needed to conserve so as long as the temperature remained comfortable they just wouldn't drain it in-between baths. There is no limit to their hygienic routines as long as your imagination is healthy.

What I'm saying is, though this might sound like a good idea to some (or no one after that unfortunate analogy), I have found upon drinking HYPER MALT ENERGY DRINK that cereal milk is only delicious because the person drinking it worked so hard to make it. This energy drink tastes like someone took a bowl of apple juice, emptied the contents of a box of Wheaties into it, let it sit in the sun for a few days, took it back inside, gagged heartily, then ran the fluid through a colander into a bottle which went directly into my mouth. I don't see cereal milk being a big hit for anyone looking to be refreshed, and I don't see HYPER MALT ENERGY DRINK being a big hit for anyone looking to be energized. Unless of course you only need the energy required to hurriedly rush to the bathroom to spit it out before going back to watching Maury Povich like I did this morning. But at least it saved me the tens of thousands of dollars I was going to invest in my new milk company.



When I asked Keith to rate the drink he said "0 of 5. No wait, NEGATIVE 0 of 5." Our scale only goes to "1" but keep in mind that if it was possible, it would be below that.

Country
Denmark
Sweetener
Sugar
Categories
Energy Drink, Other/Weird, Soda Pop
Rating
1/5
Reviewed By
Keith Buckley - Singer for Every Time I Die on February 8th, 2012
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My Body Shots Vitamin Mango Passionfruit

My Body Shots Vitamin Mango Passionfruit

When an attractive woman came up to Steve at the bar he was shocked. He was completely in disbelief when she asked him if he wanted to do a body shot. Steve knew where he stood in life. He was pretty frumpy and he suffered from a terrible case of halitosis. On top of that he had the personality of a dead moth. To sum it up he was no prize catch. This woman was completely beautiful though and here she was standing in front of him asking if he wanted to drink alcohol off of her body. Something strange was going on in the world. Perhaps Zuul had come to reign over the humans. You know the whole “human sacrifice, dogs and cats living together... mass hysteria!” bit. Steve didn’t care this was a big moment for him and he wasn’t going to turn it down. Apparently all of these thoughts took awhile to process in his mind because the woman was just staring at him strangely and asked if he wanted one or not. Steve snapped out of it and moved in closer and said of course so. His halitosis almost made her throw up. She gagged, reached into her bag and threw a tiny bottle at Steve and walked away. Confused, he looked down at the item she had tossed his way. Oh of course, that makes perfect sense. The woman was a representative of the My Body Shots company and she was going around handing out free samples like the “Red Bull girls” do. Steve felt like an idiot, so he sat back down on his stool and downed the shot. It was all natural, so at least he didn’t have to worry about getting cancer. That was the only way he could see his life getting any worse. Somehow the shot still tasted a bit chemically. Steve guessed that when you concentrate so many vitamins and minerals it’s not going to have a pleasant taste, no matter what you do. It was supposed to be mango passionfruit flavored, but he couldn’t spot those specific flavors in the mix. It just had a general tropical/vitamin flavor to it. Since you’re supposed to down in all in one gulp, it wasn’t too bad. The variety he got was a rehydration shot, so at least it would help him avoid getting a hangover in the morning. Now only if it could cure his terrible breath.

Website
http://mybodyshots.com/
Country
United States
Sweetener
Cane Sugar
Categories
Shot, Sports/Dietary Supplement
Rating
1/5
Reviewed By
Jason Draper on March 6th, 2012
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