Alo Coco Exposed Wheatgrass

Alo Coco Exposed Wheatgrass

Nope. I went into this thinking it was going to be gross and hoping to be wrong and I was right. Story time? You've got it.

There was once a bar that Jay DJ'd at and it was pretty great. They sold everything and also served food and drink. You could go in there, buy a nice meal and the chair you sat in to eat it. Tables, chairs, toys, odds and ends, and more; everything was for sale. It was cool. Jay and I were there for a night he was playing and he took a break and they offered wheatgrass so we split a shot of it. It wasn't bad. We thought it was going to be gross, but it just tastes like the smell of freshly cut grass. A little sweet but very...fresh. Very green. It's got some immense amount of vitamins and minerals equivalent to multiple servings of vegetables.

This is just a strange, smooth, chunky texture, like if you watered down your morning oatmeal and drank it, except your oatmeal smelled like if you poured the dust from a box of Cheerios into a cup rather than actual cereal.

This is bad. I have said it before and I'll say it again. How does stuff like this make it to market?

Website
http://www.alodrink.com/
Country
United States
Sweetener
No Sugar Added
Categories
Aloe Vera, Chunky, Coconut
Rating
1/5
Reviewed By
Mike Literman on March 6th, 2012
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Aloe Farm Coco Expds, Wheatgrass, 11.80-Ounce (Pack of 12)

Cutting Edge Diamond Energy Drink

Cutting Edge Diamond Energy Drink

32 oz of the worst energy drink ever. Instead of being on the 'cutting edge' of huge cans, they should work on making one that a normal human can enjoy. I'm so disgusted at this drink that I’m not even going to give it the courtesy of an amusing story.

Country
United States
Sweetener
Sucrose
Categories
Energy Drink
Rating
1/5
Reviewed By
Derek Neuland on March 7th, 2012
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Yon Ho Black Soybean

Yon Ho Black Soybean

This couldn't look more like chocolate milk. I knew it wasn't. I knew it. It just looked so much like it that I endlessly hoped that it did. So much. Then I took a sip and...bleh. It has a bit of an open, airy, slightly sweet, packing peanut taste. But it looks so much like chocolate milk. I gave it to my boss, because I'm a fantastic employee, and told him it was chocolate milk. Because of who I am and the fact that we've been working together for like five years, he knew I was up to something. Then he smelled it, confirmed I was up to something, drank it anyway, and for a minute, made that "ugh" sound.

Different tastes for different countries, I guess. If it was my job to sell this drink I might quit my job because I don't know anyone who would desire this drink, but I'm sure it's huge in Taiwan and I'm going to get a lot of foreign flack for this review. It is sweetened so I assume this is a casual drink, like pop would be to us. Taiwan? Anyone? I know there are a couple of you over there that can answer me.

Website
http://www.yonho.com
Country
Taiwan
Sweetener
Sugar
Categories
Soy
Rating
1/5
Reviewed By
Mike Literman on March 15th, 2012
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Kowloon Vegetarian Plum

Kowloon Vegetarian Plum

There is an ex-construction, current architect in the office and I made him drink this. He was unsuspecting and this caught him off guard. Want to know why? It's completely disgusting. Reason I bring up his current and past job experience is that he described it as old oak. That man knows a thing or two about wood. Another dude here who is not an ex-construction or current architect described this to taste like a burning house. I'm drinking something that has everything to do with smoking and flames and wood. In China, this is what they drink. Now I don't know how frequently they are doing this, but come on. Who is really drinking this? It's complex as heck but there is no great payoff. If you had juice, burned a piece of wood in a bonfire, took that piece of wood out and marinated it in the juice and then drank the juice, that's what I am drinking.

Please. Someone. I know that people from China read this blog. I check the analytics and although it's not a great number, we do have traffic from China. Explain to me either here or via our contact form what is appealing to you about these plum/prune drinks. I can't wrap my head around it.

Country
China
Sweetener
Sugar
Categories
Juice
Rating
1/5
Reviewed By
Mike Literman on March 26th, 2012
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Yung-Ho Rice Drink Peanut

Yung-Ho Rice Drink Peanut

Peter loved peanut butter, or as his mom liked to call it “Peter Butter.” It started with PB&J sandwiches. Then he switched to straight peanut butted on bread, and lots of it. Before he knew it he was hooked on the stuff. He was dipping veggies on it. Eating it with dessert. He even became a regular at a local Thai restaurant because he could get peanut satay there. He consumed more peanut butter than any other substance and it was evident in his physical presence. His mother told him he had to cut down, or else he would turn out to be one of those people that you hear about on the news that is so obese that they can’t even leave their bed, and weeks pass before anyone even realizes they are dead. Peter did not want that to be his future, so he started cutting down on his peanut butter intake. It was hard because he loved the flavor so much. His mother worked out a recipe for a drink that would taste like peanut butter, but wouldn’t be so terrible health wise. She took rice milk and blended in some peanut butter. Sure it wasn’t exactly health food, but it filled the void that the lack of peanut butter had created in Peter’s life, while keeping things a tad better for him. At first Peter thought it was strange. He felt like he was drinking a can of the sauce that was on his peanut satay. The more he thought about it, the more it grossed him out. He didn’t want to drink sauce. Only degenerates and junkies did things like that. He thereby claimed that he was off the sauce. He didn’t want to be a peanut butter junkie anymore. He took the rest of his drink and gave it to the cat, which surprisingly loved it. It’s now been ten years and Peter has taken to lying to people about having a peanut allergy, just so he doesn’t have people tempting him with his old love.

ps. My cat totally starting drinking this and I had to physically restrain her to get her to stop. Cats love peanuts.

Country
Taiwan
Sweetener
Sugar
Categories
Other/Weird
Rating
1/5
Reviewed By
Jason Draper on May 10th, 2012
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Big Burst Citrus Punch Drink

Big Burst Citrus Punch Drink

Okay we’ve got O.J., purple stuff, some soda, Sunny Delight……oh wait that’s not Sunny D at all. Actually it’s called Big Burst, but it looks pretty similar. Is that okay? Well it might as well be Sunny D. It tastes pretty much exactly the same, except that the consistency is much thinner. I see that as a positive thing. Sunny D tasted okay, but the syrupiness of it destroyed me. Oh and for the record it is no substitution or orange juice when you’re sick.

This is nothing I would ever purchase myself, but I’m not a kid so why would I be drinking fake juice? If I want juice I’ll get the real thing, not a sugar water version of it. The same company that puts out Little Hug Barrels and Guzzlers makes this, so 98% of their demographic is kids under ten. I may be well over the age of ten, but I have to say it tastes much better than I expected. It’s definitely a superior option to Sunny D. Big Burst just needs an iconic commercial now.

Website
http://www.ambev.com/fruit_drinks.php
Country
United States
Sweetener
High Fructose Corn Syrup
Categories
Juice
Rating
1/5
Reviewed By
Jason Draper on June 5th, 2012
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Hansen's Sugar Free Acai Black Tea

Hansen's Sugar Free Acai Black Tea

Oh, no. I don't want to do this to Hansen's again. I really like a lot of their products but I have to do this. I owe it to myself so that I may sleep at night and the public since I am the messenger. People come here for professionally written reviews about products the world loves. This, though...phew. What a dump of a drink. It is a liquid. This is true. It tastes like some garbage, diet powder mix drink. Now, I've had some of those that are good, but this would not be one of those. I'm not 100% on Acai's bus. I'm half way out the door with the driver pushing me in so that he can get me, and my fellow riders, to our destination on time. Don't push me, bus driver. I'm not ready to give in, yet. This drink is bitterly sweet like Acai drinks are but, man, uber-sweet and uber-diet.

This is an abomination of a black tea. Black tea should sue Hansen's for the slander that is this drink. As soon as this hits my mouth I am in terror. Diet. Bleh. I've drunk Spenda drinks before but this might take the cake as being some of the worst I've ever had. There are light years of distance between "sugar free" and "unsweetened" and if you don't know that, you should get out of the game and enjoy something else.

Hansens. You know I love you. I love many of your products. If you could remove this and that pineapple drink that I hated from your line, I would give you the highest reward of plugging the daylights out of you, until then, justice.

Website
http://www.hansens.com/
Country
United States
Sweetener
Splenda
Categories
Iced Tea
Rating
1/5
Reviewed By
Mike Literman on June 14th, 2012
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Hansen Beverage Acai Black Tea Sugar Free, 16-Ounce Bottles (Pack of 12)

Sobe Lifewater Pacific Coconut

Sobe Lifewater Pacific Coconut

It has finally happened. I have found a coconut water drink that tastes exactly like I always thought coconut water would taste. To be clearer I mean it tastes like toasted coconut. To be even clearer it tastes like tanning oil. Now I’ve never used, nor tasted, tanning oil, as I believe it would make me spontaneously combust. I have smelled it and this tastes exactly like it smells. My ladyfriend also confirmed that it has the same taste. That is gross. Who wants to ingest anything like that? I honestly can’t imagine a single person out there who would buy this, try it, be able to stomach it at all, and then go back and buy some more. Is this drink some sort of tax write off for Sobe? There has to be some strange back story here and I want to hear it!

Website
http://www.sobe.com/
Country
United States
Sweetener
Sugar
Categories
Coconut, Sports/Dietary Supplement
Rating
1/5
Reviewed By
Jason Draper on July 30th, 2012
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SoBe Lifewater Pacific Coconut with Coconut Water, 20 oz. (Pack of 24)

Chubby Crash'N Cream

Chubby Crash'N Cream

This little guy has been staring me in the eye every time I open my cupboard for about a year now. It’s like he’s just been daring me to taste his awfulness. I don’t even remember where he came from, Mike probably…the bastard. I’d like to imagine that he was summoned forth like some sort of drink demon to ruin my day. You may say, “Hey it’s just soda pop in a cute little bottle.” If you utter those words to me I will tell you that A. Cream soda should not be green. B. No soda should be green. It just means that added food coloring to make it wacky. C. Soda that comes in such a small container can be nothing but overly sweetened to the point where It will instantly erode your teeth and give you a terrible stomach ache.

I’m sick of looking at this. I’m sick of being afraid. Today I face my fears and try the dreaded “Chubby” (phrasing).

Oh my god it may be worse than expected. I opened up the bottle and it smelled like a nice pleasant cream soda. I thought to myself, “Hey maybe this actually won’t be so bad. Maybe you’ve just been paranoid.” Then I took a sip and realized the demon had tricked me into taking a large gulp of his poison. It tastes solely like sweetener, with the faintest, faintest hint of vanilla. It has sugar and/or glucose fructose plus sucralose. You can taste it all battling out inside of your mouth, and no matter who the victor is it will not be your taste buds. Damn you Chubby!

Website
http://www.chubbysd.com/chubby%20files/chubby.htm
Country
Canada
Sweetener
Sugar/Glucose-Fructose
Categories
Soda Pop
Rating
1/5
Reviewed By
Jason Draper on August 4th, 2012
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Phenom Energy Acai Peach

Phenom Energy Acai Peach

Terrible. Awful. Putrid. Twice as awful. I sparingly like coconut water as it is but this...man...something went wrong here. It smells good. I was hoping this would be awesome. It had to be. It smelled good. Then you take a sip and it all goes wrong. This was cold, the way that coconut water is supposed to be drunk. It tasted like if toothpaste was made from mashed up coconuts and people were crying it was so bad so someone at the company mixed a little fruit in it. It's heavy, heavy coconut and all the blast coolers in the world couldn't save this drink.

I wish I had my tongue scraper with me. This drink was unbearable.

Website
http://www.phenomwater.com
Country
United States
Sweetener
No Sugar Added
Categories
Coconut, Sports/Dietary Supplement
Rating
1/5
Reviewed By
Mike Literman on August 8th, 2012
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Phenom Mega V 100% Natural Coconut Water, Acai Peach (Pack of 6)
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