Odwalla Quencher Hotter-Melon

Odwalla Quencher Hotter-Melon

After drinking over 4,000 beverages to review, things can get boring. There is only so much one can say about the same old drinks day in and day out. Sure, I still really enjoy a lot of them, but my inspiration is running dry and that means Thirsty Dudes has slowed down a lot from when we first started seven years ago. I wasn’t even looking for something new to review in the grocery store when I found this. I just really wanted some juice. While I’m in this frame of mind I almost always go for a 100% juice, but when you have a bottle of jalapeno watermelon juice staring you down, you settle for the 20% in order to experience the wild ride it’s inevitably going to take you on. So, sit down, strap yourself in, crack open the bottle and let the adventure begin.

First off, when I opened this up, I hated the way it smelled. It doesn’t smell unpleasant, but it also does not smell how I want a juice to smell. It smells like a liquefied, fruity salad. Lucky for all of us involved it tastes much better than that. The makeup of this juice includes apple, lemon, watermelon, raspberry and jalapeno. The watermelon actually makes up a very small portion of the ingredients, but I’ll give it to them for leaning on it to have a great name for the juice. Instead of tasting just like a spicy watermelon juice, this is more of a spicy fruit punch. It is a great fruit punch though, where you can make out the individual fruits used and not just a general hodgepodge of sweetness. I’d also like to note that the spiciness of it is not overwhelming either. The pepper is there as more of a flavor than a heat factor. The more you drink the hotter it gets, but it never gets to a critical level.

This is now someone’s favorite drink. It’s not mine, but I certainly appreciate it for being something new and unusual. It’s not the type of thing that I would drink the entire 15oz bottle of in one sitting, but I have found myself continuously going back to it throughout the day to take a sip here or there. There are different kinds of beverages in the world and this is the kind you sip and ponder.

Website
http://www.odwalla.com/
Country
United States
Sweetener
No Sugar Added
Categories
Juice
Rating
4/5
Reviewed By
Jason Draper on September 3rd, 2017
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Polar Seltzer Jr. Mermaid Songs

Polar Seltzer Jr. Mermaid Songs

Round two of the Polar Seltzer Jr line. I had heard that one of these was supposed to taste like Swedish Fish and as soon as I popped this open I knew I had struck gold. The scent is an exact match for one of my favorite candies. The idea that I could have that in liquid form, minus all the sugar had me drooling like my cat when I pick him up and he goes limp. I guess I should have known this would be the one by the name and that the mermaid’s tails on the can definitely resemble Swedish Fish.

Upon taking a sip, I realized that the sought after flavor could not be really achieved without sugar. It kind of tastes like the candy, but all of the boldness is lost. It is still very good, but it is certainly not liquid Swedish Fish. The more I hold it in my mouth and swish it around the more I can taste it, but if you weren’t thinking that it would probably just have a fruity berry flavor to it.

Website
http://www.polarbev.com
Country
United States
Sweetener
No Sugar Added
Categories
Sparkling
Rating
4/5
Reviewed By
Jason Draper on August 31st, 2017
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Natalie's Orange Beet

Natalie's Orange Beet

I spend far too much time reflecting back on my trip to Mexico last winter. I didn’t go to any resorts, or the coast. I toured with friends’ band and we hit the major cities and were in the real deal heart of the country. I even had an interaction with a member of a cartel, who happened to be at a show and really liked the band. I only knew because he was bragging to me about his custom made suit that was bullet and stab proof. What a life. I actually never think much about those things, but I always find my mind wandering to the food and drinks I consumed there. My outlook on tacos has forever been changed. I’m glad to have experienced them in their true form, but now the ones back home are lacking and leave me wanting. Another thing I had a lot of was juice, which was obscenely cheap for fresh squeezed varieties. My favorites were the orange/carrot juice that I had with my morning tacos every day and what I believe was hibiscus beet juice that I would buy in the markets. They were both incredible in their own ways, and this juice is like a combination of them both (minus a few ingredients). It’s simply oranges and beets juiced with nothing else added and it is completely fantastic, to an extent that it is kind of dangerous. I feel like I could consume mass amounts of this if I wasn’t paying attention. Would that really be such a bad thing though? It’s just juice and it tastes so fresh and healthy. I already want another bottle. So long savings account.

Website
http://www.orchidislandjuice.com/
Country
United States
Sweetener
No Sugar Added
Categories
Juice
Rating
5/5
Reviewed By
Jason Draper on August 31st, 2017
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The Maple Guild Enhanced Maple Water Cranberry Pomegranate

The Maple Guild Enhanced Maple Water Cranberry Pomegranate

Does water not have to be put on ingredients lists anymore? The reason I ask is that it is nowhere to be found on this bottle and the first two things listed are organic maple sap concentrate and organic maple syrup. I know that when maple is tapped from a tree it is very liquidy and only acquires its sticky, syrupy state when cooked, but I didn’t realize you could use it as the base for a beverage on its own. I would have assumed you needed to mix it with water. If you were to ask me I would say that I would think this would be a very viscous beverage but it really has the consistency of water.

What we have here is essentially Vitamin Water made with maple. It doesn’t taste like maple syrup at all, it’s just there as that watery base. It really tastes like a cranberry pomegranate Vitamin Water. It’s full of antioxidants, electrolytes, and vitamins. Not what I expected, but enjoyable enough.

Website
http://https://www.mapleguild.com/
Country
United States
Sweetener
Organic Maple Syrup
Categories
Other/Weird, Water
Rating
3/5
Reviewed By
Jason Draper on August 29th, 2017
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Natalie's Honey Tangerine

Natalie's Honey Tangerine

When I first saw this I thought it was going to be tangerine juice with honey in it. I salivated at the thought. When I looked at it I realized that it’s just a type of tangerine. I was a little disappointed until I took as sip and I realized that it didn’t need the honey, not at all. This is nothing but juice of the previously mentioned fruit, and it needs nothing else. Sure it’s a little acidic, but what do you expect? I think I might get a stomach ache if I drank too much, but this bottle is the perfect size for such a wonderful juice.

Website
http://www.orchidislandjuice.com/
Country
United States
Sweetener
No Sugar Added
Categories
Juice
Rating
5/5
Reviewed By
Jason Draper on August 29th, 2017
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X2 Performance All Natural Energy Strawberry Kiwi

X2 Performance All Natural Energy Strawberry Kiwi

Yes, I know that caffeine is a source of energy, but when it’s the only source of energy in a beverage I don’t really think of it as an energy drink. X2 has, as the name suggests, two sources of caffeine; black and green tea. Even with that combo the 106mg of caffeine isn’t much more than the 95mg that one would find in a cup of coffee. It still does give you a little boost though, especially if you are like me and are sensitive to caffeine.

Not only are their two types of tea in here, but there are also two different sweeteners; cane sugar and clover honey. The result is 33g of sugar per can. So with a ton of tea and sugar you would expect ot know what you are getting yourself into, but the truth is it doesn’t taste much like tea. In fact, it tastes more like a kiwi strawberry tea Gatorade type drink. It’s like a flavored water and not tea. I actually like the taste, but at first I expected it to be carbonated, because I expect all energy drink to be so, until proven wrong. Then I expected it to be tea heavy, and it was not. This is nothing what I thought at all. It still is a little bit of okay though.

Website
http://www.x2performance.com/
Country
United States
Sweetener
Cane Sugar
Categories
Energy Drink, Iced Tea
Rating
3/5
Reviewed By
Jason Draper on August 28th, 2017
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Polar Seltzer Jr. Dragon Whispers

Polar Seltzer Jr. Dragon Whispers

Last year, for an extremely limited time, Polar released the flavor Unicorn Kisses. We weren’t as vigilant as we should have been and it passed right by us. Even our clot (which, you know…we have very little) could get us some from Polar direct; they were plum out. This year Unicorn Kisses is back and it brought three other friends with it. This year we were also more on top of things and Polar sent us some samples. Not only do they make wonderful product, but they are also great humans, who understand my needs for weird seltzer and are kind enough to accommodate me (minus the fact that vanilla is still not available in cans).

The first of these four magical flavors, which I believe are aimed towards kids because of their names and the line being called “Seltzer Jr,” is Dragon Whispers. I would expect such a thing to taste of smoke and cinders, but I don’t think children, nor would anyone enjoy a liquid smoke seltzer. I suppose it’s lucky for us all that Polar decided to go in a different direction.
Smell wise this reminds me of something like Pixie Stix or Sweetarts. That is very strange because a sweetener-less beverage smells like products that are mostly sugar. It’s also odd because that is what Red Bull style energy drinks smell like to me. SO yeah, it smells like them, minus the chemical undertones. From the smell I really didn’t know what to expect. My taste buds were awaiting an overload of sweetness, but my mind knew that wouldn’t be the case. The reality is that it tastes like an unsweetened tropical fruit punch. I was hoping for something a little stranger, but it was quite pleasant and I could see myself drinking a bunch of this

I feel like there are going to be a lot of people who taste different things in this beverage. It’s a social experiment that I enjoy.

Website
http://www.polarbev.com
Country
United States
Sweetener
No Sugar Added
Categories
Sparkling
Rating
4/5
Reviewed By
Jason Draper on August 27th, 2017
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Telula Green Fusion

Telula Green Fusion

I’ve spied this little fella right here for quite a while at my local Target when scoping out other drinks. I will admit that I am cheap and the $5-6 price tag on it always left me picking it up, looking at it for far longer than I needed to, realizing that I look like an idiot, and then putting it back on the shelf after a quick glance left and right. Sure it looked great, but I couldn’t bring myself to pay that much for a juice that wasn’t perishable. Is there a difference? Probably, but it’s also just a mental thing for me. When something needs to be refrigerated I just assume that it is fresher than something that sits on the shelf. Well cut to a few days ago when I’m at Aldi to pick up some carrots to feed the ponies. Yeah I hang out with ponies on a somewhat regular basis. What can I say I live a charmed life. Anyway, at Aldi I see a bunch of these and they are two for $5. Now that is a price I can accept, so I picked this and a bottle of the blackberry chia up.

So now that my penny pinching has been explained away, let’s actually talk about this beverage. It is a cold pressed juice that is composed of spinach, apples, kale, lettuce, cucumber, celery, green tea leaves, and a bunch of mint thrown in to make the whole thing weird, but also wonderful. There is both spearmint and peppermint in here and they make up at least half of the flavor. It truly is strange. I’ve never had minty vegetables before, and you know what? I don’t hate it.

Once you make your way past the tidal wave of mint you get to a juice that tastes very much like the vegetables that make it up. It definitely tastes like I’m drinking a minty salad, but somehow I mean that in a good way. I wish they would have held off on the celery, because it’s one of those foods that always taste far too strong for me. I love celery on its own, but mixed in with other vegetables it’s so overpowering.

This is way different from what I anticipated it to be, but I will definitely be purchasing some more of it if I can continue purchasing it at this price.

Website
http://www.drinktelula.com/
Country
United States
Sweetener
No Sugar Added
Categories
Juice
Rating
4/5
Reviewed By
Jason Draper on August 22nd, 2017
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Polar Seltzer'ade Blueberry Lemonade

Polar Seltzer'ade Blueberry Lemonade

My life runs on Polar. I’m pretty sure that by my life running on it, it by default means that the (assumingly) homeless women, who I leave my cans and bottles for, also has her life run by it. Okay, not run, but she probably makes enough from me in a week to get a sandwich or two. I drink far too much of the stuff, well if that were possible. I went from cans, to liters, and have graduated to two liters, because there just that much more for me to consume.

When I saw this in the store, I really thought it was a repackaging of their bottles blueberry lemonade. I bought a box anyway, because I like to have some cans for when I’m out and about. People look at you weird when you’re in public drinking directly from a big bottle, yet they walk around with gigantic fountain sodas and think nothing off it. Whatever. So I bought it, cooled them down and then drank one on my way to band practice. Now I love Polar, but they are not the most flavorful seltzer out there. Either La Croix or Spindrift probably has that honor. They all have their place; sometimes you want more, sometimes less. This though, this has a punch to it. The flavor in here is probably the strongest out of the Polar flavors I have tried, which is all of them, minus some seasonal ones I missed. It’s wonderful and bold. It’s to an extent that you forget that there is no sweetener involved. I need to back and try the bottled version again. I’m pretty sure this is reformulated, but I hope I’m wrong and it’s as glorious in a bottle as it is in these cans.

Website
http://www.polarbev.com
Country
United States
Sweetener
No Sugar Added
Categories
Sparkling
Rating
5/5
Reviewed By
Jason Draper on August 19th, 2017
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Up Mountain Swizzle Original

Up Mountain Swizzle Original

I can't decide if I think that this drink is good for me or trying to punish me. I have drunk Ginger drinks and I have drunk vinegar drinks and this is a marriage between the two. It is not gross but I feel like you have to be an adult to understand what is going on within the confines of this glass bottle. If you take a big enough sip it is very strong, not very sweet and potentially life-saving. I say that because anytime I am drinking a vinegar drink I feel like I am trying to purge whatever disgusting nonsense is in my body. That nonsense of course being my fault to begin with and I ignorantly think that these vinegar drinks are a reset button on the mistakes that I have made in my dining past.

If I have to think of this as a health drink I might think that it is on the better side. It is a little bit sweet and is not as punishing as a straight vinegar drink. If I have to think of this as a casual Tuesday night drink then it probably isn't going to be something I am going to be seeking out. As I previously said it is only slightly punishing and if you are a fan of ginger beer you might be able to make the leap to something like a vinegar drink. It also helps that there is actual ginger root in this drink. As far as it being sparkling, it is only slightly carbonated. It is well shy of a soda pop.

I feel like on a better day I could finish the whole bottle, but on a day where I have kids screaming at me and 15 minutes to dress up for a show and load a car full of gear I don't think that I could be bothered to finish this entire bottle. I really don't want that to diminish the quality of the drink but the amount of effort I find that it is taking me to drink it is not worth it right now. If you have time to sit and sip this it would probably be very good. I am taking big gulps like an absolute idiot in hopes that I can gain as much of its healing qualities as one can when he makes as many poor decisions as I do.

Website
http://https://drinkswitchel.com/
Country
United States
Sweetener
Maple Syrup
Categories
Other/Weird, Sports/Dietary Supplement
Rating
3/5
Reviewed By
Jason Draper on August 19th, 2017
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