FRS Healthy Protein Blackberry Acai

FRS Healthy Protein Blackberry Acai

I often praise Jay. Today will not be that day. Today, I dislike him quite strongly. He gave me this FRS a while back, reviewed the other one and claimed it was great. "Awesome" I said to myself. I didn't want a repeat of my last FRS drink. I threw this in the fridge and actually looked forward to it. Mistake.

This drink is as thick as the day is long. Shall I compare thee to a summer's day? Nope. I'll compare it to the color and viscosity of dog puke. That odd, off-yellow, creamy-ness. It doesn't have any dog food in it, which I guess I should be thankful for. This is just vile. It smells alright but between the texture and the odd, protein-rich flavor, and the fact that acai should not be made for public consumption regardless of it's antioxidant qualities, this drink is, well, undrinkable.

Sorry Jay, but you can't win them all. You lost your shirt on this one and you might lose another because if I throw up, I'm using whatever you have on as my target.

Website
http://www.frs.com/
Country
United States
Sweetener
Organic Sugar
Categories
Sports/Dietary Supplement
Rating
1/5
Reviewed By
Mike Literman on August 31st, 2012
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FRS Healthy Protein, Blackberry Acai, 12-Fluid Ounce (Pack of 12)

Max Velocity Sugar Free Uncaged Energy Drink

Max Velocity Sugar Free Uncaged Energy Drink

Going into this I knew this was going to be bad. Any energy drink found at Big Lots (where drinks go to die) named "Max Velocity" is not good. On top of it, there's no flavor on this. What flavor is "Uncaged"? At least there's a grainy photo of a cheetah on the can.

Yup I was right, it's like a Red Bull/ Mountain Dew mix. So gross. It burns the throat as it goes down.

Website
http://www.albertsons.com/
Country
United States
Sweetener
Sucralose
Categories
Diet, Energy Drink
Rating
1/5
Reviewed By
Derek Neuland on October 4th, 2012
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Organic Thinkers Herbal Drink Real Jamaican Sorrel Roots

Organic Thinkers Herbal Drink Real Jamaican Sorrel Roots

One of Mike’s boss’ once proposed the idea of him doing a Thirsty Dudes spin off based on hot sauce. You know to join the great spin offs such as Joanie Love Chachi, The Ropers, Just the Ten of Us, A Different World, Empty Nest, Daria, and to bring it back to the beginning: Laverne and Shirley. Knowing how Mike stores his drinks all over the floor at work I can only assume Kevin would store his hot sauce the same way. One would think that there would be no way that the two would ever be confused, that is until this bottle of Organic Thinkers Sorrel Root drink would enter the mix. At that point either Kevin is going to get a floral, herbal splash on his hot dogs or Mike is going to get a mouthful of some crazy hot sauce. I really hope it would be Mike’s mistake, but only if it was videotaped. Something like that is just too funny to not be immortalized in a digital format. Lucky for one of them that “Hot Sauce Dudes” or whatever it was going to be called never got off the ground, because seriously this bottle looks exactly like it should contain liquid fire.

This bottle expressly says there is no alcohol added. If it didn’t have that statement there is no way in hell I would have tried this as it smells like some sort of cocktail a grandfather would drink. I took the world’s tiniest sip, and I think there is no alcohol added because the drink itself is alcoholic. Actually it wasn’t even a sip I dabbed some on my finger and tasted it. Good-bye edge. This has to be alcohol. It smells like it, it has a slight burn (that could be from the ginger, and it tastes what I remember vodka or something like that tasting like, but with added sweetness. A drop on my finger is all I’m going to try and it was no good in my book. I’m sure it’s great for you health wise, but it’s not a flavor I can get down with at all, especially if it really does contain a substantial amount of alcohol from fermentation. Seriously I would rather take a shot of hot sauce than dump this on my food any day.

Country
Jamaica
Sweetener
Cane Sugar
Categories
Other/Weird
Rating
1/5
Reviewed By
Jason Draper on October 8th, 2012
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Tropicana 100% Juice Grapefruit

Tropicana 100% Juice Grapefruit

Holy crap I feel like I am going to puke. This drink...jeez louise. Just vomit. Gaaah. I can sum this drink up in a lovely simile. Did you, like me grow up biting your fingernails? Did your parents buy you that stuff that you put on your fingernails that made them taste disgusting? This is what that tastes like. Absurdly bitter. Oh it smells inviting but one sip and you are on the fast track to Hurlburg. Please add sugar to this next time. I honestly can't see anyone liking this. I appreciate 100% Juice when it's a good fruit at 100%. Grapefruit juice at 100% sucks.

Website
http://www.tropicana.com/
Country
United States
Sweetener
No Sugar Added
Categories
Juice
Rating
1/5
Reviewed By
Mike Literman on November 5th, 2012
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Monster Rehab Protean + Energy

Monster Rehab Protean + Energy

UGH! That is what I exclaimed when I first took a sip of this. I have enjoyed all the other Monster Rehab drinks, but this is borderline undrinkable. It tastes like someone was potting a plant next to it and accidentally got some of the soil inside. They tried to filter all the soil out, but the taste was still there and they just hoped no one would notice.

Well I noticed and it sucks. I hate wasting drinks but I can't even take a third sip.

Website
http://www.monsterenergy.com
Country
United States
Sweetener
Glucose
Categories
Energy Drink, Sports/Dietary Supplement
Rating
1/5
Reviewed By
Derek Neuland on January 23rd, 2013
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8 Pack - Monster Rehab - Protean + Energy - 15.5oz

Hung Fook Tong Imperatae Cane Drink

Hung Fook Tong Imperatae Cane Drink

Is it possible to strain a liquid through a liquid? I suppose it would be. If you wanted to strain water through an oil, that would work. It's a matter of volume and separation. You may have to go through some sort of skimming process to take a layer off, but that works.

This drink, which sucks, tastes like you strained sweet tea through soup; iced tea through all the corn, peas, carrots, broth and the like. I gave this drink to our new employee slash my new coworker and she knocked it out of the park. I made her just smell it and she said that it smelled like water chestnuts and me, hating water chestnuts, am not too familiar with the scent. Number two ingredient after water? You guessed it, new girl: water chestnuts.
You're re-hired™. Take that, Donald Trump. I've coined my own phrase that people have been using for years and called it my own.

Website
http://www.hungfooktong.com/tc/
Country
China
Sweetener
Sugar Cane
Categories
Iced Tea
Rating
1/5
Reviewed By
Mike Literman on March 4th, 2013
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Imperatae Cane Drink - 16.9oz [3 units] by Hung Fook Tong.

Suavva Cacao Juice Smoothie Original

Suavva Cacao Juice Smoothie Original

I'm so glad that you could join me for lunch, Charles. It's been too long. I'm sorry we had to meet like this, at a shopping mall food court to eat Sbarro's but we are two busy men that rarely have time for leisure like this. Yes, you and I have made quite a name for ourselves, what with me owning a successful underwear line and you being the impresario of subway covers. We still manage to stay fit and trim and this is our treat to ourselves: A nice slice of pizza from Sbarro's.

Wait...what's this about? This doesn't taste like the Sbarro's that I used to know and love. Remember when we used to go to the mall as kids in Queens and eat Sbarro's and it was the best? This pizza tastes like the box it came in. So disappointing. Good thing we've got these garlic knots to cancel out that blem. I also bought us some smoothies from that New Age shop next to the pet store but before the RV dealership. I don't know what happened to this mall. There is like a Claire's in here and almost nothing else. I swear that at one point there was a Saturn car dealership in here. So, as I was saying I bought us some cacao smoothies. I've had cacao before and it's like a bean than makes chocolate.

Ugh. Now what the heck is this about? Charles, I'm sorry but this is turning out to be the worst lunch I've ever had. This too tastes like the bottle it came in. What is happening? Why does everything taste like the receptacle that it came in? It tastes nothing like chocolate and is like a smooth, gooey mess. It also smells like paint.

Charles, I cannot apologize to you enough. If we could do this again sometime, please, you pick the place. This was a disaster. I love seeing you, but not like this. I hope that the sewer cover business is going well for you. It has to be better than this lunch.

Website
http://www.suavva.com
Country
United States
Sweetener
Agave Nectar
Categories
Smoothie
Rating
1/5
Reviewed By
Mike Literman on March 15th, 2013
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Suavva Cacao Juice Smoothie Chocolate

Suavva Cacao Juice Smoothie Chocolate

Mike gave the original version of this beverage a less than stellar review. The one line of his review that stuck with me, and also made me fear drinking the other flavors was, “It also smells like paint.” Nothing could make me want to taste something less than the smell of paint. Lucky for me when I finally gathered the courage to try this, the scent of paint was nowhere near my nostrils. They were only filled with the rich smell of chocolate.

Actually, maybe I wasn’t so lucky that the paint smell wasn’t there. Had it been I would have been more prepared for the way this tasted. I have never had cacao juice before, but I never would have expected it to taste like this. I mean it’s the base of chocolate for crying out loud. This tastes like it’s bitter, bitter dark chocolate mixed with acai or some such harsh fruit. It’s sweet, but in all the wrong ways. I wanted to like this because it has a lot of health benefits and I love chocolate, especially dark chocolate. I couldn’t bring myself to get further into this than three sips. I was hoping it would get better if I drank more, but nope it was still grosser than gross.

Website
http://www.suavva.com
Country
United States
Sweetener
Agave Nectar
Categories
Smoothie
Rating
1/5
Reviewed By
Jason Draper on April 16th, 2013
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Jones Soda Poutine

Jones Soda Poutine

There comes a time when mankind makes something that is not needed/wanted. Jones fulfilled this prophecy by creating this monster of a soda.

*Editors note: in the beginning of the video, Mike thinks I say it's in a can but I was trying to say that it was an exclusive to Canada but I don't know how to talk on video because I get nervous.

Without further adieu, here is a video of us drinking this collection of fries, gravy, and cheese curds in a bottle.



Jones Poutine soda was easily the worst soda I've ever had. It's been hours since I drank it and my stomach still hurts and I still feel like I'm going to throw up. I appreciate that Jones sent this to us, but on the other hand I feel like they played a huge elaborate prank on us.

Website
http://www.jonessoda.com
Country
United States
Sweetener
No Sugar Added
Categories
Other/Weird, Soda Pop
Rating
1/5
Reviewed By
Derek Neuland on May 24th, 2013
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Jones Soda Turkey and Gravy

Jones Soda Turkey and Gravy

Ahh, a bottle of vintage. I'll never forget those days, going to the grandparent's farmhouse during the hot summer months. Working with grandpa bailing hay, cutting dozens of acres of lawn, milking cows, and putting shoes on horses. The later was for fun. It wasn't actual horseshoes. It was my sister's shoes that she brought in case there was some sort of ho down at the town square that she needed to get all gussied up for. Imagine a pony wearing mid-sized heels. It's a treat to see. After a nice, moderate ten hour work day with pappy, he and I would go inside and talk about things like Bill Clinton, Atari, segregation in schools, apples, and the like. We would discuss these topical issues over a nice bowl of turkey caramels until it was time to go to sleep. Ahh those caramels. Nothing is quite as refreshing as sugar free turkey caramels. It just hits the spot after you have a nice turkey dinner with mashed potatoes and peas. You know how awful it is to eat a meal and then wash it down with something that doesn't taste like what you just ate. Oh, I hate it. If I just ate a hamburger, I wish there were some sort of hamburger ice cream that I could eat to keep my palate just where it was.



Pappy, if you're reading this, I don't miss those days and although my friends say that I was missing my youth, I thought that there is only one way to have such course, calloused hands and strong work ethic at ten. Those kids that were spending their youth playing football, having sleepovers, listening to pop music; those kids are soft. We, you and I, we are strong independent men who can take care of ourselves with the lay of the land. Animals? I'll milk 'em all of the day. We're men, pappy. All because of our talks and those delicious salty turkey caramel filled nights.

Website
http://www.jonessoda.com
Country
United States
Sweetener
Sucralose
Categories
Other/Weird, Soda Pop
Rating
1/5
Reviewed By
Mike Literman on June 9th, 2013
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Jones Soday Holiday Soda 5- Pack (2005)
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