Mountain Dew Diet

Mountain Dew Diet

There's concentrated orange juice in this? Whatever, i'll still take the crab juice.

Website
http://www.mountaindew.com/
Country
United States
Sweetener
Aspartame
Categories
Diet, Soda Pop
Rating
1/5
Reviewed By
Derek Neuland on July 12th, 2013
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Mountain Dew Diet 12 Oz- 12 Pack

Ale-8-One Diet Ginger Ale

Ale-8-One Diet Ginger Ale

I recently spent a week in Kentucky. I know that sentence sounds weird, but it's true. A good friend lives there and I have never spent much time in Kentucky so I decided to go. Little did I know that Ale 8 One is a staple of Kentucky and it was everywhere. By everywhere I mean you could purchase it at more places than you can in Buffalo. We had already reviewed the original so I took my hand at the diet. I should have known by my friend's reaction when I picked up the bottle at the grocery store that this wasn't going to be good.

She was right. It was pretty gross. Even for a diet soda it was bad. So bad that I got 3 sips in and had to dump the rest. Sorry Kentucky, I don't like your diet soda.

Website
http://www.ale8one.com
Country
United States
Sweetener
Sucralose
Categories
Diet, Ginger, Soda Pop
Rating
1/5
Reviewed By
Derek Neuland on August 7th, 2013
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Suavva Cacao Juice Smoothie Orange

Suavva Cacao Juice Smoothie Orange

Orange and gross. If you speed drink this, it might taste good. It does have a good initial orange juice taste but as soon as the orange goes down your gullet, it is promptly shoved, quite rudely out of the way, by a bitter taste. Do not for a split second think that this cacao has anything to do with chocolate because if it tasted like one of those fantastic orange chocolate balls, I would order a case of this. That is absolutely not the case and is actually the polar opposite.

You end up racing against that nondescript putrid taste by drinking and it's just an endless race. I checked the expiration date multiple times because I thought it had gone bad. Why wouldn't you just buy orange juice? That's all you want out of this drink is for it to taste like orange juice. The other stuff you can leave behind regardless of its healthy goodness. Eat a salad. Leave this on the shelf.

Website
http://www.suavva.com
Country
United States
Sweetener
No Sugar Added
Categories
Smoothie
Rating
1/5
Reviewed By
Mike Literman on August 20th, 2013
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Lester's Fixins Peanut Butter & Jelly

Lester's Fixins Peanut Butter & Jelly

I walked into the beer merchant in my city knowing full well that they have a decent selection of non-alcoholic drinks. Someone mentioned to me previously that they had the Lester's Fixins chicken wing pop but they didn't tell me that they had a couple different ones there. I thought, you know what? I'm going to share this with my good friend Lauren and maybe some kids. I'll get something kid friendly and perhaps more interesting. Welp, I'm the fool because this was completely and utterly disgusting.

Travel back in time to when you were around four and your parents bought you a new cooking set with fake food in it. Remember when you could get plastic food that actually smelled vaguely like what it was supposed to be? Well be a four year old idiot and make and eat a plastic piece of jelly and you've got this drink. It tasted like melon flavored plastic, nothing like what it should have tasted like. No peanut butter, and not strawberry or grape jelly either. Oh you know that old American lunch staple of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with no peanut butter and melon jelly served in and around a plastic plate that you just eat the whole thing of like this is your first time eating a piece of Cinn-a-burst gum and you heard you can eat the wrapper, too. Exception being that Cinn-a-burst was fantastic gum and this pop sucked more than my fantastic Dyson vacuum and that thing truly never clogs. It just keeps sucking just like this crappy pop.

Website
http://www.lestersfixins.com/
Country
United States
Sweetener
Cane Sugar
Categories
Soda Pop
Rating
1/5
Reviewed By
Mike Literman on August 31st, 2013
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Peanut Butter & Jelly Soda

Robinson's Fruit Shoot Apple

Robinson's Fruit Shoot Apple

Oh look, a lantern. It would be awesome if this was a...woah, it is a magic lantern. What's up, genie? Herb? Your name is Herb? Cool. I thought it would be something more, I don't know, majestic, but Herb is fine. Oh, oh, really? I get three wishes? This is awesome. I wish it were brighter in here so I could get around. I don't know how I got to this section of the castle. I was just checking my text messages and emails and walking aimlessly and ended up here. Oh...what the...that was a wish? I guess I did say, "I wish it was brighter." That one is on me, herb.

You know what? I'm thirsty. Could I have something to drink? No, what kind of a genie, oh, I get it. "I wish I could get something to drink. Woah. Do you have unlimited glitter? That's pretty cool. You'd be a hit in an art school. People would lay down some lines of glue and then all the kids would say, "I wish we had glitter!" and you would do your magic and art would happen.

Oh, you know what? I don't drink alcohol. Could I swap this with a non-alcoholic drink? What? I have to wish it? I have to say, "I wish this was non-alcoholic" for you to do it. That's...no...wait...come on! I just blew three wishes on light and one drink that I didn't want and one that I did want? This better be one heck of a drink, Herb. Ugh, what is this? You just took the alcohol out and left whatever else was in there? This is really bad. It's got a split second of candy sour apple and then it's just overwhelmingly terrible almost alcoholic tasting. It's kind of bitter like they might have used bad apples. Herb. Did you poison me? You didn't? Man, I wish you did. Wait...no!!!! Oh, I wasted my wishes. Now I'm kind of glad I wasted those because I would have just killed myself. Suicide by genie. That would be something. Thanks, Herb. Can you tell me how to get out of this castle? No? Alright, Herb. Thanks, I guess.

Website
http://www.fruitshootusa.com/
Country
Ireland
Sweetener
Sucralose
Categories
Diet, Juice
Rating
1/5
Reviewed By
Mike Literman on September 5th, 2013
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Big Shot Pineapple

Big Shot Pineapple

New Orleans, I would one day like to be inside of you. The love for Cajun spiced food runs deep in my veins. I also hear that you make fantastic sweet tea. You know what you don't make well? Pineapple pop. This, without any sort of hesitation, is the worst pineapple pop I have ever had. I think I know why you don't make good pineapple pop. It's because you don't know anything about pineapples.

Look, I'm from New York. What do we know about pineapple? Nothing. You can say that right back at me and I have to agree with you. We are in this together, The South.

Now that you know that we know about each other's strong suits, I'm really going to hammer it home. This is awful. It is a dense, thick, syrupy abomination of a drink. I don't know how this left the test bed. It's so bad. Maybe it's the tester's fault. Perhaps all that Cajun spice has dulled your taste buds like when you stupidly use a knife to cut things like rocks and stuff. Dull. Flat. Terrible. Your spices and your crawdads? You've got that nailed, buddy. This though, leave it in the dust. It blows.

Website
http://www.nolacajun.com/Big-Shot-Soda_p_13.html
Country
United States
Sweetener
High Fructose Corn Syrup
Categories
Soda Pop
Rating
1/5
Reviewed By
Mike Literman on September 23rd, 2013
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Biliner Premium Mineral Water

Biliner Premium Mineral Water

Mark Smits was a famous actor. He rose to stardom after a series of romantic comedies and after that, his stardom just kept rising. He quickly saw the danger in being so famous and influential. People were doing things like carving their names in their arms, getting tattoos of his perfect face on their bodies, and dressing like him at comic book conventions. His friends started to notice it and made him do things to see just how far people would go "in his honor." They would do things like have him go up to people in the streets and say that he'll give them a hug if they grab strangers butts and they would do it without hesitation. He made people get "MARK SMIT" tattood on their knuckles with the leftover "S" on their thumb and a peace sign on the other thumb and people did it and smiled the whole way. To step it up a notch, his friends dared him to start a company with the premise of people buying anything he endorses. The challenge was on.

Mark bought a thousand bottles, went down to the point in city where the trucks dumped all the snow and just filled up the bottles with salty, dirty, melted snow water. People cringed a bit when they drank it but since Mark said that it was cool, so did everyone else. He decided he did not like what he had become and quit acting all together. He decided to take his million of dollars and invest it wisely and spend the rest on doing good in cities around the country. It would all come full circle when he was working across the country at a soup kitchen and a case of his salty snow water came in and the homeless people recognized him from the campaign and made him sign bottles of it. Mark would never be able to escape his unfortunately uber-successful past.

Website
http://biliner.com/
Country
United States
Sweetener
No Sugar Added
Categories
Water
Rating
1/5
Reviewed By
Mike Literman on December 3rd, 2013
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Sosyo Mixed Fruit Flavor

Sosyo Mixed Fruit Flavor

Oh man, what have I done to myself? Working on this website has led me to taste some of the most wonderful flavors that have ever crossed my palate. For them I am thankful and the potential of running across others like them keep this site running. Then we come across products such as Sosyo and I want to flush it all away. Wipe my hands twice in the air and just walk away from the Thirsty Dudes empire.

I just knew this was not going to be anything resembling good in my world. Between the packaging that required a knife to cut away and ingredients that give no hint at a flavor (carbonated water, sugar, citric acid, sodium benzoate and caramel) there wasn’t much telling me that this would be something I would enjoy.

Let me go on a little tangent and tell you that I have recently been working my way through critics lists of the greatest horror movies of all times. I’ve already watched most that are on the lists, but I figured I should fill in the gaps and maybe find some gems. While there have been a handful of great movies, most of them that I had not already seen are just terrible to the point of nearly unwatchable, and I love terrible movies. With that being said there is more horror in this bottle than all of those movies combined.

It says it’s a mixed fruit flavor, but online I read something comparing it to cola. I thought it might end up being a fruity cola, which I could be into. Instead I received a mouthful of what tasted like how I imagine prison toilet wine would taste. I checked the Wikipedia page on Sosyo to make sure this hadn’t gone bad and it says that it’s a mixture of grape and apple cider that tastes alcoholic. It was apparently originally called Whisky No because of this. Ugh. No thanks. This is highly offensive to my tastes and I couldn’t get more than two sips into the bottle.

If you are a recovering alcoholic, who for some reason misses the taste of the worlds crappiest fruit alcohol, or are a child pretending to be an adult this may be the drink for you. If you’re tastes are anything close to mine, I warn you to stay away. It’s sad because I had a nice saag meal for lunch that I was hoping would pair nicely with this Indian soda.

Website
http://sosyo-thesoftdrink.com.md-25.webhostbox.net/
Country
India
Sweetener
Sugar
Categories
Soda Pop
Rating
1/5
Reviewed By
Jason Draper on January 31st, 2014
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Love Grace Chocolate Superfood

Love Grace Chocolate Superfood

Dear Love Grace,
I am sorry, but this is completely vile. It’s not just my hunger or my hatred of bananas either. I actually don’t even think this tastes much like banana. I made my girlfriend try it as well, as she loves fancy juices and bananas. She said it was one of the worst things she’s ever tasted and it reminded her of vomit.

One might think that a mixture of banana, goji berry, cacao, maca, vanilla bean, dates, coconut oil, flax seed and Himalayan sea salt might be tasty. One would most definitely be wrong. Cacao in its pure form and fruit is always a bad idea. The bitter and the sweet just never mix right. I’ve had goji berries and dark chocolate together before and I thought that was gross with 70% chocolate. This is nearly unbearable.

It’s also so damn thick that it wouldn’t pour out of the bottle. I had to shake it into my mouth. Once I made room in the bottle I added a bit of water to thin it out so I could chug it. I needed that flavor in my mouth for a short of time as possible, while still getting the nourishment. I instantly drank a glass of water to wash it all away. Unfortunately for the next 15 minutes I kept burping it back up. Ugh. This was enough to make me never want to do a cleanse that involved it again.

Website
http://lovegracefoods.com/
Country
United States
Sweetener
No Sugar Added
Categories
Juice, Smoothie
Rating
1/5
Reviewed By
Jason Draper on March 12th, 2014
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Angeleno Agua Fresca Tamarindo

Angeleno Agua Fresca Tamarindo

Normally when you see settling at the bottom of a bottle it means that the company knows what they are doing and you will be in for a treat. When I grabbed this and saw that it was pretty much all clear liquid with an inch of dark brown at the bottom things were looking up. I’m not normally a fan of tamarind, and I don’t really understand how anyone could be, but Angeleno’s other flavors have been great, so I thought this might be my stepping stone into this flavor. Wrong em Boyo.

The sweet and sour flavor of tamarind makes me feel like it is normally used in Chinese food, but they decided to liquefy it and add a bunch of sugar. Liquid Chinese food is no one’s friend. I really couldn’t get past three sips (very small sips) of this. This is the final straw: tamarind is definitely not for me. If you are a fan of this fruit, this is a very sweet version of it. I got no enjoyment out of it, but hopefully someone will. It’s always sad when a product made by Hansens misses the mark.

Website
http://www.hansens.com/us/en/products/juice/aguas-frescas/
Country
United States
Sweetener
Cane Sugar
Categories
Juice
Rating
1/5
Reviewed By
Jason Draper on April 7th, 2014
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