Goya Malta

Goya Malta

Imagine the following. It's Thanksgiving. Everyone has just sat down for a wonderful traditional meal. Suddenly your crazy aunt comes in and pours eight gallons of pureed prunes on everything. That is exactly what Malta Goya tastes like to me. It is the worst beverage I have ever tasted in my life.
Years ago, when I first moved into my current apartment, we had a taco party. Someone thought it would be a good idea to bring a case of this. We all in turn thought it would be a great idea to all chug them at the same time. I then spent the next hour laying on my bathroom floor cringing in pain. I didn't even get another one of these to drink while I wrote this review (which is how I normally do it). It's that bad that I never want the flavor on my tongue again. I wish I could give it a negative rating.
Like this beverage, my sister's boyfriend is from Puerto Rico. I guess people drink it down there like crazy. They can't get enough of it. I can't even come close to understanding that.

Website
http://goya.com
Country
United States
Sweetener
High Fructose Corn Syrup
Categories
Soda Pop
Rating
1/5
Reviewed By
Jason Draper on September 23rd, 2010
Comments
View and Leave A Comment
Buy Now
Goya Soda Malta 2 Cases of 6 Bottles - 12 Bottles - 84oz

Trader Joe's Watermelon Juice

Trader Joe's Watermelon Juice

This went bad. Really bad. Terribly bad. Did I still drink it? Yep-ahh. I'm a glutton for punishment. I'll give you the back-story:

My girlfriend went to Vegas. She only won $100 but with the proceeds, she went to Trader Joe's, a store we don't have where we are from, and bought a handful of stuff that you can't get here. One of those drinks being this watermelon juice. She then came home, gave it to me, and I brought it to work to review.

So here I am, thirsty. After all, I am a thirsty dude. I say to myself that I'm going to try this watermelon juice because, after all, I like watermelon. I open the cap, hand it to my friend Mike (pictured) and he tries it, and quickly shows a face of utter disgust. "It tastes like someone crushed the watermelons with rubber." he says handing the bottle to me. I smell it, and it's putrid. I taste it...equally putrid. It tasted like you ate two day old, thrown out watermelon.

Think like you are a homeless person and you go through the garbage on a Monday after a back yard barbecue held the previous Saturday. You find what looks like a perfectly good slice of watermelon, but lo and behold, it is not. Put that in a bottle and sell it and that's what you've got.

This was probably out of the fridge for too long during transport so I might re-rate this at a later date. If someone else has had this with better luck than myself, please tell me otherwise. If this is how it tastes, share this link with your friends so that they stop making garbage watermelon juice.

Website
http://www.traderjoes.com
Country
United States
Sweetener
No Sugar Added
Categories
Juice
Rating
1/5
Reviewed By
Mike Literman on September 27th, 2010
Comments
View and Leave A Comment

Foco Pennywort Drink

Foco Pennywort Drink

First of all, let me explain the rating. I would not drink this again. It was quite an adventure. I know nothing of whatever pennywort is, and still don't. The image on the front looks like it would have been a drink made out of cilantro, which might have been good. This was better than I had thought it was going to be. The taste was very present. It’s full sugar, full flavor, and full color. This was a dark drab green. I put it in a clear, plastic cup and I couldn't see my hand on the other side. I think if I had a glass half as wide I still wouldn't have been able to see it. The taste was just like a sweet tea that some jokester put grass clippings in. If you've even been bored, picked up some grass and put it in your mouth and chewed it, you would have a non-sweetened version of this.

I've had wheat grass and I guess it's a little bit like that, but at least wheat grass has a natural sweet and not an applied sweet. Does that make sense?

I save "1's" for drinks I simply can't finish and this is one of them. I don't feel the need to torture myself since I've got a fridge filled with other stuff. If I was trapped on an island and a case of this washed up on short, I'd drink it, but until then, I'll let someone else do it.

Website
http://www.thaiagri.com
Country
Thailand
Sweetener
Sugar
Categories
Iced Tea
Rating
1/5
Reviewed By
Mike Literman on September 28th, 2010
Comments
View and Leave A Comment

DeDe Basil Seed with Honey

DeDe Basil Seed with Honey

First of all, look at the large image of this. The flavor tells it all. Basil seeds. This didn't taste like what you would think and all I can use to describe it is if you took a banana Laffy Taffy and rolled it around in birdseed for texture. You know what I hate? Banana Laffy Taffy. If anyone has a good gag reflex and loved banana Laffy Taffy, this could potentially be the drink for you. Otherwise I might advise you stay clear.

This trip to the Asian market is slowly ending up in a bust. I've got to go back, but I might be less adventurous next time.

Country
Thailand
Sweetener
Sugar
Categories
Chunky, Other/Weird, Water
Rating
1/5
Reviewed By
Mike Literman on September 29th, 2010
Comments
View and Leave A Comment

White Cow Dairy Anise

White Cow Dairy Anise

What to say...where to start...alright.

I've been looking for an anise flavored drink for a while. Pop, juice, water, it didn't matter. I never see it and I want it. I put the feelers out and almost instantly I get the feedback that right in my backyard (if my backyard was 5 city blocks) there is a guy who sells anise flavored yogurt drink. Awesome, right? Well here's where it gets fishy.

I go, “Dude's awesome!” He's got cherry and anise and turmeric, all weird stuff. I buy two, one being the anise. It's settled. After all, it's primarily yogurt whey and yogurt solids so it's bound to be good. I see the red on the bottom so it's as if he's powderized anise and put it in this drink.

I uncap it and take a sip and it's alarming. Yes, I get anise, but there is a follow up taste of just soured milk. I know that it's the unpasteurized yogurt but it's got a certain sting that makes me feel like I've done something wrong, like drink soured milk.

I really wanted to like this and I give this guy all the credit in the world for putting this product out as well as very good yogurt. All locally done. This drink is simply not for me but many of my friends like it. I feel like it's either you do or your don't. I don't.

Website
http://www.whitecowdairy.com/
Country
United States
Sweetener
No Sugar Added
Categories
Yogurt
Rating
1/5
Reviewed By
Mike Literman on October 2nd, 2010
Comments
View and Leave A Comment

White Cow Dairy Tumeric

White Cow Dairy Tumeric

I will review this drink simply by copying the conversation with the most adorable ~3 year old girl I know:

Me: Do you want to try this? You might not like it.
Her: What is it?
Me: It's like a yogurt drink with Indian spices in it.
Her: Is it orange juice?
Me: No. Do you still want to try it?
Her: Yes, I'll try it. {sips}.
Me: Do you like it?
Her: No. What is it? It's not orange juice.
Me: It's a strange drink with turmeric in it, which is a spice they put in Indian food.
Her: Why is there Indian food in that drink?

Website
http://www.whitecowdairy.com/
Country
United States
Sweetener
No Sugar Added
Categories
Yogurt
Rating
1/5
Reviewed By
Mike Literman on October 2nd, 2010
Comments
View and Leave A Comment

Cawy Watermelon

Cawy Watermelon

Look at that can. Isn't it just adorable? It’s a fresh young boy just digging into some watermelon. Look at his two teeth just ready to fall out, and the big smile on his face. He loves it so much that he's never been happier. Then unfortunately you have the other version of the can here: OUCH! Wow! That is just terrible.
After getting over that racist can (which I don't know if they still make), here is a description. It smells and tastes just like a watermelon Jolly Rancher. Oddly it has an aftertaste of those Violets candies. It kind of tastes like a soapy old lady would in my imagination. Not a fan of the alternate can or the flavor at all.

Website
http://www.cawy.net
Country
United States
Sweetener
Sugar & Corn Sweetener
Categories
Soda Pop
Rating
1/5
Reviewed By
Jason Draper on October 23rd, 2010
Comments
View and Leave A Comment
Buy Now
CAWY Watermelon, 6 per pack, 12-ounces (Pack of4)

Red Bull Energy Shot

Red Bull Energy Shot

I guess this energy shot could be considered a drink. It tasted like Red Bull mixed with poison; a complete chemical flavor. So gross. Not for me.
If you need to drink a Red Bull go for a regular one, they taste way better.

Website
http://www.redbull.com/
Country
United States
Sweetener
Sucrose
Categories
Energy Drink, Shot
Rating
1/5
Reviewed By
Jason Draper on October 25th, 2010
Comments
View and Leave A Comment
Buy Now
Red Bull Energy Shot, 2-Ounce Bottles (Pack of 24)

Chubby Cream Soda

Chubby Cream Soda

Absolutely gross. It smells like cream soda but tastes like cream soda soap. Gross. I shared half the 8.5 bottle and dumped the rest. Another waste of thirty-three cents. Can't wait for the finale....pineapple.

Website
http://www.chubbysd.com/chubby%20files/chubby.htm
Country
Caribbean
Sweetener
Sugar
Categories
Soda Pop
Rating
1/5
Reviewed By
Mike Literman on November 4th, 2010
Comments
View and Leave A Comment

Genesis Boost Inner Boost Noni

Genesis Boost Inner Boost Noni

Ugh. Look. I just had the gnarliest food poisoning of my life. Worst. It destroyed me. Annihilated, I threw up so hard I fell out of bed. No, I'm not exaggerating. So what do I remember I have in my fridge? This Genesis Inner Boost drink, which is supposed to support detoxification and internal cleansing. What better thing to drink after getting internally crushed by bad seafood? Uh, well, I'll tell you. Anything. I could not like this drink any less. Yes, any less. Took two sips and couldn't touch the stuff. Number 1 ingredient, pear juice, 2; strawberry juice; 3, raspberry juice; 4, grape juice. All good, right? Yeah? Could it be #5, the dreaded Noni berry? I don't know. I'm not a large fan of pears, they are like crappy apples, but this didn't really taste like it. It didn't really taste like anything and smelled even worse.

This drink might be for someone and I'm not looking for something special, too fruity, too dry, too thick, too thin, whatever, I don't care. This seemed borderline undrinkable, like I could give it to 100 people and 100 people would say, "No, not for me." I'm clearly and evidently one in 100.

Website
http://www.genesisboost.com/
Country
United States
Sweetener
No Sugar Added
Categories
Juice, Sports/Dietary Supplement
Rating
1/5
Reviewed By
Mike Literman on November 13th, 2010
Comments
View and Leave A Comment
Buy Now
Inner Boost with Noni for Detoxification 1 Bottle
| 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 |