Rogers Fizzy Amla with Jeera Masala

Rogers Fizzy Amla with Jeera Masala

This was our thousandth review. We needed to do something fun/gross/different for you and we decided to incorporate some significant others, pets, and babies. Watch the video and learn what we thought about Rogers Fizzy Amla with Jeera Masala.

Thank you very much for following us along this partially disgusting, partially delicious, mostly mediocre trip. Now, for your viewing pleasure, have a video review.

Country
India
Sweetener
Sugar
Categories
Other/Weird, Sparkling
Rating
1/5
Reviewed By
Mike Literman on April 17th, 2011
Comments
View and Leave A Comment

Malta Hatuey Non Alcoholic Cereal Beverage

Malta Hatuey Non Alcoholic Cereal Beverage

I enlisted my friend Mary Liz to help me review some drinks today. We didn't know what to expect with this one, but since it has barley malt and hops in it we had a feeling it would taste like beer.

The smell, in a word, gross. It's really strong and sort of has a molasses hint to it. The taste isn't any better. Mary Liz says it tastes like rotting fruit and vegetable juice. I honestly can't figure out what it reminds me of, but it's too gross to drink anymore. It almost tastes like molasses that has been sitting out for a year. Mary Liz asked if we could give this drink a zero, but unfortunately we can't.

Country
United States
Sweetener
Fructose
Categories
Other/Weird, Soda Pop
Rating
1/5
Reviewed By
Derek Neuland on April 27th, 2011
Comments
View and Leave A Comment
Buy Now
Malta Hatuey Light 6PK 7 OZ

Sparkling Ice Pomegranate Berry

Sparkling Ice Pomegranate Berry

Drinking this beverage is like voluntarily taking a vacation to a diet nightmare. Think of yourself as a standard man. You love hamburgers, french fries, milkshakes, and you drive a sweet '64 1/2 Ford Mustang. You have enough product in your hair to be considered a natural disaster and all you wear is blue jeans, black shoes, and white V-neck T-shirts. Sure, all I know about being a man apparently came from "Happy Days", but that was when men were men and women were women...not really, but you know how these reviews tend to go.

So you're a man. While eating a cheeseburger from some chrome diner, you meet another woman's glance and you fall in love. You go to the drive in. You go to whatever a sock hop is. You listen to records. All is great in the world. You decide to get a place together. You first shopping excursion, you buy the following standard items; hamburgers, Murry's pomade, toothpaste, new pack of shirts since yours all have greaze on it from working on your hog, and some cereal. Your girlfriend is trying out dieting even though she can't clock in at more than 110. I mean, she's got a killer body and you can lift her all day long, and you do. She buys items like, low fat milk, egg whites, Lean Pockets, and Sparkling Ice Pomegranate Berry.

You pay the $7.32 bill and head home, not having any idea of the torturous night you have ahead of you.

You make some hamburgers for yourself since you girlfriend wouldn't dare eat meat because it's too fatty and she's endlessly watching her figure, so she makes an egg white omelet. You think it's fine because she's so easy to look at and you ask her for something to drink while she's in the kitchen. She grabs you one of her six Sparkling Ice drinks. You sit down to a nice meal and you take a bite of your burger, love it, and then take a big, manly sip of your drink. You can't believe it. Your otherwise perfect girlfriend is trying to poison you. Surly, no one who is trying to live would drink this. It's fruity but so fake tasting that you swear it's flavored plastic fruit like the kind your grandma has on her living room table like she's permanently doing "still life" art drawing of the same fruit. You take another sip. It's no better than the first. It’s so sharp, so strong. It's cuts through the flavor of your meal and slices it's way down your throat like candy coated razor blades.

Needless to say, you and her do not work out and it's unfortunate. She had everything going for her, and people aren't going to understand. You'll catch flak for it for a while until people realize that this "diet" thing that's going on is not good for business. You'll be fine and you will grow from your experience while she will search endlessly for results that will never be enough and she will forever be unsatisfied.

Website
http://www.sparklingice.com/
Country
United States
Sweetener
Sucralose
Categories
Diet, Sparkling, Water
Rating
1/5
Reviewed By
Mike Literman on May 8th, 2011
Comments
View and Leave A Comment
Buy Now
Sparkling ICE Mountain Spring Water, Pomegranate Berry, 17-Ounce Bottles (Pack of 12)

Bolthouse Farms Protein Plus Strawberries + Yogurt + Granola

Bolthouse Farms Protein Plus Strawberries + Yogurt + Granola

I actually had this a few weeks ago, but I was so disgusted by it that I left the bottle somewhere. Where to begin? How about by listing three things I love? Strawberries. Yogurt. Granola. One would think that by mixing them all together you would have awesomeness x's 3. One would also be wrong, just like this drink. It's a crime against nature that such great ingredients when mixed together would turn out so terribly. It tasted sour. I checked the expiration date and it had not passed. I also bought it from the grocery store, went home where I immediately put it in the fridge. No more than eight hours later I took it out and drank it. By drank it I mean took three sips before giving up. I shook it properly and everything. It's just not good. It's the only product Bolthouse has put out that I haven't loved. To add insult to injury there wasn't even chunks of granola in it like I had expected. It had all been blended together into a smooth liquid. Lame.

Website
http://bolthouse.com
Country
United States
Sweetener
Cane Sugar
Categories
Sports/Dietary Supplement, Yogurt
Rating
1/5
Reviewed By
Jason Draper on May 12th, 2011
Comments
View and Leave A Comment

Botanical Vitality Citrus Splash

Botanical Vitality Citrus Splash

This is a diet water based drink similar to Vitamin Water or Gatorade. I took a sip and it tasted a bit strange. It was slightly chalky and tasted of citrus. There was something else there that I couldn't quite place. I handed the bottle off to Editor Dan and he couldn't place it either, although he was familiar with it. It was at this time that Dan discovered the downfall of this drink. He looked at the ingredients to try and sort out what the mystery flavor was. He didn't find what he was looking for. Instead he found that the drink contained cod, pollock, haddock, hake, cusk, redfish, sole and flounder in the form of "fish gelatin." What the hell!?!?!! I don't understand it at all, and I certainly don't approve. One sip was all that I ingested of this drink. It was mediocre at best to begin with, but the fact that I was drinking Nemo makes me say no thank you.

Country
United States
Sweetener
Sucralose
Categories
Diet, Water
Rating
1/5
Reviewed By
Jason Draper on May 12th, 2011
Comments
View and Leave A Comment

FunctionALOE Cleanse Cucumber

FunctionALOE Cleanse Cucumber

I just finished off a container of hands down the best salsa I have ever tasted in my life. Christine Mackie’s mom made it, and I will love her forever for her salsa skills. The mass amounts of basil in it made it absolutely incredible. I am going to have dreams for months about this salsa. It will haunt me that it is not readily available in my life.

Now that it’s gone I just want a nice crisp tasting beverage. Cucumber drinks have never failed me in the past. They are always refreshing and tasty. Now you mix cucumber with aloe and you should have an award winning drink, right? Wrong! If I were a dirty child at some crazy strict olde timey Catholic school a nun would have smacked me over the knuckles with a ruler for that incorrect answer. Yes in theory it should have been amazing. In the world of functionAloe it was down right terrible. It tastes like neither aloe nor cucumber. It does taste like it should be some sort of cleaner. I really couldn’t get more than a few sips down before I started contemplating if I needed to call poison control. If I downed this entire bottle I think I might have to get my stomach pumped. I guess they weren’t kidding when they named this “Cleanse.”

Some people may blame the taste on the fact that it’s sweetened with stevia, but I can vouch for that little guy. I’ve had plenty of drinks that he has sweetened and he is my favorite “diet” sweetener. Also, there are no chunks in this. What is a point of an aloe drink without fun chunks?

For something that had the potential to be one of my favorite drinks ever this went in completely the wrong direction. It would have been hard for them to make it any worse. I really wish I had more of that incredible salsa to kill the poison on my tongue.

Website
http://www.lilyofthedesert.com
Country
United States
Sweetener
Stevia Leaf Extract
Categories
Aloe Vera, Diet, Sports/Dietary Supplement
Rating
1/5
Reviewed By
Jason Draper on June 28th, 2011
Comments
View and Leave A Comment
Buy Now
Function Aloe Cleanse Cucumber 16.20 Ounces

Fresca Citrus Peach

Fresca Citrus Peach

So where do I start?

I suppose, at my refrigerator!

My husband LOVES his soda. Our refrigerator is always amply stocked to the brim because he drinks at least 12 cans or bottles of it a day. So, a few weeks ago, on a weekend jaunt to Massachusetts, we went shopping at the local Big Y supermarket and found a sale for 12 packs that we both just couldn't resist. FOUR 12 packs for 12.00. NOT BAD!! A pretty damn good deal!!

One of the soda's he picked in the mix and match aisle was the DIET FRESCA PEACH CITRUS soda, and I am going to pop one for me now to try.

Wendy The Snapple Lady

I have to admit to you that I have never even heard of this flavor much less tasted it, so here goes.
Okay...clearly a diet drink, I can taste this right away as it hits my tongue. The taste is peachy, and not too bad.....UH OH...now the citrus has hit and it has totally wiped the saliva clear out of my mouth!!! I have TOTAL COTTON MOUTH!!

So now I am drinking another sip to see if this is an aberration of sorts, but it has happened again. It has taken me about a minute for my salivary glands to start working again.

I need to drink a water immediately to wipe out the dry mouth and aftertaste.

The moral of the story is YOU GET WHAT YOU PAY FOR SOMETIMES.

I rate this one bottle for the Peach taste.

Website
http://www.fresca.com
Country
United States
Sweetener
Aspartame
Categories
Diet, Soda Pop, Sparkling
Rating
1/5
Reviewed By
Wendy - The "Ex" Snapple Lady on July 12th, 2011
Comments
View and Leave A Comment
Buy Now
Fresca Peach Citrus Soda, 12 oz Can (Pack of 24)

Cooperstown Brewing Co. World Series Root Beer

Cooperstown Brewing Co. World Series Root Beer

Welcome back to the World Series of Soda Pop. We've had an exciting game thus far and we're now in the bottom of the ninth and team Ginger Beer winning against Root Beer 14 to 11.

First up to bat we have Stewarts. Oh he just barely makes it to first on a bunt. Who on Earth bunts when no one is on base? I guess that's Stewarts. Now approaching the plate is Virgils. It's a fly ball out into left field! Virgils brings it in with a double. We now have Stewarts on third and Virgils on second and Barqs is up to bat. Strike One! He seems a little rattled, but let's see how he does on this next pitch. Oh it's a ground ball right to the third baseman. Virgil's not going anywhere, but at least the bases are now loaded. Cooperstown is stepping up to the plate and he's pointing to the stands. This is a root beer that talks a big game and he's looking for a grand slam to win this game for Root Beer. Here's the first pitch. Strike One! Oh man he didn't even swing at it. He's literally shrugging it off. He looks totally bored out there. The pitcher is winding up. Strike Two! Cooperstown was actually leaning back on his bat for that one. The nerve of this guy! It all boils down to this pitch. The runners seem pretty confident and are taking fairly decent leads off the bases. The pitch is thrown and Cooperstown makes contact, although the ball looked like it got hit by a 6 year old. It was a fly ball that went directly into the second baseman's mitt. He then tagged Virgil's out at third. It seems like Stewarts didn't realize that the ball was caught and before he could get back to third the ball was thrown to Goya and that's three outs ladies and gentleman. Ginger Beer Wins the Pennant! Ginger Beer Wins the Pennant! Cooperstown really screwed the pooch on this one ladies and gentleman. He was cocky because he was named after the baseball hall of fame. The thing he didn't realize was that he actually tastes like watered down store brand root beer. Acidic and lacking much flavor. Ladies and gentleman not only did he cause Root Beer to lose the World Series, but he also may be the worst root beer I have ever tasted.

Website
http://www.cooperstownbrewing.com
Country
United States
Sweetener
High Fructose Corn Syrup
Categories
Root Beer, Soda Pop
Rating
1/5
Reviewed By
Jason Draper on July 17th, 2011
Comments
View and Leave A Comment

Pure Cool It's Berry Cool! Pomegranate, Cherry, & Cranberry

Pure Cool It's Berry Cool! Pomegranate, Cherry, & Cranberry

Greg makes a good point. He said, "How can you make a product like this. Doesn't anyone taste it before it leaves the company?" I made everyone, and I mean everyone, drink this because it was so bad. How bad? I would describe this as a berry scented urinal cake. Ladies, don't know what a urinal cake smell like? Go to your local bar, and don't bother going into the bathroom because it already smells like a urinal cake. If it doesn't, go into the men's room and take a big whiff. That's pee and urinal cakes [slash] what this drink tastes like. It was co-described as a watered down cough syrup. I concur. It was co-described as medicinal. I concur. I was going to make up this great tale about how I'm "pure cool" but it's not worth it.

Honestly, you have to taste it to believe it, but this is sheer garbage. It is "cool" but I think that it's the cherry in there that's medicinifying, a technical term, this drink. I had ten people try it and there is half a bottle left. No one except me went in for seconds. No double takes. No, "wait, is it really that bad?" Well friends, I will tell you, it was that bad and it still is that bad, in a half full bottle, in the garbage.

Garbage. If you see it, it will inevitably be on sale. Buy it and make one of your dumb friends taste it. You'll laugh when you hear what he has to say about it. It will probably be something along the lines of what I described above.

Website
http://www.drinkpurecool.com/
Country
United States
Sweetener
No Sugar Added
Categories
Water
Rating
1/5
Reviewed By
Mike Literman on August 4th, 2011
Comments
View and Leave A Comment
Buy Now
PURE COOL Berry Cool, 16 Ounce Bottles (Pack of 12)

RelaxZen Day

RelaxZen Day

As a pseudo-impulse buy I got a new laptop. I was at the store and I saw they had them cheap. The entire ride home was spent justifying to myself that I could afford it and that I needed a new computer. By the time I walked in the door I was convinced and walked right up to my computer that works perfectly fine and typed in newegg.com. I found a better computer for cheaper within a couple of minutes and after a bit of hemming and hawing, I bought it.

It's now a few days later and I have my new toy in front of me and I have just finished installing what I believe to be all the programs I need. I am now at the point of extreme frustration; getting Traktor to recognize my MIDI mixer for when I DJ. When I first set it up with my old computer I thought my head was going to explode. I convinced myself it would be easier this time, but nope. I'm sure I'll spend hours working on it and get extremely frustrated. I am at a fairly high level of frustration now. That is where this drink comes in.

Like a lot of functional drinks this tastes like some sort of melted down treat. In this case it's orange freezie pop with a medicinal aftertaste. It really isn't nearly as bad as I expected. It's actually kind of like Tang. I wonder if this is what astronauts drink to stay calm and focused. I feel like it's starting to kick in, so now back to my personal hell for the night.

Website
http://www.relaxzenshots.com/
Country
United States
Sweetener
Sucralose
Categories
Relaxation, Shot
Rating
1/5
Reviewed By
Jason Draper on August 24th, 2011
Comments
View and Leave A Comment
Buy Now
RelaxZen Day Formula, Mellow Berry Flavor, 6 - 2.5-Ounce Bottles
| 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 |