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Kirin Afternoon Milk Tea Chocolate

Kirin Afternoon Milk Tea Chocolate

First of all, dudes at work don't know how I do. I invited six people to drink this and give me a review. I said, "Here's your chance to be on a famous website no different than if you were Caroline Rhea or Anthony Michael Hall." They laughed, threw tomatoes at me like this was the early 1900's. I didn't even know we had tomatoes in the office but there is some sort of secret closet that contains nothing but over-ripened tomatoes ready for the next bad joke or snake oil salesman. In this case, it was my attempt to make half a dozen dudes filthy rich like me. Your loss, turds. Your loss.

How's this? Well, it's fine. It tastes like chocolate milk. One said, "It tastes like hot cocoa. No. It tastes like Yoo-hoo." which I kind of agree with. If there is tea in this, and I'm not doubting there is, it is promptly and sufficiently overshadowed by sugar and chocolate. Is that the worst thing in the world? No. Is the fact that it is eight months past expiration date that really makes it? No. It isn't. It just tastes like chocolate milk. That's cool, right? Yes and no. I wanted a chocolate tea with Jasmine and Rooibos tea, as friggin' promised. I just got a white person's chocolate milk. We all know that white people are the worst, right? I mean, enjoy your mac and cheese, idiots.

To the six people that drank this that are not on my yacht, think twice next time I offer you something you can't read the label for that you saw three other people drink before you. It could be the thing that turns your life around. Now I'm sorry but I have to go put tanning oil on hot babes that aren't my wife. My wife is cool with it. She told me she was.



As I tend to do, I spoke too soon.

Nick said:


I was approached by Mike with a nod and a wink, which of course either meant it was time for an afternoon tryst... or time to sample a new beverage. As I do require continued employment and HR frowns on at-work conjugal relations, it was fortunately the latter.

The beverage in question was a bottle which was decidedly not labeled for sale in America, fully decked out in Asian-language glyphs. OK, we have a potential mouth party, here. Strap in, taste buds.

I did see one English word: chocolate. Now, chocolate for me can be a multi-layer extravaganza of flavors, or a cloyingly sweet abomination of which Hershey's would be proud. The first sip showed this drink leaned more towards the latter. Primary flavor: sweet. Meh. There's also a texture that says to me there's some milk or other form of emulsified fat going on here. It's feels a little creamy.

What followed was a flavor I can describe as not-hot hot chocolate. Yeah, you know... the cup of hot chocolate you made to warm up after snow-blowing the GD driveway for the second time today, only to be drawn away by a wife request for something that clearly would have been less time for her to just do herself, and then later re-discover your room-temp cup, and then remembering as you drink it that room-temp hot chocolate is not nearly as good, and become lost in a downward spiral of negative emotions. Maybe that's just me, though. OK, I'm exaggerating. It's not bad. It's just not *good*. I wouldn't seek it out for this part. Thus far, we're not looking at a beverage I'd actively seek out again.

Ah - but the last, lingering hit of background tastes (and aftertaste). There's something going on here. Putting a finger on it is nigh impossible, between OMG SWEET and the milky texture and the mild cocoa. But there's... something. A complex of multiple things, very subtle. I'd later learn this was tea and hibiscus. It could have been turmeric and turpentine for all I could tell; they're so muted. But it *was* pleasant.
Is the little blend of almost missed flavors enough to make this a repeat drink?

Nah. I think it would have benefited from those secondary flavors being brought forward more.

I'm happy to have sampled it, and I enjoyed drinking what I had, but no, I wouldn't buy one. I'd probably have a hit if it was given to me. Especially if it was from Mike... with that wink and nod.

Country
China
Sweetener
Sugar
Categories
Iced Tea, Milk
Rating
3/5
Reviewed By
Mike Literman 3 weeks, 4 days ago
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Nongfu Spring Tea Peach Oolong

Nongfu Spring Tea Peach Oolong

It's been a long time since I've drank anything with this much sugar in it. There is sugar, presumably cane sugar, and also honey which makes this peach oolong taste fantastic. Seriously, this was great. If it had half the sugar, it might be better. The honey adds more flavor than it did sweetness but man, this was good. The peach flavor was good. I might say that the sugar overpowered the child custody arm wrestling match against the oolong to the point where it was just a "tea base" instead of something truly distinguishable.

Would I get this again? I don't think so. I would recommend it with the caveat of, "If you like sweet tea, you will love this." but my palate doesn't really do so hot against drinks like this anymore. It doesn't hurt the review but it would count against me telling other people to get it. Seriously, though. If you like sweetened, flavored tea, get this. Get this and you'll never drink a Brisk raspberry again. I know peach and raspberries are different fruits but if you are looking to become a better person in society, this over that.

Country
China
Sweetener
Sugar
Categories
Iced Tea
Rating
4/5
Reviewed By
Mike Literman on January 3rd, 2019
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Rockstar Boom Whipped Strawberry

Rockstar Boom Whipped Strawberry

I don’t know what type of Rockstar who would choose this nonsense as their “drink of choice,” energy related or not. It always blows my mind that energy drinks seem to be made mostly in flavors that would be of interest to mostly children. Is this like cigarette companies making their ads attractive to kids? I’m pretty sure it is. In 15-20 years I can only imagine there will be a crazy spike in the number of heart attacks due to organs being weakened over time from people constantly drinking these things.

You know those strawberry candies that come wrapped in foil/plastic that is supposed to look like a strawberry? This tastes like a watered down version of that with some skim milk in it for some reason. I know it says it’s whipped, but that is still a little unnerving to me. It’s like a liquid strawberries and cream that doesn’t taste even remotely natural. I really chose poorly with this one.

Website
http://www.rockstar69.com/
Country
United States
Sweetener
Sugar
Categories
Energy Drink
Rating
2/5
Reviewed By
Jason Draper on December 31st, 2018
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Monster Juice Pacific Punch

Monster Juice Pacific Punch

Sometimes I like to go into drinks blind and see if what I anticipate is what the beverage actually is without reading the description or ingredients on the can/bottle. With a name like Pacific Punch and the sailor flash art on the can I fully expected this to be some play on a pina colada. That sort of art just makes me think rum, and while I know it’s in other adult cocktails, I always think of the beverage made famous by an absolutely horrible song. I apparently purchased a one way trip to Wrongoville, because this is a wonderfully delicious tropical punch. It is a mix of orange, apple, raspberry, guava, cherry, pineapple and passionfruit. It’s a collection of wonderful all mixed together into a sum of its parts that is greater than the individual. It is clearly the taste o f a tropical Pacific island (even though half the ingredients are not tropical at all). If this is what was available to me, I would not mind being stranded on a desert island at all. No humanity, just delicious fruit juice? Yes please!

This really reminds me of something from my younger years, but I’m not exactly sure what. I want to say one of the original Sobe flavors (maybe the yellow), but it could be something else. It’s definitely something that I used to love though, and forgot that I was missing.

Website
http://www.monsterenergy.com
Country
United States
Sweetener
Sugar
Categories
Energy Drink
Rating
4/5
Reviewed By
Jason Draper on November 17th, 2018
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Cafe Bustelo Cafe Con Chocolate

Cafe Bustelo Cafe Con Chocolate

I've been reviewing a lot of coffee drinks lately. I haven't been reviewing much, truth be told, but I've been reviewing a lot of coffee drinks. I don't know why. Probably because I feel like all I do is work, come home, watch my dumb kids and then after they are in bed, just watch YouTube and go to sleep. It's been a repetitive couple weeks and trust me, I'm as bored of it as you are reading about it.

So how is this, you ask? Well, it's fine. It's got a decent but not great coffee taste. I'm no connoisseur but the coffee might be a bit dark or perhaps a little burnt for my liking. The chocolate is fine but it's strong. It might also be a little too sweet. I don't know if anyone who likes coffee would actually like this. I'm right in the middle so I'm fine with it but it's either "too this" or "too that" for anyone who has a solid opinion one way or the other.

I've got to get out of this rut...this coffee isn't helping. I think the next step is going to be a Buick, starched collar and a start to that suicide note I never thought I'd write.

Website
http://cafebustelo.com/
Country
United States
Sweetener
Sugar
Categories
Coffee
Rating
3/5
Reviewed By
Mike Literman on July 27th, 2018
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Monster Caffe Mocha

Monster Caffe Mocha

When I saw this, my first thought was, “Is this just a repackaging of the Monster Java line?” After drinking it and doing a little bit of research I’m still not sure. Perhaps if I drank them back to back I could give you a more definitive answer, but as of now I can only say…maybe? This is chocolatey and very creamy. There is actual more milk in here that I would want. While I can get behind a latte, recently I prefer my coffee based beverages without cream. The chocolate in here is really nice though. It tastes like chocolate and not just chocolate flavor. Overall this tastes more like a frothy chocolate milk with a splash of coffee in it, rather than the other way around. All of the energy drink aspects of this are not present in the flavor at all. There is no chemical or liquid candy flavor at all.

I’m going to assume this is different than the Java line, because I still saw those in the cooler, and why would the store stock both? Perhaps the difference is this uses Arabica coffee. Who knows? It’s tasty and that’s all that matters to me.

Website
http://www.monsterenergy.com
Country
United States
Sweetener
Sugar
Categories
Coffee, Energy Drink
Rating
3/5
Reviewed By
Jason Draper on June 2nd, 2018
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Teavana Craft Iced Tea Mango Black Tea

Teavana Craft Iced Tea Mango Black Tea

When there is a line of beverages comes out that is on the fancier side of things I get excited. I dust of my spat and polish up the old monocle in preparation for greatness. More often than not there is one flavor in said line that just doesn’t live up the uniqueness of the others. For Teavana it is the mango black tea. I can be all uppity and say something along the lines of, “why don’t they make a raspberry one while they are at it?” Mango has become a fairly commonplace flavoring of tea nowadays and it certainly does not like up to the expectations that one has for say a Passion Tango or a Pineapple berry Blue. I certainly wouldn’t de-collapse my opera hat for such a peasant’s beverage.

Yeah, all of the above is me being a pretentious buffoon. This tea is wonderful and it is incredibly far from being a tea that anyone would call common. The ingredients are listed as tea infusion, sugar, natural flavors and citric acid. Now most mango flavored teas use some sort of syrup that isn’t actually derived from the fruit and it shows. This tastes like someone cut up a half dozen mangos and let their juicy sweetness just soak into the brewed tea. This tastes so much like actual mango that I am a bit dumbfounded that mango juice isn’t an ingredient. Teavana you’ve won me over yet again. Keep them coming.

Website
http://www.republicoftea.com
Country
United States
Sweetener
Sugar
Categories
Iced Tea
Rating
4/5
Reviewed By
Jason Draper on April 26th, 2018
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Hype Energy Up Maximum Punch

Hype Energy Up Maximum Punch

From Poland, to Knoxville, TN, and then all the way to Buffalo, NY this brand is quite a world traveler. The question is was all of that travelling worth it? I mean they are bringing that standard blend of energy drink flavor to the people with their original blend, but so are about fifty other companies, many doing it “locally.” To stand out Hype decided to switch things up and while they were doing so they slipping and smashed their dang face on the way down. This drink is definitely a misstep. It has that children’s chewable vitamin flavor that most energy drinks have, but along with that they decided to mix the taste of children’s aspirin as well as some adult vitamins. Perhaps that wouldn’t have been so bad if it sat underneath a nice fruit punch flavor, but things got all mixed up and the fruit punch is the minor flavor in here and all the weirdness is so much stronger than it. It’s like someone watered down Hawaiian Punch and then ground up a whole mess of vitamins and aspirin and mixed it in. It’s not the best. Functionally it works great and I got the much needed energy I was looking for on an overnight drive, but I was really forcing myself to get through this can.

Website
http://www.hype.com/
Country
Poland
Sweetener
Sugar
Categories
Energy Drink
Rating
2/5
Reviewed By
Jason Draper on April 20th, 2018
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Teavana Craft Iced Tea Passion Tango Herbal Tea

Teavana Craft Iced Tea Passion Tango Herbal Tea

Have you ever tasted the liquid gold that is Starbucks Passion Tea? Are you like me and love ever second of it but something about buying it from them makes you feel dirty? Sure I probably buy a ton of stuff from much worse companies, but I grew up in a time when coffee shops weren’t so sterile and we're actually pretty seedy a lot of the time. They were a haven for artists, musicians and junkies. I miss that. I blame Starbucks for the homogenization of them. I'm sure most people see that as a plus, not this guy.
Anyway, so I've bought the tea leaves myself to make it at home and then never comes out the same. It's tasty, but not nearly as delicious. This is hibiscus with cinnamon, apple, licorice root, and lemongrass. It's how I dream anything hibiscus should taste, yet few do. So here I am, brewing tea that never turns out as good, cursing my inability. Then Teavana releases these ready to drink versions. Sure they are sweetened (not too much) and I'd prefer them to be unsweetened, but I will take what I can get when it comes to this incredible spiced floral tea. Now I need to work on not downing the entire bottle so fast and learn to sip and not gulp.

Website
http://www.republicoftea.com
Country
United States
Sweetener
Sugar
Categories
Iced Tea
Rating
5/5
Reviewed By
Jason Draper on April 3rd, 2018
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Starbucks Refreshers Black Chery Limeade

Starbucks Refreshers Black Chery Limeade

It seems that Starbucks is easing back on advertising their Refresher line as “Natural energy from green coffee extract.” I mean it’s still in there, but it’s just not boldly proclaimed on the front of the can. Instead they are leaning on the coconut water and real fruit juice angle. Whatever they are pushing it is still the same product, well with coconut water added. I think the result is supposed to resemble a natural Gatorade for adults. It has the coconut water and juice to help rehydrate and refresh you, with the added bonus of caffeine to keep you moving. Then again there isn’t such sodium in this so I’m probably totally off base. It’s also carbonated, so yeah ignore that comparison. I should probably go back and just delete that part, but it looks like I’m going to just keep typing out my thoughts and forgo any professionalism. To reiterate Refreshers do not equal adult Gatorade. They always have seemed like kind of a hangover drink to me. I wonder what percentage of their sales are used for that purpose.

I suppose I should tough on the taste of this thing. It tastes like a lighter black cherry soda. Makes sense right. That’s not a flavor I’m overly fond of, but lucky for me there is some lime in the aftertaste and that is something I can get behind. It is all improved through the use of real juice and not just some syrupy mix. I think it might be the coconut water that is making it taste lighter. It just smooths is out a little. Oh wait I just saw that salt is an ingredient so I’m back on the adult Gatorade kick. Nothing but staunch professionalism here.

Website
http://www.starbucks.com
Country
United States
Sweetener
Sugar
Categories
Coconut, Diet, Soda Pop
Rating
3/5
Reviewed By
Jason Draper on March 30th, 2018
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