High Fructose Corn Syrup (495 reviews)

Arteasia Black Tea Peach

Arteasia Black Tea Peach

It's no surprise that Thirsty Dudes don't like St. Patrick's Day. Belligerent drinking, horrible songs, everyone wearing green, and the mid-afternoon vomit parade all equate to just us wishing we were anywhere else. This morning at quarter after ten I drove down the street and saw a dude drove his car into someone's front yard. Two firetrucks later and a detour from me, maybe that will be a lesson to that dude that even though you can theoretically do whatever it is you want, drinking that early in the morning and then driving is a terrible, stupid idea.

I was at a party with friends and didn't have anything to drink. I normally bring stuff but with my kid, I knew I wasn't going to be able to dedicate any amount of time to ponder over a drink. I stuck it out, went home, hoped I had a good tea waiting for me, failed, and found this. I don't know where it came from but memory wants me to think that Derek was "nice" enough to give it to me. Nothing good comes in a plastic bottle this big. Nothing good comes in a plastic bottle this big and uses corn syrup as a sweetener. I knew what I was in for. I smelled it as soon as I opened the bottle.

What I got? Validation. It's got that awful "bad tea" sting with a tremendously prominent peach taste and an almost non-existent "black tea" taste. If you can call Brisk tea, than this is tea but I wouldn't call it tea as much as I would call it a juice and tea drink. Oh wait! They already did that. It is poorly flavored like iced tea and tastes like those gallon containers of "drink" if they made them in peach, which they might, I don't know and would rather not drink anything than drink that liquid sewage.

So it's bad. Who would have thought, right? What do you mean that tea isn't supposed to sting? That's not natural? That's not organic? No, dummy. This is low quality junk that we found for a dollar at a discount store.

Website
http://drinkarteasia.com/
Country
United States
Sweetener
High Fructose Corn Syrup
Categories
Iced Tea
Rating
2/5
Reviewed By
Mike Literman on March 18th, 2012
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Good-O Kola Champagne

Good-O Kola Champagne

It's been a long time since I've had a champagne cola. It's been never since I've had a good champagne cola. Oh, you like chewing bubble gum and you like drinking sickeningly average cola simultaneously? Welp, done. This is horrifyingly sweet to boot. I have had everyone in the office, which is four people and someone outside try this and I am just breaking the top of the label. That's not good for business. Good-O has a large array of products, most of which I haven't liked thus far.

If you like things like generic cola and bubble gum ice cream, this is it. You don't need another drink. If you're not nine years old and can distinguish a quality product, you won't want to grab this on your next trip to the store.

Website
http://www.goodo.com
Country
United States
Sweetener
High Fructose Corn Syrup
Categories
Soda Pop
Rating
2/5
Reviewed By
Mike Literman on March 20th, 2012
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Old Towne Beverages Pineapple Passion Fruit

Old Towne Beverages Pineapple Passion Fruit

Imagine this if you will. It’s about 1am and you’re about to make a 3+ hour drive from Cleveland to Buffalo. You just got out of a show and you are dying of thirst. The thing is that you’re in the ghetto and pretty much everything is closed. You finally find a gas station, but your driver won’t stop because of “unsavory characters.” Instead you find a second gas station that looks far worse than the original one to you. You know you have a long drive ahead of you and you don’t want to sleep so a large beverage is what is needed. There it is staring you in your big stupid face. Pineapple Passion Fruit pop, with a suggested retail price of 99 cents. Keep in mind you’ve had a long day and your brain is weak from lack of fluids (that’s a thing, right?). To you this is a holy grail. Two of the worlds greatest fruits together for possibly the first time in soda form, in a bottle that is so big it will last you the entire three hours home, and on top of that it’s under a dollar. The gods must be smiling down on me. I quickly made my purchase and went back to the car. I didn’t even have the door of the car closed behind me when I suddenly realized four things: those fruits probably shouldn’t be made into soda, no one in their right mind needs that much fluid, especially when they are driving, nothing that big should be that cheap and that I had made a terrible mistake.

To sum this up, it’s now over a month later and I’m sitting here with this bottle and there is only maybe 1/5 of it gone. I didn’t get very far into it that night, or in the following weeks, because well it didn’t taste very good. It tastes just like it costs: cheap. The flavor isn’t pineapple nor passion fruit, but a general tropical citrus flavor. That is if tropical citrus flavor tasted completely artificial and like cheap hard candy. If you’re watching someone’s kids and you don’t care about their health give them this to drink. Their taste buds aren’t fully formed so all they will taste is the sugar, and they will probably love it. I can’t see any adults liking this, that is unless they accidentally drank a glass of acid in a lab, or blew far too much coke (isn’t any far too much?) and can no longer taste anything.

Country
United States
Sweetener
High Fructose Corn Syrup
Categories
Soda Pop
Rating
2/5
Reviewed By
Jason Draper on March 24th, 2012
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Brisk Peach Iced Green Tea

Brisk Peach Iced Green Tea

If you were a teenage slacker in the 90's like I was, you probably made several trips a day to a corner store/mini mart. They were a right of passage for our kind. It was somewhere to waste time and get junk food; a win-win situation. I drank more Brisk in my day than anyone probably should. I didn't know better. I was young and new to the iced tea game. I thought Brisk was great. I would have drunk it by the gallon if it was available in that large of a quantity. Basically, I was an idiot. Now I'm a grown ass man and I am a bit of a tea coinsure. I understand that Brisk is garbage tea. Actually, it probably shouldn't even be classified as tea, as it's more sugar than actual tea. Is there even any real tea in Brisk? That being said I haven't touched the stuff in quite a while.

Last week Mike and I went on a little shopping spree at a local super market to pick up some of the more common drinks that we have overlooked thus far for Thirsty Dudes. I ended up with this bottle of peach green tea Brisk. I knew it was going to be pretty gross, and at a liter it was going to get continuously worse. I drank it throughout the day at work and I was pretty spot on. I checked the ingredients and there is no mention of actual tea in it at all. The peach flavor is super intense. It doesn't taste like real peaches at all. It tastes like those gummy peach rings in the bulk section. It's basically fake peach flavored sugar water. Since it doesn't contain actual tea, it's not surprising that it doesn't taste like green tea. I would actually say that their version of green tea is really just a lighter version of their normal tea, which kind of remotely tastes like tea. Lipton I know you have it in you to make some quality teas. I'm tasted them and they are great. I think it's time you put the Brisk line to rest. You're better than it. You know it. I know it. The whole world knows it.

Website
http://www.drinkbrisk.com
Country
United States
Sweetener
High Fructose Corn Syrup
Categories
Iced Tea
Rating
2/5
Reviewed By
Jason Draper on April 7th, 2012
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Arteasia White Tea + Pomegranate

Arteasia White Tea + Pomegranate

When I was in high school a bunch of my friends and I stopped by a grocery store for some provisions for a night of hanging out in the woods. Okay the woods were actually the fields at the end of one of the kid’s street, but there were a bunch of trees and we had a totally sweet hang out spot. I don’t remember what I got to drink, but I can assure you that I purchased a huge loaf of Italian bread. I can also assure you that I ripped off the top, hollowed out a bit of it, filled that space with bulk candy and then popped the top back on. What can I say; I was poor and a thief. Sue me. My purchases aren’t the important point of interest here. The important thing is that my one friend bought a jug of loganberry drink. He was so stoked because it was in this huge jug. When we got down to the fields he opened it up took a huge sip and immediately spit it everywhere. You see he wasn’t the most observant kid, and he failed to notice that the jug was a concentrate and not ready to drink. He was probably supposed to mix in a gallon of water or so with the amount he gulped. I bring this up because as I took a sip of this I had a similar reaction. I didn’t spit it out, but I was fairly sure it was a concentrate. Nope. This is just ridiculously sweet and ridiculously strong. I don’t mean that in a good way either. I really only made it maybe ¼ of the way through the bottle, and it got less intense the more I drank, but it still didn’t taste very good, hence my dumping the rest. White tea normally has a very specific taste to it, but with all of the added sugar in this you can’t even tell. This would be any type of tea, or just sugar water and you would never know the difference. It also contains 1% juice, which is laughable. That juice is pomegranate, and it just tastes like some sort of pomegranate syrup that would be put on a snow cone.

Not only was this gross, but it also was 1.5 liters of gross. That is 1.4 more liters of grossness than I needed to know I didn’t want any part of it.

Website
http://drinkarteasia.com/
Country
United States
Sweetener
High Fructose Corn Syrup
Categories
Iced Tea
Rating
2/5
Reviewed By
Jason Draper on April 10th, 2012
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Sex Drive Energy Drink

Sex Drive Energy Drink

On the ship, there is a nightclub called "Rex." Since there is only one club, everyone who doesn't want to sleep is there and the joint is jumpin'. It's like a club for everyone because all sorts of people go; fat, white, black, latin, skinny, and everything in between. A few people who go are there to dance and have fun but some people are there to hunt. It's that animal instinct that brings me to this drink.

Only one of the guys we're with out of the eight of us is single and he is the epitome of single. Now I'm no stupid idiot. I know that drinks like this don't "work" like an ignoramus would think. No one that has their head on correctly would actually think that drinking one can of this stuff will make you a dynamo in the sack. Yeah, sure if you feel you need help in that department it might not sound like it could hurt and you'll try anything.

Regardless of your sexual prowess, you will be disappointed because this just tastes like Red Bull. Horny goat weed is something you buy at truck stops to stay awake while laying down night miles in your truck, not something you use for stimulation.

At the end of the night, our single friend and I split a can of this and didn't talk about it because there was nothing to talk about. We had something to look forward to because it's a drink called "Sex Drive," but not good enough to talk about. After that drink, singing karaoke, and watching a good comedian, we called it a night without even going to Rex. Maybe tomorrow. Hopefully tomorrow. It's fun in there.

Country
United States
Sweetener
High Fructose Corn Syrup
Categories
Energy Drink, Other/Weird
Rating
2/5
Reviewed By
Mike Literman on May 5th, 2012
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Big Shot Cola

Big Shot Cola

Mark was a magician. He loved what he did. He went to kid's parties and made kids float, did card tricks, and made birds and bunnies come out of everything. He was pretty good and was always interested in something bigger and better. Sure, he idolized David Copperfield, who didn't in the industry, but he was realistic. David Copperfield is the Michael Jordan of magic. At the end of every kid’s party, he always plays 52 Pickup. The kids love it because all the cards are in the air and they yell and they scream. Magic takes a lot out of a man. He's got to clean up all that bird poop, rabbit poop, cards, and smoke powder. After a show, he likes to go to the store and get something to drink. He went to a corner store and grabbed some random cola. He looked at the bottle and smiled because the "Big Shot" guy was chewing on a cigar and he could just hear his voice. He laughed and opened the door and bumped into someone. He looked up to apologize and it was David Blaine. He was speechless. He didn't know what to say. He put his hand out to shake his hand while muttering, "My name is Mark. I'm a magician and a huge fan." David thanked him and asked him for some of his pop because he left his wallet in the RV. Mark gave him the whole, unopened bottle and told him to keep it. David opened it and took a big chug. Then he made a face. He told Mark that it was some of the worst cola he had ever had. It just tasted bland and generic. No body and nothing special. He said he could have bought a Pepsi and been more satisfied. Then he made the bottle disappear with a poof of smoke and went back to the RV.

Mark sat in the car for at least ten minutes just pondering what had just happened. He met David Blaine, but gave him the worst cola he had ever had. He didn't know whether to mark that as an accomplishment or not. Either way, he continued to do magic at kids parties and had one spectacular story to tell people in the Magician's Guild gatherings at Denny's.

Website
http://www.nolacajun.com/Big-Shot-Soda_p_13.html
Country
United States
Sweetener
High Fructose Corn Syrup
Categories
Soda Pop
Rating
2/5
Reviewed By
Mike Literman on May 11th, 2012
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Cactus Cooler Orange Pineapple Blast

Cactus Cooler Orange Pineapple Blast

At that point in your life when you inevitably find yourself lost in the desert, don’t fret. You may not know it but refreshment is but a plant away. If you crack an “arm off of a cactus soda will pour out. I don’t know why no one who has been lost has ever realized it before. They must all be a bunch of dummies.

In all seriousness when I first saw this soda I was praying that it was sweetened with agave, which is a desert plant that I thought was a cactus, but apparently it’s not. Once I learned that it was no shock that it wasn’t made with agave. It was made with HFCS. No biggie. It is still orange pineapple flavored, and that has to be good right? Wrong! This is a fairly gross soda that tastes nothing like actual oranges or pineapple. I actually am having a hard time saying that it tastes like the fake candy version of either of those fruits. It tastes like generic sugar water with some vague citrus element to it. I honestly think I might rather suck on a cactus than drink this.

Country
United States
Sweetener
High Fructose Corn Syrup
Categories
Soda Pop
Rating
2/5
Reviewed By
Jason Draper on May 22nd, 2012
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Cactus Cooler Orange Pineapple Soda Pop

JB's Tea Lemonade

JB's Tea Lemonade

Memorial Day weekend just wrapped up. It was three days filled with hangouts and barbeques, as those are the perfect ways to remember things. The last party of the weekend was a pool party at some friends’ house. I think only one person actually ended going into the pool but the rest of us ate more than our fair share of food, including my new favorite thing “Cowboy Caviar.” Just look it up, it’s delicious.

I brought this bottle of tea to share at the party, because I didn’t want to end up drinking it all myself. As it turns out I think I am the only one who drank any of it, and it was only one glass. It doesn’t really taste like a half and half. It’s more of a lemon tea, and cheap tea at that. It actually has lemon juice concentrate in it, but the lemon flavoring doesn’t taste real at all. The lemon taste is also far too overpowering. Had it actually tasted like lemonade I would have been okay with that, but the way things are it was too much. I drank my one glass, and when I went up for a refill I noticed that someone else had brought Arizona’s Arnold Palmer and I ended up drinking that the rest of the night.

Website
http://www.facebook.com/jbstea
Country
United States
Sweetener
High Fructose Corn Syrup
Categories
Iced Tea, Lemonade
Rating
2/5
Reviewed By
Jason Draper on May 29th, 2012
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Big Shot Peach

Big Shot Peach

I used to eat a lot of candy when I was a kid but now I don't eat as much. I don't like candy flavored like fruits I don't like. Why would I? Why would I dislike a product made by a product that I like? That doesn't make sense. Sure, there are people who don't like pickles and love relish or people that don't like guacamole but love avocados. That's poppycock if you ask me. I can't think of anything like that for myself. Peaches are a fruit that I don't really care about in its entirety. Candy peaches, sliced peaches, whole peaches, peach juice are all in my "I'm fine with not eating that" category. I don't know why. The taste isn't too bad. It's not like I don't drink a bunch of peach stuff and rate it objectively, but I just don't really like them. Which brings me to this drink.

This drink was reviewed better by a co-worker than myself very simplistically, "It tastes like melted down peach Dum-Dums." I couldn't agree more. It tastes like candy peaches more than a real peach but even this drink is overly sugar'd. I don't hate peach tea too much because it's inherently light in flavor and sometimes just gives a nice flavor to a regular tea. This is unfinishable in my opinion. Likewise, if you can drink the whole thing, you've got to be kidding me because it's way too much. You drink it and instantly learn a lesson in sweeteners and tooth decay. I'd rather not learn a lesson through some kid pop so I will stop while I am ahead.

Website
http://www.nolacajun.com/Big-Shot-Soda_p_13.html
Country
United States
Sweetener
High Fructose Corn Syrup
Categories
Soda Pop
Rating
2/5
Reviewed By
Mike Literman on July 16th, 2012
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