Natural Evaporated Sugar Cane (2 reviews)

Malava Novocaine Tropical Berry

Malava Novocaine Tropical Berry

In my head this drink was formulated specifically to help people cope with the theoretical impending apocalypse. Even the companies name suggests it: MALAVA = MAYAN LAVA that will destroy the world. Yeah it’s a stretch, deal with it.

Unlike other relaxation drinks this is not full of melatonin and valerian root, which will just put you to sleep. The anti-stress medicine in this cane is just kava extract, which is used to relax without disrupting mental clarity. This way if you survive the initial impact of the unknown event that will end everything on Thursday, you will be calm and clear headed to figure out what you have to do to survive. Those fools who drink alcohol or something like a Marley Mellow Mood will be passed out somewhere for passing marauders to do with as they please. No one wants that to happen to them.

Since this is going to the taste to represent the end of the world we are lucky that it actually tastes decent. It’s not carbonated, as I expected it to be. It tastes like some unknown tropical fruit. It’s a little thick, somewhere between a juice and nectar. All of these are good things in my book. There is nothing chemical tasting in here. I could have been served this as a normal juice and not realized it had other effects until I drank it and they kicked in.

Stock up. Prepare yourselves. Make sure that you have the ability to numb yourself to the doom and destruction that is all around you so that you can forge on and rebuild the world.

Website
http://www.malavabeverages.com/
Country
United States
Sweetener
Natural Evaporated Sugar Cane
Categories
Relaxation
Rating
4/5
Reviewed By
Jason Draper on December 17th, 2012
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Malava Novocaine Anti-Stress Drink Tropical Berry

Teany Green Tea Half and Half

Teany Green Tea Half and Half

Dude, are you going to the EDM festival at the abandoned amusement park across the country? You're not? That's dumb. It's only $350 plus airfare plus you get to sleep in a cold field with like thirty thousand other people who won't shower for four days. You get to eat carnival food, pay eleven dollars for a small bottled water, and see four really good acts, ten good acts, sixteen acceptable acts and fourty-eight terrible acts. You know who's going to be there? Moby. He's coming out of hibernation.

I can't believe it. After that fantastic sales approach I just gave you, you are going to stay where you are? Moby is in your house? After all these years you didn't tell me that he's coming over? I've got a fresh copy of "Play" on vinyl I'd love to have him sign. He's in your fridge? Dude you are getting weird. Oh, it's his tea. Now we're back to a regular comfort level. How is it? Good? It's a half and half? It's a half and half green tea? Oh, that's cool. And it's sweet? How sweet? Not that sweet? Moby: good at music and good at tea. He's the modern day Renaissance Man. I bet he can fix a car. He seems like the kind of dude that could secretly fix a car. So it's a half and half; go on. It has a slight lemonade taste with no pulp but a good bite. That sounds awesome.

You know what, man. I don't have a lot of money saved up. Maybe we can just get a case of this stuff, put on some Music for the Jiltered Generation, and just play video games rather than me go to that festival. Sure, it would be fun but I don't have the time or the money for that thing.

Website
http://www.teany.com/
Country
United States
Sweetener
Natural Evaporated Sugar Cane
Categories
Iced Tea, Lemonade
Rating
4/5
Reviewed By
Mike Literman on July 31st, 2014
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