No Sugar Added (720 reviews)

Pure Cool Triple Chill

Pure Cool Triple Chill

Alright men, this is it. This is the one that we have to win with. Thirsty Dudes have not given us a good review of any of the drinks we've made so this one has to count. Let's give it everything we've got. No fruit flavor since they consistently do not like it. I don't know why. I mean, it's not the best but it's not the worst. So let's do what we do best.

Gentlemen, I see that you've all worn your sneakers, white T's, blue jeans, and leather jackets. Max, I see that you've worn a jean jacket, that's cool, too. What I've gathered you all here to do is make the ultimate cool drink. I'm dubbing it "Triple Chill" and we're giving it all we've got. All chill, no funny business. Let's get to work. We're doing a 24 hour work shift. I'm going to get pizza and pop for everyone for lunch and dinner. A cool set of meals for a cool set of dudes.

Alright. Guys, I would like to thank you for a job well done. You have worked very hard and have made a lot of drinks and I am sending a couple bottles to the Thirsty Dudes. We made this for the masses but we had Thirsty Dudes in mind. Let's see what they have to say.

One week later
Guys! They reviewed it. I didn't even read it. I just printed it out so that I could read it. Everyone into the conference room in five minutes. I'll read it. Here's what it says:

Pure Cool has done it again. A strange tasting minty drink that misses the mark just about everywhere. I don't know what they use for mint but every sip tasted like I was drinking the water out of a urinal. You know when you pee on those urinal cakes and it is that strange minty-ness? That's what this tastes like. I did appreciate no fruit as that would have made this drink a complete abomination. I think that if humans ate plastic, and that plastic was mint flavored, that is what this drink is. Start a fire. Sit back in your nice leather chair and put your feet up. Pop a couple of minty plastic chips in your mouth and enjoy the night. That's what this drink makes me want to do. Ahh, to be a plastic ingesting human is to enjoy a bottle of Pure Cool Triple Chill.

I...I don't know what to say...We all worked so hard. Jim...you tested it, right? It was good wasn't it? Maybe there's just something wrong with the Thirsty Dudes. Yeah, that has to be it. Those guys have a messed up palate. These drinks are great and we are not in denial. They don't like them. So what. We're still in business, aren't we? Then let's keep doing what we do best! Back to work! Pizza for everyone!

Website
http://www.drinkpurecool.com/
Country
United States
Sweetener
No Sugar Added
Categories
Water
Rating
2/5
Reviewed By
Mike Literman on March 10th, 2012
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Pure Cool, Water Triple Chill Cool, 16-Fluid Ounce (12 Pack)

Clover Valley Peach Mango

Clover Valley Peach Mango

Surplus! Surplus! Surplus! What on Earth are we going to do with this surplus of vegetables?!? Marky “accidentally” put the decimal point in the wrong spot on his last order before he spit in old man Peterson’s face and quit. Now instead of 50lbs of vegetables we have an entire warehouse full of them, and they are going to go bad fast. I know what you’re thinking, and no we are not going to donate them. Sure it would be a tax write off, but I’m not going in the business of throwing way money, especially in such high quantities. Don’t give me that look. I bet you have never done a day of charity in your life! Oh, you work in the soup kitchen and read to dying children in the hospital in your free time? Well aren’t you little mister perfect!

Wait a minute. What was that drink that you had last week? It was juice, but it also had vegetables in it. Ahh yes. V8 Fusion. You said that was delicious, so why don’t we do the same? We have a bunch of peaches and mangoes that we were going to make juice out of, why not stretch that a bit further and mix in a bunch of veggies. You could hardly taste them in that V8, or so you said last week. Plus the vitamin content will increase, which means so with the health benefits. People love healthy stuff these days.

Okay either you’re a liar, or V8 did something we didn’t because I can most certainly taste the vegetables in this juice. It tastes pretty much exactly like what it is; peach mango juice mixed with vegetable soup. Well if that vegetable soup was sweet, which is weird because we didn’t add any sugar. It starts off all right, but that aftertaste is like a bad gazpacho. We could cut down the number of veggies we use, but then we would still have an insane amount left after the fruit is gone. I think we should stick with this recipe. Even if it’s gross, people may still buy it because it’s a new product, and we have no intention of ever making more after all this produce is gone, so who cares if they will never buy it again. Now let’s make some juice.

Country
United States
Sweetener
No Sugar Added
Categories
Juice
Rating
2/5
Reviewed By
Jason Draper on March 25th, 2012
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Chia\Vie Smoothie Mango-J

Chia\Vie Smoothie Mango-J

Did you know that chia seeds are what demigods grow from? True story. We’ve all heard the storied about how “primitive” people used to sacrifice virgins to their gods in order to appease them and ask for any number of gifts in return. Well that is just plain silly and barbaric. Somewhere along the line someone messed up a translation. You see in ancient times sacrifices were all the rage, but they had absolutely nothing to do with virgins. What does a god want with a virgin anyways? Nothing, that’s what. They are gods they can jut conjure up anything they like. Anything except one thing that is, and that thing is chia seeds. They are a sacred, sought after item for gods. You see much like Link needs to collect rubies in The Legend of Zelda in order to trade them for various weapons and dry goods, the gods much also collect chia seeds in order to trade them in for demigods. You see our life is meaningless to the ancient gods, except for the fact that they can use us to help gather chia seeds in order to win the game. Oh didn’t I mention that part? You see at the beginning of time, there were a bunch of bored gods. They sat around each other’s houses all the time bored, complaining that there was nothing to do and that being omnipotent was such a burden. One of them, maybe it was Odin (he always had the best ideas), came up with the idea for a game where all of the gods had to collect as much as something as possible, and then at a predetermined date they would count them all up and the one with the most one. It sounded boring at first, but then Odin, being the world’s first dungeon master, created an elaborate world in which the game would take place. In order to make the game harder, he created a new item called the chia seed. The gods could not just magically wish for them and they would appear. They had to have the inhabitants of the world gather the seeds for them. For every million seeds that were presented to them they could create an item that they were to be collecting. Everyone agreed that is was better than what they were doing so they began the game. After a while it seemed that it was taking all of the gods forever to collect the appropriate amount of chia seeds so Odin amended to rules so that the collected items would be demigods, and those demigods could also be used to raise more chia seeds. It was actually quite elaborate and Odin won a bunch of awards for it at the Omnipotent Awards that year.

So there you have it the true history of the gods and chia seeds. Now that the game is winding down the humans who once harvested the seeds for the gods have lost interest. To be honest they have pretty much lost all awareness of their task. Instead of gathering the seeds in order to present them to their specific gods they instead have started putting them in their beverages. You see not only are they good for creating demigods they are also chock full of fiber, omega-3 and antioxidants. Chia\Vie has made this drink with the seeds. They mixed some fruit juices and then ground down a bunch of chia seeds and added them to the drinks. It’s a little gritty, but not too bad. This specific flavor is supposed to be mango, but it ended up just tasting like cheap orange juice that had sat out for a long time and then rechilled. There’s a bit of mango in the mix, but old-orange is definitely the prevalent flavor.

Website
http://www.drinkchiavie.com
Country
United States
Sweetener
No Sugar Added
Categories
Smoothie
Rating
2/5
Reviewed By
Jason Draper on April 10th, 2012
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Alo Coco Exposed Passion Fruit + Pineapple

Alo Coco Exposed Passion Fruit + Pineapple

So far we have not had good luck with the Coco Exposed line. I have to blame the coconut for our disinterest. Alo makes incredible aloe drinks, and this line is basically those same drinks with coconut water added to them. The only difference I can see is that dumb coconut water. I’ve come around to coconut water for the most part. I don’t mind the chalkiness and it can be extremely refreshing. There is something different with the coconut water in here though. In another review Mike described it as tasting like the powder left over in the bottom of the box when you run out of Cheerios. I don’t think he’s wrong about that. It has that same wheaty/grainy aftertaste. It’s strange as the other coconut waters I’ve drunk did not have that flavor. In reality it could be because this drink has no sugar added to it.

I was hoping this flavor would be better than the others because it’s passion fruit and pineapple flavored; two of my favorites. Unfortunately the non-coconut flavor in here just tastes like a vaguely fruity aloe drink. Neither the passion fruit nor the pineapple stands out in any way. It’s a shame, but at least I was able to get through this whole bottle without being completely disgusted. That’s further than we got with the other flavors.

Website
http://www.alodrink.com/
Country
United States
Sweetener
No Sugar Added
Categories
Aloe Vera, Chunky, Coconut
Rating
2/5
Reviewed By
Jason Draper on June 5th, 2012
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Alo Coco Exposed Passion Fruit + Pineapple Drink, 11.8-Ounce Bottles (Pack of 12)

Raaw Pineapple Cucumber

Raaw Pineapple Cucumber

Cucumber drinks are incredible. They are tasty and as I’ve said in the past, the most refreshing drinks I’ve ever had. The thing is that it’s the innards of the cucumber that is the tasty part. Sure, if you’re eating cucumber slices the skin isn’t bad, but there isn’t much of it to make an impact. I feel like this drink is more cucumber skin than meat. That’s right I referred to the insides of a cucumber as meat, what are you going to do about it? Anyways, it has a dirty skin taste that I’m really not into very much. I tried to tell myself I was alright with it, but after about half the bottle I had to throw in the towel. The flavor of the cucumber skin was just so strong. I couldn’t handle it. You would think that a flavor as strong as pineapple would overpower the cucumber skin, but it took the back seat on this drink. If you can see through the skin you can make out the pineapple.

This is definitely a strange drink. It tastes like every health food is described in early 90’s television. I wanted to like this. Nah, I wanted to love this, but I just couldn’t do it. Had they skinned the cucumbers I think this would have been one of my favorite drinks ever, but as it stands this is for the diehard healthy eaters out there.

Do I win an award for saying “skin” so many times?

Website
http://www.raawfoods.com/
Country
United States
Sweetener
No Sugar Added
Categories
Juice
Rating
2/5
Reviewed By
Jason Draper on August 12th, 2012
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Welch's 100% Orange Juice

Welch's 100% Orange Juice

A few years ago I stayed with a friend in Florida. Early in the morning he woke up, walked into the back yard and plucked some oranges from a tree. HE then juiced them so that my traveling companions and myself would have some fresh squeezed orange juice when we woke up. It was the freshest juice one could drink, and it was more than likely the best orange juice I have ever tasted.

Unfortunately this is as far as you can get from that juice and still legally call it orange juice. The label claims it’s 100% orange juice (from concentrate), but it tastes like the wrong part of the orange. It’s watered down and it tastes like the oranges weren’t ripe yet when they were juiced.

Stick to what you know Welch’s: all things grape.

Website
http://www.welchs.com
Country
United States
Sweetener
No Sugar Added
Categories
Juice
Rating
2/5
Reviewed By
Jason Draper on October 6th, 2012
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Welch's 100% Orange Juice, 10-Ounce Bottles (Pack of 24)

Tumeric The Elixer of Life Coconut Nectar Elixer

Tumeric The Elixer of Life Coconut Nectar Elixer

I was just saying the other day that I was wondering what the elixir of life was. Finally, an answer to this age old question. Sure, some might think that it's water, or water infused with gold and diamonds, but they would be wrong. The true elixir of life is, apparently, a spicy, Indian inspired, coconut drink. I know; we were way off until this point.

What do I think of the elixir of life? Well, I don't think that I'm going to live that long if this is what we've got. Yes, as expected, this is a little spicy, pretty tangy, and doesn't taste that much like coconut water. All good, right? Sure if you hate the actual taste of the drink and love the delectable, rare exotic spice called salt. I'll say it, and parents cover your kids' ears; this is a salty bitch of a drink. I wanted this to taste more like Indian food and peppers and all of the ingredients on the side but instead I got something that felt like whatever reverse blood pressure medicine would taste like if you poured all your spices from your spice cabinet into a bottle of cold water.

Even with doing that, which this company did not do, you do get a little bit of goodness in every sip but I could take about half a dozen sips of this before I, aloud, questioned what I was doing drinking this. It's quasi-drinkable but you've really got to have a dead palate to get past its downfall. And let's be honest, if you can't taste anything, you should not be wasting your money on drinks like this.

Website
http://tumericalive.com/
Country
United States
Sweetener
No Sugar Added
Categories
Coconut, Juice, Other/Weird, Sports/Dietary Supplement
Rating
2/5
Reviewed By
Mike Literman on July 22nd, 2013
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Coconut Nectar Elixir (32 Oz) Case of 6

Vita Coco Pure Coconut Water With Orange

Vita Coco Pure Coconut Water With Orange

When I was in grade school I would wake up in the morning, eat a bowl of cereal, get ready for school and then pack my lunch. It was generally a ham sandwich with mustard, a juice box and a pack fruit snacks. When that was done I would make myself a beverage while I waited for the bus, which picked me up in front of my house. I was convinced that the weirder the stuff I drank the better off I would be. I would mix every beverage in the fridge and just down it. This included adding milk to everything, which as every scientist knows leads to curdling. That is what this drink reminds me of; adding a little milk to orange juice. The flavors separate from each other and the orange juice ends up not tasting like itself anymore. This isn’t as gross as that, but since the ingredients are only coconut water and orange juice, I am left wondering what happened to the orange flavor. I’m guessing when they juiced it up the peel got into the mix. It tastes bitter, and neither coconut water, nor orange juice should taste that way. I think I fared better with my prepubescent cocktail mixtures.

Website
http://www.vitacoco.com/
Country
Brazil
Sweetener
No Sugar Added
Categories
Coconut
Rating
2/5
Reviewed By
Jason Draper on September 3rd, 2013
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Vita Coco Coconut Water with Orange, 16.9 Ounce (Pack of 12)

Hint Honeydew Hibiscus

Hint Honeydew Hibiscus

Jeff had a filthy mouth. He didn't swear but he also didn't brush his teeth regularly. His dentist asked him how he was going to meet new people with a mouth that looked like old cheese. He said that he just didn't have time for it and he didn't care. He said that when his teeth fell out, he was just going to get fake ones and not need to brush them. His dentist told him that is not how it worked and that he still had to brush fake teeth. He assured her that he read online that someone was trying to invent antibacterial fake teeth and the dentist was wrong.

His dentist thanked him for finally coming in and attempted to sway him out of his bad habits. Jeff had won a trip to the dentist in the world's worst bachelor party prize and decided he should not waste it. His dentist was sweating trying to clean the trash dump that his mouth had become. An hour and a half of cleaning, drilling, filling, patching, and bridging later, it was time for fluoride. The dentist asked if he wanted to drink some new Hint drink that the office was trying to push as an alternative to pop. Jeff thought he would try it. He liked it but it had a bit of a familiar taste that he couldn't place. It tasted a little like a floral honeydew. He thought that it was a good alternative to water, which he felt was disgusting. His dentist gave him a fluoride rinse and he spit it right out in the sink. He said, "That was it!" at the top of his lungs. The dentist didn't know what he was talking about. Jeff exclaimed that the hint tasted like fluoride and the dentist took a sip and sadly agreed. Jeff did a proper rinse and had had as clean a bill of health as you can for not being to a dentist in over a decade.

Website
http://www.drinkhint.com
Country
United States
Sweetener
No Sugar Added
Categories
Water
Rating
2/5
Reviewed By
Mike Literman on December 17th, 2013
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Hint Premium Honeydew-Hibiscus Essence Water, 16 Ounce Bottles (Pack of 12)

King Condrell's Le Marche Spice Black Tea

King Condrell's Le Marche Spice Black Tea

Alright, King. I mean no disrespect but you've gotten away with literal murder and I haven't said anything. This, though, this is the straw that broke the camel's back. You have been known to provide us, your faithful townspeople with some of the most unique teas at very reasonable prices. Some of them are good and for that, we thank you. This one, I have given it multiple attempts at approval though and it just doesn't deserve to be continually made. Now look, it's not just me that thinks this way but I'm not going to throw anyone under the bus over it. It's just not a good tea. It always tastes good in the beginning but then quickly and unfortunately tastes burnt or something. You can tell that there are some good flavors in there. Spicy? I think that might be pushing it. It is only labeled as "spice black tea" so that's alright. The cinnamon wins when it comes to the spice wars going on in this cup but as a whole the battle is lost because as a whole, it's not a good tea.

King, we are very faithful to you and if I didn't spend all day working in the tea fields, I would let this slide, but I don't want any more of my time wasted on such a non-fantastical tea. You deserve better if you're going to put your name on it. That's my honest opinion and I hope that you value it as such? You don't? Well I guess it's a classic beheading for me. Classic King Condrell. Always decapitating people that voice their opinions. Seems a bit antiquated since it's 1994 but whatever. We chose to live here and we chose to live this way. Sorry guys. I tried. Tell me wife I love her.

Website
http://www.condrells.com/
Country
United States
Sweetener
No Sugar Added
Categories
Hot Tea
Rating
2/5
Reviewed By
Mike Literman on February 19th, 2014
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