Elvira's - 6 Reviews

This should be addressed as it's staring me right in the face; Elvira looks fantastic on this bottle. She's her standard, sexy vampiress, but she's wearing this one-piece leotard slash bathing suit and looks like she should be in a White Snake video. Elvira, you look great, as always.

"Great" unfortunately does not describe this drink. Black cherry is unfortunately one of those drinks I have to just lump into the "forever mediocre" fruit pop category. Fruit pop is only as good as good and is never exceptional. This is no different. It's thick and kind of reminiscent of a cough syrup because of it. It doesn't taste medicinal but has the syrupiness of one.

Elvira, you keep up the good work. Whatever you're doing works. It works very well. This pop though, you can leave this in your dust.

Never in my life have I tasted a pop that tasted "watered down" until now. It's not that the flavor is bad it just tastes a little weak, like the mix is off. It tastes as if they only had 75% of the ingredients to make a full batch and they decided, "Hey, you know...we're not going to do three quarters of a batch. That will cut into our profits. Let's just make a full one and hope no one notices."

Stretched out flavors aside, it's good. It has a decent bite with some good, sweet licorice flavor. It's as good as it can be and I think one thing that makes it better is looking at the still ultra attractive Elvira. You've still got it, girl. Now if your sponsor could spend as much time on their mix as you do on that shape of yours we'd have a delicious treat here.

Yesterday was the 4th of July and to celebrate in style I grilled up far too many veggie dogs/sausage. I suppose that doesn't differ from about half of the days in any given week in the summer. Perhaps I'm just that American all summer long.

Everyone knows that the most proper way to celebrate your country is to stuff your face with a bunch of hot dogs and wash it all down with orange soda (okay I started doing that in Canada, but it was only because I was trying to show how American I was in that foreign land). My dogs were almost done, so I went into the fridge to get my orange soda, only to realize that there was none in there. I had let America down. The closest that I had was with bottle of Elvira's Orange Scream. It's a creamsicle in soda form. It may have not been totally appropriate, but Elvira told me to make do with the situation, and who am I to argue with a woman carrying a chainsaw? She actually looks like she's about to take that chainsaw to an orange the size of a recliner. I hope she puts on proper eyewear before cutting into that, because the citrus mist it would produce would be hell on anyone's retinas.

So there I was midday just pounding veggie dogs with all the fixings (minus sprinkles, as I unfortunately was out of Bacos) and sipping on this soda. While it is still a creamsicle soda, the orange is much heavier than the cream, so that worked out well for me. I'd say that the ratio was at 75% orange soda to 25% cream, if the normal percentages for such soda were 50-50.

The celebration of America came and it went and I didn't light off a single firework. These are sad times. I ended up at some parade before the fireworks display and as old men handed out tiny flags all I would think of was when our alien overlords would run for office and their platform would be, “Abortions for some, miniature American flags for others!”

Fourth grade. What a joke that was, right? Homework cuts into all your serious Mortal Kombat time and all you want to do is play with your friends. There are bikes that need to be ridden, tree forts that need to be built, and football that needs to be played. No, your English teacher thinks that Arthur Miller is more important than building friendships and burning wood with a magnifying glass. All you want to do is go outside in the late spring sun and eat Freez-e-pops with your friends and play basketball.

What's that? Your daddy brought you a new bottle of pop that you've never seen with quite a sexy lady on it and gave it to you with a wink. What was he thinking with such an erotic bottle? Lemon Slime? Gross, and awesome. You can't wait to sink your teeth into this. You open up the bottle being careful not to spill any on your homework. You take a sip and love it. It's so sweet and tastes like a green popsicle. You drink half the bottle and continue reading. Your mom comes in to see how you're doing and sees the rather erotic pop that your daddy brought and instantly disapproves, taking the bottle from you. On the way down the stairs, your mom takes a sip and is disgusted. It's so sweet and tastes like a green popsicle. She couldn't possibly drink a whole bottle of this herself, as it is just too much to handle. She dumps it down the drain only to be seen by your daddy who gave that to you as a little "man to man" drink. Alas, it will be a few years before your mom lets you watch anything with Elvira in it.

To be a kid again, right? You can endure all the sugar thrown at you but as you get older, you just can't do it. Don't grow up, theoretical kid. Stay young forever.

Some nights you just sit to kick back and relax with a bottle of soda and a good movie. What good movie should you watch? Well obviously the answer to that is Elvira's Haunted Hills. Wait, you mean you've never heard of the sequel (prequel?) to Mistress of the Dark that came out 13 years later? You my friend are in for a treat. Imagine if you will if you took a common household blender and threw in Elvira and the Mel Brook's classic Young Frankenstein. Puree that up a bit and the result is Haunted Hills. It's fun and hysterical in the dumbest way possible; exactly the way I like it.

What else could accompany this movie than a drink endorsed by the Mistress herself? The picture on the label even looks like one of the half dozen times she screams as some one (namely Lady Hellsubus) opens a door at the same time as her. This is a (s)cream soda of the red variety, much like the infamous Crush “soda mousse.” The vanilla isn't incredibly strong, but it does have a faint sweet kind of berry taste to it. It's not a standout cream soda, but it's slightly better than most other cane sugar sodas of the flavor. Now if you are a fan of fun like I know you are go out and get some soda and get your hands on Haunted Hills and enjoy your night. You've earned it.

Or you could just take a day trip to the beach, but don't forget your SPF 1000 sunblock.

We are gathered here to celebrate the unholy alliance between Elvira Mistress of the Dark and the Crypt Keeper (you know the bony guy from Tales From the Crypt). I for one would like to say it's about time these two teamed up and I am glad that they found love together. Wait, what is that? The Crypt Keeper is just a puppet and not a real thing? Well that just makes this awkward. Elvira can't marry a puppet. That won't fly in this state. That wouldn't even fly in Vermont! So we're all agreed that the wedding is off? Good. I'm sorry to waste everyone's time. Feel free to eat all the food, no reason it should all go to waste just because someone didn't do any research on whether or not her future husband is real or not. That's right Elvira, I'm looking in your direction. For shame!
Okay everyone; don't forget your wedding favors. Since this wasn't a traditional wedding, we decided to do things a bit different and had some soda made up. We came up with it fairly last minute and the brewery needed a label quick, so we just called it "Elvira-Crypt Keeper Cola." The printer messed up, as they always seem to do and it ended up saying "Elvira's Crypt Keeper Cola." I guess that makes more sense now anyways. So yeah, grab your bottle and enjoy. It's a smooth cola. We expected it to be fairly dark with some bite, but nope. As I said it's fairly smooth and simple. It actually reminds me of the cane sugar version of RC Cola. Now there's a great cola and anything that reminds me of it is something I can get behind.
Don't worry Elvira. I forgive you. This ended up being a pretty fun party. You sure know how to liven up the room. Next time just do a bit of research before you pick a potential husband.