Smoothie (8 reviews)

Jubali Smoothie Carrot Cake

Jubali Smoothie Carrot Cake

Happy birthday to me. Well, actually since I’m over 21 and this is not a decade birthday for me it really is meaningless, but let’s pretend it does for the sake of this review. You see this beverage is my birthday cake. I didn’t have a real one, because you’re 36th birthday doesn’t mean a goddamn thing, so I’ll substitute a carrot cake smoothie in for a physical solid cake.

This is more intense than any real cake that would be served to me anyway. This beverage is basically what would happen if you made a vegan carrot cake, and took out all of the gluten elements of it. What you have left is a very thick concoction of carrots, banana (luckily it was invisible in the flavor), cinnamon, ginger and almond milk. It tastes exactly like carrot cake with double the amount of normal spices. The ginger and cinnamon in here are really intense. I’m not kidding it’s to an extent that it’s a challenge to drink the whole bottle, but it’s the kind of challenge that I like…okay I’m about 2/3 through the bottle and it’s getting hard to keep going with drinking this. It tastes exactly like it should, but man those spices are intense. This smoothie certainly isn’t for everyone, but if you love this specific type of spice and carrot cake is a passion of yours, by all means dive right in. I’m sitting here powering on, just regretting that I didn’t put a candle on this thing and blow it out like a dumb idiot.

Website
http://www.jubali.org/
Country
United States
Sweetener
No Sugar Added
Categories
Ginger, Juice, Smoothie
Rating
4/5
Reviewed By
Jason Draper on July 19th, 2015
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Tim Horton's Smoothie Orange Pineapple

Tim Horton's Smoothie Orange Pineapple

Pineapple and orange together is like a personal trip to the tropics. The Greek yogurt was a good, but different pick. Sure, we now eat it for breakfast but mixed in with a smoothie, it's a little gritty. I can't really pinpoint it. It's not smooth like a regional yogurt. A Mediterranean yogurt makes it a little less smooth. I'm not complaining. I'm reviewing. It was also thinner than a traditional smoothie. It was closer to a Slurpee than a smoothie.

That might be one of the most general, reviews Thirsty Dudes have ever written.

Website
http://www.timhortons.com
Country
United States
Sweetener
Not Listed
Categories
Smoothie
Rating
3/5
Reviewed By
Mike Literman on April 2nd, 2015
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Chia\Vie Smoothie Acerola Pina

Chia\Vie Smoothie Acerola Pina

I liked this drink a lot but man was it punishing. "Mike. Why would you drink something that punishes you, you dumb idiot?" I will tell you, friend. This tastes pretty good. I don't know what an Acerola is. I sure as sugar know what a pineapple is so one cancels out the other. I can tell you that this tastes like cherry pineapple smoothie with sand in it. Yes, I said sand. Jay and I love the Mamma Chia line of drinks and you would think that this is the same thing. Well, if you thought that, you would be wrong. Chia\Vie thought that it would be a good idea to grind up their Chia seeds. Why? I don't know. Is it to increase their effectiveness in your system? The eliminated the step of your body having to open up the seeds so now all it needs to do is absorb the goodness that is Chia seeds. That's my guess at least.

Back to the punishing part, though; It's good but sometimes the chia granules get stuck in my throat and I feel like I'm in the wild west, a place and time I have never actually been, and I got caught up in an ol' fashioned dust storm and didn't close my mouth soon enough and that pesky dirt got caught in my windpipe. It goes down and the flavor more than makes up for the humorous laughter that precedes almost every sip.

Mamma Chia is much smoother and calmer but I think that the flavor is stronger and this is more of a "juice with stuff in it" than a smoothie. Since I didn't write the book on what's what, I can't argue. This is good and I like it.

Website
http://www.drinkchiavie.com
Country
United States
Sweetener
No Sugar Added
Categories
Smoothie
Rating
4/5
Reviewed By
Mike Literman on June 7th, 2012
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Chia\Vie Smoothie Mango-J

Chia\Vie Smoothie Mango-J

Did you know that chia seeds are what demigods grow from? True story. We’ve all heard the storied about how “primitive” people used to sacrifice virgins to their gods in order to appease them and ask for any number of gifts in return. Well that is just plain silly and barbaric. Somewhere along the line someone messed up a translation. You see in ancient times sacrifices were all the rage, but they had absolutely nothing to do with virgins. What does a god want with a virgin anyways? Nothing, that’s what. They are gods they can jut conjure up anything they like. Anything except one thing that is, and that thing is chia seeds. They are a sacred, sought after item for gods. You see much like Link needs to collect rubies in The Legend of Zelda in order to trade them for various weapons and dry goods, the gods much also collect chia seeds in order to trade them in for demigods. You see our life is meaningless to the ancient gods, except for the fact that they can use us to help gather chia seeds in order to win the game. Oh didn’t I mention that part? You see at the beginning of time, there were a bunch of bored gods. They sat around each other’s houses all the time bored, complaining that there was nothing to do and that being omnipotent was such a burden. One of them, maybe it was Odin (he always had the best ideas), came up with the idea for a game where all of the gods had to collect as much as something as possible, and then at a predetermined date they would count them all up and the one with the most one. It sounded boring at first, but then Odin, being the world’s first dungeon master, created an elaborate world in which the game would take place. In order to make the game harder, he created a new item called the chia seed. The gods could not just magically wish for them and they would appear. They had to have the inhabitants of the world gather the seeds for them. For every million seeds that were presented to them they could create an item that they were to be collecting. Everyone agreed that is was better than what they were doing so they began the game. After a while it seemed that it was taking all of the gods forever to collect the appropriate amount of chia seeds so Odin amended to rules so that the collected items would be demigods, and those demigods could also be used to raise more chia seeds. It was actually quite elaborate and Odin won a bunch of awards for it at the Omnipotent Awards that year.

So there you have it the true history of the gods and chia seeds. Now that the game is winding down the humans who once harvested the seeds for the gods have lost interest. To be honest they have pretty much lost all awareness of their task. Instead of gathering the seeds in order to present them to their specific gods they instead have started putting them in their beverages. You see not only are they good for creating demigods they are also chock full of fiber, omega-3 and antioxidants. Chia\Vie has made this drink with the seeds. They mixed some fruit juices and then ground down a bunch of chia seeds and added them to the drinks. It’s a little gritty, but not too bad. This specific flavor is supposed to be mango, but it ended up just tasting like cheap orange juice that had sat out for a long time and then rechilled. There’s a bit of mango in the mix, but old-orange is definitely the prevalent flavor.

Website
http://www.drinkchiavie.com
Country
United States
Sweetener
No Sugar Added
Categories
Smoothie
Rating
2/5
Reviewed By
Jason Draper on April 10th, 2012
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Chia\Vie Smoothie Banapple Berry

Chia\Vie Smoothie Banapple Berry

I never took any still life drawing classes in high school or college. I nude modeled for a life drawing class and bought a pizza with the proceeds but that's a different story all together. Even though my life lacks the ability to mix paint, I don't need to look at a bowl of fruit for hours on end to know that a "banapple" is not a real fruit. I enjoy fruit, too. I had cantaloupe today, yesterday, and the day before. If that isn't dedication to fruit, I don't know what is. I enjoy looking at the exotic fruits with my lil' buddy Max when we go to the store. He holds on to dragonfruit, apricots, kumquats, and more. A banapple has never been on the shelves.

If this company invented a fruit just for this drink, that is incredible but I feel like that is science that should be better put to use making tacos out of thin air or something. Food science is food science, right? Don't waste your time bastardizing apples by adding a banana to them. If you made a pearana (the concatenation of a pear and a banana) that would be great because I hate those dudes.

Luckily for me, there isn't a strong presence of banana in this drink but there is a strong presence of a pretty great, smooth, berry drink. You don't even know the chia seeds are there, those of you who are concerned about a Mama Chia like drink. These chia seeds have been finely ground that they blend in with everything else and provides you with a nice, thick berry smoothie. I like it. Banapple, you know that apple is doing all the work, right? You are the kid in high school that relies on everyone else in the group to do the project while you sit back and play Ninja Gaiden.

Website
http://www.drinkchiavie.com
Country
United States
Sweetener
No Sugar Added
Categories
Smoothie
Rating
4/5
Reviewed By
Mike Literman on March 28th, 2012
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Genesis Organic Smoothie Superfood

Genesis Organic Smoothie Superfood

When I first took a sip of this, I thought it was juice. Only after tasting the chunks of fruit in it did I realize that it said smoothie on the label. I'm not a big fan of drinks with pulp and chunks, and this was REALLY chunky. That aside, I was hoping this would taste a lot more like other green juices I've had. Once again, I should have looked at the label instead of the color of the drink. As you can see, there is a giant banana on the label and this drink has a very strong banana flavor. The only ingredients in this are apples, bananas, and spirulina. I wasn't crazy about it, but that's because I generally don't like banana flavored drinks. Other than that, it was good and probably super good for you.

Website
http://www.genesisorganicjuice.com
Country
United States
Sweetener
Naturally Sweetened
Categories
Smoothie
Rating
2/5
Reviewed By
Derek Neuland on October 4th, 2010
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Hansen's Smoothie Pineapple Coconut

Hansen's Smoothie Pineapple Coconut

Hey. You know when you throw up and then try to cover up the taste with old popcorn? You do? Then number 1; I'm sorry. Number 2; you don't need to drink this.

For a company that has the best pop I've ever drunk, this stuff belongs in the filth can.

Here's how it went down...
I drank it and liked it while it was in my mouth. As soon as I swallowed it, I got a strange barf taste and I thought it might be the metal from the can so I poured it into a glass. I took another drink and it was worse. Afterwards I felt sick because you always are reminded of throwing up when your mouth tastes like, or recently tasted like, up-chuck.

I made this site with my bare hands and I wish I had created a 0 rating because this would get it.

Hansen's, I am happy that I reviewed this drink before your Cherry Vanilla Creme pop because you can only go up from here.

Website
http://www.hansens.com/
Country
United States
Sweetener
High Fructose Corn Syrup
Categories
Coconut, Smoothie
Rating
1/5
Reviewed By
Mike Literman on September 17th, 2010
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Hansen's Smoothie Mango Pineapple

Hansen's Smoothie Mango Pineapple

Mike and I were first introduced to Hansen's sodas when we found ourselves backstage at Warped Tour visiting friends a few years ago. We thought it was incredible, and since we couldn't find it around Buffalo, Mike ordered a case. It's been over a year, and this is my first run in with it since then. This is supposed to be a smoothie, but it doesn't have the proper consistency so I will claim it as a juice. It tastes like mango, with a slight pineapple aftertaste. It's pretty good. I didn't even realize until I was done that it has high fructose corn syrup in it. I would never have expected that from drinking it.

Website
http://www.hansens.com/
Country
United States
Sweetener
High Fructose Corn Syrup
Categories
Smoothie
Rating
3/5
Reviewed By
Jason Draper on September 17th, 2010
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Buy Now
Hansen's Mango Pineapple Smoothie, 11.5000-ounces (Pack of24)
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