Derek Neuland (496 reviews)

After 4 years, 6 cavities, and 2 pulled teeth, Derek has decided to hang up the bottle opener. You can keep up with his (mostly) sugar-free writing and photography at derekneuland.com.

Sangria Senorial Sangria

Sangria Senorial Sangria

I have never tasted a drop of alcohol in my life, so I'm not sure if this actually tastes like sangria. I must say, Sangria Senorial smells just like alcoholic sangria. Since it smells so familiar and I have a negative outlook on alcoholic drinks, I think that might be part of the reason why I don't like the taste of this. It has a bitter grape taste with light carbonation. The only positive thing I can say is that it has real sugar in it.

Website
http://www.novamex.com/sangria_senorial.sstg
Country
Mexico
Sweetener
Sugar
Categories
Soda Pop
Rating
1/5
Reviewed By
Derek Neuland on September 6th, 2010
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Señorial Sangria Soft Drink, 1.5 liter

Sarsi Sarsaparilla

Sarsi Sarsaparilla

I found this bottle of Sarsi at a large international supermarket near my house. Judging by the color, ingredients, and uncanny similarity to the Pepsi logo, I thought this was going to be a cola. I also didn't see the "I" at first and was really excited that there was a drink called Sars. After i pried off the non-twist bottle cap (all I had was a staple remover to help with this), it didn't smell nor taste like cola. It's more of a light sarsaparilla, but with a bitter aftertaste due to the use of aspartame instead of sugar or high fructose corn syrup. It's not bad, but it's not amazing. If you're a fan of sarsaparilla and don't mind artificial sweeteners, it's worth a try.

Website
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sarsi_%28drink%29
Country
Philippines
Sweetener
High Fructose Corn Syrup
Categories
Root Beer, Soda Pop
Rating
1/5
Reviewed By
Derek Neuland on September 6th, 2010
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Korean Ginseng Drink With Root

Korean Ginseng Drink With Root

Jason had previously reviewed a similar drink to this one, so I had some idea what I was getting myself into. I found this at a local Asian supermarket and was simultaneously intrigued and terrified by it. So naturally, I had to try it.

I made sure to drink this over the sink in case it was so bad that it made me puke. Luckily, it wasn't as bad I expected it to be. It wasn't the worst taste in the world, but definitely something I never want to drink again. Jason said it best; it tastes like what I imagine the water run off from a potted plant to taste like.

Country
Korea
Sweetener
Sugar
Categories
Energy Drink
Rating
1/5
Reviewed By
Derek Neuland on January 23rd, 2011
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Fentimans Shandy

Fentimans Shandy

I almost didn't buy this drink because the first ingredient is "beer 70%". I have never drunk a drop of beer in my life. The smell of it disgusts me, plus I don't drink alcoholic beverages. But after consulting with my fellow Thirsty Dudes, I was reassured that this is completely safe to drink since like other Fentiman's drinks it had less than .05% alcohol.

After doing some research, I found out that shandy is traditionally a beer mixed with citrus-flavored soda, carbonated lemonade, ginger beer, ginger ale, or cider. This has lemon juice in it so I'm assuming it's the carbonated lemonade variety, minus the alcohol of course. Upon opening it, it definitely had a beer like smell to it. Not as strong as normal beer though.

The taste? Gross, plain and simple. It's like malted lemonade. I don't understand why anyone would drink this. Hopefully one of my housemates wants the rest of this bottle because I won't be drinking any more of it.

Website
http://www.drinkfentimans.com
Country
England
Sweetener
Granulated Sugar
Categories
Other/Weird
Rating
1/5
Reviewed By
Derek Neuland on February 5th, 2011
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Fentimans Shandy Soda - 9.3 oz Bottle
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Buy at SpecialtySodas.com

DeDe Longan Drink

DeDe Longan Drink

It takes a lot for a drink to gross me out. I didn't know what longan was before I bought this, but I assumed it was a fruit. When I picked up the bottle, I noticed that there were big chunks of something floating inside. Then, I noticed on the ingredients list the following: Longan Meat (2.0%). My vegan instinct kicked in at the sight of meat on the label and freaked me out a little. The floating stuff did have a meat look to it as well. Luckily I was right, and longan is a fruit grown on a tree of the same name in South and Southeast Asia.

Upon opening it, I couldn't help but to smell it first. After drinking some nasty stuff over the years, it's instinct. The smell was something I have encountered many times, but never in a drink. If you guessed really dirty socks, then you are correct. How they managed to bottle the smell of dirty socks I will never know. A couple of my housemates said it smelled like dates or prunes to them, but I didn't get that at all.

To prepare for potentially getting a mouthful of dirty socks, I took the first sip over a sink. Luckily (or unfortunately depending on how you feel about drinks making you puke) it tasted better than it smelled to me. The taste can be summed up in two words: liquid raisins. I don't hate raisins, but I don't particularly love them either. The idea of a raisin flavored drink is pretty disgusting to me. After this revelation, I tried taking another sip and it was too gross. I don't want liquid raisins.

Country
Thailand
Sweetener
Sugar
Categories
Chunky, Juice
Rating
1/5
Reviewed By
Derek Neuland on February 23rd, 2011
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Rhino's Sugar Free Energy Drink

Rhino's Sugar Free Energy Drink

I already have a hard time drinking most energy drinks. When you give me a diet/sugar free energy drink, there's no way this is going to be good. The first sip of this was pretty horrible, like swallowing battery acid. The next couple wasn’t too bad. Perhaps I've already acquired the taste for this drink? Nope, around the fourth sip the first couple sips finally hit my stomach and it feels very similar to the time I had food poisoning. For three days straight, I lied on the couch while my stomach felt like it was eating itself. It was easily in my top five worst feelings I have ever felt. Any drink that can give me that same feeling is not one I want to consume.

Website
http://www.rhinos-energy.com/en
Country
Austria
Sweetener
Aspartame
Categories
Diet, Energy Drink
Rating
1/5
Reviewed By
Derek Neuland on February 23rd, 2011
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Malta Hatuey Non Alcoholic Cereal Beverage

Malta Hatuey Non Alcoholic Cereal Beverage

I enlisted my friend Mary Liz to help me review some drinks today. We didn't know what to expect with this one, but since it has barley malt and hops in it we had a feeling it would taste like beer.

The smell, in a word, gross. It's really strong and sort of has a molasses hint to it. The taste isn't any better. Mary Liz says it tastes like rotting fruit and vegetable juice. I honestly can't figure out what it reminds me of, but it's too gross to drink anymore. It almost tastes like molasses that has been sitting out for a year. Mary Liz asked if we could give this drink a zero, but unfortunately we can't.

Country
United States
Sweetener
Fructose
Categories
Other/Weird, Soda Pop
Rating
1/5
Reviewed By
Derek Neuland on April 27th, 2011
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Malta Hatuey Light 6PK 7 OZ

Cutting Edge Diamond Energy Drink

Cutting Edge Diamond Energy Drink

32 oz of the worst energy drink ever. Instead of being on the 'cutting edge' of huge cans, they should work on making one that a normal human can enjoy. I'm so disgusted at this drink that I’m not even going to give it the courtesy of an amusing story.

Country
United States
Sweetener
Sucrose
Categories
Energy Drink
Rating
1/5
Reviewed By
Derek Neuland on March 7th, 2012
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Max Velocity Sugar Free Uncaged Energy Drink

Max Velocity Sugar Free Uncaged Energy Drink

Going into this I knew this was going to be bad. Any energy drink found at Big Lots (where drinks go to die) named "Max Velocity" is not good. On top of it, there's no flavor on this. What flavor is "Uncaged"? At least there's a grainy photo of a cheetah on the can.

Yup I was right, it's like a Red Bull/ Mountain Dew mix. So gross. It burns the throat as it goes down.

Website
http://www.albertsons.com/
Country
United States
Sweetener
Sucralose
Categories
Diet, Energy Drink
Rating
1/5
Reviewed By
Derek Neuland on October 4th, 2012
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Monster Rehab Protean + Energy

Monster Rehab Protean + Energy

UGH! That is what I exclaimed when I first took a sip of this. I have enjoyed all the other Monster Rehab drinks, but this is borderline undrinkable. It tastes like someone was potting a plant next to it and accidentally got some of the soil inside. They tried to filter all the soil out, but the taste was still there and they just hoped no one would notice.

Well I noticed and it sucks. I hate wasting drinks but I can't even take a third sip.

Website
http://www.monsterenergy.com
Country
United States
Sweetener
Glucose
Categories
Energy Drink, Sports/Dietary Supplement
Rating
1/5
Reviewed By
Derek Neuland on January 23rd, 2013
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8 Pack - Monster Rehab - Protean + Energy - 15.5oz
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