Jason Draper (2751 reviews)

Jason plays bass in Failures' Union and owns/operates a screen printing shoppe called Wooden T-Shirts. He also eats veggie dogs by the gallon.

Stamina Rx Sex On The Beach

Stamina Rx Sex On The Beach

While visiting Richmond recently I wandered into a bodega across the street from a friends house. Their beverage selection was poor at best. Oh but what's this. You've got to be kidding me. Stamina Rx? I laughed for quite awhile. I was about to leave the store when my band mate expressed his disbelief that I wasn't going to pick it up for Thirsty Dudes. I gave in, turned around and purchased this can of "Extreme Sexual Experience."
This has since been sitting in my fridge for weeks. Last night I decided it was time. Cracked this baby open and took a big swig. What hit my lips was the cheapest tasting strawberry/fruit punch flavored pop that has ever visited my taste buds. Even though it says it's sugar free and naturally sweet, it still tastes like aspartame or some other artificial sweetener. Not good at all.
Oh, and for the record (and all you perverts out there) the only physical reaction I got from this drink was a pretty terrible headache. Old men everywhere will be disappointed when they run out of little blue pills and they run to their local corner stores for a quick fix.

Website
http://www.staminarx.org
Country
United States
Sweetener
Naturally Sweetened
Categories
Other/Weird
Rating
1/5
Reviewed By
Jason Draper on November 23rd, 2010
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Stamina-Rx Sexual Enhancer, Sex on the Beach 6 bottles

Hajoori's Kashmira

Hajoori's Kashmira

Honey, thanks for going to the grocery store and picking up the stuff for taco night. Did you get the iced tea mix while you were there? You did? You're the best. Now I will continue talking to you while I reach into the bag without looking and grab the iced tea mix to make myself a glass. I am still paying no attention to what I am doing while I pour myself a glass of water open the package and mix it in. Say, this iced tea tastes weird. Oh well, bottoms up! *chug.spit.gag* How the hell did I not realize that I used taco seasoning instead of iced tea mix!
Mix a packet of taco seasoning into a glass of sparkling water and you have the worst drink ever. I think that's what they did here. I should have been tipped off that it has both salt and black salt in it. I couldn't even swallow my first sip.
My condolences to India, I just do not understand the allure of this beverage at all. Gaaaaaaarrrooooooooosssss!

Website
http://www.sosyo-thesoftdrink.com/sosyo/brief_profile.htm
Country
India
Sweetener
Sugar
Categories
Other/Weird, Soda Pop
Rating
1/5
Reviewed By
Jason Draper on December 1st, 2010
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Royal King Korean Ginseng Drink With Honey

Royal King Korean Ginseng Drink With Honey

You know how when you have plants in junky pots you generally put a plate underneath them. It catches the water that seeps out of the dirt after you water them. This tastes exactly like I would expect that runoff water to. I couldn't get more than one sip into me. Our friend Dan also likened it to "sweet creek water." If you're into either of those gross dirty waters, boy do I have an energy boost for you!

Country
Korea
Sweetener
Honey
Categories
Energy Drink
Rating
1/5
Reviewed By
Jason Draper on December 26th, 2010
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Royal King Red Panax Ginseng Extract 8000mg Extra Strength(contains 13.80 alcohol)

Pakola Ice Cream Soda

Pakola Ice Cream Soda

"Pakola, more like Puke-ola" - Terrence Joseph Reihle

Do you know what ice cream soda shouldn't taste like? Getting sprayed in the mouth with a nursing home's collective perfumes.

Completely undrinkable.

Website
http://www.pakola.com.pk/product/product.html
Country
Pakistan
Sweetener
Sugar
Categories
Soda Pop
Rating
1/5
Reviewed By
Jason Draper on January 1st, 2011
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Caravelle Basil Seed with Honey

Caravelle Basil Seed with Honey

"That tastes like boring cereal!" That was our friend Dan's first response to trying this. He was totally right, but that's not all it tastes like. It's like someone got out their old pestle and mortar and ground up a handful of banana Runts into a fine powder. Then they used the self same tool and ground up a big ole box of Kix cereal. They made sure to mix it all together for consistencies sake and then dumped it in to some honey sweetened water. That's it. Oh wait no it's not. How could I have forgotten the hundreds of floating little amoeba looking chunks in the bottle? The manufacturer says they are basil seeds, but the weird slimy coating on them leads me to believe that they are in fact TADPOLE EGGS! Okay, I know they aren't really, but they really do look like them. It looks like tadpole eggs floating in the urine of someone who takes a lot of vitamins. It’s a nice rich yellow color. It's unfortunate for the Caravelle company and myself that I like neither Kix nor bananas.

Country
Thailand
Sweetener
Fructose Syrup
Categories
Chunky, Other/Weird
Rating
1/5
Reviewed By
Jason Draper on January 25th, 2011
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Young Energy Source Plum Juice Drink

Young Energy Source Plum Juice Drink

Shit Sandwich.

Country
Taiwan
Sweetener
Fructose
Categories
Juice
Rating
1/5
Reviewed By
Jason Draper on January 30th, 2011
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Cell-nique Super Green Drink Dark Chocolate

Cell-nique Super Green Drink Dark Chocolate

Mike and I have had our collective eye on the Cell-nique drinks for months. We would see it in the store every time we went. More often than not we would pick it up and look at the bottom of the bottle. There is so much sludge there. It was equally enticing and disturbing. The $4 price tag deterred us for a long time, but I finally gave in this week. I wish that I had put it off even longer.

Let's start with the fact that this has the longest list of ingredients that I have ever seen on a drink. There are 36 different ingredients. Sheer insanity. There is so much crazy stuff in here that I never in a million years would have expected to drink. Also, everything says "Organic" before it. I hate when companies do that. It's such overkill. This is pretty much supposed to be the healthiest thing you can ever drink. By default that means that it's going to be one gag shy of a trip to Pukeland, USA.

Here is my thought process starting with smelling it:
-Wow this doesn't smell nearly as bad as I expected. It has a general cocoa smell, with some undertones of weirdness. This might not be nearly as bad as I had anticipated. Oh wow it would rule if this actually tasted good for how healthy it is for you.
*Bottles Up*
-Okay that tastes like a strangely fruity dark chocolate bar. It’s not the greatest thing ever, but not that bad. I also expected this to have little chunks of grain (Quinona) in it.
*.2 seconds later*
Oh sweet Jesus what the hell is that flavor. It's like someone took every single thing that was in a fridge and put it all into a blender. It's a complete assault on the taste buds. There is absolutely nothing good about this flavor. Show me someone who enjoys this and I will show you someone who is either a liar or someone that was tragically born without taste buds.
*Again .2 seconds later*
Okay now it tastes like I just ate a spoonful of black licorice and hot chocolate mix, but the taste of liquid hell is still lingering in the background. Oh man this flavor just will not leave my mouth. I may have to cut out my tongue if this doesn't go away. I'm going to try and wash it down with something else.
*Hands bottle to Mike, goes into the kitchen and downs a tasty fluid*

Mike wanted to add that it tasted like he was eating a campfire somewhere in the middle of the flavor spectrum. I can't comprehend how disgusting this is. It's now a few hours after my initial tasting and I still have the memory of the flavor on my tongue. I've eaten several things since then as well.

Mike said that I should give this a two. Things this healthy don't have a chance in the flavor department. Sometimes you have to deal with something purely disgusting for the sake of health. This is so disgusting that the only way I could give it a two was if it gave me supernatural powers. I'm still normal me, so it's getting the loneliest of all numbers.

Website
http://www.cell-nique.com/
Country
United States
Sweetener
Naturally Sweetened
Categories
Juice, Sports/Dietary Supplement
Rating
1/5
Reviewed By
Jason Draper on February 24th, 2011
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Cell-Nique, Green Spr Drk Choc Drk, 12 FO (Pack of 12) ( Value Bulk Multi-pack)

Bolthouse Farms Protein Plus Strawberries + Yogurt + Granola

Bolthouse Farms Protein Plus Strawberries + Yogurt + Granola

I actually had this a few weeks ago, but I was so disgusted by it that I left the bottle somewhere. Where to begin? How about by listing three things I love? Strawberries. Yogurt. Granola. One would think that by mixing them all together you would have awesomeness x's 3. One would also be wrong, just like this drink. It's a crime against nature that such great ingredients when mixed together would turn out so terribly. It tasted sour. I checked the expiration date and it had not passed. I also bought it from the grocery store, went home where I immediately put it in the fridge. No more than eight hours later I took it out and drank it. By drank it I mean took three sips before giving up. I shook it properly and everything. It's just not good. It's the only product Bolthouse has put out that I haven't loved. To add insult to injury there wasn't even chunks of granola in it like I had expected. It had all been blended together into a smooth liquid. Lame.

Website
http://bolthouse.com
Country
United States
Sweetener
Cane Sugar
Categories
Sports/Dietary Supplement, Yogurt
Rating
1/5
Reviewed By
Jason Draper on May 12th, 2011
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Botanical Vitality Citrus Splash

Botanical Vitality Citrus Splash

This is a diet water based drink similar to Vitamin Water or Gatorade. I took a sip and it tasted a bit strange. It was slightly chalky and tasted of citrus. There was something else there that I couldn't quite place. I handed the bottle off to Editor Dan and he couldn't place it either, although he was familiar with it. It was at this time that Dan discovered the downfall of this drink. He looked at the ingredients to try and sort out what the mystery flavor was. He didn't find what he was looking for. Instead he found that the drink contained cod, pollock, haddock, hake, cusk, redfish, sole and flounder in the form of "fish gelatin." What the hell!?!?!! I don't understand it at all, and I certainly don't approve. One sip was all that I ingested of this drink. It was mediocre at best to begin with, but the fact that I was drinking Nemo makes me say no thank you.

Country
United States
Sweetener
Sucralose
Categories
Diet, Water
Rating
1/5
Reviewed By
Jason Draper on May 12th, 2011
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FunctionALOE Cleanse Cucumber

FunctionALOE Cleanse Cucumber

I just finished off a container of hands down the best salsa I have ever tasted in my life. Christine Mackie’s mom made it, and I will love her forever for her salsa skills. The mass amounts of basil in it made it absolutely incredible. I am going to have dreams for months about this salsa. It will haunt me that it is not readily available in my life.

Now that it’s gone I just want a nice crisp tasting beverage. Cucumber drinks have never failed me in the past. They are always refreshing and tasty. Now you mix cucumber with aloe and you should have an award winning drink, right? Wrong! If I were a dirty child at some crazy strict olde timey Catholic school a nun would have smacked me over the knuckles with a ruler for that incorrect answer. Yes in theory it should have been amazing. In the world of functionAloe it was down right terrible. It tastes like neither aloe nor cucumber. It does taste like it should be some sort of cleaner. I really couldn’t get more than a few sips down before I started contemplating if I needed to call poison control. If I downed this entire bottle I think I might have to get my stomach pumped. I guess they weren’t kidding when they named this “Cleanse.”

Some people may blame the taste on the fact that it’s sweetened with stevia, but I can vouch for that little guy. I’ve had plenty of drinks that he has sweetened and he is my favorite “diet” sweetener. Also, there are no chunks in this. What is a point of an aloe drink without fun chunks?

For something that had the potential to be one of my favorite drinks ever this went in completely the wrong direction. It would have been hard for them to make it any worse. I really wish I had more of that incredible salsa to kill the poison on my tongue.

Website
http://www.lilyofthedesert.com
Country
United States
Sweetener
Stevia Leaf Extract
Categories
Aloe Vera, Diet, Sports/Dietary Supplement
Rating
1/5
Reviewed By
Jason Draper on June 28th, 2011
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Function Aloe Cleanse Cucumber 16.20 Ounces
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