Jason Draper (2751 reviews)

Jason plays bass in Failures' Union and owns/operates a screen printing shoppe called Wooden T-Shirts. He also eats veggie dogs by the gallon.

Organic Thinkers Herbal Drink Real Jamaican Sorrel Roots

Organic Thinkers Herbal Drink Real Jamaican Sorrel Roots

One of Mike’s boss’ once proposed the idea of him doing a Thirsty Dudes spin off based on hot sauce. You know to join the great spin offs such as Joanie Love Chachi, The Ropers, Just the Ten of Us, A Different World, Empty Nest, Daria, and to bring it back to the beginning: Laverne and Shirley. Knowing how Mike stores his drinks all over the floor at work I can only assume Kevin would store his hot sauce the same way. One would think that there would be no way that the two would ever be confused, that is until this bottle of Organic Thinkers Sorrel Root drink would enter the mix. At that point either Kevin is going to get a floral, herbal splash on his hot dogs or Mike is going to get a mouthful of some crazy hot sauce. I really hope it would be Mike’s mistake, but only if it was videotaped. Something like that is just too funny to not be immortalized in a digital format. Lucky for one of them that “Hot Sauce Dudes” or whatever it was going to be called never got off the ground, because seriously this bottle looks exactly like it should contain liquid fire.

This bottle expressly says there is no alcohol added. If it didn’t have that statement there is no way in hell I would have tried this as it smells like some sort of cocktail a grandfather would drink. I took the world’s tiniest sip, and I think there is no alcohol added because the drink itself is alcoholic. Actually it wasn’t even a sip I dabbed some on my finger and tasted it. Good-bye edge. This has to be alcohol. It smells like it, it has a slight burn (that could be from the ginger, and it tastes what I remember vodka or something like that tasting like, but with added sweetness. A drop on my finger is all I’m going to try and it was no good in my book. I’m sure it’s great for you health wise, but it’s not a flavor I can get down with at all, especially if it really does contain a substantial amount of alcohol from fermentation. Seriously I would rather take a shot of hot sauce than dump this on my food any day.

Country
Jamaica
Sweetener
Cane Sugar
Categories
Other/Weird
Rating
1/5
Reviewed By
Jason Draper on October 8th, 2012
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Suavva Cacao Juice Smoothie Chocolate

Suavva Cacao Juice Smoothie Chocolate

Mike gave the original version of this beverage a less than stellar review. The one line of his review that stuck with me, and also made me fear drinking the other flavors was, “It also smells like paint.” Nothing could make me want to taste something less than the smell of paint. Lucky for me when I finally gathered the courage to try this, the scent of paint was nowhere near my nostrils. They were only filled with the rich smell of chocolate.

Actually, maybe I wasn’t so lucky that the paint smell wasn’t there. Had it been I would have been more prepared for the way this tasted. I have never had cacao juice before, but I never would have expected it to taste like this. I mean it’s the base of chocolate for crying out loud. This tastes like it’s bitter, bitter dark chocolate mixed with acai or some such harsh fruit. It’s sweet, but in all the wrong ways. I wanted to like this because it has a lot of health benefits and I love chocolate, especially dark chocolate. I couldn’t bring myself to get further into this than three sips. I was hoping it would get better if I drank more, but nope it was still grosser than gross.

Website
http://www.suavva.com
Country
United States
Sweetener
Agave Nectar
Categories
Smoothie
Rating
1/5
Reviewed By
Jason Draper on April 16th, 2013
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Sosyo Mixed Fruit Flavor

Sosyo Mixed Fruit Flavor

Oh man, what have I done to myself? Working on this website has led me to taste some of the most wonderful flavors that have ever crossed my palate. For them I am thankful and the potential of running across others like them keep this site running. Then we come across products such as Sosyo and I want to flush it all away. Wipe my hands twice in the air and just walk away from the Thirsty Dudes empire.

I just knew this was not going to be anything resembling good in my world. Between the packaging that required a knife to cut away and ingredients that give no hint at a flavor (carbonated water, sugar, citric acid, sodium benzoate and caramel) there wasn’t much telling me that this would be something I would enjoy.

Let me go on a little tangent and tell you that I have recently been working my way through critics lists of the greatest horror movies of all times. I’ve already watched most that are on the lists, but I figured I should fill in the gaps and maybe find some gems. While there have been a handful of great movies, most of them that I had not already seen are just terrible to the point of nearly unwatchable, and I love terrible movies. With that being said there is more horror in this bottle than all of those movies combined.

It says it’s a mixed fruit flavor, but online I read something comparing it to cola. I thought it might end up being a fruity cola, which I could be into. Instead I received a mouthful of what tasted like how I imagine prison toilet wine would taste. I checked the Wikipedia page on Sosyo to make sure this hadn’t gone bad and it says that it’s a mixture of grape and apple cider that tastes alcoholic. It was apparently originally called Whisky No because of this. Ugh. No thanks. This is highly offensive to my tastes and I couldn’t get more than two sips into the bottle.

If you are a recovering alcoholic, who for some reason misses the taste of the worlds crappiest fruit alcohol, or are a child pretending to be an adult this may be the drink for you. If you’re tastes are anything close to mine, I warn you to stay away. It’s sad because I had a nice saag meal for lunch that I was hoping would pair nicely with this Indian soda.

Website
http://sosyo-thesoftdrink.com.md-25.webhostbox.net/
Country
India
Sweetener
Sugar
Categories
Soda Pop
Rating
1/5
Reviewed By
Jason Draper on January 31st, 2014
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Love Grace Chocolate Superfood

Love Grace Chocolate Superfood

Dear Love Grace,
I am sorry, but this is completely vile. It’s not just my hunger or my hatred of bananas either. I actually don’t even think this tastes much like banana. I made my girlfriend try it as well, as she loves fancy juices and bananas. She said it was one of the worst things she’s ever tasted and it reminded her of vomit.

One might think that a mixture of banana, goji berry, cacao, maca, vanilla bean, dates, coconut oil, flax seed and Himalayan sea salt might be tasty. One would most definitely be wrong. Cacao in its pure form and fruit is always a bad idea. The bitter and the sweet just never mix right. I’ve had goji berries and dark chocolate together before and I thought that was gross with 70% chocolate. This is nearly unbearable.

It’s also so damn thick that it wouldn’t pour out of the bottle. I had to shake it into my mouth. Once I made room in the bottle I added a bit of water to thin it out so I could chug it. I needed that flavor in my mouth for a short of time as possible, while still getting the nourishment. I instantly drank a glass of water to wash it all away. Unfortunately for the next 15 minutes I kept burping it back up. Ugh. This was enough to make me never want to do a cleanse that involved it again.

Website
http://lovegracefoods.com/
Country
United States
Sweetener
No Sugar Added
Categories
Juice, Smoothie
Rating
1/5
Reviewed By
Jason Draper on March 12th, 2014
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Angeleno Agua Fresca Tamarindo

Angeleno Agua Fresca Tamarindo

Normally when you see settling at the bottom of a bottle it means that the company knows what they are doing and you will be in for a treat. When I grabbed this and saw that it was pretty much all clear liquid with an inch of dark brown at the bottom things were looking up. I’m not normally a fan of tamarind, and I don’t really understand how anyone could be, but Angeleno’s other flavors have been great, so I thought this might be my stepping stone into this flavor. Wrong em Boyo.

The sweet and sour flavor of tamarind makes me feel like it is normally used in Chinese food, but they decided to liquefy it and add a bunch of sugar. Liquid Chinese food is no one’s friend. I really couldn’t get past three sips (very small sips) of this. This is the final straw: tamarind is definitely not for me. If you are a fan of this fruit, this is a very sweet version of it. I got no enjoyment out of it, but hopefully someone will. It’s always sad when a product made by Hansens misses the mark.

Website
http://www.hansens.com/us/en/products/juice/aguas-frescas/
Country
United States
Sweetener
Cane Sugar
Categories
Juice
Rating
1/5
Reviewed By
Jason Draper on April 7th, 2014
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H2PRO Bone and Joint Health Flavorless

H2PRO Bone and Joint Health Flavorless

Apparently flavorless is code for this tastes the way a dentist office smells; sterile and chalky. It’s all calcium citrate malate, malta dextrin, dimagnesium malate, silica and cholecalsiferal and no fun. At least it serves the purpose of helping with bone and joint health.

Website
http://www.h2probiotics.com/
Country
United States
Sweetener
No Sugar Added
Categories
Mix/Concentrate, Sports/Dietary Supplement
Rating
1/5
Reviewed By
Jason Draper on May 28th, 2016
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Qurb Dietary Supplement

Qurb Dietary Supplement

Look, it finally started snowing and in two days from now the holiday season starts. That means that you are more than likely going to be eating a lot of garbage over the coming month or two. All of those active activities you participated in all summer that got you into somewhat okay shape are all going to be thrown out the window. You’re going to pack the pounds back on and get squishy all over again. It’s the unending cycle for those of us who live in parts of the world that have four seasons. I can’t say if it really works or not, but Qurb is here to help. They are dietary supplement shots designed to help curb your appetite as well as promote weight loss. I can assume it’s not a magical product and you also need to exercise in tandem with drinking them, but any help is good help in the war against holiday cookies and pies.

The power behind Qurb comes from a combination of green coffee beans and fiber, plus vitamins and minerals. The green coffee beans help to promote weight loss and the fiber help to curb our appetite. Essentially this is a healthier, more natural version of the diet pills that ran rampant in the 90s. One can only assume that it won’t ruin your life like the pills did in Saved by the Bell.

I was shocked that this didn’t taste as horrible as I expected it to. Most shot drinks are concentrated nonsense, but this has a somewhat decent flavor. It’s almost vaguely citrus, with a vitamin taste to it. It’s nothing you would want to sip on for pleasure, but it’s not hard to get down either.

Brave that long winter and use these shots to help keep your cookie addiction in check. Come the nice weather you won’t have to put in as much work to get back into the nearly healthy body that you’ve always wanted.

Website
http://qurbshot.com
Country
United States
Sweetener
Erythritol
Categories
Diet, Sports/Dietary Supplement
Rating
1/5
Reviewed By
Jason Draper on November 22nd, 2016
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Rockstar Mojito

Rockstar Mojito

This…oh boy…this drink. This is something. The something this is just happens to be one of the worst beverages I have ever tasted. At first my brain told me that this tastes the way that horses smell. I know that shouldn’t be correct, since horses smell nothing like mint nor lime, but that was the signal that my taste buds were reporting back to my cranium. I don’t even know if that makes any sense to anyone, so I will put it another way. This also tastes like what I could only assume it would be like if you cool a bottle of coolant for a car and mixed in the fakest lime flavor you have ever tasted and then gave it some sort of coolness that you will then try to trick people into thinking is mint, even though it tastes nothing like any sort of mint that you have tried before. I couldn’t make it past a few sips of this. I really tried too, because I knew I was going to have a very late night, but I just could not convince myself that by drinking this I was drinking poison that would inevitably lead to my death.

This is the single worst energy drink I have ever tasted and I can only pray to whatever gods it is that I (don’t) believe in that it is discontinued.

Website
http://www.rockstar69.com/
Country
United States
Sweetener
Erythritol
Categories
Diet, Energy Drink
Rating
1/5
Reviewed By
Jason Draper on February 25th, 2018
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Jones Naturals Limes with Orange

Jones Naturals Limes with Orange

I've never been a huge fan of the Jones company. I do appreciate that they were early to the game in using cane sugar, but their sodas so sugary that they left a film on my teeth. This is my first tasting of one of their juices, and I have to say that I enjoy it much more than their sodas I've had in the past. It tastes like a thicker, but not syrupy, orange juice with a hint of lime. It may only be 10% juice, but it doesn't make you feel like crap like most other "juices" do.

Website
http://www.jonessoda.com
Country
United States
Sweetener
Inverted Cane Sugar
Categories
Juice
Rating
2/5
Reviewed By
Jason Draper on September 6th, 2010
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Ito En Mate Sencha Shot Yerba Mate Green Tea

Ito En Mate Sencha Shot Yerba Mate Green Tea

This is supposed to be an energy shot. The energy it supplies comes solely from the yerba mate and green tea, which are pretty much the only ingredients in the drink. If you are a fan of strong unsweetened tea and are looking for a little kick of energy, this is the drink for you.

Website
http://www.itoen.com/
Country
United States
Sweetener
Unsweetened
Categories
Energy Drink, Iced Tea, Shot
Rating
2/5
Reviewed By
Jason Draper on September 7th, 2010
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Ito En Mate Sencha Shot, Yerba Mate with Green Tea, 6.4-Ounce Cans (Pack of 30)
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