Jason Draper (1142 reviews)
Cozzo Qbic Apple Fruit Drink
Never before has apple flavor tasted so sickeningly sweet, yet still tasted so much like an actual apple. The spectrum of apple drinks normally ranges from your everyday normal apple juice to that disgusting fake sour apple flavor that tastes nothing like an actual apple. This somehow tastes like apple candy, but in a way makes you think that you’re actually biting into a nice red apple that has been soaking in a barrel of sugar water for the past three weeks. It’s strange, and it seems like it should be gross, you know too much, but it’s somehow not. On top of that it has chunks of nata de coco in it that make for a fun experience. So it’s now like that sugar soaked apple has little chunks of hard coconut bit throughout it. Wow, typed out that sounds completely disgusting, but believe me it works. Kids would probably enjoy this more than most adults, but if a lot of sugar doesn’t bother you, pick up a bottle at your local Asian market.
- Country
- Malaysia
- Sweetener
- Sugar
- Categories
- Chunky Drinks, Juice
- Rating
- Reviewed By
- Jason Draper on 3/25/2012
Clover Valley Peach Mango
Surplus! Surplus! Surplus! What on Earth are we going to do with this surplus of vegetables?!? Marky “accidentally” put the decimal point in the wrong spot on his last order before he spit in old man Peterson’s face and quit. Now instead of 50lbs of vegetables we have an entire warehouse full of them, and they are going to go bad fast. I know what you’re thinking, and no we are not going to donate them. Sure it would be a tax write off, but I’m not going in the business of throwing way money, especially in such high quantities. Don’t give me that look. I bet you have never done a day of charity in your life! Oh, you work in the soup kitchen and read to dying children in the hospital in your free time? Well aren’t you little mister perfect!
Wait a minute. What was that drink that you had last week? It was juice, but it also had vegetables in it. Ahh yes. V8 Fusion. You said that was delicious, so why don’t we do the same? We have a bunch of peaches and mangoes that we were going to make juice out of, why not stretch that a bit further and mix in a bunch of veggies. You could hardly taste them in that V8, or so you said last week. Plus the vitamin content will increase, which means so with the health benefits. People love healthy stuff these days.
Okay either you’re a liar, or V8 did something we didn’t because I can most certainly taste the vegetables in this juice. It tastes pretty much exactly like what it is; peach mango juice mixed with vegetable soup. Well if that vegetable soup was sweet, which is weird because we didn’t add any sugar. It starts off all right, but that aftertaste is like a bad gazpacho. We could cut down the number of veggies we use, but then we would still have an insane amount left after the fruit is gone. I think we should stick with this recipe. Even if it’s gross, people may still buy it because it’s a new product, and we have no intention of ever making more after all this produce is gone, so who cares if they will never buy it again. Now let’s make some juice.
- Country
- United States
- Sweetener
- No Sugar Added
- Categories
- Juice
- Rating
- Reviewed By
- Jason Draper on 3/25/2012
Old Towne Beverages Pineapple Passion Fruit
Imagine this if you will. It’s about 1am and you’re about to make a 3+ hour drive from Cleveland to Buffalo. You just got out of a show and you are dying of thirst. The thing is that you’re in the ghetto and pretty much everything is closed. You finally find a gas station, but your driver won’t stop because of “unsavory characters.” Instead you find a second gas station that looks far worse than the original one to you. You know you have a long drive ahead of you and you don’t want to sleep so a large beverage is what is needed. There it is staring you in your big stupid face. Pineapple Passion Fruit pop, with a suggested retail price of 99 cents. Keep in mind you’ve had a long day and your brain is weak from lack of fluids (that’s a thing, right?). To you this is a holy grail. Two of the worlds greatest fruits together for possibly the first time in soda form, in a bottle that is so big it will last you the entire three hours home, and on top of that it’s under a dollar. The gods must be smiling down on me. I quickly made my purchase and went back to the car. I didn’t even have the door of the car closed behind me when I suddenly realized four things: those fruits probably shouldn’t be made into soda, no one in their right mind needs that much fluid, especially when they are driving, nothing that big should be that cheap and that I had made a terrible mistake.
To sum this up, it’s now over a month later and I’m sitting here with this bottle and there is only maybe 1/5 of it gone. I didn’t get very far into it that night, or in the following weeks, because well it didn’t taste very good. It tastes just like it costs: cheap. The flavor isn’t pineapple nor passion fruit, but a general tropical citrus flavor. That is if tropical citrus flavor tasted completely artificial and like cheap hard candy. If you’re watching someone’s kids and you don’t care about their health give them this to drink. Their taste buds aren’t fully formed so all they will taste is the sugar, and they will probably love it. I can’t see any adults liking this, that is unless they accidentally drank a glass of acid in a lab, or blew far too much coke (isn’t any far too much?) and can no longer taste anything.
- Country
- United States
- Sweetener
- High Fructose Corn Syrup
- Categories
- Soda Pop
- Rating
- Reviewed By
- Jason Draper on 3/24/2012
San Benedetto Hello Kitty Banana Flavored Drink
So for a while now this drink has been bouncing around the three of us here at Thirsty Dudes. Mike found it somewhere for mere cents and had to buy it. The problem is that we all hate banana flavored things, well except Runts. Since then it has exchanged hands several times, never willingly. I really should have just kept it going. Hid it in Mikes burrito, or mailed Derek some crazy root beer, but drink it myself and fill the bottle back up with this “banana flavored drink.” An old roommate and I once hid a box of caramel popcorn in each other’s rooms for over a year. When one would find it, they would hide it somewhere in the others room. I wonder if he ever found it the last time I hid it. It’s been over two years since then. Oh well enough dilly-dallying and tales of wonder, I’m going to drink this bottle of what has to be grossness and end it’s reign of terror.
Oh god, I think it may be worse than I ever imagined. It’s one thing for something to be banana flavored. I mean they are gross, but tons of people like them. If it actually tasted like bananas I would have given it a decent review, because it would have tasted like it was supposed to and billions of people would have enjoyed it. There may be eight people in this world that might enjoy this monstrosity. It actually smells like banana Runts, so I thought there might be hope for it. Nope. It tastes like banana candy mixed with Windex. There is actual banana juice in this, yet I would be more suited to wash the windows of my house with this than I would be to drink it. Since this is Hello Kitty, and a weird flavor one would be led to believe that it is a product of Japan. Again, Nope. This sucker was made in Italy. Italy, you should know better. You’re drinks are normally top notch. I expected so much more from you.
- Country
- Italy
- Sweetener
- Sugar
- Categories
- Juice
- Rating
- Reviewed By
- Jason Draper on 3/24/2012
Amp Energy Focus Mixed Berry
Dude I know you’ve been working out a flat-tax proposal, but we totally have a gig tonight and we need your head in the game. What’s that? No, I don’t care that you somehow proved that there’s no god with your numbers. Don’t you see that is completely meaningless when we’re about to play the BATTLE OF THE BANDS! We’ve been practicing for weeks in Mark’s garage, and to be honest I need something to show my wife that this whole “little hobby” as she calls it is worthwhile. I mean I know we’re the best rockers this town has ever seen and that we’re totally going to ride to the top of the Billboard charts, but unless we win this thing I’m pretty sure Mavis is going to make me quit. So now drop the calculator, grab your bass and let’s go. You look a bit sluggish from going over those numbers all night, so I grabbed you an energy drink. They had a whole mess of them, but I grabbed this one because it’s called Amp and we’re rockers and there ain’t no rocker that’s gonna rock without his trusty Carvin amp. Also, it’s got some other junk in it that is supposed to help you keep focus and concentrate, and again to be honest you’re thunderous bass lines have been a bit sloppy lately. This should keep you on target. Actually I could use a little focus myself for my fiery solos. Hmm that stuff tastes pretty good. It tastes like some kind of blue candy that is basically just compressed sugar, you know like Spree or Sweet Tarts. It tastes better than your run of the mill energy drink. It actually doesn’t taste too chemically either. I would have thought adding more junk in an energy drink like choline and theanine would have made it taste more like a science experiment, but that sugary berry flavor really masks it well.
I really can’t believe that I talked about that energy drink the entire time we loaded up the truck, drove to the show, unloaded and set up. It’s time for us to start so here we go “If I Had A Million Dollars” in 4 3 2 1…….
- Website
- http://www.ampenergy.com
- Country
- United States
- Sweetener
- High Fructose Corn Syrup
- Categories
- Energy Drink
- Rating
- Reviewed By
- Jason Draper on 3/24/2012
Multi Vitamin Enhanced Water Lemonade
America has decided that they are simply too cool to take vitamins in pill form. There was a public hearing and it was decided that vitamin pills were just too 80’s, and not in the “cool” we dress like complete morons way. They were fed up, and demanded something simpler, because as you may know they are a lazy bunch. The FDA suggested that if they did not want to take their vitamins they should simply start eating better. If you’re getting everything you need from your food, supplements are completely unnecessary. America laughed in their face. They chuckled as they said there was no way in hell that they were going to give up their Big Macs, their pork rinds or their Double Downs. It was a sad day for America indeed. Then someone had a stroke of genius and decided to start putting vitamins into drinks. People could easily consume all of the vitamins they needed for the day in one convenient bottle. More importantly it was a drink for this decade, not the stupid past. Thus Vitamin Water and the like was born.
Not long after a million other companies started doing similar things. Some were great tasting others belonged in the filth can. Sadly Multi Vitamin Enhanced Water is closer to the latter. What we have here is a lemonade-flavored water. No it’s not just lemonade, it’s like watered down lemonade with a whole mess of vitamins thrown in the mix. The label boasts that there are “more vitamins in every bottle.” That is definitely true because you can taste them, and it’s not a good scene. In other companies versions of these drinks the flavor of the drink masks the taste of the vitamins. When you drink this you may be confused and think that someone put poison in your supposedly refreshing beverage. This is like the end of Planet of the Apes, but in beverage form. We finally did it. We got rid of the need for pill vitamins, but now it’s been replaced with gross tasting beverages.
- Website
- http://www.newyorkicedtea.com/
- Country
- United States
- Sweetener
- Pure Cane Sugar
- Categories
- Lemonade, Sports/Dietary Supplement
- Rating
- Reviewed By
- Jason Draper on 3/24/2012
Fruit 66 Sparkling Fruit Juice Fruit Punch
For as long as he could remember the road had called out to George. When he was younger he just loved the idea of cars. As he grew older he devoured the works of Kerouac and Ginsberg. Their words romanticized the road trip in a way that he had never imagined. When he was 16 he worked his little butt off and bought a junker car. He spent the next two years fixing up that car while he finished high school. The travel may have been in his blood, but he was a smart boy and he knew the dream couldn’t last forever, well unless he fell into the druggy crowd and died of an overdose. That could seem like forever. The time had finally come and he had just graduated and it was also his 18th birthday coincidentally. He rushed home from the ceremony to print up the directions for his trip. He had decided to keep it old school and he was going to drive historic Rt. 66 all the way out to California, where he would bask in the sun and dip his toes in the tide.
When he got home he hit print, grabbed his backpack and was out the door. It was somewhere around his 7th hour of driving that he noticed something was wrong. He was pretty sure that Alabama was not west of Kentucky. He pulled over and took a better look at his directions; he was an idiot. He was so excited that he didn’t really pay attention when he was typing into his computer. He must have hit the “F” key instead of the “R” and auto correct took care of the rest. He wasn’t on Rt. 66, and from the looks of the map these directions wouldn’t take him anywhere near it. Instead he was on “Fruit 66,” a series of roads that would take him to all of the major fruit farms that the United States has to offer. He decided that he had gone too far to turn back now, so he jut ran with it. He rationalized it by telling himself that it wasn’t the destination that was important to this trip, but the ride itself, so it didn’t matter where he went. It was also around this time that his old car was thirsty and needed to be filled up. When he pulled into the gas station he was surprised to actually see a Fruit 66 sign. He had assumed it was just a clever name the website had given to the route, apparently it was a real thing. He went in and there was a visitor’s center with maps and photos and it looked like he was in for a treat. He also would be passing through South of the Border aka the most racist place in the United States. At the back of the center there was a cooler with cans of Fruit 66 sparkling juice. They were only $1 so he grabbed a couple of cans; one for now and one for the road. As he walked out of the center he cracked open the can and took a big gulp. It was getting hot now that he was getting further south and he was a growing boy, a very thirsty growing boy. As soon as the juice hit his tongue he knew his little snafu was for the better. If this juice was any hint of what this trip was going to expose him to, well then life was good. It was some of the best sparkling juice he ever had. It was basically seltzer water with a whole bunch of fruit juice in it; you know the fruit punch fruits. Normally seltzer water disgusted him, but the juice sweetened it up enough to make it still taste slightly dry, but to mask the seltzer flavor. It was 100% juice in this can and it reminded him of a better version of Juicy Juice. Sweet, fruity and healthy, it was exactly what he needed to lift his spirits and quench his thirst. If this was just the first stop of his adventure he knew he was in for a treat. He could only hope that all of the rest stops along Fruit 66 would also have cans of this juice. Perhaps if the beat poets had taken this route insted of Route 66, they wouldn't have had so many issues and they would have been content. Now onward to the peach orchards of Georgia!
- Website
- http://www.fruit-66.com/
- Country
- United States
- Sweetener
- No Sugar Added
- Rating
- Reviewed By
- Jason Draper on 3/22/2012
Pop Shoppe Lime Ricky
Ricky was a boy who knew what he liked, and what he liked was limes. He had him mom buy limes by the bushel. He would put them on and in everything he ate. I’m not kidding the kid put limes on his PB&J. It was completely disgusting, but he loved it. Did I mention that Ricky was Canadian? Well he is, which means he also put limejuice on his poutine. If you ask me I think perhaps Ricky had an early life stroke that affected his sense of taste. I’m no doctor, but I see no other explanation for his love of limes.
Ricky’s mom worked in Burlington, Ontario at The Pop Shoppe factory. It was her job to make soda pop day in and day out. For Ricky’s birthday she wanted to do something special for him, so she convinced her foreman to make a lime soda and call it Lime Ricky in honor of her son. He was something of a local oddity so why not celebrate his insane taste buds? It was essentially their lemon lime soda, but without the lemon and double the lime. It was a bit more like lime candy than the fruit, but it all fell under the umbrella of Ricky’s love. The foreman was actually impressed with the taste of the soda, so he decided to make this limited edition pop part of their regular line. Lime Ricky you are a very special boy and I hope you enjoy your birthday present to the world.
- Website
- http://www.thepopshoppe.com/
- Country
- Canada
- Sweetener
- High Fructose Corn Syrup
- Categories
- Soda Pop
- Rating
- Reviewed By
- Jason Draper on 3/20/2012
OKF Aloe Vera King Guava Taste
Pomegranate had it’s hey day. Then it was acai’s time to shine. The world has had oranges, apples and gross bananas crammed down their throat for centuries. What I want to know is when is it going to be guava’s turn to stand in the spotlight? It is one of the greatest tasting fruits in the history of the world, and as I just learned it has a bunch of health benefits. It lowers the risk of both cancer and diabetes, it promotes fertility and good eyesight, and it helps regulate blood pressure. I think we need to declare the guava a superfruit this very minute.
Since it is now amongst the chosen fruits I shall celebrate with a bottle of guava flavored aloe drink. It’s really a match made in heaven. One of the most fun styles of beverage and one of the best tasting fruit all rolled into one. The weird “grape” flavor of the aloe blends in perfectly with the taste of the guava. It’s fruity and sweet in all of the right ways. The chunks of aloe are of average size, so you still get the fun aspect of them. At the store they had other flavors of OKF in larger bottles, but the guava only came in the smaller one. I feel as if I have been cheated and I demand restitution!
- Website
- http://www.okfcorp.co.kr/
- Country
- Korea
- Sweetener
- Organic Cane Sugar
- Categories
- Aloe Vera, Chunky Drinks
- Rating
- Reviewed By
- Jason Draper on 3/19/2012
Eldorado Vitamin Charged Natural Spring Water Black Raspberry
Did you know that I am fluent in Spanish? I’m actually quite the scholar. Give me anything and I will translate it for you. That? Sure I can translate your drink for you. As a bonus I will also translate the flavor of the drink into words you can understand. El Dorado, well that is just Spanish for “The Dorito.” I don’t know why anyone would want to drink something that tastes like liquefied tortilla chips with powder flavoring on them, but I guess it takes all kinds to make the world go ‘round. I’m actually regretting saying that I would translate the flavor for you. This really sounds revolting. Black raspberry Doritos, that just makes me want to vom. A promise is a promise so here I go. Hmmm this doesn’t taste like Doritos at all. It really just tastes like berry-flavored water. Did you know when I was a kid my grandparents had a farm and they grew three different types of raspberries? Yup, there were golden ones, your classic red ones and a couple of bushes of “black” ones (they were really dark purple/blue). I assumed they were just blackberries until the day I bought a container of black berries at the market. There was a definite difference. This surely tastes like the black raspberries my grandparents grew. It’s a different taste than the raspberries you are probably used to. It almost tastes like regular raspberries mixed with a couple of cranberries (minus the bitterness). I actually really like this and it seems that I have drunk your entire bottle. My apologies. I still don’t understand what this drink has to do with Doritos. Perhaps I should write the company a letter telling them it would be wise to change their name.
- Website
- http://eldoradosprings.com
- Country
- United States
- Sweetener
- Organic Cane Sugar
- Categories
- Sports/Dietary Supplement, Water
- Rating
- Reviewed By
- Jason Draper on 3/19/2012