Mike Literman (1766 reviews)

Mike loves new drinks. He's drank some gross stuff in his day, and this blog is making him drink even more against his will. That being said, he wouldn't trade it in for the world. He loves new beverages and is always, and always will be, on a quest for something new.

Rajbhog Sweet Rose Lassi

Rajbhog Sweet Rose Lassi

Travel back in time, back to the romantic era. The year is 1785 and you, a lonely soap maker meet a woman you love. You spend day in and day out producing sweet smelling soaps so that others may clean their bodies. Everyone loves your soaps and you do fairly well. People know you for who you are and respect what you do.

So along comes this woman who you begin courting in hopes that one day she will become your wife. She, of course, gets complimentary soap whenever she desires. She never grows tired of the scent and the way that it makes her skin feel. The soothing scents of lavender, roses, and other native flowers fill the air as she bathes herself once a month (not a scumbag thing. They took fewer showers since it was a chore to get hot water and they typically used "dry" shampoo to wash their hair. Leave them alone. They're all dead. I don't know why I mentioned it. Ignore that part. It's in type. I cannot be erased. It is too late.) She, if anything desires more scent. "More!" she beckons from the small one bedroom house as you trot off to work.

One day you go into work, and amongst all the animal fat and flowers and powders, and such, you think that you might try something new. You take the soap and melt it down and pour it into a glass. You frighteningly take a sip and it's pretty terrible, but you don't give up. No. You are not a quitter. You put some sugar in it and use less powder and more milk from the local dairy. After a couple secretive weeks of experimentation you've got it the perfect mix of creamy, sweet, floral drink that you desired.

The next day at the market, you fill some small bottles with this creamy mixture and have people try it. They do not like it. They say to you, "Good sir, we love your soaps for our bodies, but, alas, we do not love your soap for our gullets. I'm sorry." As you bow your head down in shame, your wife walks up to you with a smile on her face. She is so happy to see you. After all, you've spent so much time at the shop experimenting that your wife has nearly gone unnoticed. In hopes that she can cheer you up, as she always does, you give her a taste of your newest creation. She takes a dainty sip and a look comes across her face like no other you've seen before. She gives you a solid, definitive look of disappointment and then walks away. You don't talk to her for weeks until you finally agree that you will no longer produce the drink. You continue to bow your head in shame as yet another venture has gone up in smoke.

Basically, this drink tastes like old people soap.

Website
http://www.rajbhog.com/
Country
United States
Sweetener
Sugar
Categories
Smoothie, Yogurt
Rating
1/5
Reviewed By
Mike Literman on December 1st, 2010
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Stirrings Bitter Lemon

Stirrings Bitter Lemon

Ugh. You know what? Here's what you can do...

Go to the store and buy some chocolate pudding and a bottle of pop. Then, go over to your local shopping mall, go into the bathroom, take out your pudding cup and make a mess on the floor with it. Make an anonymous call to the mall service desk letting them know that the bathroom is in disrepair and they should clean it immediately. Wait in the fake shrubs and bushes for the cleaning staff to arrive and drink your pop. You'll need the bottle. When they arrive and go into the bathroom, take a slew of their cleaning supplies and pour them into the now empty pop bottle. Make sure to get things like lemon Pledge and any sort of citrus scented disinfectant. Carbonate it with magic or something. Go to the food court, get some low quality Chinese food and prepare to wash it down with your new concoction.

Honestly, this stuff from smell to taste was bathroom-esque. It was bitter, but I don't mind bitter. It was the smell of the stuff that was a turn off from the very beginning. The taste just sealed the deal. It might be a mixer, but if it is, label it as so because it was sold as a cocktail soda and I drank it as such.

Website
http://www.Stirrings.com
Country
United States
Sweetener
Cane Sugar
Categories
Soda Pop
Rating
1/5
Reviewed By
Mike Literman on January 3rd, 2011
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Caveman Foods Black Pepper

Caveman Foods Black Pepper

I'm straight edge. I have been for well over ten years. I went to a health food store looking for some interesting drinks when I came across this. I though that a kefir and black pepper drink would be interesting so I bought it. I opened it up, didn't waste time smelling it, and took a nice sip. Gross. I took another sip because I didn't learn my lesson the first time. Ugh. Gross. This drink tastes like beer. It could not taste more like beer. It tastes so much like beer that I feel sick because I feel like I drank beer and broke edge. I have dreams about drinking where I feel this unfixable guilt like I lost a large portion of my life and my morals and I can never get them back. Now this is real life and I want to make myself throw up. I hate Caveman Foods for doing this to me. Why couldn't this just be black peppercorn flavored yogurt like I wanted it to be? Even my girlfriend who drinks beer said that it tasted just like Miller High Life.

Website
http://www.eatcavemanfood.com
Country
United States
Sweetener
Sugar
Rating
1/5
Reviewed By
Mike Literman on January 5th, 2011
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Foco Aloe Vera Drink Mixed Berry Flavor

Foco Aloe Vera Drink Mixed Berry Flavor

Foco...come on. This is gross. It's so thick and syrupy. Dude, it's gross. It tastes diet but it most certainly isn't. It's somehow clear, regardless of how many colorful berries are on the can. It tastes like someone made aloe in cans that had a ton of soap residue on them. This might be the worst aloe I've ever had. I don't know what else to say. Thumbs down, Foco. There is no reason why a "regular" drink should get a one out of five review. I guess in those regards, you won. Congratulations?

Website
http://www.thaiagri.com
Country
Thailand
Sweetener
Sugar
Categories
Aloe Vera, Chunky
Rating
1/5
Reviewed By
Mike Literman on February 9th, 2011
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Wonderfarm Sour Plum

Wonderfarm Sour Plum

Plums? Prunes? Who cares? This stuff is rough. Rough like the seas that took down so many of our Viking brethren. Brethren. Remember how awesome it was when Hey Mercedes used the phrase "uniformed brethren" and you thought to yourself, "Woah, what a good use of that term." Is that me patting myself on the back for using words? Possibly, it's not the point. I am neither a genius nor a scholar. I don't read books and I do not partake in even the finest of wines. Parts of me wish that I would after drinking this near abomination.

Where to start? Well, first sip seems like a good place. It was gross. I asked myself in ever stage, "What's this in the middle?" and favorites like, "What's happening at the end?" The more you drink, the better it gets, but that's not to say that it's ever good or even drinkable. Between three people and two additional "sippers" there is still easily half a can of this stuff left. If you take a couple sips your mouth masks the grossness a couple percentage points and you find the prune/plum but it's not how you want it to taste. It's a tiny bit fruity, wildly bitter, and mostly undrinkable.

Website
http://www.wonderfarmonline.com/
Country
Malaysia
Sweetener
Sugar
Categories
Juice
Rating
1/5
Reviewed By
Mike Literman on February 22nd, 2011
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Simplifast Blueberry

Simplifast Blueberry

Ugh. Every time I take a sip it's like punishment. Not that "I know it's good for me so I'll do it" type of punishment. Not that "Oh this mouthwash burns, but I know it's killing germs and preventing me from getting gingivitis" type punishment. It's the "Who crushed all these Sweet Tarts and put them in this already disgusting juice?" type punishment. That's what it tastes like. 15 thousand Sweet Tarts, powderized and thrown into juice. It's supposed to detoxify, but I'd much rather just eat a bunch of celery, or maybe just perform an enema. Seriously, I can't imagine drinking this entire thing.

Here's the sweet thing about this review. Sure, it's gold already, but here's where I step up my own game. Who doesn't love math? This drink was $2.50. It's on the high side, but I figured, how can you mess this up? It's juice. So $2.50. On the label, it states that in order to achieve your intended weight loss goal of upwards of an estimated 15 pounds, you have to drink four drinks per day. Now we're up to $10 per day. Oh honey, don't let it stop there. You are supposed to drink 4 per day for a week. That's seven days. Bringing our grand total up to $70. $70 in juice.

I didn't need to detoxify. What do I have to clean out? Tacos? Please, leave them in there. I love them. Your drink on the other hand...

Website
http://www.simplifast.com
Country
United States
Sweetener
Organic Maple Syrup
Categories
Diet, Sports/Dietary Supplement
Rating
1/5
Reviewed By
Mike Literman on March 21st, 2011
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Simplifast Detox Fasting Beverage, Blueberry, 16-Ounce Bottles (Pack of 12)

FRS Healthy Energy Orange

FRS Healthy Energy Orange

At first, this was just orange juice. The further down the can I got, the more I hated it. I know, Dad. I shouldn't use the word "hate", but who cares in this case. I'm an adult man now and I can say what I want. We've had our differences, like that time I wore non-prescription glasses to Thanksgiving and we got in that fight and didn't talk for a year. That was awful. Sorry Dad, but this time I'm putting my foot down and saying what I want about this drink. It promptly starts tasting like someone poured orange juice powder in this can and filtered out the actual juice. Did someone just give me roofies? Man, I hope not. I've got stuff to do.

Don't spike my drink, and Lance Armstrong, sorry I don't enjoy what you endorse. Deal with it.

Website
http://www.frs.com/
Country
United States
Sweetener
Organic Evaporated Cane Juice
Categories
Energy Drink, Sports/Dietary Supplement
Rating
1/5
Reviewed By
Mike Literman on March 23rd, 2011
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FRS Healthy Energy Liquid, Orange, 11.5-Ounce Cans (Pack of 24)

Rogers Fizzy Amla with Jeera Masala

Rogers Fizzy Amla with Jeera Masala

This was our thousandth review. We needed to do something fun/gross/different for you and we decided to incorporate some significant others, pets, and babies. Watch the video and learn what we thought about Rogers Fizzy Amla with Jeera Masala.

Thank you very much for following us along this partially disgusting, partially delicious, mostly mediocre trip. Now, for your viewing pleasure, have a video review.

Country
India
Sweetener
Sugar
Categories
Other/Weird, Sparkling
Rating
1/5
Reviewed By
Mike Literman on April 17th, 2011
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Sparkling Ice Pomegranate Berry

Sparkling Ice Pomegranate Berry

Drinking this beverage is like voluntarily taking a vacation to a diet nightmare. Think of yourself as a standard man. You love hamburgers, french fries, milkshakes, and you drive a sweet '64 1/2 Ford Mustang. You have enough product in your hair to be considered a natural disaster and all you wear is blue jeans, black shoes, and white V-neck T-shirts. Sure, all I know about being a man apparently came from "Happy Days", but that was when men were men and women were women...not really, but you know how these reviews tend to go.

So you're a man. While eating a cheeseburger from some chrome diner, you meet another woman's glance and you fall in love. You go to the drive in. You go to whatever a sock hop is. You listen to records. All is great in the world. You decide to get a place together. You first shopping excursion, you buy the following standard items; hamburgers, Murry's pomade, toothpaste, new pack of shirts since yours all have greaze on it from working on your hog, and some cereal. Your girlfriend is trying out dieting even though she can't clock in at more than 110. I mean, she's got a killer body and you can lift her all day long, and you do. She buys items like, low fat milk, egg whites, Lean Pockets, and Sparkling Ice Pomegranate Berry.

You pay the $7.32 bill and head home, not having any idea of the torturous night you have ahead of you.

You make some hamburgers for yourself since you girlfriend wouldn't dare eat meat because it's too fatty and she's endlessly watching her figure, so she makes an egg white omelet. You think it's fine because she's so easy to look at and you ask her for something to drink while she's in the kitchen. She grabs you one of her six Sparkling Ice drinks. You sit down to a nice meal and you take a bite of your burger, love it, and then take a big, manly sip of your drink. You can't believe it. Your otherwise perfect girlfriend is trying to poison you. Surly, no one who is trying to live would drink this. It's fruity but so fake tasting that you swear it's flavored plastic fruit like the kind your grandma has on her living room table like she's permanently doing "still life" art drawing of the same fruit. You take another sip. It's no better than the first. It’s so sharp, so strong. It's cuts through the flavor of your meal and slices it's way down your throat like candy coated razor blades.

Needless to say, you and her do not work out and it's unfortunate. She had everything going for her, and people aren't going to understand. You'll catch flak for it for a while until people realize that this "diet" thing that's going on is not good for business. You'll be fine and you will grow from your experience while she will search endlessly for results that will never be enough and she will forever be unsatisfied.

Website
http://www.sparklingice.com/
Country
United States
Sweetener
Sucralose
Categories
Diet, Sparkling, Water
Rating
1/5
Reviewed By
Mike Literman on May 8th, 2011
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Sparkling ICE Mountain Spring Water, Pomegranate Berry, 17-Ounce Bottles (Pack of 12)

Pure Cool It's Berry Cool! Pomegranate, Cherry, & Cranberry

Pure Cool It's Berry Cool! Pomegranate, Cherry, & Cranberry

Greg makes a good point. He said, "How can you make a product like this. Doesn't anyone taste it before it leaves the company?" I made everyone, and I mean everyone, drink this because it was so bad. How bad? I would describe this as a berry scented urinal cake. Ladies, don't know what a urinal cake smell like? Go to your local bar, and don't bother going into the bathroom because it already smells like a urinal cake. If it doesn't, go into the men's room and take a big whiff. That's pee and urinal cakes [slash] what this drink tastes like. It was co-described as a watered down cough syrup. I concur. It was co-described as medicinal. I concur. I was going to make up this great tale about how I'm "pure cool" but it's not worth it.

Honestly, you have to taste it to believe it, but this is sheer garbage. It is "cool" but I think that it's the cherry in there that's medicinifying, a technical term, this drink. I had ten people try it and there is half a bottle left. No one except me went in for seconds. No double takes. No, "wait, is it really that bad?" Well friends, I will tell you, it was that bad and it still is that bad, in a half full bottle, in the garbage.

Garbage. If you see it, it will inevitably be on sale. Buy it and make one of your dumb friends taste it. You'll laugh when you hear what he has to say about it. It will probably be something along the lines of what I described above.

Website
http://www.drinkpurecool.com/
Country
United States
Sweetener
No Sugar Added
Categories
Water
Rating
1/5
Reviewed By
Mike Literman on August 4th, 2011
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Buy Now
PURE COOL Berry Cool, 16 Ounce Bottles (Pack of 12)
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