Mike Literman (1766 reviews)

Mike loves new drinks. He's drank some gross stuff in his day, and this blog is making him drink even more against his will. That being said, he wouldn't trade it in for the world. He loves new beverages and is always, and always will be, on a quest for something new.

San Pellegrino Sanbitter

San Pellegrino Sanbitter

Although this drink may be an acquired taste, who would want to go for a second one when it tastes like this? I don't hate the San Pellegrino Chinotto and I understand that it is an Italian staple, but this is something else.

Someone recommended this to me not too long after we started the site and I never found one that wasn't in an eight pack. If it was something that wasn't questionable, I might have gotten it, but since it was called a bitter, I didn't want to splurge and get an eight pack and have seven other ones lying around never going to be drank. Drinking this makes me appreciate my decision.

This drink tastes medicinal. The flavor seems like it might want to be cherry, and if you sip the smallest sip, you might taste it, but anything larger than that you get an onslaught of a medicine you were not prescribed. Oh, it's bitter, there is no doubt about that, but what is that good for? "Oh, I love a nice, bitter drink that doesn't have a taste as much as a tongue reaction when I drink it." Who is saying that? Who wants anything overly bitter? It's like asking for something too sweet or too salty. Does this accompany anything? I'm just so confused as to the purpose of this. I'm glad it was cheap, I'm glad it came in an awesome bottle, I'm glad I'm not obligated to drink the whole thing.

Website
http://www.sanpellegrino.com
Country
Italy
Sweetener
Sugar
Categories
Juice, Sparkling
Rating
1/5
Reviewed By
Mike Literman on September 18th, 2011
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Bitter Red

Tim Horton's Supreme Caramel Apple Cider

Tim Horton's Supreme Caramel Apple Cider

On the turn of a dime, it has become fall. Autumn to some, fall to others. I've been wearing a hoodie for a couple days and although I missed their deep hood, welcoming pockets, and going outside, throwing up my hood immediately, and feeling like a robber or rapist. Try it. I would never rape or never rob, but I just feel like if someone saw me throw my hood up, they would think I am up to no good.

Fall means cider. Apples in any form, really. On my way to visit my parents, I stopped by Tim Hortons and I wanted a mint chocolate, iced cappuccino, but was convinced to try a hot caramel apple cider. I got it because seriously, how can you go wrong? Apple cider and caramel and the added delicacy of whipped cream on top. Sweet. Half an hour later, I open up the cup and prepare my senses to enjoy pleasure to a parental advisory level. Then... Disappointment. To the fullest extent. It tasted like I was drinking a liquid candle. I am not exaggerating. If you went to Yankee Candle or equivalent, bought an apple cider candle, went out into the food court, lit it with a borrowed lighter because you just quit smoking, and drank the wax, you, my friend, have just drank a Tim Hortons hot apple cider with caramel.

I have easily half left and cannot stomach another sip.

Website
http://www.timhortons.com
Country
United States
Sweetener
Not Listed
Categories
Cider
Rating
1/5
Reviewed By
Mike Literman on October 2nd, 2011
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7 Eleven 7 Select Essence of Chicken

7 Eleven 7 Select Essence of Chicken



For your viewing pleasure and enjoyment. I have drank and video'd my review for 7 Eleven's very own "Essence of Chicken." Watch the video and let me drink this for you.

Website
http://www.7-eleven.com/
Country
Taiwan
Sweetener
Couldn't Read Ingredients
Categories
Other/Weird
Rating
1/5
Reviewed By
Mike Literman on October 19th, 2011
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Alo Coco Exposed Mangosteen + Mango

Alo Coco Exposed Mangosteen + Mango

This could not be a more disgusting drink. I mean it. This is hardly drinkable. I took one sip and essentially signed off on the whole thing. I love aloe. This has so much chunk in it that you think that you're drinking something else. It's downright thick. Second, it's got coconut water in it which I am not the largest fan of, but I thought that since it's got fruits in there, both prefixed with "mango" ironically, it might be alright. Nope. It stood out like a sore thumb. I can taste the fruit but it's so masked by chunks and coconut that you'd be better off just not adding flavor, or more flavor. This drink is a Frankenstein of all things bad and no, I'm not using that phrase because it's a week away from Halloween.

Website
http://www.alodrink.com/
Country
United States
Sweetener
No Sugar Added
Categories
Aloe Vera, Chunky, Coconut
Rating
1/5
Reviewed By
Mike Literman on October 26th, 2011
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Coco Exposed 12/350ml Mangosteen + Mango

Typhoon Enterprise Company Ltd Hawthorn Berry

Typhoon Enterprise Company Ltd Hawthorn Berry

Plums = Prunes. Like the Alamo, never forget. Also never forget that in the East, their prunes are smoked or something because everything plum/prune flavored tastes like you are eating their Western equivalent at a bonfire. Smokes. It's like chipotle fruit. Now allow me to read the ingredients to this drink because it should be the best drink I've ever had:
Water. Sugar. Hawthorn berry. Plum. Hibiscus flower. Licorice.

Could this drink sound any better? I mean, I don't know what hawthorn berry tastes like, but it's a berry. I get it. The plum/prune, I can say with most certainty, ruined this drink. I cannot taste anything but that. I love hibiscus drinks and love licorice and those are non-existent and that blows. It smells and to a lesser extent tastes like fruity beef jerky. Man. Editor Dan, the bequeather of this drink, was right. It sucks and should be better. If I could dissect this drink, I would do it in a heartbeat. Take all the plum/prune DNA out of it, add some water to put it back together, drink it again and love it.

Drats. This sucked.

Country
Taiwan
Sweetener
Sugar
Categories
Juice
Rating
1/5
Reviewed By
Mike Literman on January 31st, 2012
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Alo Coco Exposed Wheatgrass

Alo Coco Exposed Wheatgrass

Nope. I went into this thinking it was going to be gross and hoping to be wrong and I was right. Story time? You've got it.

There was once a bar that Jay DJ'd at and it was pretty great. They sold everything and also served food and drink. You could go in there, buy a nice meal and the chair you sat in to eat it. Tables, chairs, toys, odds and ends, and more; everything was for sale. It was cool. Jay and I were there for a night he was playing and he took a break and they offered wheatgrass so we split a shot of it. It wasn't bad. We thought it was going to be gross, but it just tastes like the smell of freshly cut grass. A little sweet but very...fresh. Very green. It's got some immense amount of vitamins and minerals equivalent to multiple servings of vegetables.

This is just a strange, smooth, chunky texture, like if you watered down your morning oatmeal and drank it, except your oatmeal smelled like if you poured the dust from a box of Cheerios into a cup rather than actual cereal.

This is bad. I have said it before and I'll say it again. How does stuff like this make it to market?

Website
http://www.alodrink.com/
Country
United States
Sweetener
No Sugar Added
Categories
Aloe Vera, Chunky, Coconut
Rating
1/5
Reviewed By
Mike Literman on March 6th, 2012
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Aloe Farm Coco Expds, Wheatgrass, 11.80-Ounce (Pack of 12)

Yon Ho Black Soybean

Yon Ho Black Soybean

This couldn't look more like chocolate milk. I knew it wasn't. I knew it. It just looked so much like it that I endlessly hoped that it did. So much. Then I took a sip and...bleh. It has a bit of an open, airy, slightly sweet, packing peanut taste. But it looks so much like chocolate milk. I gave it to my boss, because I'm a fantastic employee, and told him it was chocolate milk. Because of who I am and the fact that we've been working together for like five years, he knew I was up to something. Then he smelled it, confirmed I was up to something, drank it anyway, and for a minute, made that "ugh" sound.

Different tastes for different countries, I guess. If it was my job to sell this drink I might quit my job because I don't know anyone who would desire this drink, but I'm sure it's huge in Taiwan and I'm going to get a lot of foreign flack for this review. It is sweetened so I assume this is a casual drink, like pop would be to us. Taiwan? Anyone? I know there are a couple of you over there that can answer me.

Website
http://www.yonho.com
Country
Taiwan
Sweetener
Sugar
Categories
Soy
Rating
1/5
Reviewed By
Mike Literman on March 15th, 2012
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Kowloon Vegetarian Plum

Kowloon Vegetarian Plum

There is an ex-construction, current architect in the office and I made him drink this. He was unsuspecting and this caught him off guard. Want to know why? It's completely disgusting. Reason I bring up his current and past job experience is that he described it as old oak. That man knows a thing or two about wood. Another dude here who is not an ex-construction or current architect described this to taste like a burning house. I'm drinking something that has everything to do with smoking and flames and wood. In China, this is what they drink. Now I don't know how frequently they are doing this, but come on. Who is really drinking this? It's complex as heck but there is no great payoff. If you had juice, burned a piece of wood in a bonfire, took that piece of wood out and marinated it in the juice and then drank the juice, that's what I am drinking.

Please. Someone. I know that people from China read this blog. I check the analytics and although it's not a great number, we do have traffic from China. Explain to me either here or via our contact form what is appealing to you about these plum/prune drinks. I can't wrap my head around it.

Country
China
Sweetener
Sugar
Categories
Juice
Rating
1/5
Reviewed By
Mike Literman on March 26th, 2012
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Hansen's Sugar Free Acai Black Tea

Hansen's Sugar Free Acai Black Tea

Oh, no. I don't want to do this to Hansen's again. I really like a lot of their products but I have to do this. I owe it to myself so that I may sleep at night and the public since I am the messenger. People come here for professionally written reviews about products the world loves. This, though...phew. What a dump of a drink. It is a liquid. This is true. It tastes like some garbage, diet powder mix drink. Now, I've had some of those that are good, but this would not be one of those. I'm not 100% on Acai's bus. I'm half way out the door with the driver pushing me in so that he can get me, and my fellow riders, to our destination on time. Don't push me, bus driver. I'm not ready to give in, yet. This drink is bitterly sweet like Acai drinks are but, man, uber-sweet and uber-diet.

This is an abomination of a black tea. Black tea should sue Hansen's for the slander that is this drink. As soon as this hits my mouth I am in terror. Diet. Bleh. I've drunk Spenda drinks before but this might take the cake as being some of the worst I've ever had. There are light years of distance between "sugar free" and "unsweetened" and if you don't know that, you should get out of the game and enjoy something else.

Hansens. You know I love you. I love many of your products. If you could remove this and that pineapple drink that I hated from your line, I would give you the highest reward of plugging the daylights out of you, until then, justice.

Website
http://www.hansens.com/
Country
United States
Sweetener
Splenda
Categories
Iced Tea
Rating
1/5
Reviewed By
Mike Literman on June 14th, 2012
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Hansen Beverage Acai Black Tea Sugar Free, 16-Ounce Bottles (Pack of 12)

Phenom Energy Acai Peach

Phenom Energy Acai Peach

Terrible. Awful. Putrid. Twice as awful. I sparingly like coconut water as it is but this...man...something went wrong here. It smells good. I was hoping this would be awesome. It had to be. It smelled good. Then you take a sip and it all goes wrong. This was cold, the way that coconut water is supposed to be drunk. It tasted like if toothpaste was made from mashed up coconuts and people were crying it was so bad so someone at the company mixed a little fruit in it. It's heavy, heavy coconut and all the blast coolers in the world couldn't save this drink.

I wish I had my tongue scraper with me. This drink was unbearable.

Website
http://www.phenomwater.com
Country
United States
Sweetener
No Sugar Added
Categories
Coconut, Sports/Dietary Supplement
Rating
1/5
Reviewed By
Mike Literman on August 8th, 2012
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Phenom Mega V 100% Natural Coconut Water, Acai Peach (Pack of 6)
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