Mike Literman (1691 reviews)

Mike loves new drinks. He's drank some gross stuff in his day, and this blog is making him drink even more against his will. That being said, he wouldn't trade it in for the world. He loves new beverages and is always, and always will be, on a quest for something new.

Four Point Zero Perfect Seltzer Black Raspberry

Four Point Zero Perfect Seltzer Black Raspberry

Ahh black raspberry. The most "goth" of all the fruits. No. That's not true. Blood orange could probably win in a quiz show involving nothing but questions about Jesus and Mary Chain and Bauhaus. I guess runner up would be black raspberry followed by black cherry. Cherry is too close to "cheery" which is not the epitome of goth.

This tastes light and bubbly. We won't tell anyone about that, though. It's nice. From drinking giant bottles of Polar seltzer all the time to a nice, smaller glass of this, it's refreshing to be able to have a different flavor. It smells nice and fruity and is just a good, simple drink. Both of the Cocteau Twins would be happy to drink this and unhappy about everything else.

Sweetener
No Sugar Added
Categories
Sparkling, Water
Rating
4/5
Reviewed By
Mike Literman on July 19th, 2016
Comments
View and Leave A Comment
Buy Now
Buy at SpecialtySodas.com

Polar Mango Berry

Polar Mango Berry

Do I love mango? No. Not really. Will I say this might be the most accurate interpretation of mango? Yep. I don't know what it is about mango but whatever it is, it has been so poignantly captured within this bottle that if you like mango, you can just buy a couple bottles of this and save yourself the trouble of shaving, cutting, cubing or whatever it is you do with a mango.

I don't get a lot of berry in here but you get so much mango that you have no reason to wonder why her name came first. I didn't want to appear sexist so I made mango a "her." You like that? I'm not a misogynistic turd. Mangos can do whatever they want. If they want to make fruit love in this bottle than so be it. That makes it more disgusting for me to drink. I wish I hadn't said that. Even if it is fake.

Website
http://www.polarbev.com
Country
United States
Sweetener
No Sugar Added
Categories
Sparkling, Water
Rating
4/5
Reviewed By
Mike Literman on July 12th, 2016
Comments
View and Leave A Comment

Karma Wellness Water Probiotics Blueberry Lemonade

Karma Wellness Water Probiotics Blueberry Lemonade

Blueberry lemonade. I've got to say, it's good. I like mixing it. I like shakin' it up. I like(d) drinkin' it up. That's all that you need from me? Wait wuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuut? You want a review? People still come to this site expecting reviews? I tell stories, man. Yesterday was the fourth of July and like ten people made a whirlpool in my cousin’s pool. It was awesome. Is that what you want? I've got plenty of these. I've got plenty but I guess you don't want that. You want me to say things like, "This isn't gross. This actually tastes like blueberry lemonade. I've never had blueberry lemonade and I think it would be sourer but taste similar. It kind of tastes like if they made a blueberry lemonade Gatorade. Three thumbs up. Would drink again."

I thought you wanted more from me. I'm more than a great product reviewer. I've got skills and traits you don't even know about. We're growing apart. I think we need to see other people and I'm going to start with that chick with the cool boobs over there.

Website
http://www.drinkkarma.com/
Country
United States
Sweetener
Cane Sugar
Categories
Lemonade, Mix/Concentrate
Rating
3/5
Reviewed By
Mike Literman on July 5th, 2016
Comments
View and Leave A Comment
Buy Now

Mountain Dew Kickstart Blueberry Pomegranate

Mountain Dew Kickstart Blueberry Pomegranate

I'm beat, dude. Worked until 2, home at 2:30, asleep by quarter to 3, up at 6:30. I need a pick-me-up. I've been disappointed by Dunkin' Donuts inability to make a consistent drink. So what do I choose? I guess this Mountain Dew Kickstart from a bodega I rarely go to but needed to take a walk outside.

How is it? It's fine. I don't know to what caliber this is of a juice and an energy drink but it's got caffeine in it so I guess it will eventually do something. It's not bad. It's pretty sweet and very fruity but I think it tastes better than your run-of-the-mill energy drink. I don't know if I specifically taste blueberry or pomegranate but I'm not complaining. With a drink like this, I don't hold them to their word like I would a "real" juice. Sorry. I'm not trying to be offensive. It's like it's a sparkling juice first and everything else just peeks their little heads in and out to say hello.

I don't know if it's "helping" because I'm fading fast but I've made it to 3:30 and wasn't late for work today. Somewhere there is an accomplishment but I'm too tired to see it. Maybe...if I just close my eyes...for just a second.....

Website
http://www.mountaindew.com/
Country
United States
Sweetener
High Fructose Corn Syrup
Categories
Energy Drink, Juice, Soda Pop
Rating
3/5
Reviewed By
Mike Literman on June 29th, 2016
Comments
View and Leave A Comment
Buy Now

Orgain Organic Meal Creamy Chocolate Fudge

Orgain Organic Meal Creamy Chocolate Fudge

I have decided to make some changes and go on an liquid diet. Not the liquid diets that your fat secretary does when they say that they're going to drink the pain of still living at home at 47 away. The kind where you realize that your metabolism just isn't what it used to be. I'm going to do this for as long as I can and will update this review daily so let's get the review out of the way and leave the daily masochism to the people who love reading.

This is chocolate. I wouldn't really accept "fudge" as anything but an extra word that doesn't mean anything. Fudge is thick. This is watery. You mix it with water and it doesn't thicken up. Sure you can mix it with milk or almond milk if you're trying to be healthy, but when you mix with water, it doesn't thicken up. It's fine and I've now tried it iced with admittedly too much water and ice and with the minimum requested amount of water and it tastes the same; watered down chocolate milk. I'm reluctant to even say "chocolate milk" but "chocolate water" makes me want to barf so I didn't type it...until now. I don't foresee any problem drinking/eating only this for the next several days, though. I assume it will become expectant and boring but it is not bad. It doesn't taste "healthy" but it does have a bit of that "Erythritol" taste to it. I don't dislike that, as I have mentioned in my many previous, Erythritol ridden drinks.

Moving forward will be my experience with my first supplement only life. Wish me luck and enjoy my impending sorrow.
________________________________________

Timeline

Two-ish weeks or until the container is gone. Monday, June 20th to Friday, June 1.



Guidelines

Ingest only this. If I find myself needing food, I will allow raw almonds. Tons of water and unsweetened tea are the only other acceptable things. I have a show this Saturday which I might have to "break" but that's just so people don't think I'm crazy.



Logic

I am a thirty four year old male. I love food. I don't eat like an ignoramus but I don't eat smart a lot. I eat a lot of tacos, chicken, and hot dogs. I love a good meal. I like spending good money and getting a good meal in return. I go to nice restaurants and enjoy them and I go to bad restaurants and enjoy them. Food is food and I am aware of the context of the quality and accept all of it. I have gained weight slowly but surely over the years and need a control. I need discipline. I snack a lot. Not unhealthy stuff; almonds and maybe a dozen M&Ms per day, nothing that's going to welcome diabetes with open arms. I go to the gym rarely because I'm too tired from live, work and raising two kids. Anyone who has kids should never blame anyone for not going to the gym and anyone who doesn't have kids doesn't understand and should not have an opinion whatsoever. My fiancé tells me this is not a good idea and that "this isn't how you do it." I half agree but the other half needs a fixed, strict regimen or I will stray. "This and nothing else." is simple and there is no gray area.
________________________________________

Day 0

Today, Father's Day, is the last day I will eat food for a while. In typical Mike fashion, I did not eat terribly well. Breakfast burrito, two hot dogs, slice of pizza. Not all my eating is that bad and American, but today it was. Today I clocked in at 156.7. I am not happy about it but that's why we're doing this.
________________________________________

Day 1

Success. I didn't think it was going to be bad but towards the end of the day I felt a little spacey. I had band practice and that distracted me from being hungry. Breakfast to lunch was alright. Lunch to dinner was rough. I started getting headaches around four. I'm going to try to not eat lunch until later. I find it strange to not just grab something to eat when I'm hungry. It's clearly a habit and I'm realizing that quickly. I am also seeing food everywhere. In my house. In advertisements. I'm starting to think about restaurants I haven't been to in a long time. I didn't see that coming. I mixed a handful of different percentages. I did a full eight ounces and that was fine. I mixed like five ounces of water with a bunch of ice and that's much better. It takes me longer to drink and that helps.

I weighed in at 153.7. I doubt that I lost three pounds and there has to be some sort of other factor. I don't trust that.
________________________________________

Day 2

I'm getting irritable. Between personal issues, issues with my brat kid, issues with my car and the fact that I haven't eaten anything in two days I am getting sick of things quickly. I still find myself thinking out of nowhere things like, "I would love to go to Swiss Chalet." which is a normal occurrence but typically not in the middle of nowhere. I'm not exactly "weak" but I am tired. I fight hunger and fight the urge to "just eat an apple" but I'm holding off. I could eat an apple. These are my rules but I'm not. I'm still not sick of the drink and I'm getting a good blend down. I actually look forward to it because I know that my body needs food. It actually makes me happy to know that I can eat soon and don't mind that it's the same thing I've eaten for the past six meals. It's my sustenance and it's all I've got. I weighed in at 152.6.

________________________________________

Day 3

I was two hours late for dinner due to a busy life and nearly knocked everyone out. I was at my parent's house, filled with food and had to leave. Everything looks good. Everything tastes good. I'm questioning why I am doing this more every day. I love food. I want to eat. I'm hungry and I am coming to the realization that it's alright to be hungry. It't not OK to be starving but it's alright to be hungry. I don't need to instantly quench my hunger. I'm down to 150.8. That's six pounds. That's basically a child's bowling ball in three days. I can't tell where it's going or where it's coming from.

Website
http://www.drinkorgain.com
Country
United States
Sweetener
Organic Erytritol
Categories
Diet, Mix/Concentrate
Rating
3/5
Reviewed By
Mike Literman on June 20th, 2016
Comments
View and Leave A Comment
Buy Now

Karma Wellness Water Probiotics Berry Cherry

Karma Wellness Water Probiotics Berry Cherry

I enjoy the powder much more than the concentrate but this one didn't taste as much like Flintstone vitamins as I would have liked. It was not bad but it was just not what I thought. It was actually like a dark, sweet juice more than a water. I don't know what the line is between water and juice but if you gave this to one hundred people, I would say that everyone would call it a juice.

Karma is good at coming up with new flavors and this is good. It's not anything special. It's not a flavor that you haven't had before but they are always coming out with something new. This, if anything, is a nice, familiar juice that is low in calories and high in probiotics. That's a win, right? What more could you ask for? If you say anything you should not be so greedy. I already told you that Karma comes out with new stuff all the time. Jeez.

Website
http://www.drinkkarma.com/
Country
United States
Sweetener
Cane Sugar
Categories
Juice, Mix/Concentrate, Water
Rating
3/5
Reviewed By
Mike Literman on June 20th, 2016
Comments
View and Leave A Comment
Buy Now

H2PRO Immune Health Flavorless

H2PRO Immune Health Flavorless

Do I love my guts? I think so. I eat yogurt. That's the epitome of loving and taking care of your guts? I feel like living in Buffalo I do my fair share of loving my guts by eating rotten cheese in the form of bleu cheese. Is that enough? Yogurt and bleu cheese? It's not? I've got to do more?! What kind of time do you think I have? Oh, a packet of stuff I can mix into a bottle of water? Great.

Wait...you said this was flavorless. It tastes the way melting plastic smells. That is quite flavorful, actually. I filled up a sixteen ounce bottle and took three giant chugs to finish it. Now my mouth is cold. It tasted like it was numb when I tasted it. Now it's just strange like I just swished with Stevia. Why would I do that? Swishing with sugar or a sugar-like substitute? Do I hate my teeth? No. I take good care of those puppies like I do, or thought I did, of my guts.

I might be getting stronger or at least more resistant to the outside forces with each sip of this and there are nutritional values like a ton of vitamin C and D but is it worth it? Probably. All that bleu cheese might be clogging my blood vessels and pores.

Website
http://www.h2probiotics.com/
Country
United States
Sweetener
No Sugar Added
Categories
Mix/Concentrate, Sports/Dietary Supplement
Rating
2/5
Reviewed By
Mike Literman on June 8th, 2016
Comments
View and Leave A Comment
Buy Now

Polar Jalepeno Citrus Margarita

Polar Jalepeno Citrus Margarita

Jalapeno: A green pepper that is hot.
Citrus: A zesty, floral flavor that I cannot define without using the word of the fruit it comes from.
Margarita: A sour or citrus based alcoholic drink with tequila and salt as well as a strange classification of pizza.
This: Not really anything mentioned above.

This is spicy but my palate and I cannot decide whether it's the sparkles or jalapeno. It was a lot lighter in citrus than any of the other flavors they have. The margarita...I am not the best judge of what a margarita tastes like as I haven't had a drop of alcohol since 1998. I can tell you that it wasn't salty, though. This was just kind of confusing and weak. I love Polar but this probably took the backseat to whomever invented the allusive "Unicorn Kiss" that will probably be unfindable at this point. Trust me. We've contacted Polar who sent us this and said they don't have any more in stock. What an April Fools prank, taunting us with a fantastical beverage that will never exist again.

Website
http://www.polarbev.com
Country
United States
Sweetener
No Sugar Added
Categories
Sparkling, Water
Rating
3/5
Reviewed By
Mike Literman on May 26th, 2016
Comments
View and Leave A Comment
Buy Now

Steaz Cactus Water With Green Tea

Steaz Cactus Water With Green Tea

I think I speak for all people when I say that prickly pear is a wonderful fruit. Pears blow but add some spikes and thorns and nails and it flips it right around. Make a pear dangerous to eat and it makes it better than its soft, smooth brother. Or cousin. They're related but maybe just through marriage. It counts but barely.

This is wonderful. The green tea isn't powerful but you can taste a little bite. The prickly pear, though, she shines through with beams of light as bright as the G.D. sun. It's a soft flavored drink. Real sugar and a little bit of Stevia come together and really round this little guy out.

This rarely happens, but I finished the drink before I finished writing this review. I'm on the top of the third paragraph and it's gone. I've polished off twelve ounces in like 100 words. This is great. It's not terrible for you, either. At fifty calories per can, I'd easily take a tallboy of this any day of the week. You hear me, Steaz? Tallboys. I'm inventing the demand as I type. Everyone who reads my words is seeing it in my head wondering if it exists. Make it exist. Do the right thing, Steaz. Do the right thing.

Website
http://www.steaz.com/
Country
United States
Sweetener
Cane Sugar
Categories
Water
Rating
4/5
Reviewed By
Mike Literman on May 25th, 2016
Comments
View and Leave A Comment

Sparkling Ice Tea Lemon

Sparkling Ice Tea Lemon

Sparkling tea is a strange bird. We've done a couple of them but for the most part, they're just strange. Iced tea is a staple in my life so when you change it by adding sparkles, you're changing when my body expects.

Is this bad? No. It's not the best drink and it's pretty diet at times but you know what? It couldn't have been that bad because I drank the whole thing. I never made a "gross" face. That counts for them and not against them. You could taste the lemon. That's a point. You only sometimes get the diet taste and it's sucralose. That stuff stinks. Sparkling Ice can sometimes and somehow disguise it.

They keep sending us stuff and we keep drinking it. They're good to us. You know why this relationship works, though? They don't mind a couple mediocre reviews. I've always said that if I could have one drink for the rest of my life it would be unsweet tea. This is my favorite drink sharpened, sweetened, lemoned and on a diet. That's where the minuses come in. It's not bad. It's not for me. I drank the whole thing. It's not for me.

Website
http://www.sparklingice.com/
Country
United States
Sweetener
Sucralose
Categories
Diet, Iced Tea, Sparkling
Rating
3/5
Reviewed By
Mike Literman on May 25th, 2016
Comments
View and Leave A Comment
Buy Now
| 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 |