Mike Literman (1766 reviews)

Mike loves new drinks. He's drank some gross stuff in his day, and this blog is making him drink even more against his will. That being said, he wouldn't trade it in for the world. He loves new beverages and is always, and always will be, on a quest for something new.

FRS Healthy Protein Blackberry Acai

FRS Healthy Protein Blackberry Acai

I often praise Jay. Today will not be that day. Today, I dislike him quite strongly. He gave me this FRS a while back, reviewed the other one and claimed it was great. "Awesome" I said to myself. I didn't want a repeat of my last FRS drink. I threw this in the fridge and actually looked forward to it. Mistake.

This drink is as thick as the day is long. Shall I compare thee to a summer's day? Nope. I'll compare it to the color and viscosity of dog puke. That odd, off-yellow, creamy-ness. It doesn't have any dog food in it, which I guess I should be thankful for. This is just vile. It smells alright but between the texture and the odd, protein-rich flavor, and the fact that acai should not be made for public consumption regardless of it's antioxidant qualities, this drink is, well, undrinkable.

Sorry Jay, but you can't win them all. You lost your shirt on this one and you might lose another because if I throw up, I'm using whatever you have on as my target.

Website
http://www.frs.com/
Country
United States
Sweetener
Organic Sugar
Categories
Sports/Dietary Supplement
Rating
1/5
Reviewed By
Mike Literman on August 31st, 2012
Comments
View and Leave A Comment
Buy Now
FRS Healthy Protein, Blackberry Acai, 12-Fluid Ounce (Pack of 12)

Tropicana 100% Juice Grapefruit

Tropicana 100% Juice Grapefruit

Holy crap I feel like I am going to puke. This drink...jeez louise. Just vomit. Gaaah. I can sum this drink up in a lovely simile. Did you, like me grow up biting your fingernails? Did your parents buy you that stuff that you put on your fingernails that made them taste disgusting? This is what that tastes like. Absurdly bitter. Oh it smells inviting but one sip and you are on the fast track to Hurlburg. Please add sugar to this next time. I honestly can't see anyone liking this. I appreciate 100% Juice when it's a good fruit at 100%. Grapefruit juice at 100% sucks.

Website
http://www.tropicana.com/
Country
United States
Sweetener
No Sugar Added
Categories
Juice
Rating
1/5
Reviewed By
Mike Literman on November 5th, 2012
Comments
View and Leave A Comment

Hung Fook Tong Imperatae Cane Drink

Hung Fook Tong Imperatae Cane Drink

Is it possible to strain a liquid through a liquid? I suppose it would be. If you wanted to strain water through an oil, that would work. It's a matter of volume and separation. You may have to go through some sort of skimming process to take a layer off, but that works.

This drink, which sucks, tastes like you strained sweet tea through soup; iced tea through all the corn, peas, carrots, broth and the like. I gave this drink to our new employee slash my new coworker and she knocked it out of the park. I made her just smell it and she said that it smelled like water chestnuts and me, hating water chestnuts, am not too familiar with the scent. Number two ingredient after water? You guessed it, new girl: water chestnuts.
You're re-hired™. Take that, Donald Trump. I've coined my own phrase that people have been using for years and called it my own.

Website
http://www.hungfooktong.com/tc/
Country
China
Sweetener
Sugar Cane
Categories
Iced Tea
Rating
1/5
Reviewed By
Mike Literman on March 4th, 2013
Comments
View and Leave A Comment
Buy Now
Imperatae Cane Drink - 16.9oz [3 units] by Hung Fook Tong.

Suavva Cacao Juice Smoothie Original

Suavva Cacao Juice Smoothie Original

I'm so glad that you could join me for lunch, Charles. It's been too long. I'm sorry we had to meet like this, at a shopping mall food court to eat Sbarro's but we are two busy men that rarely have time for leisure like this. Yes, you and I have made quite a name for ourselves, what with me owning a successful underwear line and you being the impresario of subway covers. We still manage to stay fit and trim and this is our treat to ourselves: A nice slice of pizza from Sbarro's.

Wait...what's this about? This doesn't taste like the Sbarro's that I used to know and love. Remember when we used to go to the mall as kids in Queens and eat Sbarro's and it was the best? This pizza tastes like the box it came in. So disappointing. Good thing we've got these garlic knots to cancel out that blem. I also bought us some smoothies from that New Age shop next to the pet store but before the RV dealership. I don't know what happened to this mall. There is like a Claire's in here and almost nothing else. I swear that at one point there was a Saturn car dealership in here. So, as I was saying I bought us some cacao smoothies. I've had cacao before and it's like a bean than makes chocolate.

Ugh. Now what the heck is this about? Charles, I'm sorry but this is turning out to be the worst lunch I've ever had. This too tastes like the bottle it came in. What is happening? Why does everything taste like the receptacle that it came in? It tastes nothing like chocolate and is like a smooth, gooey mess. It also smells like paint.

Charles, I cannot apologize to you enough. If we could do this again sometime, please, you pick the place. This was a disaster. I love seeing you, but not like this. I hope that the sewer cover business is going well for you. It has to be better than this lunch.

Website
http://www.suavva.com
Country
United States
Sweetener
Agave Nectar
Categories
Smoothie
Rating
1/5
Reviewed By
Mike Literman on March 15th, 2013
Comments
View and Leave A Comment

Jones Soda Turkey and Gravy

Jones Soda Turkey and Gravy

Ahh, a bottle of vintage. I'll never forget those days, going to the grandparent's farmhouse during the hot summer months. Working with grandpa bailing hay, cutting dozens of acres of lawn, milking cows, and putting shoes on horses. The later was for fun. It wasn't actual horseshoes. It was my sister's shoes that she brought in case there was some sort of ho down at the town square that she needed to get all gussied up for. Imagine a pony wearing mid-sized heels. It's a treat to see. After a nice, moderate ten hour work day with pappy, he and I would go inside and talk about things like Bill Clinton, Atari, segregation in schools, apples, and the like. We would discuss these topical issues over a nice bowl of turkey caramels until it was time to go to sleep. Ahh those caramels. Nothing is quite as refreshing as sugar free turkey caramels. It just hits the spot after you have a nice turkey dinner with mashed potatoes and peas. You know how awful it is to eat a meal and then wash it down with something that doesn't taste like what you just ate. Oh, I hate it. If I just ate a hamburger, I wish there were some sort of hamburger ice cream that I could eat to keep my palate just where it was.



Pappy, if you're reading this, I don't miss those days and although my friends say that I was missing my youth, I thought that there is only one way to have such course, calloused hands and strong work ethic at ten. Those kids that were spending their youth playing football, having sleepovers, listening to pop music; those kids are soft. We, you and I, we are strong independent men who can take care of ourselves with the lay of the land. Animals? I'll milk 'em all of the day. We're men, pappy. All because of our talks and those delicious salty turkey caramel filled nights.

Website
http://www.jonessoda.com
Country
United States
Sweetener
Sucralose
Categories
Other/Weird, Soda Pop
Rating
1/5
Reviewed By
Mike Literman on June 9th, 2013
Comments
View and Leave A Comment
Buy Now
Jones Soday Holiday Soda 5- Pack (2005)

Suavva Cacao Juice Smoothie Orange

Suavva Cacao Juice Smoothie Orange

Orange and gross. If you speed drink this, it might taste good. It does have a good initial orange juice taste but as soon as the orange goes down your gullet, it is promptly shoved, quite rudely out of the way, by a bitter taste. Do not for a split second think that this cacao has anything to do with chocolate because if it tasted like one of those fantastic orange chocolate balls, I would order a case of this. That is absolutely not the case and is actually the polar opposite.

You end up racing against that nondescript putrid taste by drinking and it's just an endless race. I checked the expiration date multiple times because I thought it had gone bad. Why wouldn't you just buy orange juice? That's all you want out of this drink is for it to taste like orange juice. The other stuff you can leave behind regardless of its healthy goodness. Eat a salad. Leave this on the shelf.

Website
http://www.suavva.com
Country
United States
Sweetener
No Sugar Added
Categories
Smoothie
Rating
1/5
Reviewed By
Mike Literman on August 20th, 2013
Comments
View and Leave A Comment

Lester's Fixins Peanut Butter & Jelly

Lester's Fixins Peanut Butter & Jelly

I walked into the beer merchant in my city knowing full well that they have a decent selection of non-alcoholic drinks. Someone mentioned to me previously that they had the Lester's Fixins chicken wing pop but they didn't tell me that they had a couple different ones there. I thought, you know what? I'm going to share this with my good friend Lauren and maybe some kids. I'll get something kid friendly and perhaps more interesting. Welp, I'm the fool because this was completely and utterly disgusting.

Travel back in time to when you were around four and your parents bought you a new cooking set with fake food in it. Remember when you could get plastic food that actually smelled vaguely like what it was supposed to be? Well be a four year old idiot and make and eat a plastic piece of jelly and you've got this drink. It tasted like melon flavored plastic, nothing like what it should have tasted like. No peanut butter, and not strawberry or grape jelly either. Oh you know that old American lunch staple of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with no peanut butter and melon jelly served in and around a plastic plate that you just eat the whole thing of like this is your first time eating a piece of Cinn-a-burst gum and you heard you can eat the wrapper, too. Exception being that Cinn-a-burst was fantastic gum and this pop sucked more than my fantastic Dyson vacuum and that thing truly never clogs. It just keeps sucking just like this crappy pop.

Website
http://www.lestersfixins.com/
Country
United States
Sweetener
Cane Sugar
Categories
Soda Pop
Rating
1/5
Reviewed By
Mike Literman on August 31st, 2013
Comments
View and Leave A Comment
Buy Now
Peanut Butter & Jelly Soda

Robinson's Fruit Shoot Apple

Robinson's Fruit Shoot Apple

Oh look, a lantern. It would be awesome if this was a...woah, it is a magic lantern. What's up, genie? Herb? Your name is Herb? Cool. I thought it would be something more, I don't know, majestic, but Herb is fine. Oh, oh, really? I get three wishes? This is awesome. I wish it were brighter in here so I could get around. I don't know how I got to this section of the castle. I was just checking my text messages and emails and walking aimlessly and ended up here. Oh...what the...that was a wish? I guess I did say, "I wish it was brighter." That one is on me, herb.

You know what? I'm thirsty. Could I have something to drink? No, what kind of a genie, oh, I get it. "I wish I could get something to drink. Woah. Do you have unlimited glitter? That's pretty cool. You'd be a hit in an art school. People would lay down some lines of glue and then all the kids would say, "I wish we had glitter!" and you would do your magic and art would happen.

Oh, you know what? I don't drink alcohol. Could I swap this with a non-alcoholic drink? What? I have to wish it? I have to say, "I wish this was non-alcoholic" for you to do it. That's...no...wait...come on! I just blew three wishes on light and one drink that I didn't want and one that I did want? This better be one heck of a drink, Herb. Ugh, what is this? You just took the alcohol out and left whatever else was in there? This is really bad. It's got a split second of candy sour apple and then it's just overwhelmingly terrible almost alcoholic tasting. It's kind of bitter like they might have used bad apples. Herb. Did you poison me? You didn't? Man, I wish you did. Wait...no!!!! Oh, I wasted my wishes. Now I'm kind of glad I wasted those because I would have just killed myself. Suicide by genie. That would be something. Thanks, Herb. Can you tell me how to get out of this castle? No? Alright, Herb. Thanks, I guess.

Website
http://www.fruitshootusa.com/
Country
Ireland
Sweetener
Sucralose
Categories
Diet, Juice
Rating
1/5
Reviewed By
Mike Literman on September 5th, 2013
Comments
View and Leave A Comment

Big Shot Pineapple

Big Shot Pineapple

New Orleans, I would one day like to be inside of you. The love for Cajun spiced food runs deep in my veins. I also hear that you make fantastic sweet tea. You know what you don't make well? Pineapple pop. This, without any sort of hesitation, is the worst pineapple pop I have ever had. I think I know why you don't make good pineapple pop. It's because you don't know anything about pineapples.

Look, I'm from New York. What do we know about pineapple? Nothing. You can say that right back at me and I have to agree with you. We are in this together, The South.

Now that you know that we know about each other's strong suits, I'm really going to hammer it home. This is awful. It is a dense, thick, syrupy abomination of a drink. I don't know how this left the test bed. It's so bad. Maybe it's the tester's fault. Perhaps all that Cajun spice has dulled your taste buds like when you stupidly use a knife to cut things like rocks and stuff. Dull. Flat. Terrible. Your spices and your crawdads? You've got that nailed, buddy. This though, leave it in the dust. It blows.

Website
http://www.nolacajun.com/Big-Shot-Soda_p_13.html
Country
United States
Sweetener
High Fructose Corn Syrup
Categories
Soda Pop
Rating
1/5
Reviewed By
Mike Literman on September 23rd, 2013
Comments
View and Leave A Comment

Biliner Premium Mineral Water

Biliner Premium Mineral Water

Mark Smits was a famous actor. He rose to stardom after a series of romantic comedies and after that, his stardom just kept rising. He quickly saw the danger in being so famous and influential. People were doing things like carving their names in their arms, getting tattoos of his perfect face on their bodies, and dressing like him at comic book conventions. His friends started to notice it and made him do things to see just how far people would go "in his honor." They would do things like have him go up to people in the streets and say that he'll give them a hug if they grab strangers butts and they would do it without hesitation. He made people get "MARK SMIT" tattood on their knuckles with the leftover "S" on their thumb and a peace sign on the other thumb and people did it and smiled the whole way. To step it up a notch, his friends dared him to start a company with the premise of people buying anything he endorses. The challenge was on.

Mark bought a thousand bottles, went down to the point in city where the trucks dumped all the snow and just filled up the bottles with salty, dirty, melted snow water. People cringed a bit when they drank it but since Mark said that it was cool, so did everyone else. He decided he did not like what he had become and quit acting all together. He decided to take his million of dollars and invest it wisely and spend the rest on doing good in cities around the country. It would all come full circle when he was working across the country at a soup kitchen and a case of his salty snow water came in and the homeless people recognized him from the campaign and made him sign bottles of it. Mark would never be able to escape his unfortunately uber-successful past.

Website
http://biliner.com/
Country
United States
Sweetener
No Sugar Added
Categories
Water
Rating
1/5
Reviewed By
Mike Literman on December 3rd, 2013
Comments
View and Leave A Comment
| 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 |