Mike Literman (1691 reviews)

Mike loves new drinks. He's drank some gross stuff in his day, and this blog is making him drink even more against his will. That being said, he wouldn't trade it in for the world. He loves new beverages and is always, and always will be, on a quest for something new.

Monster Energy Gronk

Monster Energy Gronk

You know what we need? A new poster child for a specific demographic. Not since James Dean have we had a person who identifies a people. No we do. Rob Gronkowski is this generation's James Dean. Like it or not, he embodies all that is today's youth. I bet he wears a backwards baseball hat. I bet he fist bumps no less than fourteen times per day. You know what else? I bet he could beat the living tar out of me on his worst day. Rob Gronkowski could have non-stop diarrhea for a week and still whoop me. Rob Gronkowski could have lost a limb in a bar room brawl, be hopped up on painkillers and wear glasses with wildly poor prescriptions and still knock my block off.

That being said, his drink might be the best Monster I've had. Yeah, it tastes like what fruit would taste like if you wrapped it in quotes and was made exclusively from chemicals but hey, as far as taste is concerned, it's the best that Monster has to offer. Could I drink a whole bottle? No sir or ma'am. Could Rob Gronkowski drink one? Rob Gronkowski probably adds it to his Trix instead of milk. Rob Gronkowski probably wears it as cologne and pulls down more in one night than I have my entire life.

Rob Gronkowski. King among bro-men.

Website
http://www.monsterenergy.com
Country
United States
Sweetener
Sugar
Categories
Energy Drink
Rating
3/5
Reviewed By
Mike Literman on May 23rd, 2016
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Starbucks Doubleshot Mexican Mocha

Starbucks Doubleshot Mexican Mocha

Oh the high hopes I had for this. Mexican mocha? Really? A nice, chocolate cinnamon coffee drink? Well if that's what you expect, you will most certainly be disappointed. It might be coffee, alright. Might. This only has a hint of almost every ingredient but cream. It tastes like creamy sugar with coffee and cinnamon essence. It's strangely thick.

I didn't like it. There I said it. It tastes like a diet drink and is not a diet drink. It hardly tastes like coffee, which I expect out of a coffee drink and the Mexican part of it is so faint that it almost isn't worth mentioned. Do it or don't do it, Starbucks. You can afford to do either. Small, test batches. Amp up the spice and send a can to me. I'd love to review something polarizing and accurate.

Website
http://www.starbucks.com
Country
United States
Sweetener
Sugar
Categories
Coffee, Energy Drink
Rating
2/5
Reviewed By
Mike Literman on May 16th, 2016
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Uncommon Coffee Roasters Cold Brew Coffee Chocolate Milk

Uncommon Coffee Roasters Cold Brew Coffee Chocolate Milk

Jay drank the straight and loved it. I drank the straight and it was coffee. I don't like coffee too much. Iced coffee has to have some sort of syrup in it for me to deal with it. Chocolate mostly. This, though, this was real coffee with chocolate milk in it and it made a world of difference. Also, I don't know what they added to the beans but man was I jumpy. Jay was jumpy when he drank his. I drank half and was out of my skin, man. It sure did go down smooth, though. Until the jitters, I was prepared to give Uncommon my bank account information to auto debit my account periodically to keep this stuff coming. The jitters turned me off to that notion but it shouldn't you. I don't drink enough coffee to be accustomed to the feeling of caffeine surging through my veins. I don't know if I want to be I'll tell you what I want, more of this. It was delicious.

Website
http://uncommoncoffeeroasters.com/
Country
United States
Sweetener
Sugar
Categories
Coffee
Rating
4/5
Reviewed By
Mike Literman on May 12th, 2016
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Fiz Root Beer

Fiz Root Beer

Roc City (Rochester) makes this and it's good stuff. Cane sugar and a decent root beer. I don't mean "decent" as in it just passes satisfactory, it's good. I drank the whole thing. No sharzies and I share everything. This was all mine and I drank the whole thing. No. I do not want a medal for drinking a whole bottle of pop like everyone else. I'm just illustrating the point that it was so good that I didn't give any to the drain.

It did taste like root beer and did not linger too long. It was a pretty good model of what a root beer should taste like. I bet those Roc City tough guys are pretty proud of themselves for making a very fine root beer.

Website
http://https://www.facebook.com/COLLEGE.CLUB.BEVERAGES/
Country
United States
Sweetener
Cane Sugar
Categories
Root Beer, Soda Pop
Rating
4/5
Reviewed By
Mike Literman on May 12th, 2016
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Cocozia Coconut Water Chocolate

Cocozia Coconut Water Chocolate

Take a walk. Talk a walk on down to Coconut Town, USA where we have the finest in different flavored coconuts. You thought you added flavor to make coconut water taste like raspberries. Boy, you're as dumb as you look. No, son. They grow coconuts in different flavors. Take this tree here. This here tree grows the finest black cherry flavored coconuts you've ever seen. This here tree grows lemon flavored coconuts. That one? You want to know about that one? Well you've got a keen eye because this here is our best seller. This is the allusive chocolate coconut tree. It naturally makes the finest chocolate coconut milk your dry mouth has ever tasted. Let me have one of the boys cut one down for you to sample.

What do you think of it? It's good right? Oh, you don't like it warm? Yeah, it is a bit chalky. Here, let me have the missus get you some from the fridge. Here you go. There you go. It's nice, right? Nice, light coconut flavor and a nice chocolate flavor. No, it's not thick. It's not totally like a chocolate milk. You would think describing something like a "watered down chocolate milk" would be gross but it's not bad. It doesn't have any sort of gross fake sweetener taste and just tastes like what's in it. That's why you're here boy, for the good stuff.

So how many cases can I put you down for, son? None? What do you mean you just want directions to the Holiday Inn Express? You've been down here sampling the goods just to be polite? Well I guess I can't fault you for that. Here's one for the road and if you go down a couple blocks you'll see your hotel on the right just after the third gas station and before the ninth taco stand. You can't miss it.

Website
http://www.cocozia.com
Country
United States
Sweetener
Organic Cane Sugar
Categories
Coconut
Rating
4/5
Reviewed By
Mike Literman on May 5th, 2016
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Wegmans Sparkling Water Black Cherry Vanilla

Wegmans Sparkling Water Black Cherry Vanilla

My favorite Hansen's pop now in a style that is not going to slowly kill me. This black cherry vanilla is my favorite of the sparkling waters. The black cherry is less dark than you would get in a crappy black cherry pop but the vanilla has a chance to shine through and smooth out the edges a bit.

I love it. I wish it came in larger bottles like Polar does. I would be so equal parts hydrated and sparkly. That's what I want. I want to poop sparkles.

Website
http://wegmans.com
Country
United States
Sweetener
No Sugar Added
Categories
Sparkling, Water
Rating
5/5
Reviewed By
Mike Literman on April 25th, 2016
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Claire Baie Naturally Flavored Sparkling Water Beverage With Juice Lemon Lime

Claire Baie Naturally Flavored Sparkling Water Beverage With Juice Lemon Lime

In Claire Baie's most diet move ever, we have this lemon lime drink. This drink comes complete with all of the accommodations that one would desire, such as but not limited to include cup holders, passenger side mirror, AM/FM radio and color matched door handles. It also has the most, but not unbearable diet taste. Finally, the taste that dieteers can understand. I'm sure gaggles of people are just dying for that fake flavor they so crave. The lemon lime is standard lemon lime. Nothing to go crazy about.

As I mentioned, it's not the worst diet drink I've ever had so if you have some sort of brand loyalty towards Claire Baie and are into diet drinks, this is the drink for you. Otherwise, this is as average as an average drink can average.

Website
http://witbeveragecompany.com/wbc-brands-jelly-belly-wbc-gi-chicago-green-river-caruso-legacy-black-
Country
United States
Sweetener
Sucralose
Categories
Diet, Sparkling, Water
Rating
3/5
Reviewed By
Mike Literman on April 25th, 2016
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Dunkin' Donuts Iced Coffee Pistachio

Dunkin' Donuts Iced Coffee Pistachio

My brother is getting married. I am in Arizona and it is hot. Some might call it "a dry heat" but no matter which way you cut it, 87 degrees is hot. My poor, frail, pale Buffalo skin hasn't seen the sun since September so coming off a six month winter as we do most years, I am worried that I am going to burn to a beyond-aloe status.

What do I do when on "vacation?" Well besides eat huevos rancheros, I (apparently) go to Dunkin' Donuts and get new iced coffees because that's what I did tonight. Pistachio, that's what I chose as (I don't think) we have it in Buffalo. How was it? Well it was very light and worried me. It just looked like straight cream and I didn't have any idea what it was going to taste like. It ended up being pretty good, though. It tasted like pistachios, which is saying a lot since I would wager a guess that no actual pistachios have ever touched this mix. It tastes like pistachio ice cream, which I love and wish I had right now. If you're into that, add the essence of coffee and you might have a recipe for success.

Phoenix? We don't know who is going to win this battle but if I were a betting man, I would say that the odds are in your favor. At least I got to cool down for the ten minutes the Dunkin' Donuts was open before they closed at six which I find a little bit early but what do I know? Nothing. I don't live here and I don't know these people. I know nothing.

Website
http://www.dunkindonuts.com
Country
United States
Sweetener
Not Listed
Categories
Coffee
Rating
3/5
Reviewed By
Mike Literman on April 14th, 2016
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Elmhurst Naturals Horchata Cocoa

Elmhurst Naturals Horchata Cocoa

Horchata; One of the strangest things made from rice. I like rice in its natural form. "Juicing rice" seems strange like you just made rice wrong.

This is cocoa flavored horchata but is it any good? It's...OK. It's sweet but not too sweet or not sweet enough. It's just a different sweet. It's a sharp sweet. I had to check multiple times to see if there was any other sweetener besides sugar but there wasn't. It tastes diet but is not diet. I guess what I'm saying is I drank half of this and don't know what I drank. Some connoisseur I am, huh?

Website
http://www.steubenfoods.com/elmhurst-naturals
Country
United States
Sweetener
Sugar
Categories
Other/Weird
Rating
3/5
Reviewed By
Mike Literman on April 8th, 2016
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Tim Horton's Iced Coffee Mocha

Tim Horton's Iced Coffee Mocha

Experience 1: I go to Tim Horton's and order a mocha iced coffee. Lady says, "Do you want cream or sugar?" I respond, "No, thank you." She says, "Do you want it black?" I respond, "I just want it how it comes." She says, "Alright." and gives me one cream and one sugar. I did not like it.

Experience 2: I go to Tim Horton's and order a mocha iced coffee. Lady says, "Do you want cream or sugar?" I respond, "No, thank you." Different lady hands me the coffee and says, "I put more chocolate in it so it's not so bitter." I did not like it.

Tim Horton's. I want what I want and order it as such. If I wanted cream, I would ask for cream. If I wanted sugar, I would ask for sugar. If I wanted an extra shot of mocha, I would ask for an extra shot of mocha. Start listening to me and stop treating your job like a jazz solo and improvising what you think people might want.

Website
http://www.timhortons.com
Country
United States
Sweetener
Not Listed
Categories
Coffee
Rating
2/5
Reviewed By
Mike Literman on April 5th, 2016
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