Mike Literman (1766 reviews)

Mike loves new drinks. He's drank some gross stuff in his day, and this blog is making him drink even more against his will. That being said, he wouldn't trade it in for the world. He loves new beverages and is always, and always will be, on a quest for something new.

Aloha Maid Natural Pineapple Orange

Aloha Maid Natural Pineapple Orange

Pineapple juice? Check. Orange juice? Check. Together? What is a half-check? That's just like a "v," right? This is fine. I'm making jokes about what half a check mark looks like. Ugh, terrible material. Some kid told me I should do comedy at a local bar. I hope he reads this and regrets ever even thinking it, let alone saying it.

This, although not a certified trip to Hawaii, is a decent liquid representation of what I assume Hawaii is. It’s not too bad. It's not as great as Hawaii probably is, though. It's not super pineapple and it's really not "really orange." Together it's an acceptable blend of the two but nothing that should ever be considered an award winning drink. It is pulpless, gutless, and nothing to write home about. Once again, nothing like Hawaii. Just go to Hawaii and eat both of these fruits. It will be better.

Country
United States
Sweetener
Cane Sugar
Categories
Juice
Rating
3/5
Reviewed By
Mike Literman on March 31st, 2014
Comments
View and Leave A Comment

Aloha Maid Natural Guava

Aloha Maid Natural Guava

I don't think I've ever eaten a guava, like a real guava off a tree. Why would I see one of those as they are not indigenous to Buffalo? Sure I could have taken a trip somewhere but I've only been "out West" once and they most certainly don't have Guava in Las Vegas. Do they have them in Florida? I'm going there next month. Maybe I'll make it my task to find one. I don't have anything else to do. When I get it, I'll try and compare it to a drink that I would have drank a month ago at that point. What does it taste like now? Well friend, I'll tell you.

As far as nectars go, this is not the way I like it. I like my nectars with some grip in there. That's right. I like a nice, sandy juice. It just lets me know that things are happening. Grit aside, this is a good juice. It doesn't taste too sweet and is basically just water, sugar and guava so why would it. No fake sweeteners or additives. Just good, old fashioned fruit juice. Give this to your kids. Don't accept any substitutes; only the finest for your little brat.

Country
United States
Sweetener
Cane Sugar
Categories
Juice
Rating
3/5
Reviewed By
Mike Literman on April 10th, 2014
Comments
View and Leave A Comment
Buy Now
Aloha Maid Maid Drink Guava, 11.5-ounces (Pack of 24)

Aloha Maid Natural Lilikoi Passion

Aloha Maid Natural Lilikoi Passion

Can you sign my petition? For what? Can't you read? It's to increase awareness about passion fruit. No, not the passion for fruit. Passion fruit. The fruit called passion fruit. Yeah, I know you've heard of it but people aren't eating it enough. It's not enough places and it's not used enough. Sure you get something here or there but look at mangoes. Those guys are in salsas and dips and ice cream and everything. They're from the same places. You don't think that passion fruit chutney would be as good as mango chutney? That's right you do. So sign this petition. You know what? I thought you'd say that. I thought you would say that you have to try it again. That's what this is all about. Everyone knows what an apple tastes like. I want passion fruit to be the next apple. Here you go. We were sponsored by this Hawaiian company that makes really good passion fruit juice. Here's a cup of it to sample.

What did you think? Good, right? Yeah. What do you like about it. It's sweet, right. Floral, yeah. Yeah, this is a juice and not a nectar, so you're not going to get any of the seeds or grit that you might be used to. It's really good, right. It tastes like a passion fruit. Why didn't I just give you a slice of passion fruit? Well they're hard to find here because supermarkets don't stock them like they should. Our petition requires that supermarkets have at least one case of passion fruits in stock at all times. We hope that this encourages people to buy them, try them, love them, tell their friends, and spread the good word about our friend, the passion fruit.

What do you mean you won't sign it? You liked it, didn't you? Yeah, so why won't you sign it. Really, come on, lady. You're really going to buy a mango smoothie right in front of me like that? I guess it's our fault for holding this rally next to a smoothie stand that doesn't carry passion fruits. You know what, guys? Pack it in. We're done here.

Country
United States
Sweetener
Cane Sugar
Categories
Juice
Rating
3/5
Reviewed By
Mike Literman on May 8th, 2014
Comments
View and Leave A Comment
Buy Now
Aloha Maid Lilikoi Passion Drink, 11.5-Ounce (Pack of 12)

Aloha Maid Natural Apple Iced Tea

Aloha Maid Natural Apple Iced Tea

Darling, you look parched. Allow me to fulfill my boyfriendly duties and get you something to drink.

Man, there is nothing to drink in here. It's like a college kids fridge in here. How many ketchups and mustards do you need? Cripes. This milk expired two weeks ago. I don't even now what there is in here besides new beer and old spaghetti and pizza. Alright, what do we have here. Oh, alright. Apple juice. Let me grab a cup here...all absolutely filthy. Now I've got to wash a cup. This is turning into quite a tall order. Oh...oh fantastic. There is enough for half a glass. I can't give her this. What else is in this kitchen. Oh! Iced tea mix. Awesome. I'll just mix half a glass of that in here and have a special little treat.

Here you go, honey. I did the best I could because you are the best I could ask for. What do you mean you don't like it? Let me try it. Yeah, it tastes just like this stuff I drank when I went on vacation with an old girlfriend to Hawaii called Aloha Apple Iced Tea. It's just apple juice and iced tea. You really don't like it? It's better than the PBR's you've got in the fridge. Jesus, Cathy. You're thirty four and your fridge looks like you're a poor undergrad. I had nothing to pick from and I didn't think that ten thirty while watching The View was a good time to crack a cold one. I was wrong? You know what, Cathy? I, too, don't think that this is working out. Give me that glass. I put too much work into this for you to not appreciate it. This drink is like a mirror for this relationship. Enjoy your toga parties, O.A.R. shows, and keg stands. Oh, and I don't think that it's attractive that you walk around all the time without shoes and socks. I think that it's disgusting and when you touch your dirty feet against me at bed I've never felt so dirty in my entire life.

Country
United States
Sweetener
Cane Sugar
Categories
Iced Tea
Rating
3/5
Reviewed By
Mike Literman on May 16th, 2014
Comments
View and Leave A Comment
Buy Now
Aloha Maid Natural Iced Tea, Apple, 11.5 Ounce (Pack of 24)

Aloic Organic Original

Aloic Organic Original

Summer is depressingly over. If you live where I live, you can essentially kiss the sun goodbye (great album name that is available with credit given to me) for the next six months. These are things we deal with on the East Coast. Oh it's bright and you still need sunglasses but you can't see the sun and need twelve jackets to fight the ice age that is northeast winters. It's fine. It's really no big deal.

Why do I bring up the sun and a paragraph of nothing before I review a drink? Well for two reasons mostly. Number one is that I'm trying to create a picture and a scene and number two is that we are terrible at writing drink reviews. You can't really say otherwise and if you do, well, thanks. You're too kind. Wrong, but kind. We're narrative masterminds but we are not product reviews.

So aloe is used to cure us from the sun's lashings upon our fair skin. Human skin was made for holding in our muscles, guts, and organs. "Guts" might be slang for organs so I might have just said the same thing twice but I didn't want to leave anyone out. Now that the sun isn't out we can't get burnt, the role of aloe turns from topical to internal usage. That's right. Aloe drinks are winter drinks to prep our skin from the inside out to prepare it for the emergence of the sun come April. What better way to do it that with the help of Aloic? It's not overly sweet, still has a ton of chunks, and that grapy taste that anyone who likes grape juice or has drank an aloe drink in the past loves. The sweetness part is the item that gets my love. That is a problem I have with a lot of aloe drinks is that they are too sweet. Good, but too sweet. This solves that problem in a delicious, chunky way.

I can feel my skin tightening and toughening up as I drink this. Every sip is one more day I don't have to wear sunscreen, a safari hat, and pants in the summer to protect me from that jerk sun. I appreciate all that you do what with annually burning my lawn and killing my flowers with your relentless rays, but sometimes you can be a real turd. Just tone it down a little bit. Go hide behind the clouds and read a nudie mag or something so we can stop fertilizing and melting.

Website
http://www.aloic.com
Country
United States
Sweetener
Organic Cane Sugar
Categories
Aloe Vera, Chunky
Rating
4/5
Reviewed By
Mike Literman on October 19th, 2012
Comments
View and Leave A Comment
Buy Now
ALOIC Organic Aloe Vera Drink with Pulp Preservative Free - 16.9 oz - Liquid (Pack of 20)

Americana Honey Cream

Americana Honey Cream

I'm feeling stressed. I need to calm down. There is too much going on. I've got to slow down and worry less. I have to stop being so critical. I have to take a breath. I have to breathe. Breathe. In and out. Do it. Do it again. In and out. Alright...I'm OK. I need a drink. What've we got here? Cream soda? That's as smooth as I want to be. Let's have at that.

Hmm. Not too bad. What is this? Oh. Honey cream. Cool. Take a sip here...I read that, right? Honey cream. Alright. Round two. Perhaps the cream of it all is overshadowing the honey because I can hardly taste it. It's good cream soda but it's not great honey cream soda. I wish that it were. Let's...yeah...let's go in for round three. Why not? I can do what I want in these fifteen minutes of pleasure I have for myself. Not a lot of honey going on at all. Good cream. Poor honey.

Welp, there goes my fifteen minutes. It comes and it goes every day like the blink of an eye. Back to work. Back to the grind. Back to my thirties being a blur of clichès and redundancies. Such is life I suppose.

Website
http://orcabeverage.com
Country
United States
Sweetener
Cane Sugar
Categories
Soda Pop
Rating
4/5
Reviewed By
Mike Literman on April 30th, 2014
Comments
View and Leave A Comment
Buy Now
(Vintage) Americana Honey Vanilla Cream 12 pack

Amp Boost Grape

Amp Boost Grape

Energy drinks are a dime a dozen. There is one vat of that crud that all of the other energy drink companies suckle off of like a mama pig and her lil' piglets. They take the same stuff, add one ingredient, put it in a can with their logo on it, and sell it as their own stuff. Someone, probably a secret conglomerate company, is making a killing off of these little guys, but not Amp. They decided to take their business elsewhere. They are the rebels, the vigilantes. They do things their own way. They somehow managed to create an energy drink that doesn't taste like an energy drink. If you drank this and didn't know it was an energy drink, you would wonder why a half hour later you were bouncing off the walls.

This drink just tastes like grape pop. If you like grape pop and need a pick-me-up, this is it. It doesn't taste too syrupy regardless of the corn syrup. It just tastes like grape pop. Did I say that? It's just grape pop, in case I didn't.

There is an entire new line of these and now I'm not as disinterested in reviewing them because they don't taste like what "the man" thinks an energy drink should taste like. All of a sudden, Amp is like a cool dude that just came to your high school who might be 25, has a full beard, and somehow rides a motorcycle and keeps his hair looking sharp. How does he do it? You'll never know. You'll never be as cool as him and man, is that bike loud. The teachers hate it but even they think he's cool.

Website
http://www.ampenergy.com
Country
United States
Sweetener
High Fructose Corn Syrup
Categories
Energy Drink
Rating
4/5
Reviewed By
Mike Literman on July 12th, 2012
Comments
View and Leave A Comment

Amy & Brian All Natural Coconut Juice with Pulp

Amy & Brian All Natural Coconut Juice with Pulp

Amy and Brian, lovers, loved coconuts. They would go out a couple times a week for dessert and always get a sundae with shaved coconuts on it. Their favorite candy bars were Mounds and Almond Joy in that order. Their favorite place to visit on vacation was somewhere tropical that they could get coconuts right off the tree. They loved the stuff.

They went to the Maldives on their honeymoon just to indulge in coconut fare. They went out the first night they were there and were served a drink that was on the menu simply as "coconut juice with pulp." How could they resist? They could not. They each got a large glass of it and when it came, their eyes lit up. It was coconut water with little chunks of coconut in it. Small chunks, like someone did a poor job straining, not that Amy or Brian were complaining. It had a bit of a natural sweetness that often times comes from coconut water and the chunks just made it more fun than a standard glass of coconut water.

Amy and Brian were in love with each other and this drink. They knew that this was a step in the right direction for their honeymoon and their future lives together. All it took was a little pulp.

Website
http://amyandbriannaturals.com/
Country
Thailand
Sweetener
No Sugar Added
Categories
Chunky, Coconut
Rating
3/5
Reviewed By
Mike Literman on December 31st, 2013
Comments
View and Leave A Comment
Buy Now
Amy & Brian Natural Coconut Juice with Pulp, 17.5 - Ounce Tins (Pack of 12)

Angeleno Agua Fresca Mango

Angeleno Agua Fresca Mango

Oh Hansen's. You have done it again. You've conquered pop and now you have done nothing short of it with this juice. You've even cleverly disguised it as some sort of very Spanish drink with the fonts and colors and sun stuff. You've got it all under control. Oh, how is the taste? You nailed it. I'm telling you. If I didn't not like mango for the texture, I would easily have been converted. This is sweetened with cane sugar so it leaves me with a clean mango taste that doesn't taste candied or fake at all. It's quite refreshing to boot. I have read that mango is originally from India and the East but I think if the people who first tasted them tasted this, they would wonder a couple things. One would be what witchcraft you used to get their fruit in your bottle. The other would be that it tastes very good and then a whole rip in the fabric of time would happen and we would all never have mango. Please, for Jay more so than I. Do not go back in time and give bottles of this to the original harvesters of mango so that we may enjoy mango today.

Website
http://www.hansens.com/us/en/products/juice/aguas-frescas/
Country
United States
Sweetener
Cane Sugar
Categories
Juice
Rating
4/5
Reviewed By
Mike Literman on February 17th, 2014
Comments
View and Leave A Comment

Angels Aphroenergy Original

Angels Aphroenergy Original

Woo. Where to start, where to start? From the start? Let's go there. Imagine a fully bearded man in his workshop. Now cover his entire body in a thin layer of sawdust. He's working on a pinewood derby car. It's not quiet, though. Oh no. It's laden with the sound of vacuums, dremels, drill and Howard Jones' "Dream Into Action" on the stereo. A man gets thirsty. When the only thing that is in the fridge is an aphrodisiac energy drink, who cares? That's what you will drink. That's what I did drink. I did not think that it would have done to me what it did.

Here is the back-story of the day for me, diet-wise. I had a bowl of cereal around nine and it is now around three and I have an empty stomach. Whatever. I do what I want. I grabbed that drink and slammed it. It was great, too. It was slightly fruity, slightly carbonated with just a touch of that "energy drink" taste. Enough that it was still good. Comparable to the new Red Bull drinks, if you've had those. This was good. Promptly, two things happened, though. At the snap of fingers, the caffeine started to course through me like all my blood was replaced with it. In addition to that I got that thirty-six hour flu that everyone got. So I've got awkward dizziness and nonstop shaking due to drinking an energy drink on an empty stomach. I was like that the rest of the day. Virtually out of commission. I couldn't get to sleep until about four in the morning. I just lay there watching the hands cruise through the clock.

Now if that was that than that would be that, but it wasn't. One more thing and this might have been psychosomatic but it's worth mentioning if only for it's humor. The day I drank this, I could have filled up the boner quota of a ninth grade boy. It's absolutely humiliating but they would come and go like waves on the shoreline. I mention this because if it was supposed to do this, holy crap did it work. I felt like I should have had an English textbook to cover my genitals with throughout the day.

Two incredible images wrapped into one review of a fantastic energy drink. If you are too tired to get it on with your significant other, drink this. Just make sure to eat some food first.

Website
http://www.drinkangels.com/
Country
United States
Sweetener
Sugar
Categories
Energy Drink
Rating
4/5
Reviewed By
Mike Literman on January 23rd, 2013
Comments
View and Leave A Comment
Buy Now
ANGELS APHROENERGY® Aphrodisiac and Energy Beverage, 8.4 Ounce Can (Pack of 10)
| 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 |