Mike Literman (1714 reviews)

Mike loves new drinks. He's drank some gross stuff in his day, and this blog is making him drink even more against his will. That being said, he wouldn't trade it in for the world. He loves new beverages and is always, and always will be, on a quest for something new.

Polar Jalepeno Citrus Margarita

Polar Jalepeno Citrus Margarita

Jalapeno: A green pepper that is hot.
Citrus: A zesty, floral flavor that I cannot define without using the word of the fruit it comes from.
Margarita: A sour or citrus based alcoholic drink with tequila and salt as well as a strange classification of pizza.
This: Not really anything mentioned above.

This is spicy but my palate and I cannot decide whether it's the sparkles or jalapeno. It was a lot lighter in citrus than any of the other flavors they have. The margarita...I am not the best judge of what a margarita tastes like as I haven't had a drop of alcohol since 1998. I can tell you that it wasn't salty, though. This was just kind of confusing and weak. I love Polar but this probably took the backseat to whomever invented the allusive "Unicorn Kiss" that will probably be unfindable at this point. Trust me. We've contacted Polar who sent us this and said they don't have any more in stock. What an April Fools prank, taunting us with a fantastical beverage that will never exist again.

Website
http://www.polarbev.com
Country
United States
Sweetener
No Sugar Added
Categories
Sparkling, Water
Rating
3/5
Reviewed By
Mike Literman on May 26th, 2016
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Steaz Cactus Water With Green Tea

Steaz Cactus Water With Green Tea

I think I speak for all people when I say that prickly pear is a wonderful fruit. Pears blow but add some spikes and thorns and nails and it flips it right around. Make a pear dangerous to eat and it makes it better than its soft, smooth brother. Or cousin. They're related but maybe just through marriage. It counts but barely.

This is wonderful. The green tea isn't powerful but you can taste a little bite. The prickly pear, though, she shines through with beams of light as bright as the G.D. sun. It's a soft flavored drink. Real sugar and a little bit of Stevia come together and really round this little guy out.

This rarely happens, but I finished the drink before I finished writing this review. I'm on the top of the third paragraph and it's gone. I've polished off twelve ounces in like 100 words. This is great. It's not terrible for you, either. At fifty calories per can, I'd easily take a tallboy of this any day of the week. You hear me, Steaz? Tallboys. I'm inventing the demand as I type. Everyone who reads my words is seeing it in my head wondering if it exists. Make it exist. Do the right thing, Steaz. Do the right thing.

Website
http://www.steaz.com/
Country
United States
Sweetener
Cane Sugar
Categories
Water
Rating
4/5
Reviewed By
Mike Literman on May 25th, 2016
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Sparkling Ice Tea Lemon

Sparkling Ice Tea Lemon

Sparkling tea is a strange bird. We've done a couple of them but for the most part, they're just strange. Iced tea is a staple in my life so when you change it by adding sparkles, you're changing when my body expects.

Is this bad? No. It's not the best drink and it's pretty diet at times but you know what? It couldn't have been that bad because I drank the whole thing. I never made a "gross" face. That counts for them and not against them. You could taste the lemon. That's a point. You only sometimes get the diet taste and it's sucralose. That stuff stinks. Sparkling Ice can sometimes and somehow disguise it.

They keep sending us stuff and we keep drinking it. They're good to us. You know why this relationship works, though? They don't mind a couple mediocre reviews. I've always said that if I could have one drink for the rest of my life it would be unsweet tea. This is my favorite drink sharpened, sweetened, lemoned and on a diet. That's where the minuses come in. It's not bad. It's not for me. I drank the whole thing. It's not for me.

Website
http://www.sparklingice.com/
Country
United States
Sweetener
Sucralose
Categories
Diet, Iced Tea, Sparkling
Rating
3/5
Reviewed By
Mike Literman on May 25th, 2016
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Monster Energy Gronk

Monster Energy Gronk

You know what we need? A new poster child for a specific demographic. Not since James Dean have we had a person who identifies a people. No we do. Rob Gronkowski is this generation's James Dean. Like it or not, he embodies all that is today's youth. I bet he wears a backwards baseball hat. I bet he fist bumps no less than fourteen times per day. You know what else? I bet he could beat the living tar out of me on his worst day. Rob Gronkowski could have non-stop diarrhea for a week and still whoop me. Rob Gronkowski could have lost a limb in a bar room brawl, be hopped up on painkillers and wear glasses with wildly poor prescriptions and still knock my block off.

That being said, his drink might be the best Monster I've had. Yeah, it tastes like what fruit would taste like if you wrapped it in quotes and was made exclusively from chemicals but hey, as far as taste is concerned, it's the best that Monster has to offer. Could I drink a whole bottle? No sir or ma'am. Could Rob Gronkowski drink one? Rob Gronkowski probably adds it to his Trix instead of milk. Rob Gronkowski probably wears it as cologne and pulls down more in one night than I have my entire life.

Rob Gronkowski. King among bro-men.

Website
http://www.monsterenergy.com
Country
United States
Sweetener
Sugar
Categories
Energy Drink
Rating
3/5
Reviewed By
Mike Literman on May 23rd, 2016
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Starbucks Doubleshot Mexican Mocha

Starbucks Doubleshot Mexican Mocha

Oh the high hopes I had for this. Mexican mocha? Really? A nice, chocolate cinnamon coffee drink? Well if that's what you expect, you will most certainly be disappointed. It might be coffee, alright. Might. This only has a hint of almost every ingredient but cream. It tastes like creamy sugar with coffee and cinnamon essence. It's strangely thick.

I didn't like it. There I said it. It tastes like a diet drink and is not a diet drink. It hardly tastes like coffee, which I expect out of a coffee drink and the Mexican part of it is so faint that it almost isn't worth mentioned. Do it or don't do it, Starbucks. You can afford to do either. Small, test batches. Amp up the spice and send a can to me. I'd love to review something polarizing and accurate.

Website
http://www.starbucks.com
Country
United States
Sweetener
Sugar
Categories
Coffee, Energy Drink
Rating
2/5
Reviewed By
Mike Literman on May 16th, 2016
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Uncommon Coffee Roasters Cold Brew Coffee Chocolate Milk

Uncommon Coffee Roasters Cold Brew Coffee Chocolate Milk

Jay drank the straight and loved it. I drank the straight and it was coffee. I don't like coffee too much. Iced coffee has to have some sort of syrup in it for me to deal with it. Chocolate mostly. This, though, this was real coffee with chocolate milk in it and it made a world of difference. Also, I don't know what they added to the beans but man was I jumpy. Jay was jumpy when he drank his. I drank half and was out of my skin, man. It sure did go down smooth, though. Until the jitters, I was prepared to give Uncommon my bank account information to auto debit my account periodically to keep this stuff coming. The jitters turned me off to that notion but it shouldn't you. I don't drink enough coffee to be accustomed to the feeling of caffeine surging through my veins. I don't know if I want to be I'll tell you what I want, more of this. It was delicious.

Website
http://uncommoncoffeeroasters.com/
Country
United States
Sweetener
Sugar
Categories
Coffee
Rating
4/5
Reviewed By
Mike Literman on May 12th, 2016
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Fiz Root Beer

Fiz Root Beer

Roc City (Rochester) makes this and it's good stuff. Cane sugar and a decent root beer. I don't mean "decent" as in it just passes satisfactory, it's good. I drank the whole thing. No sharzies and I share everything. This was all mine and I drank the whole thing. No. I do not want a medal for drinking a whole bottle of pop like everyone else. I'm just illustrating the point that it was so good that I didn't give any to the drain.

It did taste like root beer and did not linger too long. It was a pretty good model of what a root beer should taste like. I bet those Roc City tough guys are pretty proud of themselves for making a very fine root beer.

Website
http://https://www.facebook.com/COLLEGE.CLUB.BEVERAGES/
Country
United States
Sweetener
Cane Sugar
Categories
Root Beer, Soda Pop
Rating
4/5
Reviewed By
Mike Literman on May 12th, 2016
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Cocozia Coconut Water Chocolate

Cocozia Coconut Water Chocolate

Take a walk. Talk a walk on down to Coconut Town, USA where we have the finest in different flavored coconuts. You thought you added flavor to make coconut water taste like raspberries. Boy, you're as dumb as you look. No, son. They grow coconuts in different flavors. Take this tree here. This here tree grows the finest black cherry flavored coconuts you've ever seen. This here tree grows lemon flavored coconuts. That one? You want to know about that one? Well you've got a keen eye because this here is our best seller. This is the allusive chocolate coconut tree. It naturally makes the finest chocolate coconut milk your dry mouth has ever tasted. Let me have one of the boys cut one down for you to sample.

What do you think of it? It's good right? Oh, you don't like it warm? Yeah, it is a bit chalky. Here, let me have the missus get you some from the fridge. Here you go. There you go. It's nice, right? Nice, light coconut flavor and a nice chocolate flavor. No, it's not thick. It's not totally like a chocolate milk. You would think describing something like a "watered down chocolate milk" would be gross but it's not bad. It doesn't have any sort of gross fake sweetener taste and just tastes like what's in it. That's why you're here boy, for the good stuff.

So how many cases can I put you down for, son? None? What do you mean you just want directions to the Holiday Inn Express? You've been down here sampling the goods just to be polite? Well I guess I can't fault you for that. Here's one for the road and if you go down a couple blocks you'll see your hotel on the right just after the third gas station and before the ninth taco stand. You can't miss it.

Website
http://www.cocozia.com
Country
United States
Sweetener
Organic Cane Sugar
Categories
Coconut
Rating
4/5
Reviewed By
Mike Literman on May 5th, 2016
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Wegmans Sparkling Water Black Cherry Vanilla

Wegmans Sparkling Water Black Cherry Vanilla

My favorite Hansen's pop now in a style that is not going to slowly kill me. This black cherry vanilla is my favorite of the sparkling waters. The black cherry is less dark than you would get in a crappy black cherry pop but the vanilla has a chance to shine through and smooth out the edges a bit.

I love it. I wish it came in larger bottles like Polar does. I would be so equal parts hydrated and sparkly. That's what I want. I want to poop sparkles.

Website
http://wegmans.com
Country
United States
Sweetener
No Sugar Added
Categories
Sparkling, Water
Rating
5/5
Reviewed By
Mike Literman on April 25th, 2016
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Claire Baie Naturally Flavored Sparkling Water Beverage With Juice Lemon Lime

Claire Baie Naturally Flavored Sparkling Water Beverage With Juice Lemon Lime

In Claire Baie's most diet move ever, we have this lemon lime drink. This drink comes complete with all of the accommodations that one would desire, such as but not limited to include cup holders, passenger side mirror, AM/FM radio and color matched door handles. It also has the most, but not unbearable diet taste. Finally, the taste that dieteers can understand. I'm sure gaggles of people are just dying for that fake flavor they so crave. The lemon lime is standard lemon lime. Nothing to go crazy about.

As I mentioned, it's not the worst diet drink I've ever had so if you have some sort of brand loyalty towards Claire Baie and are into diet drinks, this is the drink for you. Otherwise, this is as average as an average drink can average.

Website
http://witbeveragecompany.com/wbc-brands-jelly-belly-wbc-gi-chicago-green-river-caruso-legacy-black-
Country
United States
Sweetener
Sucralose
Categories
Diet, Sparkling, Water
Rating
3/5
Reviewed By
Mike Literman on April 25th, 2016
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