Mike Literman (822 reviews)
Pure Cool Triple Chill
Alright men, this is it. This is the one that we have to win with. Thirsty Dudes have not given us a good review of any of the drinks we've made so this one has to count. Let's give it everything we've got. No fruit flavor since they consistently do not like it. I don't know why. I mean, it's not the best but it's not the worst. So let's do what we do best.
Gentlemen, I see that you've all worn your sneakers, white T's, blue jeans, and leather jackets. Max, I see that you've worn a jean jacket, that's cool, too. What I've gathered you all here to do is make the ultimate cool drink. I'm dubbing it "Triple Chill" and we're giving it all we've got. All chill, no funny business. Let's get to work. We're doing a 24 hour work shift. I'm going to get pizza and pop for everyone for lunch and dinner. A cool set of meals for a cool set of dudes.
Alright. Guys, I would like to thank you for a job well done. You have worked very hard and have made a lot of drinks and I am sending a couple bottles to the Thirsty Dudes. We made this for the masses but we had Thirsty Dudes in mind. Let's see what they have to say.
One week later
Guys! They reviewed it. I didn't even read it. I just printed it out so that I could read it. Everyone into the conference room in five minutes. I'll read it. Here's what it says:
Pure Cool has done it again. A strange tasting minty drink that misses the mark just about everywhere. I don't know what they use for mint but every sip tasted like I was drinking the water out of a urinal. You know when you pee on those urinal cakes and it is that strange minty-ness? That's what this tastes like. I did appreciate no fruit as that would have made this drink a complete abomination. I think that if humans ate plastic, and that plastic was mint flavored, that is what this drink is. Start a fire. Sit back in your nice leather chair and put your feet up. Pop a couple of minty plastic chips in your mouth and enjoy the night. That's what this drink makes me want to do. Ahh, to be a plastic ingesting human is to enjoy a bottle of Pure Cool Triple Chill.
I...I don't know what to say...We all worked so hard. Jim...you tested it, right? It was good wasn't it? Maybe there's just something wrong with the Thirsty Dudes. Yeah, that has to be it. Those guys have a messed up palate. These drinks are great and we are not in denial. They don't like them. So what. We're still in business, aren't we? Then let's keep doing what we do best! Back to work! Pizza for everyone!
- Website
- http://www.drinkpurecool.com/
- Country
- United States
- Sweetener
- No Sugar Added
- Categories
- Water
- Rating
- Reviewed By
- Mike Literman on 3/10/2012
Rockstar Relax Tropical Guava
The first time I ever had a Rockstar drink was also the first time that I had an energy drink. It was around 2003 and I was at the skate park hanging out and this dude who just got back from California and brought us back these tall drinks. It was a very generous and thoughtful gesture. We all took a sip and, like we have all said in most reviews, it tasted like a trillion Smarties crushed up in a crappy tea. From that point on, I didn't drink energy drinks until I started doing this site. A lot has happened to the world since my unsuccessful gateway drug into the downward spiral that is energy drinks has now pulled a switcheroo and started making relaxation drinks.
First sip of this knocked me off my seat. Not because it was good but because it was infinitely "diet." Sting and all. The flavor was quite the kick in the pants, too. I cannot argue that it is tropical guava flavor but it has been so candied and dieted that guavas worldwide should be insulted to be affiliated with this drink. It's just ramped up to eleven and doesn't let go to your mouth or throat.
Cut to an hour later and I could have taken a nice nap. I'm not a stressful man by any means and I actually hate naps. Do you know when the weather is just dreary and gray and it's like three in the afternoon, nothing is on TV, you don't want to play video games and you decide that you're going to just take a nap? That's what this drink was like. I felt quiet inside. I felt...not bored...but like my body was telling me that there is nothing better to do than take a nap. An hour after that, thankfully, it wore off and I was back to my normal self.
I'm drinking the other half that I didn't want to drink because I've got to do a bit of driving in the very near future and I don't want to be sleepy while doing so. We'll see what happens. If you don't hate diet drinks and need to calm down because you're a spazz of have self-diagnosed yourself with a sleeping disorder that could easily be fixed by you not drinking so many darn cups of coffee or energy drinks, compound your addictive nature and get this. If you just want to relax and care what you ingest, get a Marley's. I would choose it ninety-nine times to this.
- Website
- http://www.rockstar69.com/
- Country
- United States
- Sweetener
- Sucralose
- Categories
- Relaxation
- Rating
- Reviewed By
- Mike Literman on 3/9/2012
Pacific Breeze White Tea Blueberry
Powder drink mixes are great. They fit in small, secret locations so you can have a drink made out of water that you can buy anywhere. This tea is surprising, it is because the white tea leaves and blueberries and yes, a little bit of artificial sweetener, were zapped with a sweet laser that just turned whatever it hit into powder. The company sets up the leaves and everything on a special table in a special room, put on their protective goggles and zap away carefully. Once everything was powderized, they would take the janitors broom, climb on top of the table, and sweep the powder into a garbage can to be brought to the packaging facility.
The answer to your question is "yes." "What question?" you ask? The question of "Do they shoot other things with that sweet laser?" Yeah, dude. It's the ultimate prank prop. They powderize people's shoes and put the powder back in their locker. They powderize some of the people's food, like sandwiches and stuff, and put it back in the tupperware with a Post-It note that says "Just Add Water" and put it back in the fridge. They have a lot of fun but they never are unsafe around the laser. They know its powerful powers and do take safety precautions around it.
With this tea they created, they actually got it down. Nice, light bitterness, good berry flavor, and although it is a bit diet, it's better than regular, bottled diet iced teas. The bitterness covers up any nasty dietness that arises pretty quickly.
I don't know if they are hiring, but they will, for a small fee, powderize anything you want them to. You just need to supply a container to get rid of the dust and you also need to clean it up. They're not working for you. Also, a powderized ham sandwich tastes just as good in a little bit of water. It's frightening, but true.
- Website
- http://www.sturmfoods.com
- Country
- United States
- Sweetener
- Sucralose
- Categories
- Iced Tea
- Rating
- Reviewed By
- Mike Literman on 3/9/2012
Karma Wellness Water Balance Acai Pomberry
Karma was a stripper who was fantastic at her job but in need of a career change. She was great, though. She could take off her clothes faster than anyone else. That's what makes a good stripper, right? Who can take their clothes off faster? Isn't stripping a race? That's a sidebar. Anyhow, Karma loved fitness and when she wasn't at work, shakin' it, she was at the gym or jogging or eating healthy. She was the model of fitness. She was also attractive enough to be a model. She noticed when she was at the gym that people were just drinking water and she thought that something could be done about it.
So she grabbed some chewable vitamins and drink mix, put them in a little pouch, and started selling them to people at the gym as a type of water enhancer. You would get the hydration you needed from the water, the vitamins that would help you with the workin' outs, and the flavor to make it all go down easier. Francis Frankson was a budding investor who also worked at the same gym saw what Karma had come up with and thought that with some light tweaking, this could be a hit product.
Cut to three months later and the company Karma was born. Francis set Karma up with a bottler and a spring water supplier and found a company that would sell them the powder mix at wholesale and the kicker is that they partnered with a bottlecap maker who designed a cap that would store the mix. People all around would write Karma letters telling her that the Balance drink was a good tasting drink that tastes more juicy than Flinstone vitamin. Success! Karma was an entrepreneur and could leave her job at Bouncin' Booties.
- Website
- http://www.drinkkarma.com/
- Country
- United States
- Sweetener
- Stevia Rebaudiana Leaf Extract
- Categories
- Sports/Dietary Supplement, Water
- Rating
- Reviewed By
- Mike Literman on 3/8/2012
Jarritos Fruit Punch
I, like Jason, was in a band. We were in different bands although we did sit around and sing songs about barbecues when we lived together. We both played bass and weren't about to form a Ned's Atomic Dustbin or Freebass cover band. Anyhow, when I was in said band, we would always have Swedish Fish at the merch table. We went through many more boxes of candy than we did shirts, buttons, or CDs. People love candy. Fact. They love it.
Taking that into consideration, Jarritos was nice enough to make a drink that tastes pretty darn close to Swedish Fish. I guess Swedish Fish taste like fruit punch. That's a thought I never had. I always thought that they tasted like themselves and everything else tasted like them. No, my mind has done a 180 and I can put a name to a face and call that face "fruit punch."
This is a deliciously sweet and fruity pop. I can't believe that we haven't done it before. I've seen it at a couple places but just assumed it was already reviewed. I don't really like fruit pop but this might be my exception to the rule. It doesn't have a lingering flavor and it's nicely sweetened. Success!
- Website
- http://www.jarritos.com
- Country
- Mexico
- Sweetener
- Natural Sugar
- Categories
- Soda Pop
- Rating
- Reviewed By
- Mike Literman on 3/7/2012
Gazzu Mango Orange
As the herd of horses circled Hans, he was a bit worried. He had just knocked over eleven motorcycles like dominoes like in Pee Wee's Big Adventure at a local bar. He was reading a map and walking backwards, a poor combination, and bumped into a bike ever so gently. Knocked them all down, one after another. It all happened in slow motion. All of the bikers came out of the bar because they knew what had happened. They saw Hans standing there, shoulders shrugged, knowing that he was the cause of the mess, and came towards him. He jumped in an old Volkswagon Beetle that a young woman had left the keys in and sped down the street.
After about five minutes, Hans looked back, stopped the car, got out and looked for a phone to call someone. He walked towards a phone, picked it up and didn't hear a dial tone. He looked down and the wire had been cut. Just as he hung up the phone, he heard the galloping of what sounded like a hundred hooves. He turned around and there were a dozen guys on horses staring him down. They had found him. He was in trouble. They all came towards him slowly, yelling in Portuguese, which he couldn't understand because he was born and raised in Boise, Idaho. In high school he only had his option between French and Spanish.
With his back up against a wall, he looked around for some sort of out. He didn't see one until he looked in the Beetle and saw a sparkle in the cup holder. He ran to the car and took out a can of Gazzu. He saw that it was an energy drink and that's exactly what he needed at this point. He opened it up and drank half the can. Feeling the effects kick in immediately, he just started to run. In his head, he thought that he would get some sort of super strength and "Red Rover" through the line of impenetrable muscle.
As he ran towards them, he took a few more sips to ensure a break of the chain of strength. It was for naught as when he ran square into the largest man, he simply fell on the ground and saw stars. The men dragged him by his collar back to the bar. He sipped the Gazzu in hopes that he would muster up enough strength to break free. Now that he had the time to taste the drink, he noticed that it was incredibly sweet. It did taste like a majorly carbonated orange juice with candy in it. He liked the taste and drank the rest of the can before he got back to the scene of the crime.
The men told him to pick up each of the bikes and they said they didn't mind because all of their bikes were pretty beat up. The Gazzu gave Hans the energy he needed to lift all the bikes and put them back how he found them. Then the men invited him into the bar to buy him a drink. They weren't mad that he knocked down the bikes, they were mad he was a coward and ran. He learned that day that he would stand up for himself. Just then, a large woman kicked in the door to the bar and asked to see the man that stole her Beetle. Hans ran out the back door and was never seen in that part of town again.
- Country
- United States
- Sweetener
- Sucralose
- Categories
- Energy Drink
- Rating
- Reviewed By
- Mike Literman on 3/6/2012
Coco Exposed Pure Coconut Water Wheatgrass
Nope. I went into this thinking it was going to be gross and hoping to be wrong and I was right. Story time? You've got it.
There was once a bar that Jay DJ'd at and it was pretty great. They sold everything and also served food and drink. You could go in there, buy a nice meal and the chair you sat in to eat it. Tables, chairs, toys, odds and ends, and more; everything was for sale. It was cool. Jay and I were there for a night he was playing and he took a break and they offered wheatgrass so we split a shot of it. It wasn't bad. We thought it was going to be gross, but it just tastes like the smell of freshly cut grass. A little sweet but very...fresh. Very green. It's got some immense amount of vitamins and minerals equivalent to multiple servings of vegetables.
This is just a strange, smooth, chunky texture, like if you watered down your morning oatmeal and drank it, except your oatmeal smelled like if you poured the dust from a box of Cheerios into a cup rather than actual cereal.
This is bad. I have said it before and I'll say it again. How does stuff like this make it to market?
- Country
- United States
- Sweetener
- No Sugar Added
- Categories
- Aloe Vera, Chunky Drinks, Coconut
- Rating
- Reviewed By
- Mike Literman on 3/6/2012
Cintron Iced Tea with Lemon
Lemons are so social. They are the team players of Fruitland. They'll go anywhere and do anything. What drink line doesn't have a lemon flavored drink, or at least lemon as an additive? I don't hate lemons. Unless it's lemonade, there is a different lemon taste. You only get the sting on lemonade. I think that lemonade is a lemon's pet project. That's where they have their best foot forward.
Drinks like this is where the blue-collar lemons go. It's not bad. They're there. You can taste them. They're not in their finest state, but they're there. It's a black tea with lemon in it. Simple. I'm not offended by the corn syrup as this is right on par with "the rival" tallboy. You know the one.
This is fine. Dandy even. Lemons, keep up the good work. Sure, for some reason Jay doesn't like you, but he's strange. He's got Spice Girls and Bauhaus in his music collection. Lemons are fine, Jay.
- Website
- http://www.cintron21.com
- Country
- United States
- Sweetener
- High Fructose Corn Syrup
- Categories
- Iced Tea
- Rating
- Reviewed By
- Mike Literman on 3/5/2012
Zompo Italian Style Smoothie Kiwi, Lime & Cream
"Zompo!" that's the word. We're going to invent the new "awesome" or "tubular" or "radical" or all those other timeless phrases. What's going to start to inspire it, team? This pop. Nothing says "zompo!" like kiwi, lime, and cream. Kids and adults alike love when all sorts of things are mixed together and this certainly is a lot of mixed things.
Look, I've never been to Italy and I'm also not Italian, but if I know Italy and Italians, it's when you mix kiwi, limes, and creams together. That is Italian. Pizza and spaghetti, sure, that's more Italian, but you're not going to make a pizza or spaghetti pop, although I have thought of it due to my love for both foods. Look, kiwis are exotic, limes are wonderful to add a little zing to things, and cream soda is used to really smooth things out. Who doesn't love an exotic, zinging, smooth drink? Certainly not me, I love the stuff.
I've brought you all in not only as interns, but also as testers for our new products. I wanted you to taste a bit of this and let me know what you thing. Shannon, you are the voice for the team. What did you think of this? Strange tasting key lime pie? Is strange tasting good? Not really? Hmm. Can you break it down a little bit for me? Too much overall flavor in the beginning and it's not until a minute after you drink it that the cream kicks in and it tastes good for a couple seconds. Well that's not very good. Very sweet and a little stingy? Alright, that's the cane sugar and the lime. I wonder if we toned it down in both departments it would be better. What's that Carl? Oh. Team, Carl the director of operations said that we've already made ten thousand bottles and we can't afford to dump them all out and start with a new recipe.
I hope that Shannon, you and your team are a small subset of the population and this isn't the way that most people see this drink. We've got other flavors, sure, but I put a lot of thought into this one. Carl, ship 'em out and let's see what happens. Shannon, you and your team can collect your ten dollar gift cards to K-Mart on the way out.
- Website
- http://www.xtz.com/
- Country
- United States
- Sweetener
- Cane Sugar
- Categories
- Soda Pop
- Rating
- Reviewed By
- Mike Literman on 3/4/2012
Minute Maid Cranberry Grape
When I was sixteen, I am ashamed to say that I used to take wine from the basement and bring it to my friend Justin's house. We used to sneak sips and hide it in the false, tile ceiling in his basement. That basement was great. We treated it with no respect and it showed. The way we treated that basement probably lowered the selling price by a bit. I think Justin told me that there were so many beer cans from him and his brother and their friends in the ceiling that they filled up a couple garbage cans. That basement was probably the last place I drank and that would have been in about 1998.
The one bottle of wine that we probably never finished was a bottle of red wine. It is the only red wine that I've ever had, and maybe the only wine I've ever had of any shade. This drink tastes like it. First sip I was immediately rewound back a dozen years into a basement that reeked of incense, bad music, and hormones, all covered in a thick layer of melted candle wax.
It's not a bad juice: very dark grapes and very dark cranberry. Pretty sweet and surprisingly HFCS'd first. I thought we were beyond that. It's a tame drink with no bitterness. Smooth, even. It's good, though, and now that I know what this one tastes like, I can get it any time I need to remember where I came from, a moldy basement where we built stadium seating out of some old couches and wood, a basement where we all made out with the same girl on separate occasions, a basement where we spent much of our high school days. A basement that now that I'm thinking about, makes me miss my dumb mid-teens. Now I'm listening to the Sneaker Pimps because that's what we would have been doing fifteen years ago.
- Website
- http://www.minutemaid.com/
- Country
- United States
- Sweetener
- High Fructose Corn Syrup
- Categories
- Juice
- Rating
- Reviewed By
- Mike Literman on 3/2/2012