No Sugar Added - 718 Reviews

Ever since I moved back to Portland, it has been cold. Sure we've had a few days where it hit 55-60 degrees, but for the most part it has been chilly. Since it has been feeling like fall, I've had a craving for apple cider. In Buffalo, it's hard to find cider when in the winter or spring. Luckily, I stumbled upon this bottle of Columbia Gorge. Oh Columbia Gorge, how I missed you. This is my favorite juice company in the Pacific North West and they rarely let me down.

On the other hand, I'm really picky when it comes to apple cider. I've never had cider as good as the stuff made in central and western New York. That is, until now. This cider is fantastic, and reminds of a lot of my favorite ciders back home. It has the perfect tart taste, with lots of flavor too. I thought I had to give up pure apple cider when I decided to move back to Portland, but I'm glad to find out that I was wrong.

Early morning. You've got a taste for something but it's 8:30 and you're not a child anymore. Sure, you love video games and cartoons so mentally, you might be a bit youthful, but on the outside you look legitimate. Also, you don't want to be awakened by the stampede of a hundred elephants by drinking something like a five hour energy drink or even a regular energy drink. You don't want something too light like plain old water. You want some flavor. You want some pep. You want some pizazz. This drink satisfies those needs and desires. It's really bold, spicy, and perfect for a morning wake-up call.

Yerba Mate is going to energize you naturally and it's not too bitter for beginners. There is cinnamon, cardamom, clove, and anise in there for the spice lovers. All together, they play together to create a nice, spicy tea that I could and will drink again and again. I was a bit skeptical of chai because I think I had it before but it might have been some milk and tea mixture that I was not crazy about. Now I feel like a dumb dummy because I've been missing out on a new morning staple.

I never took any still life drawing classes in high school or college. I nude modeled for a life drawing class and bought a pizza with the proceeds but that's a different story all together. Even though my life lacks the ability to mix paint, I don't need to look at a bowl of fruit for hours on end to know that a "banapple" is not a real fruit. I enjoy fruit, too. I had cantaloupe today, yesterday, and the day before. If that isn't dedication to fruit, I don't know what is. I enjoy looking at the exotic fruits with my lil' buddy Max when we go to the store. He holds on to dragonfruit, apricots, kumquats, and more. A banapple has never been on the shelves.

If this company invented a fruit just for this drink, that is incredible but I feel like that is science that should be better put to use making tacos out of thin air or something. Food science is food science, right? Don't waste your time bastardizing apples by adding a banana to them. If you made a pearana (the concatenation of a pear and a banana) that would be great because I hate those dudes.

Luckily for me, there isn't a strong presence of banana in this drink but there is a strong presence of a pretty great, smooth, berry drink. You don't even know the chia seeds are there, those of you who are concerned about a Mama Chia like drink. These chia seeds have been finely ground that they blend in with everything else and provides you with a nice, thick berry smoothie. I like it. Banapple, you know that apple is doing all the work, right? You are the kid in high school that relies on everyone else in the group to do the project while you sit back and play Ninja Gaiden.

I wasn't really prepared for this. I expected a decent juice, but not to this level. Raspberry flavored apple juice sounds great right? Well how about whole raspberries pressed into some of the finest purest apple juice you will ever taste? This bottle contains 100% cold pressed fruit. On top of that it's made semi-locally. It seriously tastes like I'm eating fresh fruit, and I can't get enough. It's known that I am a glutton when it comes to drinks. My ladyfriend always complains when I ask for a sip of her beverages, because to me a sip is a quarter of the bottle (or so she says). With that in mind I am trying to take the tiniest sips possible of this, so that I can savor the flavor. This really is one of the best juices I have ever tasted. If you ever see this at your local market, don't even hesitate to make your purchase.

Surplus! Surplus! Surplus! What on Earth are we going to do with this surplus of vegetables?!? Marky “accidentally” put the decimal point in the wrong spot on his last order before he spit in old man Peterson's face and quit. Now instead of 50lbs of vegetables we have an entire warehouse full of them, and they are going to go bad fast. I know what you're thinking, and no we are not going to donate them. Sure it would be a tax write off, but I'm not going in the business of throwing way money, especially in such high quantities. Don't give me that look. I bet you have never done a day of charity in your life! Oh, you work in the soup kitchen and read to dying children in the hospital in your free time? Well aren't you little mister perfect!

Wait a minute. What was that drink that you had last week? It was juice, but it also had vegetables in it. Ahh yes. V8 Fusion. You said that was delicious, so why don't we do the same? We have a bunch of peaches and mangoes that we were going to make juice out of, why not stretch that a bit further and mix in a bunch of veggies. You could hardly taste them in that V8, or so you said last week. Plus the vitamin content will increase, which means so with the health benefits. People love healthy stuff these days.

Okay either you're a liar, or V8 did something we didn't because I can most certainly taste the vegetables in this juice. It tastes pretty much exactly like what it is; peach mango juice mixed with vegetable soup. Well if that vegetable soup was sweet, which is weird because we didn't add any sugar. It starts off all right, but that aftertaste is like a bad gazpacho. We could cut down the number of veggies we use, but then we would still have an insane amount left after the fruit is gone. I think we should stick with this recipe. Even if it's gross, people may still buy it because it's a new product, and we have no intention of ever making more after all this produce is gone, so who cares if they will never buy it again. Now let's make some juice.

For as long as he could remember the road had called out to George. When he was younger he just loved the idea of cars. As he grew older he devoured the works of Kerouac and Ginsberg. Their words romanticized the road trip in a way that he had never imagined. When he was 16 he worked his little butt off and bought a junker car. He spent the next two years fixing up that car while he finished high school. The travel may have been in his blood, but he was a smart boy and he knew the dream couldn't last forever, well unless he fell into the druggy crowd and died of an overdose. That could seem like forever. The time had finally come and he had just graduated and it was also his 18th birthday coincidentally. He rushed home from the ceremony to print up the directions for his trip. He had decided to keep it old school and he was going to drive historic Rt. 66 all the way out to California, where he would bask in the sun and dip his toes in the tide.

When he got home he hit print, grabbed his backpack and was out the door. It was somewhere around his 7th hour of driving that he noticed something was wrong. He was pretty sure that Alabama was not west of Kentucky. He pulled over and took a better look at his directions; he was an idiot. He was so excited that he didn't really pay attention when he was typing into his computer. He must have hit the “F” key instead of the “R” and auto correct took care of the rest. He wasn't on Rt. 66, and from the looks of the map these directions wouldn't take him anywhere near it. Instead he was on “Fruit 66,” a series of roads that would take him to all of the major fruit farms that the United States has to offer. He decided that he had gone too far to turn back now, so he jut ran with it. He rationalized it by telling himself that it wasn't the destination that was important to this trip, but the ride itself, so it didn't matter where he went. It was also around this time that his old car was thirsty and needed to be filled up. When he pulled into the gas station he was surprised to actually see a Fruit 66 sign. He had assumed it was just a clever name the website had given to the route, apparently it was a real thing. He went in and there was a visitor's center with maps and photos and it looked like he was in for a treat. He also would be passing through South of the Border aka the most racist place in the United States. At the back of the center there was a cooler with cans of Fruit 66 sparkling juice. They were only $1 so he grabbed a couple of cans; one for now and one for the road. As he walked out of the center he cracked open the can and took a big gulp. It was getting hot now that he was getting further south and he was a growing boy, a very thirsty growing boy. As soon as the juice hit his tongue he knew his little snafu was for the better. If this juice was any hint of what this trip was going to expose him to, well then life was good. It was some of the best sparkling juice he ever had. It was basically seltzer water with a whole bunch of fruit juice in it; you know the fruit punch fruits. Normally seltzer water disgusted him, but the juice sweetened it up enough to make it still taste slightly dry, but to mask the seltzer flavor. It was 100% juice in this can and it reminded him of a better version of Juicy Juice. Sweet, fruity and healthy, it was exactly what he needed to lift his spirits and quench his thirst. If this was just the first stop of his adventure he knew he was in for a treat. He could only hope that all of the rest stops along Fruit 66 would also have cans of this juice. Perhaps if the beat poets had taken this route insted of Route 66, they wouldn't have had so many issues and they would have been content. Now onward to the peach orchards of Georgia!

I've had a long day. I hope the subway isn't packed. Oh, nice, it's pretty open. I've got my own bay of seats here. I can relax and stretch my legs out a bit...wait...what...oh man. This fat dude is standing right in front of and staring at me.

What sir? You want me to hold this glass? Where did you get this glass? It looks like you have a glass from home. That is what it is? Alright. I'll hold it. What are you doing with that backpack? Oh, what are you doing with that old shirt? You're putting it over the glass that I'm holding. Why are you doing this? Oh, in the backpack again. You are peeling an orange. I still don't know what I have to do with...are you making fresh squeezed orange juice on the subway? Why don't you just buy...another orange? Sir, I've got to recommend that you just go to the store and...another orange! I have orange juice all over my hand. Please. I don't want to do this anymore. Another orange? The glass is almost full. Sir? The glass is almost full. Sir. Sir!! Sir!! It's spilling over. Enough! Enough!

Here. I don't want to do this. You can have your shirt filled with orange rind and seeds and stuff and your glass. In your backpack again? For what and please don't let it be a knife. Oh, thank you. A Handi-Wipe for my hands. I appreciate it and am glad that...what? You want me to drink it? Sir, I don't mean to offend you, but I am not too keen about drinking subway orange juice from a man I don't know. In you backpack yet again. Oh. Woah! Woah! This time you do have a knife. I'll drink it. I'll drink it. This actually isn't too bad. If I may critique, I wish that you used a sweater next time instead of a shirt because although it's truly 100% juice, with no pulp and everything strained out, I would almost call you a liar if I didn't see you make this in front of my and with my help.

Here is your glass back. Thank you for the juice. I didn't see what was coming and although I don't really appreciate you threatening to stab me, I do appreciate the juice. That makes us even. Have a nice day. I'm going to take a long hot shower to wash the stick and filth off of me. Enjoy your night.

Name three fruits that are pretty intense in juice form. You chose cranberry, pomegranate and cherry all of which are correct answers. Straight up cranberry juice is pretty common and it's not super intense, but it can be fairly bitter if it's not sweetened properly. Have you ever drunk pure juice of the cherry or pomegranate? Now that is a wild ride. Ocean Spray has combined these three juices, along with apple and grape juices, into a concoction that is mild and pleasant. I really think it's the apple juice that smoothes it all out, but the three main flavors are all present in their own way. The cranberries and pomegranates swirl around each other and mix way nicer than you ever would expect. The Cherry is mostly there in the aftertaste. There is no sweetener added to it, which is the way juice should be.

Wow this was a boring textbook style review. Oh well it was a great juice, but there's really not much to say about it other than it's awesome.

Dear The FDA,
Can we get a little stricter on ingredient lists? I mean what constitutes natural flavoring? I could soak muddy rocks in a vat of water, would that fall under the category of natural flavoring? Take this can of Noah's for instance. It's a nice little drink. It's obviously flavored soda water, but the ingredients only like carbonated water and natural flavoring. Since the can also states that it contains 0% juice, I want to know what it is that I'm drinking that is creating that berry pomegranate flavor. I like the flavor, a lot actually. This reminds me a lot of the Dry Sodas. I hate seltzer water, but I really enjoy those, and I enjoy this a good deal as well. The Dry bottles list what is flavoring them though. This is just natural flavoring. Does that mean that they just soaked fruit in the carbonated water and then strained them out? How about a little guidance here? I like this drink it's lightly flavored sparkling water that makes you feel like an adult, even though it looks like it's marketed towards kids. If you could get kids hooked on this stuff instead of regular soda, the world would be a better place. I'm just the curious sort. Also, what is this that I've been hearing that if a drink has less than 4 calories, companies can now claim them to be zero calories? FDA, you either need to go back to school for some basic arithmetic, or stop being such a liar.
Sincerely,
The Thirsty Dudes

If Smart Juice isn't one thing, it's a gaggle of liars. Everything I've had from them has been 100% accurate? Now, I'm a world-class scientist, yes, but you don't need to go to school for as long as Jay and myself to know why that is. There is nothing but juice in this here bottle. It's not watered down, sugared up, syruped down, or artificialed. It's just what it is. Pomegranate that makes you tongue shrink and tart cherries that squeeze your cheeks like your great aunt did that you never liked but missed when she stopped doing it.

This was sent to us as a generous gesture and I've been sitting on it for quite some time. Luckily for me, I caught it two months before it expired. It doesn't taste bad, but defiantly has an earthy tone that you would only get from eating a real fruit. Eat more real fruit. If you can't eat it, drink it. If you can't eat it or drink it, draw fake fruit and wish it was real fruit that you could be eating and then wonder what you're doing in Drawing 1 because you are an economics major who isn't even good at painting.

For the first time in the history of the world this orange juice is now available to the general populace. No longer do you need to be descended from royalty in order to enjoy its splendor. As recently as three months ago if someone was found with even an ounce of this juice on his or her person, or in his or her home, and they could not produce the proper paperwork to prove their lineage they would be tar and feathered. It was an old, outdated law on the books, but for some reason every law agency in the free world enforced it; unlike the law that states that it is illegal to put squirrels down your pants for the purposes of gambling. That one never seems to be enforced.

Here we now are at the dawn of a new era and congress has made an amendment to the constitution stating that no man (or woman) will be denied their constitutional right to delicious juice. One taste and you will understand why all those kings and queens of old would want to keep this drink all for themselves. It is nothing but organic orange juice, but it is some of the best orange juice I have ever tasted. One could easily believe that it was in fact this juice that kept them noble. It is sweet and citrusy without being overly acid in any way. If you were a betting man you might say that one could drink an entire gallon of this juice in one sitting and not get a stomachache. No betting man would say that about Minute Maid or Tropicana. It is a good day for the common folk, so don your makeshift crowns and drink a bottle or two. Its your day to play king.

After riding my bike around on a nice pseudo spring day I worked myself into a Zen-like state. To be fair being out in the sun for a while after a few months of winter (mild or not) will do that to a person. I decided to celebrate my brief inner peace with a bottle of Zico Tao Mango coconut water. I've really come a long way in enjoying these beverages over the past two years. From hatred, to passable, and now they are just enjoyable. Apparently to the fine folks at Zico Tao is a pseudonym for cinnamon. This tastes like cinnamon and mango (and of course coconut water). It was an unexpected flavor to have wash over my tongue, but it is enjoyable. The ingredients say nothing about it containing cinnamon, but maybe that falls under the "natural flavors." I would have never thought of mixing mango and cinnamon, but Zico must have gotten my message I wrote yesterday about companies halting their production of peach mango drinks. See you can think outside of the box and have great results. My girlfriend says it tastes like tanning oil, but what does she know? She's surely not a scientist.

Alright men, this is it. This is the one that we have to win with. Thirsty Dudes have not given us a good review of any of the drinks we've made so this one has to count. Let's give it everything we've got. No fruit flavor since they consistently do not like it. I don't know why. I mean, it's not the best but it's not the worst. So let's do what we do best.

Gentlemen, I see that you've all worn your sneakers, white T's, blue jeans, and leather jackets. Max, I see that you've worn a jean jacket, that's cool, too. What I've gathered you all here to do is make the ultimate cool drink. I'm dubbing it "Triple Chill" and we're giving it all we've got. All chill, no funny business. Let's get to work. We're doing a 24 hour work shift. I'm going to get pizza and pop for everyone for lunch and dinner. A cool set of meals for a cool set of dudes.

Alright. Guys, I would like to thank you for a job well done. You have worked very hard and have made a lot of drinks and I am sending a couple bottles to the Thirsty Dudes. We made this for the masses but we had Thirsty Dudes in mind. Let's see what they have to say.

One week later
Guys! They reviewed it. I didn't even read it. I just printed it out so that I could read it. Everyone into the conference room in five minutes. I'll read it. Here's what it says:

Pure Cool has done it again. A strange tasting minty drink that misses the mark just about everywhere. I don't know what they use for mint but every sip tasted like I was drinking the water out of a urinal. You know when you pee on those urinal cakes and it is that strange minty-ness? That's what this tastes like. I did appreciate no fruit as that would have made this drink a complete abomination. I think that if humans ate plastic, and that plastic was mint flavored, that is what this drink is. Start a fire. Sit back in your nice leather chair and put your feet up. Pop a couple of minty plastic chips in your mouth and enjoy the night. That's what this drink makes me want to do. Ahh, to be a plastic ingesting human is to enjoy a bottle of Pure Cool Triple Chill.

I...I don't know what to say...We all worked so hard. Jim...you tested it, right? It was good wasn't it? Maybe there's just something wrong with the Thirsty Dudes. Yeah, that has to be it. Those guys have a messed up palate. These drinks are great and we are not in denial. They don't like them. So what. We're still in business, aren't we? Then let's keep doing what we do best! Back to work! Pizza for everyone!

Nope. I went into this thinking it was going to be gross and hoping to be wrong and I was right. Story time? You've got it.

There was once a bar that Jay DJ'd at and it was pretty great. They sold everything and also served food and drink. You could go in there, buy a nice meal and the chair you sat in to eat it. Tables, chairs, toys, odds and ends, and more; everything was for sale. It was cool. Jay and I were there for a night he was playing and he took a break and they offered wheatgrass so we split a shot of it. It wasn't bad. We thought it was going to be gross, but it just tastes like the smell of freshly cut grass. A little sweet but very...fresh. Very green. It's got some immense amount of vitamins and minerals equivalent to multiple servings of vegetables.

This is just a strange, smooth, chunky texture, like if you watered down your morning oatmeal and drank it, except your oatmeal smelled like if you poured the dust from a box of Cheerios into a cup rather than actual cereal.

This is bad. I have said it before and I'll say it again. How does stuff like this make it to market?

I submit this to the neurons in your brain that receive the messages from your taste buds in order to distinguish flavor. In front of you sits an enormous apple. It's the biggest apple you have ever beheld with your eyes. You need both hands in order to list it. You toss it in the air a little to feel the heft of it, and what a heft it has. You look it over for a bit and then somehow your jaw unhinges in order for you to take a proper bite. It is the juiciest apple you have ever eaten. The juice is just pouring down your chin. It's an apple's equivalent to a tidal wave of juice. You have never tasted a fresher or more well rounded apple.

Some how Snapple has somehow captured this experience in a bottle. They have created a beverage that tastes more like eating the best apple ever than any other apple juice ever has in the past. It even has the taste of the apple skin in it somehow. I think somewhere someone rolled a 20-sided die and this is what they created in their fantasy world. Somehow it was brought into real life, and the world thanks the dungeon master in charge.

Noah, dude. Did you see this? I know. It's very insensitive. All of those animals stuck on that boat. You listened to the man upstairs, built the arc, traveled for a long time, and then had to resettle. You spend months on a boat with monkeys thinking they owned the place. There was just animal poop everywhere. I know that the documentary maker who added your story to his book, "The Bible" didn't add any of the gross stuff. You would spend most days picking up pooh with a shovel and throwing it overboard. That's not glamorous. Also, people died in that flood. Did the maker of this drink forget that? Flood your thirst? Seriously. People died. I know people that died. This guy took your name and your story and exploited it to sell his drink. You want one? Alright. You can have mine.

What?! You like it? How could you, Noah? This is an insult to your experiences and your story. I know that was a long time ago and you work in a Best Buy now but it's still something you did, something you accomplished. Good lime flavor?! I don't even know you. I suppose you think that it's nice and refreshing because it doesn't have any sugar. What? Dude. Noah. Dude. You've gone soft. Your once calloused hands have softened back up. Alright, I know I'm being hard on you. I'm sorry. While you're back there, can you get me a pair of Beats headphones in purple? Thanks. My customer is going to be sore at me for talking to you for so long and clearly not working and getting the headphones they wanted.

Thousands of years ago Central America was the home to many a dragon. That's right, dragons lived in Central America and not in Europe or England like the stories would have you believe. Dragons like heat, so why would they hang out in cold Euroland? In fact they like heat so much that they made their nests inside of volcanoes in an already tropical climate. Their eggs had to actually be at 800 degrees in order to come to gestation and hatch. That is the source of the downfall of the dragon. You see dragons may have been tough with basically impenetrable scales that allowed them to torment the close villages, but they had a screwy internal clock that caused them only to live for four years. They could get a bachelors degree and then they bit the dust. Luckily newborn dragons matured in only a couple of weeks. One day all of the volcanoes dried up and became inactive. The heat level dropped, the eggs went unhatched and the legendary beasts became extinct.

Here we are in 2012 and the volcanoes are still inactive, and dragons are nowhere to be seen. Their legacy lives on though through the magical fruit Pitaya, or dragonfruit as it is commonly known. Something happened with the unhatched dragon eggs that caused this fruit to see the light of day. It grows on the mountainsides of the still dormant volcanoes and is full of antioxidants and fiber. Seriously this fruit is beyond healthy. The antioxidants in one bottle of this are equal to that of 100 blueberries. It's not messing around.

It has a slightly chalky texture to it that I would assume is due to the high fiber content. The flavor is great though. The dragonfruit tastes kind of like a mix between an apple and a kiwi, but very mild, just sweet and inoffensive. There is mango puree and pineapple juice in this as well, but neither overpowers the taste. I would have never guessed there was pineapple in it, until I read it, and then I could detect it slightly. The mango flavor is more present, but it blends in well with the dragonfruit to create a nice smooth tropical flavor. I think this could also work well as a palate cleanser. I say thank you dragons for creating this fruit for us. I just hope those volcanoes don't ever erupt again causing the eggs to finally hatch. That would be a good time for no one down in Central America.

Remember when David Bowie proclaimed, “This isn't orange juice, this is genocide”? Yeah, that was weird. I now understand that he was talking about. He was referring to the slaying of thousands of blood oranges to get to their tart, tart hemoglobin. I normally think that the senseless murder of anything is an atrocity beyond explanation, but with one sip of this and you'll be right up front with a juicer of your own. Blood oranges are far superior to your everyday oranges and Nobel is leading the crusade with this juice. I normally wouldn't say this, but I really wish they had added a little bit of sugar to this. Just a pinch would have made a world of a difference. As it is I really like it, but every time I take a sip I can't help but make that “I just put 25 sour Warheads in my mouth at the same time face to win a bet” face. Man is it ever tart.

It's 1920. You are eighteen, just graduated from high school and have your whole life ahead of you. You put on your hat, suit, and nice shoes and head to the market. You get some soap, fresh fruits and vegetables, and some meat for supper. Supper is what they called "dinner" in those days. You've got to check on the status of your car so you head to the mechanic across the street. It's dusty today. Your new dark gray slacks are taking a hit. Mother will be very upset that she's going to have to clean them. It's not your fault. If they would only cover the street with something everyone's pants wouldn't get all muddy. After all, that's how you lost a tire. After that big rain, holes and mud was everywhere and essentially stole the tire right off your car.

The mechanic is sitting down, covered in dust, dirt, oil, and grease. He's drinking something but you can't tell what it is from across the street. You walk up to him and ask how your car is. He tells you that you just needed a new axle and it was done. You looked at his drink and it was one of those new Blackman juices everyone has been talking about. You asked the mechanic where he got it because you were finally going to get one. He said that the market you just came from had them but they were in the back so you probably didn't see them. You paid the man, threw your groceries in you newly fixed car, and headed back towards the market. You finally found the juice after having to ask two different associates where they were. You decided on the pear apple juice since you love both of those fruits. You pay the cashier, head outside, and sit in your car. You open up the bottle and take a sip. "Ahhhhh" you say. It's a fifty-fifty split between your favorite hand fruits. Naturally sweetened by apples, tasting like apples, and tasting like pears all at the same time. Now you know what everyone was talking about. Blackman has done it again. You're going to have to do an extra good job at shining his shoes next time he sees you. He deserves it after this concoction.

You get in your car, tip you hat to the mechanic who fixed your car, and headed to your job as a shoesmith for wingtips and loafers for the rest of the day. If it's not too late, maybe you'll try your luck at some of the other flavors the market's got.

In a cave four hundred feet below the ocean, there are aliens. You thought they came from outer space. You orbit-dummy. They brought Pitaya, a space fruit, to Earth because their soil couldn't handle it. Their plants grow down due to strange gravity so the aliens planted them in the ceiling of their cave. Problem is, here plants grow up so they planted all these strange fruits that they just assumed weren't growing but, in fact, were growing up and actually breaking through the earth in some places and humans discovered them. These strange fruits were harvested right as "The Great Coconut Water Craze" of 2010 happened so they naturally were mixed in with that. Someone took a sip and said that it needed a little something else and threw in a lemon and called it a day.

The aliens, disguised as insurance brokers went to the company that had "stolen" all their fruit for a profit and decided to see what their hard work had turned into on this planet. They discovered that it wasn't half bad. The dragonfruit was a nice compliment to the coconut water that was typically chalky. The lemon was a strange touch that actually was some of the most sincere lemon flavor. Almost like if you made homemade lemonade with real lemons and put that in there without the sugar because this isn't terribly sweet.

The aliens, upset that they had been plating all their stuff only to be used and modified by dumb humans decided that they would go to Mars because they heard through the television that Mars makes candy bars and everyone knows that aliens love chocolate.