I'll take a coffee, please. One sugar. Thanks. Ahh! This coffee is far too hot. Can I put this in your fridge to cool it down? Thank you very much. It smells great, but I just can't sip it without the fear of burning my mouth. We all know that nothing ruins your day like burning the roof of your mouth. Sure, I'd love to go to the mall.

[four hours later]

Did you see the great deal I got on these slacks? It's like I stole them from the store. Oh crudbuckets. I forgot my coffee in your fridge. You know what? I'll drink it. No, you don't need to make me another one. I drink iced coffee at work. What's the difference between that and this? Ice and some fancy but unnecessary syrup? I'm fine with this, thank you very much.

You know what? They must be adding something else I'm missing out on at the coffee shop because this just tastes kind of like cold coffee. I know, I know. It is cold coffee. You know, when I was in Taiwan, they had these tiny but near indestructible cans of coffee by some dude who looked like Dom Delouise called Mr. Brown. This is that, or that is this. Regardless of what it is, I have just created it in your home and now have no need to ever but it again.

I don't know if you're aware of this, but ancient Native Americans used super sweet iced tea to help with fertility. Skateboards and roller blades were also used in the ritual. That's right hundreds of years before Dogtown was even a thought the rightful owners of this country were shredding. I know it sounds completely insane, but that's all that I can gather from the label on this bottle. The figures on here look ridiculously similar to the fertility deity Kokopelli (For some reason I think my dad has a tattoo of him. That's just weird). I don't know what Kokopelli has to do with southern style iced tea, but it must be something for this subsidiary of the Canada Dry corporation to place him in a bunch of scenarios on this bottle.

I would like to come out and say that I would expect a god to endorse a much better tea. This tastes like it should be the Brisk take on southern sweet tea aka heavily sugared water with just a hint of tea. I didn't really expect much for a 99cent plastic bottle, so I guess I'm not let down. Nothing about this packaging screams “good tea” so I doubt anyone would be duped into expecting anything grand. Maybe this is just what Kokopelli drinks when he's taking a break from getting the women pregnant. I feel sorry for him. He puts in the real work and he deserves better.

I have a severe problem. I am straight up addicted to Taco Bell. I don't eat there all that often, but that is solely because it would take me 20 minutes to drive there, and a 40 minute round trip ride is not worth 2-3 99 cent burritos. The thing is that whenever I pass by one, or even see a sign for the “restaurant” I get an undying need for craptastic fake Mexican food. I could have just eaten the biggest meal of my life and then I'll pass by one and think, “yeah I could really go for a burrito now.” It's absolutely disgusting and I wish I could break myself from it.

While I love the garbage burritos that Taco Bell serves me, there is another item on their menu that I repeatedly try and always regret. That is the Taco Bell exclusive that is Mountain Dew Baja Blast. It is by far my least favorite flavor of Mountain Dew. It's supposed to be lime, you know to accent the flavors in the burritos, but it comes off as something that should not be ingested. It has an almost chemical taste that is somehow different than that of energy drinks. If someone told me that it could also be used as coolant in a car, I would not be surprised.

I know a lot of people rave over this flavor, but I don't get it at all. It's borderline undrinkable in my book. In the future when I order my three fresco bean burritos I'll accompany them with a glass of water.

You've got a great thing. Imagine, if you will, a pristine Pontiac Fiero. Gorgeous, right? Red with those strange but lovable cloth seats with the speakers in the headrest. Manual transmission, stock everything, fastback, and unaltered in every way. You love it, much like Cameron's dad's Ferrari in Ferris Bueler's Day Off, you wipe you car with a diaper. You reach a point in your life, though, where you've got a kid and you can no longer see yourself driving such a cherry roadster so you have to sell it. An eighteen year old in a beat up Neon comes to your house, hands you cash, and you sadly give him the keys and the title.

A year later you see the car around your work. It's got a dent in the hood, a plastic bag taped to the passenger window because of an apparent break-in attempt, bigger tires, and a different color passenger rear view mirror. You feel like all your hard work preserving the best of 1988 was for naught and shed the saddest single tear your eyes have ever shed. This drink is that.

You've got one great second of strawberry and kiwi that you wish never ended followed by a diet massacre. The final ingredient is sucralose, which ruins this entire drink turning it into the abomination of what it once was. It truly starts out very promising but then promptly takes a turn for the worse.

Both drinking this and writing that intro made me sad.

I like dry sodas. They are a nice alternative when you don't want to drink a lot of sugar. The flavors generally aren't overly strong, but I can get over it for the trade off. Fruit flavors generally make the best dry sodas. Unfortunately root beer does not. Root beer is meant to be robust and full bodied, two things you just can't get with a dry soda. In essence this is some seltzer water with some root beer flavoring added to it (plus the tiniest amount of cane sugar). To be fair it does have birch oil and vanilla in it, so it is all natural. It's unfortunate that it doesn't really work for root beer, as the flavor isn't very apparent and it tastes like watered down root beer.

If I've learned one thing from my boss it's that you fill every receptacle in your house or apartment with water as soon as you her that something apocalyptic is about to happen. The water gets contaminated or water supply just gets cut. You end up drinking water of fish bowls and sand pails. For these reasons, you've got to spice it up any way you can.

While you are stocking up on bottled water if you are some sort of clean freak, you should stock up on these little guys. They are discreet and better than a lot of other drink mixes. It's organic, too so you can feel good about the lack of additives that are going into your system while you are absorbing countless radiation charges and poisons from whatever happened during the apocalypse. This is a good juice and doesn't taste like a mix at all. It is actually very cherry and somewhat berry tasting. Not too sweet although since it's a mix, you could make it as sweet or weak as you wanted. It might be the only fruit you're going to get if something happens to the crops.

My boss loves "end of the world" scenario shows and brings the "what ifs" into the office. We enjoy talking about it but not as much as he likes watching them. Also, nothing gets him madder than when they all get cancelled. Apparently no one else besides him thinks that preparedness is a skill worth learning.

Granny knows best and she thinks it's about darn time you stopped eating so much sugar. She knows you sneak out to the kitchen in the middle of the night and eat spoonfuls of sugar out of the jar. She can tell by the way you're getting paunchy, well that and the sugar you leave everywhere including encrusted onto the spoons you just put back in the drawer. Seriously, that's how you get ants. As of now she's put locks on the cupboards so you can't get to her sweet, sweet sugar, and she's going to start feeding you unsweetened iced tea. Sure at first you might think unsweetened tea is bitter and not for you who loves granulated sugar a mouthful at a time, but after a few classes you will warm up to it, and get used to your unsweetened life. Have we mentioned how you look paunchy and unhealthy?

Don't worry kiddo; she's not just going to put a glass of straight black tea with ice cubes in it in front of you. She knows you love your flavor, so she mixed in some black currant juice with the tea. It's a tart fruit mixed in with a bitter tea, but they do commingle nicely. Granny knew you would still complain a bit about it, so she also put in a squirt of lime juice to spice it up, and spice it up she did. At first sip the lime stands out more than anything, but as your palate gets used to it all of the flavors settle together into a nice sugar free family. Don't you want to get to know this family and lose your paunch? You don't? Well it's too bad because it's what granny wants you to do and she makes the rules! Also, it's a delicious drink. Seriously, just get used to unsweetened tea. You're body will thank you later.

It had been a long day for Mark. His boss had made him come in an hour early and then was on him all day to get this or that done in some ridiculously small amount of time. It was nonstop chaos and he didn't even have time to take a lunch. Take it from my boy Mark, Ritz crackers from the vending machine a meal does not make. By the time he got out of work, late of course, his stomach was screaming to be filled. On the walk to his car he ordered a pizza. That's right Mark ordered a large cheese pizza and he planned on eating it all himself, in one sitting. We're not talking about those 14” or 16” pizzas they have down south. This was a real deal 18” large cheese pizza that was greasy and doughy with just a hint of flour on the bottom of the crust. When he got to the pizza joint it wasn't quite ready so he checked out the little shop next door as he needed a drink to go along with his “za” and a two-liter of 7Up did not sound appealing. When he came across this can of Colombiana he knew he was in for a treat. You see Mark was a huge supporter of Cola and he loved trying the underdogs in the “Cola Wars.” What Mark didn't know was that cola and kola were not the same thing, and it was a realization that wouldn't hit him until he was two slices deep into his dinner. He cracked open the can and took a big sip, instantly realizing that it was not the soda he expected. Where he expected a heavy harsh cola flavor he was instead met by a slightly bubble gum flavored soda. It was then that the K in the flavor made sense to him. This was not cola at all, but instead it was kola champagne a drink popular in Puerto Rico. He had read the flavor described as a vanilla banana mixture, but to him it always tasted like bubble gum, and was always overly sweet and too much to handle. Colombiana's version wasn't so flavorful and he got where people had gotten the description before. This was a version of the soda that he could actually finish an entire bottle of. It didn't compliment his pizza as much as say an RC Cola would have, but it didn't ruin his meal either. He did learn his lesson though, and would never again confuse kola for the sticky sweet brown beverage that held a grip on his heart.

Unlike most pear flavored drinks the taste of the fruit is not very strong in this drink. Actually the flavor is pretty mellow. I think it tastes more of honeysuckle than pear. By that I mean it tastes ever so slightly floral and sweet. The more I think about it the more mild and nondescript the flavor becomes. It's pleasant enough.

The seeds in this are smaller than those in the Mama Chia line. They still have that slimy coating that makes them go down smooth. They may be tinier, but they are very plentiful. This is a health conscious drink that has a bunch of benefits.

Charitea…€¦get it? Charity. Cherry Tea. It's wacky word play that comes around full circle. This is a cherry hibiscus tea and a percentage of its proceeds are donated to different charities. Those are two things that I can get behind.

I love that Argo chose to use hibiscus as their tea. It's not the obvious choice and it makes the drink that much more enjoyable. Also, unlike most companies they actually use real fruit juice to flavor their teas. So to clarify this is hibiscus mixed with straight up cherry juice. Could this get any better? Well self, I'm glad you asked. You see on top of the cherry and hibiscus there is also vanilla in the mix. For those of you not in the know, cherry and vanilla makes one heck of a combo. It also makes Mike's favorite pop of all time. This is a strong flavorful beverage, and even though it's a tad on the pricey side, it is well worth every penny. It's one of the most unique teas I've enjoyed in a long time, and I'd like to share this experience with you. So, you know you should probably dish out the cash and buy a couple of bottles and come over to hang out. I swear I won't just be reading Batman comics and drinking the tea while you sit there uncomfortably.

The Fonz, and for that matter, his predecessor and inspiration, the Gorch, are the epitome of smooth. They were classy, rude, inspirational, rebellion, and kind all at the same time. Well, the Fonz moreso than the Gorch. That chain kind of keeps him out of everything "kind." They never overdid it but they did master the art of being a cool guy. No one has ever complained about something or someone being too smooth...until now.

This drink did not offend me by being decaf. I should start off with that. It's got a lot of ingredients that you wouldn't expect. Namely, chamomile, passionfruit flower, and lemon balm leaf, extracts. Unfortunately all of those flavors were masked with what I can only explain as something similar to the creamer you would put in your coffee to make it taste like what this drink tastes like. Nothing really shines through and it's all just kind of a mass of creamy coffee tasting liquid. It's fine, but it's fine at best.

I like a little bite to my coffee drink and if I may bring it back to the age old fight between the Fonz and the Gorch, this drink is the Fonz because it doesn't have any hard edges and is pretty smooth throughout. I have to say that I like my drinks a bit more like the Gorch with some pep and pizzazz. Yeah, I said pizzazz. The Gorch would hit me with his chain if he heard me say that, I'm sure.

We're having a real problem with the drinking water here, Admiral. I don't know if we're refilling the drums with clean water and I'm afraid that we're filling it with water from the sea. Why do I ask? Well look at this cup. Number one issue I see is that it's slightly brown. Number two issue is that there are tiny rocks in it. I thought we addressed this issue last season when those dudes got sick from drinking water from a dirty stream. Sorry, I didn't mean "dudes," sir, I meant "men." So we're here drinking this fishy water and I see that you've always got a can of something. We are all in this together with everything and I don't think that drinking water should be an exception.

What is in that can that we can't have that you can have? Admiral iced tea? With lemon?! You're smuggling in a constant stream of cans of iced tea with the money we're making from shrimping? That money is supposed to go to pay the men at the end of the season and you're buying cans of this tea when we go to land. Pallets of what? You're buying pallets of this stuff? With all due respect, sir, we're eating mashed potatoes and drinking fish water for days and you've got canned iced tea. That hardly seems fair. And steaks?! Sir. I'm afraid that this may be my last season on the ship. Office Depot is hiring. My cousin is the assistant manager and he said he could get me in the ink refilling department.

I would actually like a can, if you are offering. You know what, sir? This isn't too bad. It's lightly lemon and black tea. It doesn't taste terribly natural like something mama would make but it's not too bad. I don't think that I will buy it when we get to land, but it's light years better than the salty seawater we're drinking.

Admiral, we have been together for almost a decade and I respect you, but as I said, Office Depot is offering me a position in the fairly stagnant position of ink filler and I will probably be taking it at the end of this shrimp season. Thank you for the last ten years of your time and it has been an honor to work next to you. What's the difference between "letter" and "A4" paper? I'm going to have to study up.

To me lemon lime is a throwaway flavor. Sodas like Sprite or 7Up are always a last resort if that is all there is around. I don't think I have ever actually purchased anything lemon lime flavored if it wasn't for Thirsty Dudes. The flavor is boring in soda, and when it's the flavor of any other type of beverage it never tastes natural. Take this coconut water for instance. Everything in here is all natural, yet the lemon lime (specifically the lime, since that is what it is heavy on) reminds me of a freezie pop, without the harshness. It's surely not the flavor you should get if you mix a lemon and a lime together, even if you do add a lot of sugar. At least this is way more flavorful than lemon lime soda. The flavor keeps the taste of the coconut water to an aftertaste, even when it starts to warm up a little.

I just don't understand the science behind this flavor. Maybe I should just hang up my lab coat for good.

I drink a lot of unsweetened tea. I mean A LOT of unsweetened tea. I brew it myself and let it chill in the fridge before I enjoy it. The thing is that all of the tea I have thus far brewed has been either black or green tea. It's been so long since I've drank an unsweetened iced oolong tea that I have forgotten exactly how delicious it can be. Oolong has a much earthier taste to it than black and green tea. It's not the kind of tea that you would drink when you needed instant refreshment, but it is the type you would sip slowly and mull over the flavor as you relax. I will definitely be getting some tea bags to brew some myself.

My body is now filled with premium giant hornet DNA. I can fly through the air scaring people but really not doing any harm. I can hang out with other hornets and make nests in people's decks and only emerge from my slumber when people are having a backyard get together. I am now a hornet all thanks to an energy drink. Just one sip of this energy drink makes me cringe a little due to the super-sweetness but after a few more, I have become immune to the tartness and the sweetness and can now enjoy the strange, energy drink taste of it. I am energized enough to go build a giant hive in someone's garage when they aren't looking so when they get the skis out of it come winter, they will find a nice surprise. I am energized enough to watch Bee Movie and wonder what it would be like if they made a Hornet Movie and if it would really be any different and who would play me in it. I have the energy to do anything that a hornet would do and when I "come down" I will be a human again and will probably be quite lethargic and will stop being productive and probably just play video games. It makes you think...

Lemonade, plain old lemonade, is pretty quickly going the way of vanilla ice cream. "What am I talking about?" you say? Well it's just kind of old news. There are better things out there. Vanilla and lemonade are becoming so...basic. You just have to do so much to make them interesting. I guess that adding blueberry isn't that much but you feel me, right dogg?

This lemonade, albeit not really natural, isn't bad. It's blue, which I don't like because I hate things that turn my mouth blue. This doesn't do that, so I'm not counting it against it, but that's why I'm always fearful of blue drinks and candy. It doesn't have a bite like a true lemonade would but the lemon and blueberry flavor is pretty good. It's kind of in the middle of something like a blueberry lemonade popsicle and the juice that you would expect. It doesn't taste diet and doesn't taste bad. That is two wins.

Things I am not into include the newish style of music called Witch House of Witch Hop. It's basically slowed down hip-hop beats with “creepy” keyboards and vocals over them. It's similar to trip hop, which I am a fan of a handful of bands, but the vocals always make it sound like the tape is just playing at the wrong speed. A lot of it reminds me of music that would be in a David Lynch movie, but not as good. I have to say after reading my description, if I hadn't already heard it, I would instantly check it out. The Witch House band I hear about the most is Salem, which is where this drink is from, and more than likely where the style for their name from. Also like a lot of the music this soda is very smooth. It tastes like a nice smooth creamy root beer, except it's birch beer. Normally birch beer has a slight harshness to it, but that is not present at all in this bottle. It has a pretty standard birch beer flavor, but the smoothness is not normal with this flavor. I just wish the music was as good as the soda.

I just got back from my second camping trip of the week. I'm exhausted, hungry and filthy. I decided to put stuff away before I took care of my previously mentioned issues. As I was unloading the food and drinks that I brought, but didn't consume, I dropped with bottle of sparkling apple juice on the floor. I was glad that it didn't shatter, but when I picked it up the cap had come loose and juice was spraying out. Drinking this so it wouldn't be wasted took top priority.

I found these beverages at a natural food store in Richmond, VA. They were on sale, so I purchased the whole line. I'm glad I did, because they are superior beverages to most. Sometimes I get a need for soda. I just need it or I feel like I'm going to explode. It's not the flavor, but the bubbles and they way they feel going down my throat. I'm pretty sure I've mentioned this before, but too bad you can read it again. Sure I could stay healthy and just drink seltzer water when I get this itch, but I just can't get down with the weird flavor it has, no matter how often I try. Sonoma Sparkler's may not be as good for you as seltzer water, but it's apple juice that has been carbonated. There are no sweeteners or anything like that added. As a bonus the flavor is great. It obviously tastes like the sparkling apple juice non-drinkers like myself down on new years eve, except it's way better because it's just juice with no sugar, and it's still ultra sweet. Nature, she knew what she was doing when she made fruit. She also knew what she was doing when she made animals hide from me. I spent a bunch of time in the woods and I didn't see a single bear, beaver, bobcat, porcupine or otter. I feel cheated.

Do peaches need to shave? No other fruit is hairy. That's where my head goes. I've never been to counseling or to see a therapist and honestly, I think I wouldn't care if I had to go. I'd like to be analyzed. Where do these stories come from that we make up? I'm lumping Jay in this with me because we're on the same page with a lot of things. Peach honey tea that normal people would describe as something like, “it tastes good, peachy, and is lacking a bit of the aforementioned honey taste but still tastes like a decent peach tea.” I go the complete opposite direction and decide to talk about how peaches are the hippies, or me, of the fruit world. Anyone care to diagnose me? Where does that hair go when they make tea? If it's 100% natural you would think that little hairs would get in the drink and make it a little strange. I know they're little but there would be so many in there that it would account for something to eventually get stuck in your teeth. Do they run peach teas through the world's smallest holed filter to eliminate those bad boys? After that do they do something with that hair like make shirts or use them for some strange medicinal purpose? "I only use natural remedies and peach fuzz is great for my arthritis."

Yeah. I'm fine. This tea tastes like you think it would and loses in the non-confrontational battle between the Strawberry Dragonfruit. That's a legitimate/bad review right there.

This juice makes me want to stay in a hotel. Why? Two words: Continental Breakfast. Number one, the Lincoln Continental was a large boat of a car. The Continental Breakfast can range from cruddy doughnuts and a carton of orange juice to a smorgasbord of early morning delicacies including but not limited to:

• Pastries


• Bagels


• Breakfast Sandwiches


• Cereal

Another thing they have is juice. Sometimes they really raise the bar and have multiple types of juice like orange, pineapple, cranberry, and grape. This drink tastes like you are on a business trip to finally close the Johnson deal and you woke up, thirsty as ever. You go downstairs and they've got a sweet setup but they're running late on juice so you've got to mix. You pull a fifty-fifty with some pineapple and orange knowing it will be good and it is. You can taste the two mingling as if they're shaking hands closing deals with your taste buds. If they can do it, you can, too.

You go to your meeting, promptly impress the client, land the Johnson deal, get a big bonus and the admiration of your co-workers, and go buy yourself a nice new suit because you earned it all thanks to two juices that came together to satisfy your palate.