Last night at about 3am someone in the apartment I was staying at started blasting Madonna. Let's get something straight; the first couple of Madonna albums are incredible. They are some of the finest pop records I've ever heard. The thing is that no one wants to hear any music played that loud when all they want to do is sleep. Why do I bring this up? I'm glad you asked. I think that the song Borderline may have been written about this tea (well what she wants this drink to do). Unfortunately it never falls either way. It just keeps riding the fence. It tastes like pink grapefruit, but in kind of a fake way. With each sip I expect it to suddenly turn amazing or terrible, but it's just stuck in the middle. I really want the grapefruit to be stronger then I would be on a "Holiday."

Little known fact, but in Brewster's Millions there is a cut scene where Richard Pryer realizes that he still has one dollar left after the party. With seconds to spare he runs to the store and purchases a bottle of grape soda. An argument then ensues about whether the deposit counts as spending since he can get it back afterwards. Mr. Pryer then throws a right hook and yells "Deposit this!" The movie then cuts to the ending that everyone knows.

This is the grape soda he bought. The packaging was changed after the movie came out to celebrate it. Since the movie is now ancient, and most people who now drink soda have never even heard about it, drinkers are left scratching their heads about the name.

The soda may be good, but certainly not a million dollars worth of good. It's sweet and candy-like as most grape sodas are. The difference is the cane sugar doesn't leave such a sickly sweet aftertaste. I swear I can taste a hint of real grape that you don't get with most grape sodas. Now that I think about it, it was really good, maybe $5000 worth of good.

Ladies, ladies, no need to argue. You can both have what you want. Samantha, you can have a water and Carolyn, sorry, Caroline you can have a nice juice. Now look, I know you both didn't want to meet each other like thing, but I can assure you, no funny business is going on between any of us. Samantha, I enjoy your company because you like to go to the movies, and Caroline, I like to be with you because we go to fancy restaurants. Now although I didn't want you to ever meet each other, perhaps it's a good thing that you met my wife, my kids and I here at Applebees. It gives everyone a chance to air his or her grievances.

Honey, I know you're upset because I've been spending a lot of time at work when, in fact, I've been catching the latest summer blockbusters with Samantha. Samantha, I know you've been upset because I am always full and that's because a lot of times I just came back from dinner with Caroline. Caroline, I know you're at your wits end because I never want to stay over at your house and the answer to that is that I'm a married man and don't sleep around.

Sure, I entertain the company of several women, but I only love my wife, and that doesn't make me a monster, does it? Sure, I've been lying a bit, but it's just to keep you all apart so we don't ruin the good thing that we've got going. Speaking of good things, while I was at the store I picked up this Bot water. This is why I'm happy we can get together and I can please all of you at the same time. It's a blue plum flavor, which I have never heard of, and I'm a botanist. Apparently I'm not a good one. Right ladies? That was a joke. So anyhow, Samantha, you can drink this and be refreshed and quenched because you always drink a lot of water. Caroline, you love juice and order it whenever we go out to eat. Honey, you can drink this in its entirety and just plain old enjoy it because it's delicious. It's just sweet enough that you keep coming back for more. Also, ladies, you'll all come together on this, that it's not bad for you. If you all split this three ways, it would be less than twenty calories.

So lets all sit down, I'll have the waiter bring over one of those Ultimate Trios that we can all split and we can just talk. Ladies, you are all wonderful and since I've been honest, I can honestly hope that you will pick up the tab because I left my wallet in the car.

"Baby girl, you annoy me."
by Mike Literman

Why are you talking so loudly on the phone?
Are you upset that you aren't home?
The speaker is on and I can hear,
all of the complaints that you have to bear.
You hold the phone around your dumb head,
so everyone can hear what is said.
You are also pushing your baby in the middle of the street,
and for that, you should be beat.
You should calm down and drink Rob's iced tea with lemon,
or I'm going to have to ship you off to Yemen.
The drink is cool, natural, and fantastic,
Laura Palmer was wrapped in plastic.
The taste of the drink goes down so smooth,
Your scratchy throat induced from screaming needs to be soothed.
So girl walking in the middle of the street like a dumb dummy,
why don't you grab some of Rob's iced tea with lemon because it's nothing short of yummy.

Yeah, I know that I rhyme like a twelve years old boy. Guess what? I probably haven't written a poem since I was twelve so I'm right on track.

Things I've eaten today:
1. Raspberry yogurt. Good for you.
2. Deep fried chicken "Whopper" from a local pizza place. They are delicious, but not good for you.

So in order to meet myself in the middle with my daily nutrition guidelines, I decided on fruit punch. It's 100% of my vitamin C intake and probably has some other goodies in it. Here's the thing though. Sure, it's a HFCS jam, but it's got actual pear, orange, pineapple, grape, and apple juice in it. It is not bad and if you like fruit punch, you might want to grab this one because you will be surprised.

I did not have high hopes for it as it was on markdown and a place that already sells stuff on markdown, but look at me! I'm impressed.

I think Albert Einstein may be responsible for the "Arnold Palmer" because obviously a genius is behind it. I refuse to believe that a golfer had the intellect to produce such a great drink. Wow that sounded harsh. I have nothing against golf. It's boring to watch, but I bet I would really enjoy playing. So maybe Mr. Palmer did don an Einstein wig, go to his lab (aka his kitchen) and mix up a batch of wonderful.

I was aware that Calypso knew what they were doing with lemonades, but I didn't know they had such a firm grasp on tea until I tried the Teamonade line. This is one of the finest half and halfs I've ever tasted. Both flavors blend together great and while it is sweet, I don't feel like I'm instantly getting a cavity with every sip.

Perhaps this will make me give golf a fair shake. If I do I'll have to be sure I have a bottle of this out on the greens with me.

I've been on tour with Night Birds for a while now playing the roll of merch pusher. There are low times at the old merch table where boredom sets in. That is when I sit back and enjoy a nice frosty beverage. That is until some mutant shows up, having no interest in anything we're selling. They recognize that I am in a position where I have to stay at the table, making me an open ear to listen to any sort of insanity they choose to spout out of their food hole. Sometimes it's entertaining, but most of the time they are annoying and occasionally they truly creep me out. Today while an individual attacked me with his insights on The Beatles and the superiority of Domino's pizza, I told him I had to end the conversation in order to attend a date with a bottle of fruity soda. He looked at me dumbfounded as I turned around and popped the cap off this bottle of neon sugar water.

The pop was better than the conversation, but not much more interesting. I taste neither kiwi nor strawberries. It's a fruity sugar mixture. It's tasty but I can't place an exact flavor.

I've been drinking this soda and writing the review and crazy dude is still standing here waiting for me to finish. Now he wants me to touch his finger. Glorious.

Mint is a tricky game. When done right it can make you feel like you're the king of Refreshmentville. Just the slightest thing off can leave you feeling like you just popped a fresh stick of gum in your mouth before each sip. I find that the lime in mojitos seems to neutralize the mint a bit. Sadly I don't think it worked in this tea. It's a bit gum-ish for my liking, but the lime is also pretty strong. This is the first mojito that I've tasted that I didn't want to force everyone around me to drink.

Big bear. Big bear chase me. Big bear chase me until I buy his soda. I wasn't planning on buying this due to the plastic bottle and HFCS. I was told that it was really awesome and was pressured into it. I'm glad things happened that way. It's much better than other root beers in the same category. Black Bear is an accurate name because it tastes really dark. It's the closest I've ever had a "regular" pop come to tasting like a microbrew. I bet it would have calmed John Candy down after that bear chased him.

What was wrong with the old South? I mean, racism aside, it's been a pretty good place, right? Well, excluding all those floods, tornadoes, hurricanes, and all that stuff, too. You know what else is "wrong" with the south? This drink. It's bad. It's downright gross. It's super fake-tangy. It might at one time have been a legit company, but tasting this drink makes me want to write them off completely. Nothing in this bottle tastes sincere, like dating a girl with a killer body only to find out that tissue paper and Spandex made it that way. All that hard work was for nothing. Surprises. I don't know why, but I didn't like the looks of this drink the minute I laid my eyes on it. It does smell like lemonade but that sting that I get when I drink it...where does that come from? It's not a sour sting. It's a chemical sting. Like that sting you get from Brisk iced tea. What is that and where does it come from?

The South. Get your acts together. I'm sorry about your tragedies, but this is inexcusable.

This is such a weird drink. I really liked the Jamaica soda I had by Jarritos so I was excited to try this juice. The first I learned: I don't like the smell of hibiscus. Maybe other people like the smell of it, but to me it smells like a pile of dirty socks. Luckily it tastes much better than that. It's a sweet juice that is very close to a cherry taste. Unfortunately, the dirty socks smell creeps into my nose with every sip and takes away from the delicious taste. Someone really needs to de-stinkify this juice.

As I type this I am watching the Phil Spector documentary. As each minute passes he seems to become more and more insane. I also believe one of his parents may have been a fish, due to his facial features. He really doesn't even look human anymore.

None of that has anything to do with this soda, but wow is that dude crazy. This pop not so crazy, but it's really good. It's not often that you come across a cane sugar sweetened cream soda, especially a red one. When something like that comes along you hold on to it. You sip it slow and savor the sweet cream flavor. This has a great balance between sweet and vanilla. They apparently listened to Dave Gahan and "got the balance right."

If you're ever in southern Illinois you should search this out. A high quality local soda is something I can get behind.

It's so hot and humid. Being down in those mines isn't much better. Sure it's cooler, but the air is stale and I can't shake this cough that's come over me. Why on Earth did I let Cletus talk me into trekking out to California to mine for gold? That sonabitch couldn't even dig a well on his farm back in West Virginia. We've had absolutely no luck out here at all. We're pretty much out of money and food. Cletus keeps going on and on about this root that he found and he won't leave that stupid spring. Man this sun is oppressive. Cletus left that bottle of whatever it is over there. Screw him! I'm drinking it!

Holy crap! This is incredible! I don't know what Cletus did with this, but it's fantastic. It tastes like that root and a little bit of lemon. I shall call this Ginger Ale. It also has the faintest hint of a burn. It's sweet, but nowhere near overbearing. I bet in the future people will make a cheap knockoff of this and steal my name for it, even though it will be nowhere as good.
Cletus, screw this gold rush, let's sell this elixir!

Mouth: "Is this supposed to be water?"
Mama Fratelli: "It's wet, ain't it? Drink it!"

These thoughts were the first that came to mind as I saw this bottle in Wegmans today. The bottle of this isn't black, it's clear. The water itself is black. To quote blk.'s website:

"Our proprietary blend of Fulvic Acid (a derivative of plant matter) is mined from an 80 million year old source deep within the earth. Naturally black in color, the formula binds to the molecules of our pure Canadian Spring Water turning it naturally black, with no artificial dyes, coloring, or additives. Fulvic Acid is critical in growth of plant life, helping the transportation and absorption of nutrients. Fulvic Acid's small molecular structure allows for the fast absorption of over 77 different trace minerals and elements, powerful electrolytes, antioxidants, and free radical scavengers."

So yeah, this is black water. Pretty weird huh? I was expecting a sulfur smell upon opening the bottle, but it was just as odorless as normal water. As for taste, I was hoping for a charcoal aftertaste. Was there any? Nope. It sadly tastes just like any other water. It's pretty refreshing, and is good spring water. Unfortunately I don't have the palate to know the difference in different brands of spring water. The one thing that's interesting is that it has 30mg of sodium in the bottle, which I assume is naturally occurring from the minerals in it.

blk.'s tagline is "Enjoy the Dark Side of Water". I can only assume they hope this will be big in the goth community. If this is actually better for you than traditional water like they say it is, I'd drink this over boring clear water everyday.

It's always great to be able to sample local drinks when you're visiting other cities. I have to say that when you're in St Louis you should drink Fitz's root beer. It's has a fairly standard flavor. There's nothing fancy about it, but it does have a solid taste. It's in the same vein as your "major label" pops, but of a way higher quality. The use of cane sugar alone makes it superior. It did make my tongue feel slightly numb, but that just makes the drinking experience more exciting.

The thing about caffeine is that it makes me go a mile-a-minute and makes my hands go even faster. My typing of this review could break land speed records but the efficiency in which I type would make poor Mavis Beacon throw up. I'm more concerned with slamming down keys with speed rather than spelling things correctly and hitting that blasted "Backspace" key just slows me down. No, I'm not going to leave you with some unintelligible mess because that would be reckless.

Years ago, I used to work at a local grocery store. I didn't hate it, but I hated the focus that management, or as some like to refer to as "the man", had. See, cashiers are the end of the shopping experience. It's my face that would win or break their shopping experience and it was my awesome attitude and demeanor that would win your heart forever. Since "the man" wanted me to be faster and talk less, I was more of a machine than a person. This I didn't like. I could cash and bag just as fast if I could talk but no. Punch in. Punch out. Speed not service. That really bothered me. Had I known about this product, I would have drunk one before every shift and set the place ablaze. I would have rung your entire order of 251 products before you could get them all out of the cart. I would intrude on your personal space and start taking things out of your cart. I would have no regard for your safety and put things like raw chicken in with your baby toys and put laundry detergent in with your apples and not care. It's all about speed, after all, right? Safety comes second to speed. I would sneak off right at the start of a shift, grab a glass, fill it with approximately 12 - 16 ounces of water, stir in this powder and knock a shift out.

I didn't hate the flavor. It wasn't any different than the other Celsius flavors so if you love them, you've got another one that you can fit in any drawer you can throw at it. If you haven't had any Celsius drinks, they're a little bitey but that's the sucralose. Flavor-wise they're on par with most diet drinks, which is good because you can't taste that you're basically drinking straight caffeine. You could taste the berry and if I had one complaint, it would be that it didn't really mix well. It's not old stock and it clumped a little bit, but it didn't really taste any different when I was drinking it.

So if you are in the business where you've got to do repetitious tasks and you don't have to be terribly precise, this could be the product for you. My hands are going to cramp up and my keyboard is going to start smoking any minute.

File this one under "I drank it because it was free". Regular A&W root beer is a fine, generic root beer. It's a step above most store brand root beers, but a diet version of an already mediocre drink? Bad news. This taste like someone dumped dish soap into a can of perfectly fine root beer. I'm sure there are some people who wouldn't mind the taste of this, but I'm not one of them. The only reason why I'm finishing this can is because I don't want to be rude and dump it.

When I picked this up I really thought it was boner juice. It's called "Sin", it's a "vitality" drink, and the can says, "Embrace the night. Drink in sin." That spells sexual debauchery to a level that Greg Dulli would approve. Turns out it's just a diet energy drink. There is nothing debaucherous about diet. It means the opposite. It tastes like a diet Sprite, with a hint of energy chemicals in it.

I can imagine their advertising campaign now. Obviously Adam and Eve are in it, fig leaves and all. There is a giant snake coming down from a tree with a can of the drink wrapped in its coils tempting the first couple. If it were boner juice it would have gone one way, but since it's an energy drink it would be them all spry and full of energy escaping God's wrath and running away from him before he can kick them out of the garden. Sacrilege? Maybe, but I certainly don't mind.

Dear Grandmammy,

I've missed you. Ever since I moved to the big city, I haven't seen you. Let me tell you a little bit about the city. There are cars all over the street and people walking around and tall buildings. Everyone wears hats, which is a little strange, but it happens. To move from the country to the city was quite a feat. I mean, sure, I only had a few things; button down shirt, one pair of shoes, a pad of paper, and some toiletries. One suitcase is all I ever need.

The reason that I am writing you is that the city is stocked with some fancy teas. Not just black tea with milk and sugar for me, gram gram. They've got this stuff that is rose flavored green tea. It reminds me of you because it smells like you. I mean that in a good way. It's bitter, which is what green tea is supposed to taste like, or so I've been told. The taste is like I'm drinking this newfangled green tea through a bed of roses. It reminds me of that stuff daddy brought back from his trip to India for work except it was way tamer.

So I guess what I'm saying is that I don't need you anymore. I've grown up into a man and have replaced everyone I know with stuff from around the city so I'm not so homesick. I've met some kids around town that ride motorcycles and has a lot of tattoos and I think that I'm going to start to run with them. They seem like nice enough sorts.

Love,
Travis Tuffguy (formerly known as Travis Sprinkles)

It's such a nice day out. I'm glad we came out to the old farm to pick some berries. It's a bummer that the strawberries aren't ready yet, but there sure is a ridiculous amount of raspberries out here. Man it's getting hot out and this bucket is getting pretty full. Let's take a break. Why don't we bust open that bubbly water you brought. The cap is stuck? Stop being such a baby and give it here. Oh man that is on their tight. I think it's giving.....oh jeeze I spilled it all over the berries, and dropped the bottle on top of them. Now all the berries are crushed. Why did you have your soda water in a lead bottle anyways? Haven't you ever heard of lead poisoning? Do you like eating paint chips? Well I'm still parched so I'm going to pour some of it from the bucket back into that bottle of yours. It's obviously going to be the death of me. Oh wow the raspberries flavored the soda water. It's pretty awesome. Give me a couple of packets of sugar you have in your pocket. Don't play dumb with me. I saw you take them at the diner. You're going to have so many cavities eating all that sugar. I was right, that was just what this needed. We should probably bottle and sell this stuff. I know it'll only be seasonal, but it's really great. I could drink it all the time. It's much better than those other pops we made. They always seemed to have a weird aftertaste. Oh no! Here comes farmer Johnson with his shotgun. I told you we should have stolen his fruit at night. Run!