I have been searching for this for a long, long time. No lie, like close to 15 years. I always hoped to stumble upon it in some random store while traveling around. I eventually found a handful of places online where you could order "rare" sodas, but they were always out of stock of the blue Brain Wash. I was certain that this drink had gone the way of Crystal Pepsi, Orbits, and Ecto Cooler. On a recent trip to Soda Pop Central up in Canada I was shocked to find a bunch of bottles of it. I grabbed a couple (along with four assorted cases) and hit the road giddy as a small child.

Like many things in life, when you search for it for long enough you build up these absolutely crazy expectations for it. Once I'd get my hands on a bottle that "no woman person in the history of the world is having drinking better sex soda than the sex soda you are having drinking with Ian Brainwash... in my head. That was the worst paraphrase in the history of this site, for the record. As it turns out it's still decent, but it did not live up to the holiness I had built up in my head. It tastes like liquid Smarties mixed with some low-grade chemical acid. I blame the burning acid burning to the jalapeno oil that is listed in the ingredients. I am a glutton for drinks that have a burn to them (I drank a bottle of Prometheus Springs' Lemon Ginger earlier in the day) so I really enjoyed that aspect of the soda.

It also stains everything it comes in contact with blue. I'm not just talking like how Blow Pops stain your tongue blue. After I drank the bottle I looked in the mirror and my tongue appeared to have a thick layer of bright teal paint on it. It was completely solid looking. This drink did a better job painting my tongue than I did painting the walls of my bedroom.

Here is a final thought for you. I now believe that I could not find bottles of this anywhere because Mr. Brainwash of "Exit Through the Gift Shop" fame purchased all that he could find. He then pounded the lot of them and that is how he became insane. I think there's a documentary specifically about that. Seriously, it's streaming on Netflix right now.

I don't like strip clubs. I've been to two in my lifetime and I'm fine with that. I like to look at girls as much as the next dude, but something about looking at one with other people seems creepy. You can't touch them so all you can do is look. Seems pointless. You can see the same thing in a Sears ad every weekend. Seriously, you can. It's really not a big deal. Dudes go and drop thousands of dollars and for what? To think that some girl likes you because you had money before you rudely threw it at her? There in an infinite amount of things I would rather do than go to a lunch buffet at a strip club. Burger King, for one. Honestly, do you know what would make a Whopper more awesome? Not much, I know, but this tea can't hurt. It's not like it has complimentary flavors or ingredients, it's just really good. You taste the plums right off the bat. Second comes pomegranate, all while being mixed in a nicely brewed green tea.

I really like Tazo because they not only use natural ingredients, but they clearly have fun. Seriously?
Brambleberry? Made up, but it's interesting. Thank you, Tazo, for the taste voyage you put me on and we've got a long ways to go before we're to the end of your street.

Dudes, if you're at a strip club and you're reading this; go home to your wife and kids. If you would spend more time with your possibly attractive wife and kids, you might all get along more than you know. Plus, your wife will let you touch her hogans so that's already a plus one for the "family man".

I have a love/hate relationship with grapefruit. I really don't like it in fruit form. I have eaten pieces of grapefruit, but have never consumed a whole one. Even the pieces I ate, I didn't enjoy that much. Drinks and candy flavored like grapefruit, that's another story. I absolutely love them! Which is why I was drawn to this bottle. Also, the word "new" on a bottle is an exciting thing for us to see.

I honestly wasn't expecting much out of this, seeing as it looks like a generic citrus soda bottled by the folks at Pepsi. It's a little lighter tasting than Squirt, but it's nothing special. I'm holding out for a citrus/grapefruit soda that is really tart.

Ladies, gentlemen, councilmen, Mr. President, your highness, or whoever it is that makes any sort of decision for the country of Austria. We have a dilemma on our hands. Our country has found itself without a national drink. Yes general I know we consume way more Coca-Cola than we really should, but let's face it Coke is everywhere. There's really nothing about it that shouts Austria. No headmaster. Bundaberg Ginger Beer simply will not work, as it's made in Australia, not Austria. Do you even know what country you live in? Seriously. We need something unique. Something that people can't get in any little market over in Germany. I'm sick of them stealing the spotlight. I want to have something that will make us shine brighter! Hey, what was it that Archduke Ferdinand was always drinking before his untimely demise? Alma matter? Alms to the poor? No, that's not it. Oh yes Almdudler! All in Favor? Anyone opposed? There we have it from here on our Almdudler will now be the national drink of Austria!

When you're dealing with a beverage that makes a claim of being the national drink of anything you get some crazy ideas of what it might taste like. Especially when it's called "Krauterlimonade," which my friend Nina says translates to "cabbage lemonade." I really don't know what I expected it to taste like. So many different ideas entered my mind. Not many of them seemed appealing. After I drank it I did some research and found out that Nina would have been correct in her translation if it weren't for that little "er." Those two little letters change the definition to "small-timer." I still don't know what that has to do with this drink.

As the drink first hit my taste buds I thought it was going to be a ginger ale, but that thought quickly faded. I thought I detected some apple, like in an apple malt soda, but I wasn't exactly sure. As the previously mentioned Nina put it "This tastes like nothing more than water does." It tastes sweet, but the sweetness passes soon. I Wikied it to discover that it's a mix of apple and grape flavors. If that's what it is then Austria has some pretty weak fruit on its hands.

The fact that it doesn't really taste like much of anything is actually extremely appealing. I've just about finished this bottle, and I already find myself bummed that I don't have any more after this. It's something that I really, really enjoy. On top of the strange awesome lack of flavor this also has a nice unique bottle.

Yeah, it's just chocolate milk, mom. You don't understand what it's like. Do you know what it is like to be 13? It's hard. You've got girls and homework. Well...yeah, you might have had girls and homework, too. And you had to ride in cars without seat belts? Well whatever, mom. It's 2011 and everything is harder. This chocolate milk isn't even from here. It's from the Netherlands. I don't even know what it is. It's illegal to have in this country. Oh, you just can't sell it here, but it's fine if it comes in? Well, check it out. Glass bottle. Oh, everything you had was in a glass bottle? You must have had it rough? Do you want to share this Chocomel? It's pretty good. It's like a real Nesquik. It's not as creamy but tastes more natural. You know what? I know I'm all grown up at 13, but you're pretty cool, even if you do drive a minivan. Oh, you had to sell your motorcycle when you had me? Sorry, man, you're tough.

I have a romantic interest in the state of Wisconsin. Not a person that resides in the state, but with the actual state itself. It's a different world up there, full of amazing people. Every time I've been there on tour it's been nothing but good times. Okay there was that one time when fake Nazis smashed some of our records and my friend pulled a knife on them, but other then that, bright blue skies. It all started when I was in high school and Kevyn and I played Madden football on Playstation. I was always the Packers, or the Pack, for no real reason. It was my go to team, and it instilled a pride in the state of WI for me. On the first tour that took me to this magical state the obscenity of everyone's fascination with Brett Favre was out of control. The news had a nightly segment where they just showed a random picture of him. Hysterical. The night we were there it was him on a riding lawn mower. That started jokes of tattoos of him on the lawnmower wearing a cheese head and holding a beer in one hand and a brat in the other. Now that's comedy. Wisconsin is also home to Woodman's Food Markets. It's the only grocery store I've ever been to that even comes close to the greatness that is Wegmans.

Now that you know my love of Wisconsin you why I picked up this bottle of soda. It's "A Wisconsin Tradition." I don't know what oranges have to do with the northern mid-west, but I'm not going to argue. It's not the world's greatest orange soda, as it doesn't exactly taste like an orange, but it does stand above your everyday Crush, Sunkist or Fanta. It's sweet and smooth. No harshness at all. It's as if someone removed the vanilla from a cream soda, but the smoothness remained. Wisconsin don't ever change. You are a gem.

As far as I'm concerned as of today winter is finally over in Buffalo. It was 50 degrees and sunny. Not a cloud in the sky. To celebrate I went on my first decent bike ride of the year. I was planning on just doing a little ride, but every time I reached a destination I decided to keep going. By the time I had listened to Bowie's Ziggy Stardust and Aladdin Sane was coming to an end 14 miles had passed and I was at my front door. From here on out I will solely use David Bowie albums to measure distance. It's the new science. Can you feel it on the horizon?

Before I left on this little adventure I decided it was as good a time as any to try out a Celsius drink aka "Your ultimate fitness partner." It's a mostly natural drink that promises to burn calories, reduce body fat, build lean muscle and give you lasting energy. By the end of my ride I was toned and semi-ripped like Michelangelo's sculpture of David. I'm talking like busting out of my shirt muscular. I'm a scientist, so I cannot tell a lie. That's part of the scientific oath right? I know I had you all convinced that I now look like Mr. Universe era Arnold Schwarzenegger, but truth be told I still look like a semi-dumpy 30 year old from Buffalo. I did have a decent amount of energy on the ride, and I feel way better than I expected to after not really riding in the past 5-6 months (yes our stupid winter can really last that long). So the drink has that going for it.

As for the flavor of it, when I took my first sip I was shocked at how good of a ginger ale taste it had. Within half a second I changed my mind as the diet hell of sucralose set in. Bear in mind that I have no tongue for diet drinks. I know there is a whole world of people out there that don't mind them. If you are one of those people and you're trying to lose weight, or put on some muscle, give this a chance. I think you will be pleasantly pleased with this ginger ale.

I didn't know, but did you know that in Europe, their lemonade is carbonated? Here is the good ol' U.S. of A, we don't carbonate it, nor do we offer the ability to get it. Here, we have it on lockdown. No bubbles or sparkles. Restrictive? I don't know. I think a little variation might be good. For this variation, I need to look no further. This San P is wonderful. I don't like the "original" flavor of San P. It's bitter. This is a little bitter, but a natural fruit bitter, not seltzer water bitter. My mom used to drink that stuff and it used to be gross. This, I feel like I could drink all of the day. It's a great lemon taste with just enough sugar that you don't feel guilty for slaying the whole can, but why should you? You're your own person and you dictate your life and if you want to drink a "whole can" of this in one sitting, hey, that's your nightmare, Jack.

I can't pick a favorite between this and the Aranciata. I do like them both better than the Chinotto, though.

Ladies and gentlemen I'd like to be the first to thank you for coming to this ceremony and for purchasing this bottle of Under Way. It brings joy to my heart that all of you purchased this beverage in order to help out with breast cancer awareness. As you know breast cancer is a horrible thing, but by purchasing this drink you are.....wait....what? Under Way has nothing to do with awareness? Why on Earth did they use that pink color for the bottle then? Don't they know that that specific pink is reserved for breast cancer and penicillin? Did they want people to think of antibiotics when they drink this? Oh.....it's a Canadian company. I guess that makes sense.

Even though it's packaging is completely misleading in my world, the drink itself is fairly decent. The diet taste is only slight. The acai and pomegranate flavors overpower it nicely. I don't know how a Canadian drink made it's way down to a U.S. discount store, but it did, and I drank it, and I enjoyed it.

Tonight, I was accompanied by a tickle in my throat. It was an unwelcome guest that I couldn't get rid of fast enough. I didn't ask for it, and it's not like I didn't drink anything all day. I drank many glasses of tea and no water. I know, I should drink more water, but it's hard when there is tea in the fridge. It's unsweetened tea, so I don't want to hear anything from dentists, dentist apprentices which just occurred to me is a pretty killer rhyme but I don't know where I would use it in a rap lyric, or any other profession that cares about teeth. I don't need you professionals or 2-week course takers telling me what to do. I know what's going on in my mouth and although I don't floss as much as I would like/need, I eventually get around to it and if you accompany me on the bus in the morning, you will rate me in the high percentile of dental hygiene. Seriously, there was a dude on the train last month in 20-degree weather sweating profusely in only an unzipped hoodie. So don't tell me.

While you're not telling me anything, don't tell me that I should have had a key lime pie by now because some people just don't have time to experiment with new pie flavors when there are apple and pumpkin pie lying around to be eaten. That being said, I have had key lime jellybeans and although they're not my favorite, they're not terrible and I feel, a fair representation of the general idea behind key lime. This drink was pretty good. It was lighter than the
grape Bot drink, but this was more quenching and less juice. It was good. Light on the flavor, lighter on the sweetness, and quite fulfilling for what I needed it for, the aforementioned throat tickler.

My throat is now fine and I owe it all to you, Bot. Thanks.

I think it's funny when companies decide to put a name on a drink but not mention the flavor. Because of this, our database says this flavor is 'Vengence'. What exactly does vengeance taste like? If I had to guess by the color of the fonts and the liquid inside the can, I would say this would taste like green apple. In a way I was right, but also wrong.

It's pretty easy to recreate the taste. All you need is a sour green apple Jolly Rancher and a friend. First, put the Jolly Rancher in your mouth. After a few seconds, have your friend punch you in the stomach really hard. This is what this drink tastes like, plain and simple.

For years Arizona has run the tallboy can of tea game. They were fairly unchallenged. Peace Tea was a contender, but their drinks always left something to be desired. Xing Tea has now officially issued a challenge to Arizona. Just like in Mike Tyson's Punch Out you can't just come right out and fight the champ. You have to fight your way up the ranks. In the first two fights Xing held it's own. In all honesty when you're fighting the Glass Joe and Von Kaiser of iced teas you really don't need to put up much of a fight to get them down. In the third fight Xing's sweet tea went up against iced tea's version of Piston Honda. It was a long, drawn out fight but it ended with a TKO in favor of Xing when it noticed his eyebrow movements. After that Xing really started to shine. It plowed its way through its opponents, even beating that annoying fat slob King Hippo. He definitely would be some sort of ghetto tea that's over-saturated with high fructose corn syrup.

Finally we are at the here and now. Xing is going to be battling against Great Tiger. I always hated that guy. He was always a thorn in my side via video game boxing. Xing has trained well and has put forth its best mango effort for this match. This is a smart tea. It's really sweet, but you can tell by taste and consistency that it's cane sugar sweet. It tastes like a summer sweet tea made with green tea instead of black. The mango flavor is attentive. It's knows when to hit Great Tiger's jewel with it's bite and when to hold back and block his teleportation attack. It's these great moves that helped Xing win this battle as well.

Xing still has a long way to the title fight, but if it keeps making the moves it's been making, it will be going toe to toe with Arizona Black & White in no time.

I no nothing about nutrition aside from the standard things:
1. Don't each too much sugar
2. Eat in moderation
3. Chocolate gives you zits
4. When you eat too much, you get fat.
5. Diabetes is bad
6. Working out is good.

I don't know anything about flax seed. I asked my boss, who knows his share of fitness, and he said that flax seed is like a miracle food and it is high in fat, fiber, and protein. From what I would imagine, good fat, good fiber, and good protein. Now that we've dissected what this drink embodies, let's get right down the Jay's favorite new saying, brass tacks.

This is good. It's strange, though. Good strange, just different. It's viscous, almost syrupy. Thick even. This does not make it bad. It almost tastes like a Pannela type drink. It's sweet and doesn't have any of the "fish oil" taste, which according to my boss is frequently occurring in flax seed. Think of this as a light lemon honey tea. Do you like that? Then you'll like it.

This could not look more like a wine bottle. I had to read the entire bottle several times before I was fully convinced that it was not. Just because I don't drink alcohol doesn't mean that I can't be fancy. I busted out one of my roommates fancy wine glasses and poured myself a glass. Not too big mind you, as the bottle recommends you drink only 2 ounces twice daily.

It may not be wine, but it is some of the most potent juice I've ever come across. The prime flavor in the juice is definitely the acai. There is a whole lot of it in each sip. It is combined with 18 other fruits and mashed into this wonderful bottle. There are a lot of fruits present that I have never heard of before such as aronia, maqui, sea buckthorn, boabab, cupuacu, bilberry, jabuticaba. A lot of those words just seem made up. They are apparently magical fruits that are "scientifically proven to strengthen the body's immune defenses." As I said before it's a strong juice. It's the kind of juice that you can tell it has to be doing wonders for your health just from the taste. I don't mean it tastes bad at all, but you can just imagine the fruits putting on their armor and taking up their swords and going to war against all the nastiness in your body. I wonder if buckthorn rides a horse in battle.

What is up with all of these political sodas? Leninade, Not See Kola, and now Red Cola. I had no idea that soda was such a strong propaganda tool. Imagine political leaders standing at the podium, giving their speeches. Instead of emphasizing with a fist, or a thumb gesture, the one in power shakes a bottle of soda. As the speech reaches its crescendo the bottle is opened and the built up carbonation sprays everywhere as cheers explode from the crowd.

It's has a pretty normal cola flavor with a bit of a burn to it. I didn't realize it at first, but the further I got into the bottle the more I felt it in my gut. I expected it to be a cherry cola from the name. You know a little wacky word play, but nope just straight up cola that has a red coloring to it.

I still don't really know what cola has to do with communism, but hey if it helps our proletariat brothers who am I to argue.

The great argument of what the greatest sketch comedy of all time is. Many would say Saturday Night Live. While I think it has its high points, it's never really held my attention much as a whole. There have been too many mediocre to bad seasons and cast members. For me it's a toss up between The State and Kids in the Hall. No matter how many times I watch the handful of seasons that each troupe had I always end up hysterically laughing. Those who say Mad TV, well they should just be institutionalized. That is one of the least funny shows to ever be produced.

You may be asking yourself "Self, what does sketch comedy have to do with guava juice?" The answer is that parrots remind me of the Kids in the Hall skit where Mark McKinney is a beaten down husband. His wife, played by Dave Foley, is about to leave for the day and is giving him instructions. He only answers with "Yes dear," which is then echoed by their pet parrot. In the end it seems that the parrot has more say than him and he suffers a break down. With each sip I took I heard the parrot say, "Yes dear" in my inner monologue. I say, "Yes dear" indeed. This is a nice juice. Things that come in large cans tend to be fairly cheap and chock full of cheap sweeteners and artificial flavors. This is actually made with real juice and cane sugar. It may only be 30% juice, but that is more than I would have expected it to contain. I love the way guava tastes. It's a fruit that I think the world needs to reexamine and use more.

Way back when we restarted this wonderful, award winning website, I found a plethora of Xing Tea at a bodega in a multi-floor mall in Baltimore. I wanted two, but had to buy three since they had some stupid/ridiculous/unlawful minimum credit card rate. My girlfriend went to my parent's house and came back with a bag full of Xing and I was clearly excited. I wanted to start with blueberry and since I do what I want because I'm a man, I did just that. I've also had dreadlocks for a week and a half, got a Smith's chest tattoo, bought two corgi's, and filled a hole in my basement foundation with "Great Stuff" rather than becoming a professional mason and fixing it the right way. These are all examples of things I've done because I can do what I want.

This tea, a newcomer to my list of fallback delicious drinks, is simple magnificent. It's got a great blueberry taste. It's sweet, but it's a great, pure cane sugar taste. Not a whole lot of green tea flavor, but I don't miss it, honestly. If it was swapped with a black tea, I could probably tell, but since the sugar and the blueberry is so sweet, it's overpowered.

If this was on a shelf and I didn't see anything else that I haven't drank, I wouldn't hesitate to buy it. I often feel guilty for buying "old" drinks when I've got shelves of "new" drinks at home that need to be reviewed, but if I find myself riding my bike this summer, come across a store that sells this drink, it will be in my hand as quickly as can be. You have my word, son.

Of all the alt-milks out there, almond milk is by far my favorite. It's smooth and doesn't taste watery or chalky. As far as vegan chocolate milk goes, this is the best. It's super rich and delicious and makes me wish I had Oreos to dip into it. I don't know why I only buy this every few months. When I have it in the fridge it rarely lasts longer than a few days.

An energy drink exists that doesn't taste like battery acid? No way! That can't be. The second ingredient in this is apple juice, which is exactly what this taste like, apple juice energy drink. Doesn't sound that appealing does it? If I had gone into this drink knowing it I probably would have had my doubts too. But it's actually not that bad, and I'm not the biggest fan of apple juice. Growing up, it was always the juice of choice in the fridge due to the low cost. This taste exactly like that cheap apple juice, but with carbonation and lots of caffeine added. Worlds better than most energy drinks.

Mr. President I appreciate you taking me out to dinner. I even appreciate that you took me to this world-class steak house, even though I'm a vegetarian. Oh don't worry, how could you have known. You're too busy you know with running the free world. What's that? You are also pitching for the New York Yankees now as well? Well sir you have quite the full plate. Color me impressed. How did you ever get that gig? Oh of course you threw the opening pitch of the season and impressed the entire team. Makes sense. I still don't understand why you took me out to diner to begin with, but don't worry about me, I'm sure I'll find something on the menu I can eat. Oh look there's a salad. Oh it's got fruit on it. That's sounds good. You just order a steak and enjoy that. I'll fill up on leafy goodness.
*25 minutes pass and the waiter brings out two glasses*
Well that sure was a long time to get our drink orders. Wait, what? You mean to tell me that this is some fancy upscale modern restaurant where they serve all of their food in a liquid form? Hmm. Oh well, down the hatch. Well as far as liquid salads go this isn't too bad. I mean at least the chef had the good sense now to include the salad dressing. The strange thing is that it's not the vegetables that are throwing me off. They are pretty faint tasting. It's the pears. It's such a strong flavor it takes away from the veggies. Also why did he add sugar to this? I think a nice pureed veggie juice would be much better than this. Okay I was wrong before. This isn't very good. It's pretty gross, but I can assure you that it has be better than that glass of liquefied meat you will soon be drinking. I wish you the best of luck with that and your game against the Red Sox tomorrow Mr. President.