I've never been to Old Faithful. I wonder what it's like. Probably boring for like 90% of the time and then, and only one and a half times, it's awesome when "Old Faithful" spits up water. Can you get the water on you? Does it smell? Is it sulfur water? When I was in college, I dated a girl called Becky and she lived in Clifton Park, a suburb of Albany. We took a "day trip" to Saratoga Springs, home of the racetrack and sulfur springs. In the center of the town they have a record store which I bought my first Boards Of Canada EP which I think was called "Music Has the Right To Children" which I just discovered is one of my two misplaces/stolen/lost Boards Of Canada record along with "Geogaddi" and a drinking fountain. I thought to myself, "Look at all those other people drinking out of that fountain. I think I'm thirsty enough to drink out of it myself." So I wander over there, wait in the queue and take a bit sip and...gross. What Becky failed to tell me is that it was a sulfur spring and that's why it both smelled and tasted like farts.

Old Faithful root beer does not smell, or taste, like a fart. It tastes gosh darn delicious. This is one of the best root beers that I have ever had. My girlfriend said that it was too spicy, but I didn't think so. It was very "homemade" tasting. Very bold flavors and a very strong root beer taste. I liked that it wasn't at all weak, probably much like the pressure that builds up inside Old Faithful every whatever duration she so faithfully spits up at. It had an excellent bite and it invited you back for more with every sip. I liked it. Saratoga Springs on the other hand, if it wasn't for that record store and that wonderful hole in the wall called "Esperantos", I would have written you off years ago.

Some drinks are hard to review. They are good, but I don't know what to say about them. I really, really like this tea. I've actually drunk a couple of them over the past few days since they were on sale for $.70 each. It's bitter because of the mate, and because like a lot of the Honest teas it's "just a tad sweet." The maqui adds a slight berry taste, but it blends in so well with the mate that you don't even notice it's there. They are packed full of antioxidants, so you're upping your health with each sip. I really wish I had something more interesting to say about this. It's just a solid drink. I'm going to end up drinking a lot of these. Maybe I'll think of something more to add after drinking it again.

If I had to use one word to describe this drink it would be "hammock." It's the kind of drink you should be sipping while gently swaying in a hammock outside of your private bungalow on a tropical island. The salty sea breeze cooling the sweat on your brow as your monkey butler comes out to refill your glass and fan you with giant palm leaves. That monkey sure knows how to make a good juice. Even his tiny primate brain understands that a pure passion fruit juice would be way to harsh to enjoy. He watered it down a little bit, added a dash of sugar, and put it on ice. It's strong and sweet just the way you like it. Now lay back down and let the sound of those waves lull you to sleep.

In the movie Pretty In Pink, Duckie eventually gets the girl. You didn't think he would. Face it. What did he have to offer? Sure, he was a bit charismatic, but that's about it. He wasn't much to look at, and at best he was a dweeb. He knew music. That was another thing. That whole sing-along in the record store was absurd and if I were a girl, I would have written him off for a lifetime. Molly Ringwald, though, she's a forgiving and understanding girl.

This root beer is like Duckie in that I thought it was going to suck, but was actually pretty good. It has a pretty good, honest rooty root beer taste. No, I'm not saying "rooty root" to be cute. If it's cute, I apologize. I just did my best at describing it. I think it's pretty on par to root beer barrels, which I like.

Dearest Duckie/Jon Cryer,
I'm sorry that your show got canceled. It wasn't your fault. I didn't have a taste for it, but you brought laughter to the hearts of millions night after night (due to syndication) and you did a good job. Now twice. Congratulations on spreading happiness through multiple decades.

I have never met anyone who loves fruit punch. Fruit punch is the flavor you settle for when nothing else sounds good. Many times I have chosen the taste of water over fruit punch. Considering all this, I wasn't expecting much from this soda. As far as fruit punch sodas go, this is the best one I've ever had, but that is not saying much. The thing I hate most about fruit punch is that it's impossible to distinguish any single dominant flavor. Strawberry maybe, but I have my doubts.

The Honest company knows what they are doing when it comes to iced teas. We even used their teas for the picture of us pounding drinks in our header. It looks like they are now trying their hand at some 0 calorie teas. They seem to know what they are doing with that as well.

This has that tell tale diet taste to it, but it's mellowed out nicely by the green tea and the passion fruit. To be honest, I don't know why they don't just eliminate the sweeteners completely from diet drinks. Instead they add either artificial or in this case stevia. Sure stevia is much better than those gross artificial sweeteners, but it just seems unnecessary. If someone is on a diet, they should be able to live without sweeteners in their tea. Unsweetened tea is delicious. A lot of the time I prefer it to the sweetened variety. If you're trying to lose weight, make some sacrifices. Not only will it be healthier for you, it will also taste better.

Unfortunately the rest of the world doesn't agree with that, so companies have to step it up. Honest Tea did a great job here.

Let me walk you through a typical drink quest between Jay and myself. We hop in one of our respective cars and drive to where we think we haven't been before. We go to places you wouldn't dream of, east side type places. Oh your east side is nice? Then places like your west side. Our east side is bad. The late Walter Matthau couldn't have done squat with these kids. Rumor and probably some fact says that there was a racist city developer who said something along the lines of "Let's separate the whites from the blacks" and just put an expressway right down the center of our fair city. After that happen, the West Side flourished and the East Side crumbled and the line is virtually uninhabitable because we all know that no one wants to live "on the cusp" of danger or safety.

So Jay and I go to these places to get drinks. While the West Side has a lot of bodegas and markets, the East Side is uncharted waters to most and we try and get through it unscathed and with drinks in hand. This is just a little back-story on our dedication. We put our lives at stake to get juice, dude. We're serious as a heart attack.

We found this little guy and another one on our last adventure. We were excited to find a nice fruit juice with cane sugar and an adequate amount of real juice. 30%. That's almost a third of the contents. Credit where credit's due. The drink has many a flavor in the ingredients, but not all of them are evenly represented to the palate. Here's my personal taste breakdown from sip to swallow:

Banana -> Passion Fruit -> Orange -> (maybe) Guava.

I don't get pineapple or apple. I don't hate it. It's very fruity and very tropical. Pour this drink, which is written in both English and Spanish but made in Taiwan for some reason, into a coconut and call it a day.

Can we all be honest here for a moment? Let's all just admit that the Lipton Brisk line was one of the biggest blunders in the history of tea. Sure it probably made them millions of dollars, but at what cost? A world of children now think that iced tea is actually just sugar water. Seriously brisk doesn't even taste like iced tea. It's just some ghetto sugar drink. It's something you should find in gallon containers at your local mini mart. I need to sit down and look at the ingredients, but I bet there's not actual tea in it at all. Ugh!

Brisk had me turned off from Lipton for years. Yesterday while hiking we stopped at a small town gas station for refreshments. They had one of the worst selections of drinks I've ever seen, but hey it was a very, very small town, so I can't really expect much. I saw this, and I decided to give it a try. I think it may have been the only drink in the place that didn't have HFCS in it. I didn't even see any bottled water there. So I begrudgingly bought this bottle of Lipton PureLeaf. I now have a renewed interest in their company. It's still pretty sweet, but it doesn't taste like sugar water. It actually has tea in it, and that is evident in the flavor. It also has a classic raspberry tea flavor. It was definitely something I enjoyed after a few hours hiking in the snow and watching a cow run full speed. If you have never seen a cow run, you my friend are missing something spectacular.

Ohhhh Bethany, this has chunks in it. Why would you give me something with chunks in it? You know I don't like chunky. I like smooth. I like my peanut butter smooth. I like my spaghetti sauce smooth. I like my jazz smooth. I especially like my drinks smooth. Honest to goodness, Beth, why would you give me this? If I wanted something with chunks in it, don't you think that I would have let you know years ago? We've been married 17 years and you've never known me, even a little bit, to go against the grain. I'm an accountant. I drive a base model Toyota Camry. I only own black and dark navy suits and white and light blue dress shirts. I have three ties and two of them are navy. I eat my sandwiches with the crusts cut off. Chunks, Bethany?! You know what? I will take another sip of it because I see that you're getting attached to these strongly rooted opinions that I have on my lifestyle.

On second though...yeah...on second though this isn't so bad. It's a very good fruit taste, and those chunks are just chunks of real fruit, so it's not that far fetched. It's just like eating a really juicy watermelon but a mixed fruit flavored watermelon. There is even a nice buzz that your lips get from the tang of the real fruit. You know what, baby? I'm sorry. I didn't mean to take it out on you. This is actually a wonderfully delicious drink that I could see myself drinking again.

Bethany, here's $20. Go to the local Indian market, buy a mixed case of this stuff and meet me in the Camry. We're driving with the sunroof open today!

What can be said about orange cream soda that we haven't said before? We all know it tastes like a carbonated melted creamsicle. But wait. What is this? This has actual orange juice in it. That is something new. It still has the insane amount of creaminess of the previously mentioned creamsicles, but the orange juice adds a new dimension. It's as if Orangina was mixed in with the creamiest off cream sodas. A pleasant surprise indeed.

Last spring I was on tour in the UK. After our show in Manchester some friends took me out to a couple of clubs. Even though I don't drink alcohol I've been to a decent amount of bars in my time. Most of the time they can be pretty depressing places in a sober state, but every once in awhile things just fall in line and it's a lot of fun. This was one of those nights. You may be asking yourself what someone like myself has for a beverage of choice in a bar. Is it water? Coke? No my friends. When I go out I ask the bartender for a mix of cranberry juice and 7Up. A lot of the time this is either followed by a strange look and some smart-ass comment. I don't care the drink is delicious. So back to Manchester. We get to our first bar of the night and I head up to order my trusty beverage when I notice there is a list of non-alcoholic mixed drinks they serve. Suddenly this night became even better. The first thing on the list was a Mojito. I was floored.

Now time for a back-story inside of a back-story. The year before this event we were down in Athens, GA. Walking around town. Checking it all out. We're walking by the outside patio of a bar and sitting there is Mike Mills from R.E.M. (my favorite band of all time, I don't care if that makes me a nerd). Guess what he's drinking? If you said a Mojito give yourself a fist bump. I'm not one to get all fan boy, but I did engage in a quick, slightly embarrassing conversation with him.

Back to the first back-story. So yeah I had never had a Mojito. Mike Mills was drinking one. I decided that is what I would choose from the list. I made a wise choice. It was delicious. Mint and Lime are a great combination.

This is a different sort of drink. It's Mojito mixed with tea. That means it's instantly improved. Mint in tea tastes like you're chewing gum while drinking tea. It's a sad fact the world needs to accept. When you add lime to the mix, it's a whole new player. The gum factor is out the window and you're on a sailboat to the Isle of Refreshment. This time that boat just happens to be captained by Granny Squibb. She definitely knows how to handle that vessel.

Invisibility; the world's most desirable super power. Flying? Yeah, that's awesome. I would love that, but invisibility...that's where it's at. Honestly, the best place is probably some sort of girls changing room or communal shower. What? I'm a scumbag? Yeah, like you didn't think it. I guess practical jokes would also be pretty awesome. Ghosting people. Carrying drinks around, making them look like they're floating. That would be awesome. When you're invisible and when you eat things, do they just disappear when you eat them? I would be psyched if you could eat things as "an invisible" and the food would go down and look like it was being processed, but then it will eventually turn in to poop and it's just going to be a walking turd and that will kind of give it away.

Oh, what am I getting at? This root beer was smooth, but there is no sign of head. Head is invisible but there is that essence of some sort of foam. It's a creamy root beer, really light. It's pretty average, but it's at very least, surprising.

It's well known that most energy drinks have a fairly similar chemical taste to them. I'm now realizing that most relaxation drinks taste alike. Luckily that taste isn't like something you'd find in a beaker in a mad scientist's lab. It's almost a diet taste. I blame the Valerian Root and Melatonin. They are in all of these drinks, and they are what gives them their magical powers. Imagine if relaxation drinks came out in the olden times. The creators would be burned as witches. "You brewed a potion that put others to sleep. Now you burn!" Logs are ignited and the town reeks of scorched flesh for the next few days. It's bad news all around. Luckily we live in a modern world where the machines will rise up and we'll all be burned for being human instead of witches. That's a better alternative, right?

Oh yeah, this tastes like a diet orange pop. I probably should have said that earlier.

It's a steaming hot day. It's so hot that you can't even comprehend the idea of moving. You are soaked with sweat just from breathing. This fan isn't doing anything. There's only one thing that can save the day. A Slurpie? No that's kids stuff. You're an adult now and the only thing that will cool you down is a nice ice-cold bottle of soymilk. Crack one open and chug it. As you wipe some dribble off your chin you are the picture of refreshment. You've beaten that heat.

Obviously that is completely fabricated because of two important things.
1. Slurpies are for all ages. They cool down your body like nothing else. On top of that they are delicious. I don't think I could ever trust someone who tells me they don't like them.
2. Soymilk, or cow milk for that matter, is not refreshing at all. I love it on my cereal, but other than the chocolate variety, I can't see myself ever downing a glass of it for pleasure. It's very strange to me to have it in single serve glass bottles.

Also soymilk and tofu are both made out of soybeans, so why don't they taste similar? I think Vita Milk had the same thought and decided to do something about it. This tastes like they took bricks of tofu and put them in a blender with way more sugar than is ever needed. I think I'll stick to my vanilla soymilk on my cereal in the morning.

Murder? You've got it. You want it to look like an accident? Got it. My suggestion would be poisoning him. It's a real hands off approach at murder. It's a good start. Hey, once you start, you can't stop. Murder is like the Pringles of crime. We have to first find out a way to not let him know we're going to kill him. Food is a good thing to poison. You just have to get at it before he does. Oh, you cook his dinner? Perfect. What does he like to drink for dinner? Jelly Belly green apple pop? Perfect. It looks like antifreeze so we can just use that. The body hates antifreeze and we can mix a lot in since the smell of the original pop is so strong. Do you have one that I can have to test on? Thanks. Well, this is pretty good. No wonder he likes to drink it. It's sweet, lightly carbonated. I don't know how this would accompany a beef stroganoff, but what do I know. I'm a hit man, not a food critic. Yeah, you know, this stuff is pretty delicious. It's candy-esque, but not too sweet that you can't polish off an entire bottle yourself. You've never had it? Here, take a big swig off this one. What's that? I can't understand you over the sound of the foam coming out of your mouth. Why yes, I did put antifreeze in that bottle when you weren't looking. Your husband hired me to kill you and he beat you to the punch. As you can see, this would have worked just fine. Sorry that I had to do this so intimately, but it was the only time you were available. If you don't mind, I'm going to take the rest of this 4-pack as a bonus to my hard work. Sorry you're dead. Nice Swatch. You can keep it because it's ladies sized and I'm clearly gent sized.

I knew this was going to be like no other energy drink I've ever had before. First off, it's made with pomegranate juice and grape skin. I've never seen an energy drink made with anything other than 15 different weird chemicals. It's nice to see a few easily identifiable things on the ingredients list. 'Red Lightning' has a really nice smell to it, very deep grape smell. The taste is definitely better than most energy drinks as well. There's virtually not battery acid taste, which is awesome! There's a little bit of acidic after taste, but that is most likely due to the HFCS. It's really tart which I like in drinks. The pomegranate flavor is strong, yet not overpowering like most pomegranate drinks are.

While this is much better than most energy drinks, it's definitely still a sipping drink like other energy drinks. The additives to give it 'energy' are definitely strong and my stomach would not like me if I chugged this bottle. Once again, my hat is off to Hosmer Mountain for making a tasty drink.

Mike and I have had our collective eye on the Cell-nique drinks for months. We would see it in the store every time we went. More often than not we would pick it up and look at the bottom of the bottle. There is so much sludge there. It was equally enticing and disturbing. The $4 price tag deterred us for a long time, but I finally gave in this week. I wish that I had put it off even longer.

Let's start with the fact that this has the longest list of ingredients that I have ever seen on a drink. There are 36 different ingredients. Sheer insanity. There is so much crazy stuff in here that I never in a million years would have expected to drink. Also, everything says "Organic" before it. I hate when companies do that. It's such overkill. This is pretty much supposed to be the healthiest thing you can ever drink. By default that means that it's going to be one gag shy of a trip to Pukeland, USA.

Here is my thought process starting with smelling it:
-Wow this doesn't smell nearly as bad as I expected. It has a general cocoa smell, with some undertones of weirdness. This might not be nearly as bad as I had anticipated. Oh wow it would rule if this actually tasted good for how healthy it is for you.
*Bottles Up*
-Okay that tastes like a strangely fruity dark chocolate bar. It's not the greatest thing ever, but not that bad. I also expected this to have little chunks of grain (Quinona) in it.
*.2 seconds later*
Oh sweet Jesus what the hell is that flavor. It's like someone took every single thing that was in a fridge and put it all into a blender. It's a complete assault on the taste buds. There is absolutely nothing good about this flavor. Show me someone who enjoys this and I will show you someone who is either a liar or someone that was tragically born without taste buds.
*Again .2 seconds later*
Okay now it tastes like I just ate a spoonful of black licorice and hot chocolate mix, but the taste of liquid hell is still lingering in the background. Oh man this flavor just will not leave my mouth. I may have to cut out my tongue if this doesn't go away. I'm going to try and wash it down with something else.
*Hands bottle to Mike, goes into the kitchen and downs a tasty fluid*

Mike wanted to add that it tasted like he was eating a campfire somewhere in the middle of the flavor spectrum. I can't comprehend how disgusting this is. It's now a few hours after my initial tasting and I still have the memory of the flavor on my tongue. I've eaten several things since then as well.

Mike said that I should give this a two. Things this healthy don't have a chance in the flavor department. Sometimes you have to deal with something purely disgusting for the sake of health. This is so disgusting that the only way I could give it a two was if it gave me supernatural powers. I'm still normal me, so it's getting the loneliest of all numbers.

Yerba Mate is a tea all of it's own. It has such a specific taste that just always pops out at you. This style of tea should also always have a leopard on the bottle. Why? Leopards are awesome, that's why. Look at that thing. Is it smiling, or does it just want to rip you in half? It's the secret of the leopard. I would totally ride that thing around like in Harold and Kumar (I don't care what the world thinks, that movie is hilarious). I'd pick up Mike and the two of us would ride around from bodega to bodega looking for drinks. Sure we might have to buy the leopard a Gatorade once and a while, but he too will be a Thirsty Dude.
Guayaki knows how to blend their mate with other flavors. The citrus in this balances out the bitterness of the tea perfectly. It's not overly sweet or bitter, just a nice happy medium with a tangerine twinge. You know who loves tangerines? That leopard and I. Shibby.

I saw it on the shelf and had to buy it. Remember in the Peanut's Christmas special where Linus bought that rather pathetic tree and everyone picked on him? This was on a shelf in a dusty old corner of a local drug store and I had to get it. I don't know if it was on clearance but it certainly was privileged enough to make it into their giant coolers.

This could be on behalf of the can looking like it came from 1997. A distressed font and angled text just screams "Alt". Also, when I read "100% Natural", I (stupidly) thought it might have been cane sugar, which would have been pretty rad. I can't pretend to be surprised.

Since this is a tall boy in the flavor of green tea with ginseng and honey, I just thought that it was going to be a Arizona clone, and for the most part it is, but it has it's subtleties. There is a bit more honey flavor, as well as more ginseng. In turn it's less green tea but these drinks are rarely very green tea flavored at all.

I will say this now and forever, this is a pretty parallel replacement for Arizona. I'll put my reputation on it. Someone please vouch for me so I don't sound so drastic.

Up until now, every lemon lime soda I've ever had was clear. I like that this one is green. It's a really nice shade of green too. It's Ecto-Cooler green, easily one of my favorite shades of green. Can you tell green is my favorite color?

This is a pretty basic lemon lime soda with no frills. It's smooth and delicious, and tastes a lot better than 7-Up or Sprite. I don't know if it's in my subconscious due to the color, but it taste more lime than lemon. Now that I think of it, I don't know how one could make lemon lime soda with frills. I think it would probably ruin how classic it is. Then again, I probably thought that about root beer at one point.