Chunky - 165 Reviews

When I moved back to Buffalo for 10 months, the number one complaint I got from fellow reviewer Jason was that I didn't review more Hotlips soda while I lived in Portland. You'd think I passed up a chance to see a one-off Fugazi reunion by the consistency that he would bring it up. If he were my father, he might have disowned me, or at least cut off my allowance for a couple weeks.

So now I'm back in Portland where Hotlips soda can be found everywhere. For those who are not familiar with it, Hotlips is a Portland, Oregon based chain of pizza shops that also make their own soda. They are available on tap and bottled at various grocery stores around the greater Portland area. The great thing about Hotlips soda is that it's made with real fruit, something I didn't appreciate the first time I had one. It only contains whole ingredients, no gross chemicals or filler. People's biggest complaint with Hotlips is their soda is VERY lightly carbonated, so little that sometimes it seems like it's not at all. While it was off putting at first to me, I've grown to like it. Now don't get me wrong, I love carbonated soda, I just think of this as it's own thing and try not to compare it to traditional soda as far as the carbonation goes.

Now to this flavor, black raspberry. It's one of my favorite fruits so I might be biased, but I think it's delicious. Like most flavors, there are little chunks of berry in it that make the drink. If this weren't so expensive, I would probably drink these all the time.

This drink is the equivalent of dumping a whole mess of grapes into a blender with an obscene amount of sugar. Sure the grapes get cut up, but there are stuff a whole mess of chunks left over. That's okay though, we love chunks in our drinks. Okay, that sounds gross. I feel like I just said that we love vomit in our drinks. I'd like to go on record by saying that I have never drank vomit in a drink, and I hope that I never end up drinking vomit in a drink. If I did the result would just be the creation of more vomit to put in drinks, and as we already mentioned no one wants that, so it would be a waste of effort and time.

If someone had poured this into a glass and then given it to me, I would have assumed from looking at it that it was an aloe drink. Then after drinking it I would have thought that I had confirmed my earlier thought. I obviously would have been wrong. It's just water, grape juice and grape chunks, but it really does taste and feel like it is an aloe drink. The grape flavor is a bit stronger than any aloe I've ever had, but the similarities are there. I'm shocked that there is only 27g of sugar in here, because it tastes like someone dumped an entire sack of sugar into this little can. While my health would not appreciate that, my taste buds certainly do.

I was on tour with Cheap Girls this past week. I hadn't been on the road much lately, so when my friends asked me to tag along on a mini tour I decided a nice little vacation was exactly what I needed and hopped in the van for a few days of music and stupid fun.

Lately I've been eating less garbage food and have been trying to take better care of myself. My normal tour lifestyle is not very conducive to that. Living out of a van leads to eating at gas stations and Taco Bell way too often. This tour was short and for once in my life I actually had some extra money, so I bought healthier snacks and actually ate at restaurants. It was a nice change, and I definitely didn't feel like garbage for once.

To add to my health I decided to drink a bottle of juice every morning to start my day. I tried to keep it to 100% juice with no sugar added, but the neighborhood I was in for our stay in Baltimore wasn't very helpful with that. I found this can of pineapple nectar at a little bodega and decided that it would just have to do. Sure it wasn't only juice in a can, but at least it had chunks of fruit in it. It was actually the least acidic pineapple juice I have ever had. There was no trace of that pineapple vomit smell, and it was very smooth. As I said it had chunks of pineapple in it. In fact I would say that ¼ of the can was actually the flavorless stringy pieces of fruit. I had shaken the can up before I opened it, but the chunks still mainly resided at the bottle half of the can. By the time my drinking took my to that portion, it was mostly chunks and it was a bit off putting. Had the amount of chunks been consistent through the entire drink I would have liked it a lot more. Also, if you drank this warm it would probably be one of the grossest drinks I can think of.

The weather reports are in and boy are they strange. If you're going outside boys and girls, don't forget to grab an umbrella as it's really coming down out there. The thing is that the precipitation isn't rain, but little chunks of mango. Meteorologists were highly confused until it became known that one of the canning facilities for Chabaa exploded earlier this morning, sending it's reservoirs of mango pulp high into the atmosphere. It's just now that it is finally making its way back to the Earth.
While it is a strange thing to behold it is causing the sale of Chabaa to skyrocket (no pun intended). People are looking outside, thinking how much of as pain the cleanup is going to be, and then they suddenly get as craving for some juice. Even though Chabaa puts out a fairly tame nectar (it's slightly thick, but the added sugar takes a little away from the mango flavor), they include little chunks of mango pulp that give the beverage the little push it needs to be great. Pulp and chunks do nothing but make drinks more fun and enjoyable. These are fairly small, maybe 1/8" cubed, but they squish up nicely in your mouth.
So follow your whim and go out and grab yourself a can, just remember to bring your umbrella and your galoshes or you'll be in for some trouble. This is Steve Saginaw signing off for Imperial Weather.

So far we have not had good luck with the Coco Exposed line. I have to blame the coconut for our disinterest. Alo makes incredible aloe drinks, and this line is basically those same drinks with coconut water added to them. The only difference I can see is that dumb coconut water. I've come around to coconut water for the most part. I don't mind the chalkiness and it can be extremely refreshing. There is something different with the coconut water in here though. In another review Mike described it as tasting like the powder left over in the bottom of the box when you run out of Cheerios. I don't think he's wrong about that. It has that same wheaty/grainy aftertaste. It's strange as the other coconut waters I've drunk did not have that flavor. In reality it could be because this drink has no sugar added to it.

I was hoping this flavor would be better than the others because it's passion fruit and pineapple flavored; two of my favorites. Unfortunately the non-coconut flavor in here just tastes like a vaguely fruity aloe drink. Neither the passion fruit nor the pineapple stands out in any way. It's a shame, but at least I was able to get through this whole bottle without being completely disgusted. That's further than we got with the other flavors.

To whom it may concern,
I don't know if you have thought ahead for things like birthdays, Christmas, Easter, or Sweetest Day, but you needn't look any more. I, Nature, have created the greatest gift for everyone. I mean everyone. I don't and never have discriminated. Everyone is equal and this drink I have created with my bare hands is for you.

Allow me to describe this gift that I have so generously and nonchalantly given to the people of the world. It is an aloe drink. Simple as that: original aloe flavor. No funny fruit business. I stick to the classics myself. Vinyl? I love it. Laserdisc? Nope. VHS, son! I only listen to debut records from bands and will not buy anything after that regardless of how much better it is. Yeah, I know the production quality is usually better on subsequent albums, but I stick to my guns. No, I'm joking. Nature doesn't use guns but I do rain on tons of parades if you know what I mean.

I just thought that I would remind you that this gem of a drink existed because I noticed in the last quarter sales were down a little bit. Remember, this is a gift so drink it with glee and have a wonderful day.

Sincerely,
Nature Steinberg

Paldo seems like it should be a dog's name. I kind of want to name a dog Paldo now. I also want to teach him to go fetch me drinks. Does that fall under the adorable category or the one labeled “get it yourself you lazy slob?” I'm going to go with adorable. I would imagine glass bottles would be hard on the little guy's teeth. They also might be too smooth for him to be able to get a proper grasp on to carry. Cans would also be a problem because one little tooth pressed just a little too hard and the contents are going to spray everywhere. It looks like I'll have to train my little bubby Paldo to retrieve me plastic bottles. Hopefully he will be prone to choosing his namesake because they make some great tasting aloe drinks. Sure the chunks in it are a little too tiny for my liking (they resemble pulp more than chunks), but the flavor is always great. This bottle is a great example. Pomegranate is a delicious fruit but a little too much for a lot of people. Paldo (the company not the imaginary dog) added enough sweetener to take away most of the bitterness yet leave the essence of the fruit in tact. It's a perfect gateway drink to get people into both pomegranate and aloe drinks. If you're skeptical of either, give this a try. I'll be out looking for a beagle puppy who is susceptible to drink training.

Thanks to the grandmothers of the world, everyone knows that if you get a burn, sunburn or otherwise, you break off a piece of an aloe plant and rub it on that burn and feel the relief set in. Being the scientist I am, I wondered if I could take that a step further. On my recent trip to Philadelphia I got a delicious tofu hoagie from a little deli. It was slathered with hot sauce and covered with jalapenos. While it tasted great, the burning sensation it left behind was fairly intense. I needed relief and I needed it fast. Science kicked in and I decided an experiment was needed. I cracked open a bottle of Leaf Up aloe juice and took a big sip. I can't claim that the relief was instant, but the burning subsided a decent amount. A couple more sips and it was all but gone. Once more science prevails over evil in this world. I've only tried this with Leaf Up so far, so I don't know if it will work with all aloe drinks, but with this brand it worked like a charm. It was also tasty to boot. It was very light and more watery than any other aloe juice I've had. The mango flavoring is nice, but it's also a bit watered down. Now when I saw it's watered down I somehow mean that in a good way. It doesn't taste like they cheaped out and were trying to stretch their product out, but like they knew it would be more refreshing this way. There are some chunks in here, but they are pretty small, almost like an afterthought. Normal aloe drinks seem like they were tailor made for kids to drink. This is a grown up version of them, a sophisticated version if you will.

Never before has apple flavor tasted so sickeningly sweet, yet still tasted so much like an actual apple. The spectrum of apple drinks normally ranges from your everyday normal apple juice to that disgusting fake sour apple flavor that tastes nothing like an actual apple. This somehow tastes like apple candy, but in a way makes you think that you're actually biting into a nice red apple that has been soaking in a barrel of sugar water for the past three weeks. It's strange, and it seems like it should be gross, you know too much, but it's somehow not. On top of that it has chunks of nata de coco in it that make for a fun experience. So it's now like that sugar soaked apple has little chunks of hard coconut bit throughout it. Wow, typed out that sounds completely disgusting, but believe me it works. Kids would probably enjoy this more than most adults, but if a lot of sugar doesn't bother you, pick up a bottle at your local Asian market.

Pomegranate had it's hey day. Then it was acai's time to shine. The world has had oranges, apples and gross bananas crammed down their throat for centuries. What I want to know is when is it going to be guava's turn to stand in the spotlight? It is one of the greatest tasting fruits in the history of the world, and as I just learned it has a bunch of health benefits. It lowers the risk of both cancer and diabetes, it promotes fertility and good eyesight, and it helps regulate blood pressure. I think we need to declare the guava a superfruit this very minute.

Since it is now amongst the chosen fruits I shall celebrate with a bottle of guava flavored aloe drink. It's really a match made in heaven. One of the most fun styles of beverage and one of the best tasting fruit all rolled into one. The weird “grape” flavor of the aloe blends in perfectly with the taste of the guava. It's fruity and sweet in all of the right ways. The chunks of aloe are of average size, so you still get the fun aspect of them. At the store they had other flavors of OKF in larger bottles, but the guava only came in the smaller one. I feel as if I have been cheated and I demand restitution!

Nope. I went into this thinking it was going to be gross and hoping to be wrong and I was right. Story time? You've got it.

There was once a bar that Jay DJ'd at and it was pretty great. They sold everything and also served food and drink. You could go in there, buy a nice meal and the chair you sat in to eat it. Tables, chairs, toys, odds and ends, and more; everything was for sale. It was cool. Jay and I were there for a night he was playing and he took a break and they offered wheatgrass so we split a shot of it. It wasn't bad. We thought it was going to be gross, but it just tastes like the smell of freshly cut grass. A little sweet but very...fresh. Very green. It's got some immense amount of vitamins and minerals equivalent to multiple servings of vegetables.

This is just a strange, smooth, chunky texture, like if you watered down your morning oatmeal and drank it, except your oatmeal smelled like if you poured the dust from a box of Cheerios into a cup rather than actual cereal.

This is bad. I have said it before and I'll say it again. How does stuff like this make it to market?

Put a fruit salad in front of a kid and it's a pretty safe bet that the honeydew will be the last thing left in the bowl. If you put yogurt in front of a child it is very likely that you will take that container away untouched. I don't know why kids don't like these two things. I certainly wasn't a fan when I was younger, but now that I'm a grown-ass man I love and consume more than my fair share of both. I don't know if a meeting was held by my taste buds and they decided that I was wrong for a few decades, but upon entering my thirties I had a newfound respect for the worlds of melon and yogurt. So much in fact that I let out a little yip when I saw this bottle in my friendly neighborhood Asian market. That's right, a 32-year-old man let out a squeal of joy whilst shopping alone. I don't think anyone heard me, but if they did I'd like to think that would give me an understanding nod. Did I mention this also has aloe chunks in it? This is a drink tailor made for the adult version of me.

What is held in this bottle is near gold to my mouth. It's a slightly thick liquid. It has more of the consistency of milk than yogurt, but it does have a slight yogurt aftertaste. The main flavor is wonderfully milky honeydew. Let's not forget the chunks. I think that if the aloe chunks would have been bigger this drink would be a slam-dunk, but they are fairly small, and seem more like pulp than hunks. I will tell you that it took some restraint not to drink this all in one sitting, but I'm glad I help strong, because I got to enjoy it again on another day. I wasn't lying when I said kids don't like honeydew or yogurt, but I bet if you put a bottle of this in front of a preteen it would be gone in a matter of minutes. Gold I tell ya.

Gerald was one dumb kid. He was one of those kids that didn't like to drink water so he drank anything but. When he was about eight, someone gave him an aloe drink and he fell in love. What kid wouldn't want to drink something with chunks? It's just gross enough that young boys think it's the most incredible thing ever. He would drink it every day. He would drink a lot of it every day. When he was at school he would have one of those giant 32 ounce bottles in his backpack and when the school day was over, he would have nearly finished the whole thing. When he was home, he would drink small containers because his mom and dad really didn't like him drinking that much.

He would hide them throughout his room. He particularly liked the La Vi drinks because they were good and they were small enough to fit in small places. The last time he went to his local Asian market the cashier, who knows him by name, turned him onto an apple La Vi aloe drink. It had a decent apple taste, was a little syrupy, and had those lovable chunks in it.

One day, when running in gym class, he fell and cut his leg. He grabbed his leg and when he lifted his hands to see how bad it was, and his hands were covered in aloe and chunks. It was a little pink from blood but for the most part, it was all aloe! He thought it was cool and called his friends over to look at it. They dared him to drink it but that was just too much for him. The nurse called his parents and yelled at them for letting him drink so much aloe and that it was bad for him. When Gerald got home, he was grounded and they found and threw out his stash of aloe drinks. He understood that he had a problem and cut his aloe intake way down.

It's been a long time since I've had an aloe drink. It's not that I have been avoiding them. I just haven't been able to find any that we haven't already reviewed. With a cupboard full of drinks to review, it's kind of hard to justify buying a drink for pleasure. Needless to say, I was excited when I found this bottle at a local Asian market.

First thing, there are barely any chunks of aloe in this. That is my favorite part of aloe drinks so this is already off to a bad start. You know how honey makes some root beers really good? Well it ruins this drink. Even though it's one of the last ingredients on the list, it somehow manages to ruin the delicious taste of pomegranate in this.

If I were to protest outside of the Jayone factory, my sign would say, "Less honey, more chunks!"

What else is there to say about Mamma Chia drinks that we haven't said before? They are certainly unique. They are also very tasty. They start with a wonderful tasting juice (cranberry and lemonade in this case) and then fill the bottle with the insanity that is chia seeds. The hard seeds are coated in a slimy substance that helps them go down very smooth. They are slimy, but not in a gross way. It adds more of a thickness to the consistency of the drink. It makes drinking fun. And there are health benefits to it.

The flavor of this is strong, but not overbearing. It tastes like mild lemonade with a mild cranberry flavoring. I say mild only because it's neither tart nor bitter like both of the fruits are in their normal form. There is nothing mild about the taste.

I do believe that giving this to an expecting person would very likely result in your shoes and shirt being covered in vomit. It looks like it should be a foreign take on the juice box, which it essentially is. The thing is that not only does this have chunks of aloe in it, but it also has bits of nata de coco. I imagine someone taking a big squeeze of it into their mouth, expecting juice city, and then they are greeted with a mouthful of slime and chunks. It's a chunk overload and I absolutely love it. I'm actually skeptical to call this a drink because there are so many chunks that it's more like a semi-solid.

Let me break it down this way. This is basically a blood bag filled with apple juice with aloe sludge in it that is peppered with bits of nata de coco. It tastes exactly like someone mixed some plain flavored aloe juice with some apple juice. This is so much better than it should be.

Here's another treat from Editor Dan. That lucky so-and-so went up to Toronto to see Portishead. I was poor at the time tickets went on sale, and I missed out on my opportunity. Whenever I hear Portishead I think of a French club. It's dark, smoky and everything is slightly illuminated red. Portishead is playing over the PA and everyone is just getting down and slowly grinding on each other. During this scene in my head everyone is smoking for some reason. It's a very specific vision, and I think it's hysterical. It's also hysterical that Portishead would lead into a review for this drink, because the only way this drink would seem more inappropriate in that scene is if it came in juice boxes. This drink pretty much embodies the concept of fun. Portishead is not fun. They are wonderful, dark, mysterious and sexy, but they are not fun. This is a sugary sweet mango drink that taste way more like the juice you would lick from your fingers when trying to open a mango without the proper utensils than you would expect from a drink that comes in such packaging. Also, it has little cubed bits of nada de coco, which makes the drink even more fun. I love it when appropriate drinks have nada de coco in them. In this it's like there are tiny bits (of hardened) mango in it. I love trying to chew on them.

No you shouldn't drink this while listening to trip hop. I think some ska punk would be more up to speed. Less Than Jake I'm looking in your direction.

Oh, I would like to look nice. Inversely, I would also like to have a nice look, I guess. I would also not like to drink whatever this drink is made out of. What is it made out of, you say? Simple actually: water, white fungus, bird's nest, rock sugar, and vanilla. Done and done. There. Simple. Delicious? Not so much. We have done a bird's nest drink previously, and this one is no different except the separation of particles in the drink are more aloe-esque and less "spit in water" which makes it a bit more appetizing.

The fellas over at The Impulsive Buy have reviewed this drink and have some equally disgusting things to say about it.

It smells a little like Kix, which, ironically, I had this morning and makes me not want to eat it any more. It's a very smooth drink. It's lightly sweetened but the chunks are less chunk and more wet paper. That is disturbing. I can't fathom drinking any more of this. I'm sorry. I'm sorry Thailand for taking a can of this away from you. I hope there isn't a shortage because I am tossing out a 3/4 full can of this is the filth can.

Grandma, thanks a lot for inviting me and Bobby over for dinner. It was very nice of you. I know your eyesight isn't that great anymore so if there is anything I can do to help, let me know. Yeah, I can carry this turkey in the other room. What else? Scalloped potatoes? You've got it. Bobby, can you get the carrots and the peas?

Yeah, dude. I love corn, too. I don't know why she didn't make any. She wasted the time to make lima beans and that time would have been better spent making corn. I might just do it. Man, I love corn. I saw this weird thing on her counter. Did you see it? Do you know what I'm talking about? It was in a bit pitcher. It was purple and had little seeds in it. I don't know what she did there. I hope that her eyes didn't deceive her when she was making something and she mixed a whole bunch of stuff together like we used to and then dared each other to drink it.

What was that grandma? Yeah, I'll have something to drink. Whatever is fine. So Bobby, what do you want to do after this? Do you want to play that new Sonic game? It looks awesome. Oh no. Dude. She's...oh no. Thanks grandma. Dude, she brought us two heaping glasses of that stuff. What is this, Bobby? Hey, grandma? What is this? It smells good but it looks kind of weird. Oh, just drink it and we'll like it? Well, can't say you aren't anything less than a wonderful salesman...er...saleswoman. Sales lady? Dude, we've got to drink this. It's grandma. I'll go first because I'm older.

Oh that's strange. It's actually good, Bob. It's like raspberry Jell-O. Why anyone would want to drink that I don't have any idea, but it's there and she made it and we've got to drink it. What are those seeds? You can't taste them, but they're there. Grandma? What are the seeds in this drink? Chia Seeds? Like the same things that are used in Chia Pets? Why would you put it in a drink? Oh, for your B.M.'s. Fantastic, that should make the rest of this dinner, which I have a giant, untouched plate of, taste delicious.

Well Bobby...prepare for a strange dinner, great tasting but oddly textured drinks, and award winning poops later, brother. I call the bathroom first.

One reason you don't mess around with a Thirsty Dude is because we're overly sarcastic, very quick witted, and could destroy most anyone in a battle of wits. Another reason is because we stock all sorts of drinks that you don't know exist so when you ask, jokingly, for something "chunky and slimy", there is a good chance we can product such a drink with ease and you will be stuck drinking your own words.

One of my bosses requested the previously mentioned variety of drink and I was lucky enough to have on in the fridge at that moment, so from unsuspecting, funny suggestion to sorry and chunks took all of five minutes.

This is a stretch for me to say. I will say it, because I mean it, though, so here goes. This is the best lychee drink and the best nata de coco drink I've ever had. It's got a great lychee flavor and is very strong scented. Very perfumey, like an old woman that you don't mind sitting next to on the bus. The coco chunks have a great, fun, consistency that isn't too hard, and isn't too soft. It's not like an aloe as it has way more bite to it. I could only describe it as a very, very soft eraser. I liked it and would drink it again. Thank you Malaysia, the gayest country in Asia.