Please, please, give me something to drink.

Excuse me?

I've been stuck in a desert for four days and need something. I'm dying over here. Give me something, anything.

Dude, I would love to but I just finished my water and all I have left is this half eaten can of Chef Boyardee spaghetti.

I'll take it, please. As I previously mentioned, I'm dying over here.

Alright, alright. Jeez. Here. I was going to eat it but you clearly are hungrier than me. You're also way more inconsiderate than me to approach me on my front porch asking for my unfinished lunch on this, the day of my daughters wedding.

Was that a line from the Godfather? Are you quoting Hollywood as I'm sitting here?

"Dying," I know, I know. Here, take it. I've got another can in the house. You can sit down if you'd like.

Thanks. I'll just drink this. Hey, this isn't that refreshing. I mean, I drank the whole thing, but it's not terribly quenching. Do you have anything else while you're in there?

Yeah. I've got a juice box from Sandora. Do you want that?

Sure, thanks. Oh, it even comes with a little straw. This is like elementary school. Oh, dude. What are you doing to me?! This tastes exactly like five minutes ago when I drank your spaghetti. Do you only keep things in the house that taste like spaghetti or tomatoes?

No, you just caught me when I was eating spaghetti and wanted to get rid of this foreign drink. You came to my house and then you took half my lunch. I don't owe you anything, dude.

I guess you're right friend. Well, in retrospect, I wish I had asked you for a glass of water. Drinking both of those things was stupid. I don't feel like I'm going to die and for that I thank you, but I wish that I had just asked for water. I feel like I couldn't have made a worse choice. Thanks, brother. I'll never forget you for saving my life.

You're welcome. If you'd like to come in and split this can of spaghetti with me, you can.

Stop eating spaghetti out of a can.

This is the FUBU of the beverage world. You could say that this is "for us, by us" but only if you were an athlete. Unless the great congregation of sports aficionados accepts air hockey as a true sport, this drink was not made for me. I don't care I'm going to drink it anyways. What are they going to do, send the sports police after me?

This is one of the best sports drinks I've ever had. It's all-natural and it shows in the flavor. I tend to enjoy sports drinks, but I believe this may be the first one that I've ever tasted that actually has real fruit juice in it. They claim it's for color, but I've never had another drink taste so much like grapes (slightly watered down mind you) that wasn't actual grape juice. The flavor is strong, but only to a point. It still distinctly tastes like a sports drink, but in a fruitier way.

I really hope this catches on and they get a better distribution deal. I would love to be able to pick these up at gas stations instead of their competitors.

'Round these parts, we call it "Spicy Water." That's the water you make with your carbonation machine and just don't add flavor. I'm talking about that pop machine that looks like a penguin that makes pop for you when you want it in cool, 1 liter bottles. My girlfriend always gets "soda water with lemon" which is just carbonated water. It's strange though. I drink water all of the day and enjoy it but once it's carbonated, it gets a bit of a gnarly taste to it. She loves the stuff. I don't know what her problem is. I sneak sips periodically and find it quite vile.

I knew what I was in for when I tried this and was actually proven a little bit wrong. It's got that strange bitterness or whatever goes on inside carbonated water, but the pomegranate taste is great. This is actually a drink that has no sugar or carbs or anything, tastes fruity, and for some might be quenching. I made a little face after every sip, but, as previously mentioned, I don't fancy “fancy water.” I do like flavored waters, which would basically be this sans "spice" but this is a world apart from a drink like Hint or equivalent.

When my mom reads this, she's going to be sore at me because she loves seltzer water, too. Seltzer water used to only be used for clowns but now it's used for clowns and moms. I'm not going to draw any lines comparing the two, but you can.

It's simple math folks. Triple XXX = "XXX XXX XXX." It's like kids who first get into the straight edge culture and over compensate with a million X's everywhere. My friends and I were dumb like that when we were younger. I understand it. I'm also older now and I don't feel a need to put a single X on anything let alone a couple dozen. Even though that is true I have to admit that the triple X on this bottle made the memory of 16 year old me a little giddy. When I used to go to parties everyone would be drinking beer, and I'd be drinking root beer. Even though I'm 99.9999% sure this company has no ties to any subculture (It was originally made by a family owned restaurant) I'd like to pretend that it's embracing straight edge. It also got me excited that the bottle claims it "Tastes like root beer used to taste."

The label leaves much to be desired, so even though I liked the idea of this root beer my hopes were pretty low. If this bottle were a CD it looks like it would go straight to the "cut out bin." My mom was right. Looks can be deceiving. This is a pretty darn good root beer. It has an IBC-esque flavor, but darker and bolder. I think it falls somewhere between lower level fancy root beer and some real deal cowboy brew. It's got a somewhat decent bite and a nice vanilla aftertaste, which is a nice pleasant surprise. Now excuse me. I need to find my extras thick Sharpie, so I can draw some huge X's on my hand and dance around my room like an idiot to some terrible bands from the 90's.

Pomegranates: +1
Nectarines: -1
Coconut Water: 0

Total Score: 0

Regardless of the rather neutral score, I was somewhat enthusiastic to try it. Maybe it's because I don't ingest a lot of nectarine flavored drinks. I don't like to eat oranges, but I enjoy the orange flavor. I sped drank think before the coconut water took over. You know, the inherent chalkiness that comes with a coconut drink. You get a flavor, and it's fruity, but I personally couldn't distinguish between pomegranate and nectarine.

If I had to make a list of coconut drinks for people who don't like coconut drinks, this would be one on the list.

New Review:
Since we have given such good marks to all of their other products, Cintron sent us another bottle of this and asked us if we'd try again. I had no problem with it, especially since Derek said he actually liked this one. The company sent it and it's been sitting on my shelf for a month or two.

I finally got around to trying it today, and I don't know what my problem was before. Sure it's not the greatest tasting thing in the world, but neither are any energy shots. Maybe I got a bad one before, who knows. All I can say now is that it tastes like diet cranberry juice concentrate with energy drink junk in it. I wouldn't drink huge glasses of it, but you're not meant to. It tastes more like diet cranberries than it does energy garbage, and that is all you can really ask for. I'm bumping you from a 1 to a 3 Cranberry Splash. I hope you're happy with your new home.


Old Review:
Cintron knows how to make a tasty energy drink. They have even managed to make some quality energy shots, which are by definition disgusting. Unfortunately with this offering they have fallen short. The bitterness of the cranberry flavor does not help the already gross energy shot flavor. Instead of masking the grossness, it possibly makes it worse. The sucralose used to sweeten it makes it taste like diet toxic waste. I'm sorry Cintron. I really wish we could have given you all top marks, but this is probably the worst energy shot I've ever tasted. So dear readers you should just pick up their other flavors. They are a company that deserves to be able to shine.

I don't know Bob Marley. I mean, come on, I'm a 29 year old, Jewish, white kid from Buffalo. The only thing I know about Bob Marley is that he's probably rolling in his grave because of the fact that every time you think of him, you think of weed, or how you have a tapestry at home with his face on it, or just tie die. It's unfortunate. I am not going to pretend to know anything about him because pretending to do so will do his life a great injustice. I'm not against him or whatever he believed in and I would like to watch a documentary because I feel that at one point, he was so influential to a people, that he's still as great as he was today. Also, I don't read so a video is the only way that I'm going to take it in. Even Wikipedia is going to be too much to read. That man grew those dreads so we could all see them.

I don't know who's putting out all these Marley drinks, because we all know it's not Bob. He's not signing his name on the dotted line saying, "Yeah, mon. I would love to put me name on dis tea das gonna put ya ta sleep." Someone is forging his name and he keeps pushing out products and the dead Bob Marley is just pulled into it. So "Bob" wants me to drink this coffee drink that he makes and I'll do it.

It's good. It's smooth and doesn't have as strong a coffee taste as many other coffee drinks like a Starbucks. It's not too sweet, and it gives me this coffee stuck to my tongue type deal so that makes it seem genuine and like the coffee you know and love.

Bob, may you rest in peace. If you were here when I was drinking this, you'd better believe that I'd share it. 80/20, advantage you. You win, brother.

Since the 1890's the Van Helsing family has hunted the ever-elusive vampire Vlad the Impaler. He was the most feared man in the eastern block until it came out that he was not a man at all. When people realized his lack of humanity they began referring to him only as Dracula the lord of the undead.

It is not the 21st century and Ludwig Van Helsing (his mother was a fan of classical music) has finally tracked down Dracula to a remote town in Upstate New York. It is now his turn to go face to face with the ruler of the undead just as each of his male ancestors have in the past (In Bram Stoker's novel it claims that Abraham Van Helsing slayed the dark one, but that is nothing but a conspiracy to cover up the truth to keep the towns people calm. It was typical of politicians of the time.). It mid June and it's a nice warm day. The sun is shining and Ludwig takes that as a good sign. He parks his rental car at the front gate and walks up to the door of the mansion. He rings the bell, but no one answers. It's probably for the best, anyways his Intel informed him that there is a cave around back and that is where Dracula slumbers during the daylight hours. Ludwig digs around the piles of Burger King and Arby's wrappers in his back seat and produces a crossbow. He thinks it's kind of stupid, but the retro look of it is kinda bitchin'. He walks around the yard, waving to the neighbor next door who's mowing his lawn, and finds himself at the entrance of the cave. Ludwig is pretty much resigned to the fact that this is where he dies. I mean every male of his family has met the reaper under similar circumstances, but whatever this planet is going down the turlet anyways. If The Impaler doesn't get him, he'll probably end up with cancer or AIDS in the next year anyways. With that thought he stepped into the darkness.

About 100 feet inside the mouth of the cave Ludwig came upon a large wooden door. It looked as if he would never be able to open it himself, but with one small shove it flew open. You have to hand it to the prince of darkness; he sure doesn't let his property fall into disrepair. Inside the room was a smaller room that was built out of black steel, with what appeared to be elevator doors on it. Ludwig pushed the button and the doors slid open exposing what appeared to be the world's most comfortable bed. Ludwig momentarily forgot his charge and just lost himself thinking about taking a little nap. In the middle of the bed was Lord Dracula with a nice lacy sleep mask on, Ludwig slowly crept towards the bed, careful not to make a sound. Just as he was about a foot away he stepped on a remote control and Miley Cirus' "Party in the USA" started blaring from the stereo system. Oddly enough Dracula just rolled over. I guess a couple of hundred year of being undead really makes you a sound sleeper. Ludwig shrugged, pointed his crossbow and put and arrow right through the vampire's heart. Dracula screamed, exorbitant amounts of blood shot out of his chest and then he and all his fluids burned up, like he never existed. "Huh." was all Ludwig could say. It was way easier than he ever would have imagined.

His whole life had been built around stalking and then being killed by Dracula, and now that it was over and he was still alive he was completely unprepared. So he ended up moving into Dracula's house. There wasn't much inside except cases of empty bottles marked "Dracula's Blood." He didn't want to put them to the curb in the recycling bins for fear that the local homeless would then constantly rummage through his trash looking for more returnables. Instead he took up the hobby of making soda pop, and used the bottles to hold his wares. What else was he going to do, get a job? I think not. Since the bottles said "Dracula's Blood" already he decided to make a strawberry soda. It didn't turn out as well as he would have hoped. Here he was with all these rad looking bottles, with a sup par soda to fill them. He guessed it kind of tasted like strawberries, but it was more of a generic soda flavor with a generic berry undertone to it. The closer you got to the bottom the stronger the flavor became, but what good is it to have a few sips be tasty when over half the bottle be extremely disappointing. The town folks all laughed at him. Sure he had killed the father of the undead, but he still couldn't make a high quality soda. They didn't hesitate to remind him that you're only as good as your last achievement. Man he should have just given up after committing monster homicide.

There are many things in my life that I could do without. I could do without ever hearing the Robert Palmer cover of T-Rex ever again. I could do without taking a bite of the sandwich I made in the dark only to discover from taste that the roll is moldy. I could also do without having to pay rent and bills (I got out of it for over a year and I liked the way that freedom tasted). One thing that I am slowly learning that I cannot do without is sugar in my soda. I know it's terrible for you in pretty much every way, but it just tastes so much better to me. I've tried going the diet route or the unsweetened route and they just are not for me. If it's something you can stomach and actually enjoy more power to you. I wish I was in your shoes, but unfortunately I'm not.

Sans is not a soda that is marketed towards people like me, but I will say it is better than most diet pops. I would choose stevia over aspartame any day. It has a true orange scent to it, which is more than most regular pops give you. At first it's not so bad. A couple of sips and I thought that I would actually enjoy this whole can. It tastes somewhere between a traditional orange soda and something like Orangina. Unfortunately, the further in you get the more of the sweetener you taste. The orange flavor lessens and it tastes more like the coolness of stevia.

I didn't enjoy this beverage very much, but it is also the best diet orange soda I've ever had, so given that it has a handicap I'll give it a better rating. If you're into diet definitely give Sans a try.

Come on, Jennifer, really? More makeup? You just bought some perfume from here and lipstick, and I think your aunt got you that eyeliner set. What more could you want? Nail polish? You bite your nails! What's the point? Ugh, fine, let's go, but I'm going to sit in the "dad seat." The “dad seat?” The dad seat is that one bench where dads and boyfriends sit while their girlfriends smell hair gel and test bath salts.

Hey, I'm just going to sit here by the door. Take your time. I'll be playing Fruit Ninja on my phone. You know how I love it when that freeze banana comes in. I'm sorry, what did you say, ma'am? A drink? Now you're talking my language. I'll take a sip. Oh, this is kind of strange and kind of gross. What is it? It's the essence of everything you see? That's vague. Oh, in this makeup store. Yeah, not that you mention it, this drink tastes like it smells in here mixed with some lemonade. What is this called? Oh, it's made by Jones? Berry Lemonade? Really? I guess it's vaguely raspberry lemonade, but there is still the liquid version of this store in here. I won't be buying any, but thank you and good job capturing your fine establishment into a drink. Honey, let's get out of here. That dad that was sitting next to me just ate a bean burrito and now I want one almost as bad as I don't want to feel the after effects of his.

This should be something I love. Over the past year or so I've fallen in love with low sugar "dry" sodas. They provide the bubbles and the flavors that I need without being anything more than liquefied sweetener. The thing is I think that a very small amount of sugar may be needed when drinks are carbonated. I still don't understand it after 32 years on this planet; if you drink a glass of water it's cool refreshing and tasty (in a tasteless kind of way), but if you take that same water and carbonate it the flavor changes. It acquires this taste that is borderline bitter. Is it the CO2 that I taste? I can only assume it is, and it can ruin drinks for me. If that added taste wasn't there this drink would be perfect. It has a light pear taste and there is a nice mellow ginger aftertaste. This is the kind of drink that you could enjoy after a nice meal. It's just too bad that I can't get over the "seltzer water" taste it has. Seriously, if this were uncarbonated I would probably be raving about it. Dear taste buds, please start liking the taste of unsweetened carbonated water. There is a world of drinks out there that are way better for us that we are just not enjoying because of it.

When I read the review that Liz Prince wrote for us for Big Red I was kind of shocked. I was almost positive that I had tried this soda before and that I really liked it. I remembered it tasting like Crush's red cream soda. After the review came out the company sent us a couple of bottles of their throwback version that is made with cane sugar. It sat in my cupboard for a while, but I decided to finally drink it tonight. After a single sip I knew I was mistaken and that I had never drank this before. There is no way that I would forget that weird bubble gum/7Up flavor. I certainly am not a fan. I don't normally like bubble gum flavored sodas to begin with, but this was worse than most. It has a very sudden gum flavor that quickly fades away into a lemon lime type of flavor that fades into something that I can only compare to when the ratio of syrup to soda water is off in a fountain machine. All of that plus it's way more sugary than your average soda pop. On top of that it randomly has caffeine in it. I didn't realize that until I forced myself to drink half the bottle. I had already decided I wasn't going to finish it, due to the taste, but that's set in stone now because of the caffeine. It's a little late and I'm a man who likes to actually sleep well in the winter.

I agree with Mrs. Prince; this stuff is garbage. Texas you have done us wrong. Why don't you just stick to making iced tea? You do an outstanding job with that. Leave the soda making to the northerners.

I'd like to think that when Talking Rain was trying to get an advertising campaign together for this line of drinks someone in the board meeting spoke up about it being the obvious choice to have Chuck Berry as a spokesperson. I'd like to think that the idea (along with a sampler of drinks) even made it to Mr. Berry's desk. He sat back in his chair and thought to himself "Well, why not?" He was getting up their in years and wasn't able to perform nearly as much as he used to. Also, the contracts he signed early in his youth didn't really pan out for him as well as they should have. Why not take on one last job? It would be easy. They could just play his classic songs "Do the Twist" and "Twist Again." At the end he could be standing there with a guitar play a little lick and then say some tagline. It would be easy and help provide a little extra for his family when he inevitably shuffled off this mortal coil. He was just about to respond to the offer when he cracked open a bottle of the mango acai flavored water. He took a sip and it wasn't as good as he would have hoped, but it was good enough to get his endorsement. He continued to write his response, taking sips every so often. He's an old timer and never really got he hang of computers so typing took him awhile. With each sip the drink tasted worse. Even though everything in the drink is organic, it tasted off. It almost was like a more flavorful cleaner. It doesn't really make any sense. It only slightly tasted like mango and it didn't really taste like agave. Maybe it's what the watered down acai was to blame. Chuck hesitated in his typing, took one more sip and decided they shouldn't have added a sweetener at all. If it were just water with mango and acai nectar mixed in it would have been more palatable. He closed his browser and turned off the computer. The beverage was sub par and he was the legendary Chuck Berry. Why should he give them a courtesy response?

If we learned one thing here it's that Check Berry can be kind of a jerk about returning emails. A simple "No Thank You" would have been fine and courteous. Looks like the fame has gone to his head.

Glug glug glug glug glug glug breath....ugh. Glug glug glug glug glug glug breath....ugh. Glug glug glug glug glug glug breath....ugh. When you drink this, it's good, but then you breathe, you know, out of necessity, and you get a taste of the spicy Splenda. I don't like acai, but you can taste blueberry, maybe pomegranate, but it's not disgustingly bitter like acai likes to make drinks.

Attention! People on diets! This isn't the worst Splenda drink. Sure, if you're used to drinking it, it's no leap since your taste buds are already annihilated due to years of abuse. If you are at a gas station, and you are on a diet, and they only carry egg nog or lard cola and this, get this, but bring me back some of that lard cola. I've got to review it.

Tostitos with lime came out without alert and they also sneak into multi-purpose punch bowls at parties. I know that some people put their hand in that bowl, grab a chip, and hope to God that they aren't the "hint of lime" ones but you know what? Lime is Mexican. Salsa is Mexican. Guacamole might be and probably is Mexican. Tortilla chips are Mexican. Yeah, it seems like they have everything that matters in this life, but we, America, have Ocean Spray. America and Mexico are like brothers; America has the top bunk and Mexico has the bottom bunk. Together, these brothers high-fived and Ocean Spray with lime was born. It's strong cranberry and strong lime. You want it to be less lime, but you didn't make it, Ocean Spray did and they tell you what time it is.

It's tough to drink more than a glass, but that one glass is good. It's different than most things you've drunk and it's so simple.

An aptly named beverage. I feel like I've had this tea before. In fact I'm sure of it. Oh wait no, it's just because it tastes like Lipton Brisk. It has that sort of tea flavor that is not actually from brewed tea and is sweetened with HFCS. I don't hate it. I definitely prefer brewed teas, but I wouldn't turn this down if it were offered to me. Sometimes generic tasting stuff has its place.

Oh a side note I once read that deja vu is caused when your brain misfires and stores a new memory in the area of your brain that past memories are normally stored. I found that very interesting as it happens to me all the darn time.

As your father and coach, I am telling you that you have to keep hydrated, son. It's no laughing matter when you pass out and miss a pop fly because you didn't drink enough liquids. It's so simple to drink water, but now that it's come this far, you have to drink something else. A re-hydrator. You kids like fruit punch, right? Well here is a fruit punch that's made for brat kids like you who don't know enough to drink when you're supposed to.

Thanks dad, I mean coach, I mean daddy, I mean...why is this clear? Fruit punch is supposed to be red. You don't know? I know you didn't make it, daddy, but it just seems strange. Alright, fine. I'll drink it. It's pretty goo....ugh! What is this? It's not fruit punch! Don't lie to me. Did you do something to this? Are you trying to poison me? Did you marinade band-aids in here or something? It's kind of thick and although has a fruit punch taste, it isn't really sweet and has a bit of a thickness to it. It's not like water. It's almost syrupy. Daddy, why are you doing this to me?

Son, don't be a little girl. Just drink this and the other eleven that came in the case. I don't want my son, the son of the coach of this little league team, to pass out. Dehydration will humiliate me more that it could you. Drink up and meet me in the locker room. Stop crying!

With a label like this one would think that this soda would be incredible. It looks so classic and classy. One would be slightly wrong. It's not incredible. It's merely average.
It tastes like an everyday store brand ginger ale, but with a nice aftertaste burn. The thing is that I don't believe the burn is actually from ginger, as it's not listed on the ingredients. I believe it's actually the sodium benzoate that causes that reaction. It feels different than a ginger burn, and it's not as strong. If I had never had a ginger beer before I would probably be pretty stoked on this, but since I've had a lot of the good stuff this just doesn't cut it.

Let's take a moment and get serious here. What could be so important that I would interrupt the normal flow of Thirsty Dudes? The answer is that absolute incredible force of nature that the movie Purple Rain is. Prince is a great musician. He's one of the greatest guitarists of our time, and unlike most people with that skill, he knows how to show off on the guitar as well as write some of the best pop songs that have ever graced the ears of humans. Sure he may be completely insane, but I can forgive him that for the album upon album of hits he has supplied us.

The folks at Sambazon understand this. They love purple rain. They even have gone so far as to pull the Lake Minnetonka prank a couple of times. Classic. The thing is that they not only love prince, they also have a soft spot for his adversaries in the film; The Time. Did you know that Prince wrote all of the time songs? True fact. His personal career was moving in a different direction, but he still wanted to write fun party songs, so he got The Time to play and record them. Among those songs was their hit "Jungle Love". To honor The Time, and Prince by proxy, they created an energy drink to keep you up all night in the clubs on Minneapolis, like the historic First Ave that is featured in the film (I played in the small room once and I kind of freaked out that Prince owned the building). The most important thing about Morris Day and The Time is that they have passion for not only their music, but also their sweet dance moves and awesome suits. Sambazon took that into consideration and created an energy drink that has both their classic acai and passionfruit juice in it. I like it more than their original variety. It has a fruitier taste, and it's all harsh acai juice. Also, how can I not support something as awesome as The Time?

Come on baby. Let's just get down tonight. I know we come from different sides of the tracks, you being fruit punch and me being a vegetable juice. It's about time that we knock boots, right? We've been together for three weeks and I've been good not to ask you for it. You know, it. Let's just pour our juices together. This is an old car, we can go in the back, put down a tarp, and get our juices all over the place. Mix 'em up. You know you want to, girl. Yeah girl. Unscrew that cap. Yeah, just throw it in the front seat. Come on, girl. I drink my vegetable juice all the time. It's about time that I drank some fruit juice. Daddy needs his vitamin C. I've had my cap off for ten minutes now. I was born ready. Just splash some stuff over there. Yeah, that's the stuff.

Hey, would you mind doing something for me? Would your pour some of your delicious fruit juice in my head? I just want to try it out. I want to taste what our juices together taste like. Yeah, just pour it right on in there. Don't worry about getting some on me. I love it. Now let me take a sip here. Ugh, are you feeling alright? Ugh, this is gross. What am I going to do now? It's all mixed in and I'm going to have to drink fifty-five gallons of it. This was a terrible idea. Maybe they were right. Maybe this is why you're not supposed to mix your side of the tracks with my side. Vegetable juice and fruit juice just don't mix. Oh, sure, girl, it's fun to make, but to drink...it's like fruit but then carrot flavored fruit, then just strange cabbage or spinach. I'm sorry, Daphne, you've got to go. I've got to clean this up and I might throw up and you don't want to see that. I'm sorry, baby. It's not you. It's me.